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Psychology forum home -> Addictions -> I am desperate!!! My Husband won't stop smoking weed. This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.

I am desperate!!! My Husband won't stop smoking weed.


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confussed
New Member


Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 6

Post Tue Jul 18, 2006 4:03 pm

   Reply with quote  

I know what your saying blt178 - I have 3 children and when I was pregnant with each he said he would give up - I am not against it like you socially its when it becomes a dependancy like my OH - and the cost is driving me crazy when I think what we could have had if he hadn't got this habit....

It certainly makes me feel better after finding this site to air my feelings onto.
  
vickyaly61
New Member


Joined: 13 Jun 2006
Posts: 7
Location: derbyshire, united kingdom

Post Tue Jul 18, 2006 4:12 pm

   Reply with quote  

First of all hi to all, ive been reading posts and at last i feel ive found somewhere i belong! I can relate to all you guys and good luck. My "Problem" is: Im in a relationship with a guy who smokes weed every night and some days. Hes turned into someone i dont know anymore. Im even confused about whether i love him anymore. His moods are erratic, abusive behaviour, paranoia, and he blames me for everything that happens. Hes getting forgetful, losing valuable things etc etc....Its like living with a grumpy old man and hes 48. I like a smoke of weed myself, but am happy after a couple tokes and it makes me feel very creative and want to do things like decorating or gardening etc, he just gets out of it and falls asleep. I feel we have become boring together, been together 2.5 yrs. Bf tried to quit many times but cant keep off it. Were having a break from each other so he can "sort his head out" trouble is hes texting, phoning me constantly firstly hes nice and asking to see me, when i refuse i get all the abuse and blame again. What should i do for the best for both of us, please !!!
what?
New Member


Joined: 18 Jul 2006
Posts: 1
Location: the jungle

Post Tue Jul 18, 2006 5:16 pm

I'm in the same situation, but the problem is me.    Reply with quote  

Crying or Very sad I cannot stop smoking weed! I am without a doubt addicted. I have all the same concerns all of you have. I think about the money we spend on it every week, how demotivated it makes me when I start coming down,how it affects my family. I have been smoking weed since I was 12 and now am 29.I took a few short breaks in between for pregnancy. I am to the point now I can smoke more than a q a day by myself. Now I want to quit and my husband don't. Me being an addict myself, I know it is just going to have to run its course ,and, eventually HE will get tired of it too. If you kneww your husbands smoked before you got wid them, how can you resent it so much now? These husbands will not even consider stopping until they are ready. I never thought about quitting because I didn't want to quit. Our problem had gotten to a qp a week. It sounds unbelievable but it can happen. We couldn't even get high anymore, still can't. I got to stop smoking this s**t!!!
Please don't allow your husbands addiction get this bad. If you see it heading that way, leave until he gets his mess straight, because you will NEVER have anything. Mad
moni
New Member


Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 4

Post Wed Jul 19, 2006 3:46 am

Re: Any addiction is stressing to a relationship...    Reply with quote  

[quote="blt178"]My husband tries to justify his smoking by saying it's not like he is an alcoholic or hooked on heavy drugs.... like that makes it better.

Thing is, and I will give him credit, it hasn't kept him from performing at his job and he isn't slack around the house...

...
quote:


blt178,
I think that this is what really confuses things for me. The fact that he is very functional. I notice though that he cleans when he is on it or he cleans excessively right before he make his purchase. I really feel as though he treats me the way he does because I know the real him and what he does and I do not approve of it. I have overlooked it but he knows i do not approve of it. He is definately worse though the longer he goes without it. Not to anyone at work just here at home. I notice that things that don't take a lot of thought or emotion but are more task oriented he can complete. does anyone know if the nyquil he takes is harmful? He takes a capful everynight with or without the mj.
confussed
New Member


Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 6

Post Wed Jul 19, 2006 8:37 am

   Reply with quote  

try this link

http://uistudenthealth.com/question/default.asp?asgid=1&agid=1&id=595

it has a few facts about nyquil.

my oh went to bed early laswt night as he had none - thats 2 nights weed free now - not sure if it gets better or worse but its pay day on friday - so bet he will get some then - but i don'tthink i will mind if it is just a eeekend thing casual like if he can stay off it in the week then I don't think i will mind too much unless the other side of his personality appears the angry one the one where I can never do anything right. If it does I will be off to bed myself!!
blt178
New Member


Joined: 18 Jul 2006
Posts: 2

Post Wed Jul 19, 2006 1:38 pm

   Reply with quote  

Holy sigh of relief to hear other people in the same boat!

Confussed - I hear that very story from my husband. He swears he's going to slow down on the weed slowly and will stop completely the day he finds out I'm pregnant. I don't know if he can do that. I don't know if I can have kids with someone I can't trust to be there and be sober if our kid hurts themselves and needs to be taken to the hospital, etc.

I also identify with the personality shift that happens... if we argue, he'll go smoke and come back all lovey-dovey. If he doesn't smoke, he'll explode during the argument. In general, if he isn't stoned, he's really short with me. Almost makes me worried for what I have to deal with if he DOES stop smoking... such a contradiction, I know.

What? - What have you done to stop? What do you recommend to someone who is trying to get their significant other to stop? I unfortunately made a big stance on it because he wasn't heeding my previous mentions of concern. I don't know how else to get his attention? I don't want him to feel like a bad person, because again I'm not AGAINST the weed, I'm against the frequency and dependency.
confussed
New Member


Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 6

Post Wed Jul 19, 2006 2:43 pm

   Reply with quote  

My OH is off to thr gps tonight - not sure if he is going to ask for help - I don't want to pry before he goes as its his own decision and don't want to push him over the edge before he goes.

The one way I got him to see what he was doing was by showing him how much debt we are in - and just giving him 200 spend for a month - easy he said thats loads I can surviceon that - yeah right it was gone in a few days and he then relised that goingto the hole inthe wall and drawing money out cannot be done anymore we have to be on a strict budget to pay off our debts that have been built up over the years.

I will update tomorrow - but hopefully this gp will pull him up and shake him about abit!!
namste
New Member


Joined: 19 Jul 2006
Posts: 3

Post Wed Jul 19, 2006 9:27 pm

Finally, I'm not alone    Reply with quote  

First, for those who admit they have an addiction, thank you for your candor. Having that insight helps me figure out where my husband is coming from, thank you. Also, you have helped show skeptics that Marijuana is an addictive substance.

For those who still don't believe that it's addictive: I've researched drug addiction in great detail, specifically addiction to weed. It is physically addictive to a percentage of the population, and potentially mentally addictive to everyone. Those with psychological issues are more likely to form a mental addiction, and 10% of the population will form a severe addiction similiar to that of a crack addict. These facts have come for reputable medical facilities such as the Mayo clinic, and are supported by numerous studies including people of all ages.

My story: I've been married for a year. I knew what I was getting into before the marriage, and went through with it knowing I loved him uttering the famous last words that all care-giving personalities have, 'I can handle it'. The truth, I can't, nor should I have to.

My husband has been smoking for 12 years. He smokes first thing in the morning, 2 or 3 times during the work day, and then all night before he goes to bed. When he smokes, it's a full bowl by himself, or a complete joint by himself, or a blunt shared with his best friend. He averages an 8th every two days when he's smoking lightly.

I know why he smokes, and I know he can get the help and support he needs to face those problems head on. The thing is that he has to first face those demons, and want to quit on his own. Me telling him that he's an addict and that it needs to stop will do nothing. He needs to choose to stop 'self medicating'. All I can do is be here if he ever makes that choice.

For those of you that are with an addict you have to realize what their addiction is doing to you. (Or those addicted, what it may be doing to your loved ones.) It affects everyone differently, and just as they have to face their demons...so do you.

In my life, I know I will never have the relationship I deserve if he continues to smoke. He's emotionally shut off, and in reality hasn't emotionally grown since the day he started smoking. I don't have a marriage, I have a great roommate. Every day my resentment towards him grows. I hate him for being so detached, and running away from OUR life together in a puff of smoke. He does the actions he thinks he's supposed to...but he isn't there. If I stay with him as an addict I will never have the family I want and deserve. The sad thing is that I'm not even sure I know who he is because I've never seen him sober, or not going through withdrawals. (That's a different issue all together.) All I know is that if he chooses to clean up I will be there for him completely. If he doesn't, I have to leave for my own health.
jurplesman
Super Member


Joined: 21 Jun 2004
Posts: 14148
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post Thu Jul 20, 2006 6:43 am

   Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by thefool
You see, unlike dope, weed is not a physically addictive substance. What that basically means is that there is no such thing a weed 'junky'. If one becomes 'addicted' to weed it's purely a mental addiction. Or an attachment if you will.


This belongs to the pot smokers' folklore, that get many pot addicts addicted. Thefool should perhaps visit some prisons and he will find that many convicted people have been addicted to pot as part of their offence. When they come out and are not treated they are likely to return to jail for further offences whilst being under the influence of pot of some other drug.

Most people become addicted to xenobiotic substances because of a underlying metabolic disorder related to the metabolism of sugar. Please study the biochemistry of addiction.

If you do not have that disorder, you are unlikely to become addicted. This explains why some people become addicted and others not. Not all people drinking alcohol become addicted but people with an "addictive personality" will.

An addicted person won't be able to abstain for his drug of addiction without some form of physical treatment.

It is essential that an addict wants to get off drugs, before he is ready for treatment. His "wanting" to get off drugs is usually when he is about to lose something "very valuable " to him, like losing his wife, or employment, of his freedom. Most addicts need to reach the "rock bottom" before they are willing to recognize "they have a problem".

For a possible solution please see my previous post here.
namste
New Member


Joined: 19 Jul 2006
Posts: 3

Post Thu Jul 20, 2006 3:04 pm

Information?    Reply with quote  

Jurplesman, can you suggest any resources for people dealing with an addicted spouse? Most of the information I've found is specifically for parents or users.

Thank you!
jurplesman
Super Member


Joined: 21 Jun 2004
Posts: 14148
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post Fri Jul 21, 2006 4:42 am

Re: Information?    Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by namste
Jurplesman, can you suggest any resources for people dealing with an addicted spouse? Most of the information I've found is specifically for parents or users.

Thank you!


The AA movement conducts meetings for spouses of alcoholics and other addicts. I do not agree with the philosophy of AA, (in fact I regard it as counterproductive) but from experience spouses get a lot of information about how to treat their husbands when they join Al-Anon.

Please google search for local chapters.

My advice is to study our

Self-Help Psychotherapy Course,

especially the section dealing with the self-image and Assertiveness Training and how to deal with manipulation and guilt games.

But to understand why your husband is addicted have a look at my post here.

If you understand the biochemistry of addiction, you will know how to help your husband.

In fact if he reads the articles he should be able to help himself, if motivated to do so.

If motivation is a problem read:

Values Clarification Course

which looks at what you really want out of life.

Cheers
Jur
namste
New Member


Joined: 19 Jul 2006
Posts: 3

Post Fri Jul 21, 2006 12:50 pm

Thank you    Reply with quote  

Jur, Thank you for all of the information.

I spoke with my husband, and he doesn't want to change. He doesn't think that smoking changes his personality at all, and that it's just that I may have married the wrong person. He admitted he's addicted, mentally. He also said he would cut back, but doesn't want to quit. I explained to him that just cutting back is like an alcoholic having a drink every so often...it just doesn't work.

He'll be staying at a friends house for a week, and then we'll see what happens. Deep down, I don't think we will make it. I'm just not sure what to do next. (I guess that's what my therapist is for. Wink )
jurplesman
Super Member


Joined: 21 Jun 2004
Posts: 14148
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post Sat Jul 22, 2006 5:52 am

   Reply with quote  

Hi namste,

Well if your husband feels he has no poroblem, there is little we can do.

I can see you will be having a hard time and make some serious decisions.

I hope your therapist will help you getting through this.

My heart is with you.

Best regards,
Jur
confussed
New Member


Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 6

Post Mon Jul 24, 2006 3:08 pm

   Reply with quote  

so after 5 days of not smoking and oh actually admitinghe was beginning to feel better he bought some as it was the weekend - he is is a sh!t mood now today now it is all gone again - along with his money - lets hope he keeps longerthan 5 days this time and lets hope I am not a victim of his moods tonight or I am off to watch BB in bed..... how sad!!

namste - hope all is well with you and your break is doing you both good
amazing
New Member


Joined: 25 Jul 2006
Posts: 3

Post Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:47 am

I've found you    Reply with quote  

I cant believe I found this site. Some of the things people have said on here are like listening to my own story.

I am married to a wonderful guy. He has a beautiful spirit but he also has a very addictive personality. I'm at a point where I am lost. It is easy to say 'draw a line'. But how do I do that? How do you separate belongings, throw your life into turmoil, split the past into neat little bags? When do you say 'that's it, that's one too many tears'. I dont know. That's why dope is such a crappy addiction, it blurs the lines.

I'm not anti-dope. An occasional toke, treated like an occasional beer, is fine. But when you wake up at 6.30 and trundle out in the freezing cold to smoke a spliff in the shed, when its the first thing and the last thing you do each day, when you'd give up everything for one more cone, its no longer o.k. It's just sad.

We've been married for a year and together for 4. I wont lie. Drugs have always had a background in our life. The problem is we are functioning addicts. We used to smoke ciggies, he's always smoked cones and we used to be part of the 'party scene'. You will always find more alcohol in our fridge than fruit.

But we also have stable jobs, uni degrees, good friends and a nice house. My hubby just got straight Distinctions at uni. The more successful you are the less you feel the need to change. That's why football players and movie stars always screw up their life. Why change when everything is "so good"? But its not "so good", it's so f#$% up.

I just wish the lies would end. I wish I could talk to him without those dopey red eyes staring back. I wish I didn't have to compete with a little silver cone peice for affection. I wish he didn't get angry. I wish we werent running from these unspeakable horrors that never see the light of day. I wish people didn't say 'But you knew what he was like when you married him' because you never truly do.

And dont tell me you cant get addicted to dope. Thefool lives up to his name.

Sorry about the rant, its just good to find somewhere to say it.
  

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