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Scum
Junior Member
Joined: 21 Oct 2006
Posts: 51
Sat Oct 21, 2006 4:00 am
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| Hello, I"m a Pedophile. |
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Yep, I'm the worst thing in existence, the scum of the earth, a horrible monster, and of course I probably should be burned in acid.
However, before you pass judgment on me there are a few things I would like to make clear.
I never have and never will molest a child.
I don't view or own any child pornography.
I don't believe that adults should be allowed to have sex with minors.
I don't believe that adults can form true healthy romantic relationships with children.
I don't prey on children online or even engage in online cyber fantasies with that theme.
I don't believe children have the mental or emotional maturity to engage in sexual activity with anyone but children of the same age. Activities which no adult should be a part of.
So why do I think I am a pedophile? Simply because I am sexually attracted to children. Since I was 13 I have had sexual fantasies and urges surrounding prepubescent children. I am now 21 and those fantasies have not gone away.
What made me this way? I have no idea. I don't remember choosing to be the lowest scum on the planet. I did have an early sexual development. I learned about sex from a homoerotic magazine I found on the street. I engaged in sex play with other male partners when I was 10. I did get myself into trouble when I was 12 with an older boy who coerced and manipulated me into doing things I didn't want to do. Some might call that molestation. I just found it to be a great humiliation. However, I don't blame my past for my choices as an adult. If anything, my past makes me hate myself more.
So what have I done to change myself? I went to therapists and counselors. However, they only made me feel like a criminal. "Are you molesting children currently," they always ask. I understand that they have to report me if I am engaging children but I'm not a child molester. So I escape to fantasy and fulfill my fantasies using lolicon and shotacon, a safe and legal alternative to child pornography. I have tried to form normal sexual relationships but I am just not attracted to people my own age. I have tried techniques to desensitize myself but they have failed. For your information, I work very closely with kids and have never harbored any fantasys regarding any children I have know.
What is truly painful is that I can't form a healthy relationship with a girl. I really want a family with kids and a normal life.
What I can't understand is why everyone hates me so much? "Let's kill all the pedophiles, pedophiles are scum, pedophiles are a waste of space, pedophiles need to die!" I always hear it and want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I feel like I would be doing the world a favor. I didn't choose to be this way!
I'm not here for therapy. What I really need is to see an intelligent discussion on what pedophilia is and what place people like myself should have in this world.
So what do you think? Should I just kill myself and make the world a better place? Am I suffering from a mental disorder or is this a sexual orientation? Are sexual fantasies about children wrong even if I never act on them? Should lolicon and shotacon be illegal? Are pedophiles evil or sickos? Do you hate me? |
Dr. Steinwater
Full Member
Joined: 15 Jun 2006
Posts: 235
Sat Oct 21, 2006 5:36 am
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eventually you will become brazen enough and eventually as you age your mind will weaken and there is a good chance you'll be presented an opportunity to do harm. I think you should isolate yourself and move to Alaska and dont get engaged in any criminal activities.
Believe me, if someone were to molest my kids or anyone i knew i would probablytry to exact revenge on them. So just be aware society will not accept you if you go any further.
It is good you have expressed yourself on the forum instead of just ignoring the problem. |
Krakatoa
Full Member
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 218
Sat Oct 21, 2006 6:15 am
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quote:
So what do you think? Should I just kill myself and make the world a better place? Am I suffering from a mental disorder or is this a sexual orientation? Are sexual fantasies about children wrong even if I never act on them? Should lolicon and shotacon be illegal? Are pedophiles evil or sickos? Do you hate me?
Tough questions. I guess, there's a fine line between fantasy and reality. Unfortunately we all live in society, we're not solitary animals. You have to accept the fact that such fantasy / sexual orientation (whatever you call it) is not tolerated by society.
On your part, I guess, there isn't much to expect from your therapists /councellors. I think, such direct question as 'are you molesting any children now?' is not only stupid (because the subject will say no, unless he's an idiot) it is highly damaging.
You are in a very tough position. Unlike gay/lesbianism - paedophilia is something that society does not tolerate at all. I would suggest you go to a psychiatrist, not councellor / therapist, as they don't prescribe drugs. Some medication may be able to help you change your thought patterns.
I think it is better to regard your fantasy as a mental disorder. Unless you want to go somewhere where there's no other human being... such thoughts are not tolerated in society. Which is the essence of delusion (mental illness) - a view of the sufferer that does not match with society in general. There are some medications that may be able to change such persistent delusion.
Good Luck |
Krakatoa
Full Member
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 218
Sat Oct 21, 2006 6:23 am
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quote:
Originally posted by Dr. Steinwater
eventually you will become brazen enough and eventually as you age your mind will weaken and there is a good chance you'll be presented an opportunity to do harm.
I disagree with this.
When I had anger problem. When I was angry I felt a very strong urge to beat the hell of the person who made me angry (and no, not just beating with a fist). I was quite obsessed with violence.
After my anger problem went away, so did my lust for violence. I no longer think about violence. And I never did get into violence.
It's just a matter of resolve. I believe if one has a will to do good, he can do good. I think if he has enough resolve to get rid of his mental problem, he will eventually fix himself. |
howie9791
Full Member
Joined: 26 Jun 2006
Posts: 289
Sat Oct 21, 2006 6:34 am
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hi,
First. My gut feeling is that this is a troll.
Second. whether or not this is a troll, there is little chance of having a discussion about such a topic as it is highly emotive.
maybe you should discuss these issues with someone who knows more about it.
Lastly, I dont think you should kill yourself and I don't think it is a mental illness. I don't know how to feel about the fact that although you agree with society that it is wrong to have sexual relationship with a child you still engage in sexual fantasy about children. Maybe you should research psychiatric law as to what defines deviance for those sort of answers. speak to a psychologist, speak to a philosopher, speak to a psychiatrist, speak to a priest.
edit. i dont think what you suffer is a delusion i doubt anti-depressants or anti-psychotic medication will help you. |
Krakatoa
Full Member
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 218
Sat Oct 21, 2006 7:10 am
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quote:
Originally posted by howie9791
I don't think it is a mental illness.
Perhaps you are right, but as far as I know - according to psychiatry, paedophilia is classified under personality disorder.
How do we define mental illness if not by some sort of deviation from what the society holds to be true?
And what other authority is best to define mentall illness if not psychiatry? Maybe the term 'illness' is inappropriate... disorder is more like it.
Regardless, it is somekind of mental problem. |
howie9791
Full Member
Joined: 26 Jun 2006
Posts: 289
Sat Oct 21, 2006 7:22 am
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Yes maybe disorder is better than illness, I'm of the view that active pedophiles and people who comit violent crimes and rapes should not be able to call themselves victims. Although the poster describes a state in which he is suffering, i think there is a lose definition of mental illness that is somthing that causes suffering, but i'm still of the view that people are free to make choices even mentaly ill people, even the poster has the choice not to fantasies about children yet he does. |
Annie1
Full Member
Joined: 07 Oct 2006
Posts: 214
Sat Oct 21, 2006 12:33 pm
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Hello Scum,
That feels wrong calling you that, but it is your user name!
In my experience and research/training, peadophiles start with thoughts and eventually inflict harm on their victims.I think the most important thing you have done is to recognise your problem. Yes, you are programmed to be attracted to young people.
That is always WRONG.
NOTHING can justify hurting, or assaulting a child. Our children are very precious and it's everybody's job to protect them.
You will only become 'scum' if you give into your thoughts and temptations.
I have children myself,and would happily kill anyone who hurt them. I am entrusted with other people's children and I fiercely protect them too.
Please, please seek professional advice for your problem. It is a personality disorder that will not go away. The thing you must do is to recognise you have a problem, and you have already done so.
The next thing you MUST do is seek help.
NOW, straight away.
The minute you give into your thoughts, you become the low life you fear.
Responsible, caring adults do not hurt children.
Please seek help, do NOT hurt an innocent child. Do NOT inflict pain on an entire family. Do NOT ruin a young life, gifted from God.
Seek help now. And stop working closely with children. I am sorry to be so blunt, but you are a danger to them. And to yourself. I do not hate you,
I wish you well in seeking help. If you did not get the right help first time around, seek help again.NOW.
Annie. |
howie9791
Full Member
Joined: 26 Jun 2006
Posts: 289
Sat Oct 21, 2006 1:29 pm
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I dont think you should be mixing up the idea of paedophilia and the idea of personality disorder, they are totaly different things. Paedophilia is
" A paraphilia characterized by recurrent, intense sexual fantasies, urges or behaviour involving sexual activity with prepubescent girls or boys"
oxford dictionary of psychology
a personality disorder is
" A category of mental disorder, with onset no later thatn early childhood, characterixed by prevasive inflexible, and enduring patterns of cognition, affect, interpersonal behaviour, or impuse control that deviate markedly from culturally shared expectations and lead to signeficant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning"
oxford dictionary of psychology
Peadophilia is a matter of being sexualy attracted to children, Sexual attraction is not part of the definition of personality disorder. Although should a person be attracted to children and have antisocial personality disorder i guess there might be an increase risk of offending this does not mean that someone with antisocial personality disorder is any more likely than the general population to be a paedophile.
this artical suggests their is no reason to suppose that paedophillia should be regarded as a mental disorder.
[url]http://taylorandfrancis.metapress.com/(vk0imt551jsftb45es0k2b55)/app/home/contribution.asp?referrer=parent&backto=issue,18,19;journal,6,57;linkingpublicationresults,1:102101,1[/url]
I'm not posting on this thread again as i believe that we have been trolled. |
Scum
Junior Member
Joined: 21 Oct 2006
Posts: 51
Sat Oct 21, 2006 8:11 pm
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| Hello again. |
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The purpose of a troll is to inflame and the point of my post was to hear intelligent discussion. I knew that discussing something that is so very emotive would be suspect so I tried to be as honest and reflective as I could in my original post. I am very grateful for your thoughts and insights. Especially from Annie1 who I believe must be a very genuine and kind person.
I do not believe I suffer from delusions. I believe at one time I did but not now. I know perfectly well that a sexual attraction to a child is wrong and something that should never be acted upon. It is living with the guilt and shame that puts a burden on my everyday life.
I truly believe it is just to hunt down a child molester and kill him for doing something as harmful as molesting a child. As far as acting on my desires, I decided long ago that should I ever feel to cause such harm I would seek chemical castration or kill myself. I promise I will not hurt another human being as long as I live.
I truly hope Krakatoa is correct and by my own desire to change I can eventually rid myself of my fantasies. I don't think I was born this way, I feel I somehow learned to associate childhood with sex. I continue to hope I can find an adult who I can form a relationship with and gain a normal sex life.
Sadly, howie9791 is right about choosing my fantasies. However, I don't fantasize about real children anymore. I haven't been able to for a few years now. I am overwhelmed by such depression and anxiety when I think of a real child in that manner that I become almost repulsed by the idea. I live out my urges using lolicon and shotacon, which are guilt free and a common theme where I can meet and talk with people like myself. I have visited the "girlove" and "boylove" forums on the internet and I feel very uncomfortable there because I don't have those kinds of sexual attractions. I find that if I encounter a child in real life I don’t form a sexual attraction to them. My fantasies and urges have become fully fantasy based. However, I have been informed that once a pedophile, always a pedophile.
quote:
Please seek help, do NOT hurt an innocent child. Do NOT inflict pain on an entire family. Do NOT ruin a young life, gifted from God.
That was perhaps the most painful thing I had to read on this thread simply because it puts me once again at the level of a child molester. I have not done anything and yet I am charged. I understand your desire to protect the children and I am touched by the concern you have shown for me. I do have to disagree with your desire to leave my job working with children. Before I started working with kids I was so entrenched in my own delusions that I could have acted without guilt or shame. Working with these kids has been the best therapy I could have asked for because it has pulled me into reality and made me see myself for who I am. If anyone touched these kids I wouldn't hesitate to split open their head. I honestly love them and want them to grow up living normal healthy lives. I am no danger to them and I would never touch them or in any way talk to them inappropriately.
My last question for anyone who still believes that I am not a troll is one regarding how I manage my fantasies. Are they healthy means of dealing with it or do you think I am prolonging my condition? Lolicon and shotacon have no resemblance to real children and separating reality from fantasy has been the most helpful thing for me.
Also, I am currently seeing a psychologist and have plans to see a psychiatrist. Thank you again for your time. |
gomen
Senior Member
Joined: 07 Jun 2006
Posts: 1109
Sat Oct 21, 2006 8:34 pm
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i'm no expert but it makes sense what you said about associating sex with childhood due to your experiences, which are a bit unusual. i mean if you;ve never had an experience iwth an adult maybe you keep going back to the old memories becuas that is all you have?? u need new data-that adults can be satifying too. how hard did you try? so maybe keep trying to be with someone your own age or older? maybe to change you have to do what you dont feel lke doing at first until something catches it might take time as you have been this way for a while. you are pretty young still. make friends with a woman and dont worry about details and eventually you might find her attractive. it might take time.
as long as you dont act on your impulses, i think you shoudl try to stop focusing on how much people hate you. i dont think punishing yourself and hating yourself are going to help, you are only weakening your self worth, and that can only lead to trouble.
yes it is also hard when the therapist looks at you suspiciously bc you are going to them for help. often i need hellp wtih feeling suicidal and yet i dont feel i can tell my main problem to for fear they will write it in a book forever or lock me away. |
Annie1
Full Member
Joined: 07 Oct 2006
Posts: 214
Sat Oct 21, 2006 8:47 pm
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Iam so sorry for causing you pain. You obviously fully understand the nature of your problem, and I am reassured by the fact that you do not have sexual fantasies of the children you work with.
Thank you for your kind words, I am sure nobody hates you. We are all here trying to do our best, and I am sure you are too.
It is an interesting point you touch on when you say, that you associate childhood with sex. I am confident that being as open and as honest with your psychologist and psychiatrist, as you have been here, that you will get the help you need.You need to explore, with support, the reasons and feelings behind associating sex and childhood.
Good luck,
Annie |
neoSephiroth
Guest
Sat Oct 21, 2006 8:50 pm
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Being a paedophile isn't a personality disorder, nor does it make you scum. You are what you are.
Listen, mate, I have the same thing. I get...rather excited when I see some very young girls but I know, like you do, where the line is. If I feel horny I just take matters into my own hand (right hand) if you know what I mean.
If you know the limits - where the line is - and you can stick to the rules of society then you're fine. I don't do illegal crap 'cos I'm in no hurry to go to jail. As for my sexual feelings there are loads of people with dodgy urges but few do anything about it.
I get turned on by girls my age and younger - but I haven't done anything about it. Sexuality is for the older of my preferenced girls - 16+, as is legal - and that is the line I will always stick to. |
Annie1
Full Member
Joined: 07 Oct 2006
Posts: 214
Sat Oct 21, 2006 8:51 pm
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Excuse my ignorance - what does it mean to be trolled?
Annie |
Annie1
Full Member
Joined: 07 Oct 2006
Posts: 214
Sat Oct 21, 2006 8:59 pm
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Hello gomen,
I'm sure if you tell the person helping you, be it your GP, therapist, or counsellor that they will not lock you away. If you can believe in yourself enough to trust someone with what is really hurting you, then you do not need to be locked away. All you will be doing is sharing your problem. I was scared to admit to depression, in case people thought I was weak or 'off my head'. I have had to put up with a few cruel and hurtful jibes, but those who know the whole story, have been supportive. Unfortunately, I don't trust many people, so can't share my story with many. Only 1 or 2 know the whole story.
Please share your distress with someone who can help. By doing so, you will get the help and support you need. That is a sign of someone looking for help,not someone who needs to be locked away. Very, very,very few people are locked away now, thank God!
You are too precious to stay the way you are.
Take care,
Annie. |
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