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tux03
Junior Member
Joined: 02 Apr 2009
Posts: 41
Tue May 05, 2009 8:18 am
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| just want help |
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i'm really scared. when i was 18 i suffered very badly from depression/anxiety/panic and i was signed off work for three years and went through some really dark times. i went back to work before falling pregnant with my daughter and then returned to work when my daughter was a year old and have been working ever since.during those years i was off work i self harmed but luckily have managed even though it has been hard to be able to fight the urge to do it since i had my daughter (well there has been one time but i feel so sh** bout it and so weak that i did it). just over these past few months i've been feeling so low sometimes. crying for no reason and just not wanting to do anything and see anyone and talk to anybody. these are such familiar feelings that it scares me that i'm going down that dark road again and i'm so scared cause i have to be strong for my little girl. i'm meant to be at work today but i just couldn't face going and that's the first time i haven't been able to push myself to go. over the years the depressions always been there but i've somehow been able to push it to the back of my head and carry on with things cause i feel stupid cause its not like i've got any real bad reasons to be so down. i know i don't cope with death very well. it's been nearly 15 years since my dear grampy died and still i try and pretend cause i worry if i think about it too much i'll crack up. i lost my nan three years ago and my grandad last year and i try and put that locked away somewhere in my head as well so i don't have to think about it. if i start thinking about it i obsess with other people dying. my gran, parents, sister, and my partner friends family even my little girl. one of my best friends had a sister who died of leukimea when she was 8. it was one of the most cruel things i've ever known she was such a beautiful little girl and i just don't know how parents cope with things like that so i sometimes cherish my little girl too much cause you never no what tomorrow may bring. i think as i am writing this that i am going crazy and everything i write must make me sound like i'm some nutcase but i just find it hard to talk to people bout things and maybe thought if i wrote it down and even just one person wrote to me to say everything would be ok maybe it would help xxxx |
Mark Tyrrell
Uncommon Knowledge Staff
Joined: 16 Sep 2003
Posts: 444
Tue May 05, 2009 11:12 am
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Hi there Tux03
Firstly no one thinks you are any kind of nutcase. What you describe it typical of someone who feels a bit low. Imagining the worst happening will make anyone feel bad, anxious and frightened.
Everyone feels overwhelmed sometimes but it sounds as if, on many levels, you have done really well over the past few years. I bet there are things you have learned that have made you a stronger person than you were back then.
I wonder if you've looked at the depression learning path http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/learning_path.htm
Let us know how you progress
All the best
Mark |
tux03
Junior Member
Joined: 02 Apr 2009
Posts: 41
Tue May 05, 2009 2:48 pm
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thank you for writing to me. i find it so difficult speaking to people in person when i'm feeling like this. have laid in bed all day cause i don't want to face anything.i've been with my partner for over ten months now and he is getting so fed up with my moods being so up and down think he is on the verge of walking away and it's killing me cause i love him so much. i no i can be really moody and i've phoned the doctor today and have an appointment tomorrow cause i no i need some sort of help. its like there's a switch that changes my moods that i cannot control. i'm off work again tom and i love my job so much i don't want to lose it. just can't seem to hanle anything at the moment and i'm usually quite good at pullling myself out of this but just can't seem to do it at the moment xx |
chemicalromance
Full Member
Joined: 01 May 2009
Posts: 159
Location: Garden of England
Tue May 05, 2009 9:29 pm
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I get that sometimes, like. it just feels like I'm not me and when I change moods I can be really moody and nasty. But afterwards when I reflect back on it I just feel guilty and start apologising to everyone that I was snappy with. Hope it all goes well tomorrow at the doctors for you. Let us know how it goes |
tux03
Junior Member
Joined: 02 Apr 2009
Posts: 41
Wed May 06, 2009 8:35 am
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it's so nice to know that i'm not the only one that gets like i do. my boyfriend is hardly talking to me at the moment cause he's had enough of my mood swings and now i'm hardly seeing him its making me even more moody and even more depressed and he doesn't realise he's not helping me doing that. i can understand why he's had enough but a lot of the time i get moody is i just want to feel wanted sometimes. i always give him hugs and kisses and sometimes it would be nice for him to give it back thats all. that said if i were a bloke i wouldn't put up with me xx  |
chemicalromance
Full Member
Joined: 01 May 2009
Posts: 159
Location: Garden of England
Sun May 10, 2009 9:31 pm
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Hey tux03 how did it go at the doctors? You know, we can't look into the future and say that things are going to be okay because if they aren't then we would be wrong. I lost my best friend when I was 11 years old. He died of a brain haemorrhage in his sleep. I remember just not knowing what to do. Feeling, just so depressed, lost, sad, angry about it all. I used to pray nearly every night, just hoping that he would send me a sign or something, just for the record I'm not religious, never have been, never will be. Then when the funeral happened it was just like something clicked inside of me. Never felt any emotions when someone has died, both my nans died soon after my best friend died and another one of my friends died. I felt so guilty about that one. He used to go to cadets with me, I was in year 8 so maybe 13 or something. And my friend, hi-ho was his nickname, had just passed his bike test thing, he was 16, so he could ride a moped about. I was in school in the morning and a kid in my class said that there was an accident involving a moped just near the bottom of the road (about 5 min walk from school). I had this feeling that it was hi-ho. My form prefect (who was also a cadet) knew hi-ho too and I asked him if it was hi-ho. That's my biggest regret ever, wishing I had gone down to the accident so at least hi-ho would have been with someone he knew.
Now, I just accept that death will happen. But I would rather be buried before any close members of my family die. I have never ever kept a best friend, people don't understand why I don't have best friends, but I just don't. I don't really have good close friends but that's not the point. People get offended and say that I'm one of their best mates because I don't see them that way. |
tux03
Junior Member
Joined: 02 Apr 2009
Posts: 41
Mon May 18, 2009 10:08 pm
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sorry ive taken so long writing back. doctors went very well. i'm now down to just one venlafaxine and although especially of an evening it has been hard i've stuck with it determined not to let the tablets beat me. i'm going on to citralapam well the doctor wants me to but id really like to see how i get on taking nothing if i can get off the venlafaxine. i've been on one antidepressant or another for ten years i just want to know what it feels like to be normal and not have any drug in my body making me feel different. |
chemicalromance
Full Member
Joined: 01 May 2009
Posts: 159
Location: Garden of England
Tue May 19, 2009 9:02 am
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When I stopped taking my tablets I felt like crap, only because of the withdrawal symptoms. Then I have just never felt so alive, it has been like I have been reborn again. Feeling every emotion again and my senses all unblocked in a way. I am enjoying being off them a lot more than I was when I was on them. |
tux03
Junior Member
Joined: 02 Apr 2009
Posts: 41
Tue May 19, 2009 7:21 pm
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how long was it before you stopped really so bad from the withdrawal symptoms. have to stop taking them completely in the next few days and doctor wants to start me on citralapam and i just dont want to take any more pills wanna just try and see how i get on without them. just reducing the venlafaxine to 1 a day has made me feel like a different person - its wierd cant really explain how i feel but its definately better |
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