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Xeri
New Member
Joined: 07 Nov 2009
Posts: 1
Sat Nov 07, 2009 8:45 am
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| I don't deserve help, do I? |
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I have two grown up children. I wasn't a good mother to them, my marriage had a lot of issues and my children suffered because of it.
They are now grown up and both of them are into drugs. My son, it seems he is beyond help. He has schizophrenia and no medications helped him. He is now 24 and living on the street and using. He is in trouble with the police.
I have tried to help him, I live in a different country and have begged him to come and stay with me so I can look after him, but he refuses and says he is this way because of how his childhood was. He is probably right and I feel so guilty.
My daughter is 22 and has lived with me up until I asked her to leave 3 weeks ago as she uses speed and I just couldn't cope with the monster inside her when she is on these drugs.
I am a complete failure and am waiting for the phone to ring and someone to tell me my son has died or been murdered.
I can't go on like this. The guilt is killing me and I feel so helpless because I can't help my children.
I though of going for some help, but I don't really deserve it because my childrens lives are destroyed because of how I was as a mother. I deserve this suffering, but I can't live my life this way. I am stuck and don't know where to turn. |
Sluagh
Senior Member
Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 1098
Sat Nov 07, 2009 12:09 pm
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oh xeri... what a difficult place to be in...
I understand why you feel guilty, being a parent, especially when one has issues/demons of their own can be so so difficult... for the whole family.
you feel very guilty for your childrens suffering, and yes, I too believe, just like they do, and like you do, that their upbringing had alot to do with how they have turned out to be as adults .... BUT....it is never to late to make amends. to your children and to your self. You being emotionaly healthy will help your children much more than having a mother who is eaten up with guilt and dying inside. There can be no strength for your children if you yourself are sick.
Also, there are many people out there, who have had a very bad childhood and yes I blame the parents for how they turned out to be but.... it is up to the adultchild [now adult] to reach out for help and to want to heal.
It sounds like your children are still stuck in the role of the victim [which is not meant in a bad way -its just a fact] and they will not come out of that role until they want to, no one can make them.
If anything, you might still be part of a group dynamic [group being you and your children] where you have the role of the 'enabler' although i do hear that you have kicked out your daughter now because you have had enough of her behaviour. It might be usful to join Alanon and some kind of talk therapy. Alanon so you have some help with dealing with your childrens addictive behaviours and talk therapy so you can work on yourself and your own behaviour patterns.
You DO deserve help. You sound like you are very sorry for what you have or havent done for your children and that is the first step... to be sorry... and to mean it... now the work begins. And it will be so painful. It already is... I really do hope you will reach out and help yourself to become a healthy mother/woman. You are not a bad person |
Barnabas
New Member
Joined: 31 Oct 2009
Posts: 5
Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:40 pm
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| Re: I don't deserve help, do I? |
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Dear I Don't Deserve Help,
Who says you don't deserve help? Who is telling you this lie? Everyone is deserving of help. Do not listen to this lie. Another thing, you are not a failure! You are only a failure if you never try again. I would love to help you and really wish you would give me the chance.
Note: I would like to comment on your sons excuse for being an addict. First I am sorry to hear of his plight. He is 24 years old and an adult, so therefore he is responsible for himself now, your daughter included. Yes we are a product of our environment to a certain degree, but that does not mean that we must continue down that same path. There are ways and opportunities of change, and it is possible.
I pray that i get the privilege of helping you.
quote:
Originally posted by Xeri
I have two grown up children. I wasn't a good mother to them, my marriage had a lot of issues and my children suffered because of it.
They are now grown up and both of them are into drugs. My son, it seems he is beyond help. He has schizophrenia and no medications helped him. He is now 24 and living on the street and using. He is in trouble with the police.
I have tried to help him, I live in a different country and have begged him to come and stay with me so I can look after him, but he refuses and says he is this way because of how his childhood was. He is probably right and I feel so guilty.
My daughter is 22 and has lived with me up until I asked her to leave 3 weeks ago as she uses speed and I just couldn't cope with the monster inside her when she is on these drugs.
I am a complete failure and am waiting for the phone to ring and someone to tell me my son has died or been murdered.
I can't go on like this. The guilt is killing me and I feel so helpless because I can't help my children.
I though of going for some help, but I don't really deserve it because my childrens lives are destroyed because of how I was as a mother. I deserve this suffering, but I can't live my life this way. I am stuck and don't know where to turn.
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Sluagh
Senior Member
Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 1098
Sat Nov 07, 2009 4:29 pm
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Barnabas.. if you dont mind me asking... how would you like to help xeri? |
Barnabas
New Member
Joined: 31 Oct 2009
Posts: 5
Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:12 pm
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quote:
Originally posted by Sluagh
Barnabas.. if you dont mind me asking... how would you like to help xeri?
I don't mind any one asking. I would like help her through encouragement and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) or other methods. I am experienced in online services and conduct myself in a professional manner.
I am new here and see a lot of ways I may be able to help. If I am in the wrong someone needs to let me know. Are we able to refer these hurting souls to our services? I am unclear about this? |
sgreen007
Preferred Member
Joined: 20 Dec 2006
Posts: 900
Location: Bristol, UK.
Sat Nov 14, 2009 5:47 pm
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Hi Xeri
If you have been a bad mother and your kids are f**ked up because of it
then it is very likely that you are f**ked up because of your mother/father/
parents or those who nurtured you.
So you are in the same position as your kids only 20 years on.
Should we blame your parents?
Maybe we should, but... perhaps the same could be true of them, i.e. that
they are/were f**ked up by their parents/guardians and so on and so on.
You could call this the chain of blame.
The question is... Q? How far does this chain of blame go back?
Q? Will you have to start digging up long dead great great grandparents
saying "This is all your fault?"
You cannot change the past. Focus on the present and on becoming and
being the very best person that you can be.
I believe that every single person on this planet deserves all of the help
that they can get so that we can pass on and build a better life for all those
who are yet to be born, and who may be looking after us when we are at the
tail end of life.
Steve |
studentofthegame
Preferred Member
Joined: 09 Nov 2005
Posts: 614
Location: England
Sat Nov 14, 2009 9:17 pm
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hi xeri
are you looking after yourself? you can't help other people without helping yourself first.get your mind and body straight so you've got the energy to invest into looking into helping your son and daughter.
you don't deserve suffering.it's an indicator that there are issues there that need attending |
blackdog
New Member
Joined: 15 Nov 2009
Posts: 18
Tue Nov 17, 2009 12:00 pm
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Dear Xeri
Of course you deserve help and support. I can't imagine what you are going through. Guilt and fear are such powerful emotions. May I suggeswt that you talk to your doctor and also consider some form of psychotherapy? Therapy really really helped me and it is what I am hanging on to now. |
jurplesman
Super Member
Joined: 21 Jun 2004
Posts: 11135
Location: Sydney, Australia
Mon Nov 23, 2009 6:12 am
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HI Xeri,
You are the victim of the psycho-analytic culture that has been brainwashing people for over a century now that parents are responsible for the upbringing of their children. This non-sense arises from the mythology that children are born with a blank and innocent mind and develop into adults as a result of the all-pervading influence their parents. This makes all parents responsible for drug addicts, schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, OCD, thieves and murderers and so on and on. These stupid ideas derive from the ignorance of the psychosomatic model of psychology, who believe with a religious fervour that all human behaviour has been learned and can be UNLEARNED with a course of drugs and/or psycho-babble.
If you want to understand your children and how they turned into a drug-addict or schizophrenia you have to understand that addiction is NOT a psychological disorder, a learned habit stemming from a bad childhood - although the disease can affect the mind - but that it is primarily a physiological illness, not unlike - in fact very closely related to diabetes. People usually do not blame parents when a child becomes autistic or has a motor-neurone disease or who has epilepsy or a broke leg. Somehow when it comes to mental illness or addiction, parents become involved in the mind of "psychologically oriented people" (and old-fashioned followers of Freud), who generally have no clue about the biological underpinnings of "mental illness".
Most drug addicts can be found to have hypoglycemia by medical tests as explained here. This is due to Insulin Resistance. It has a genetic component and may run in families. Most can be treated by nutritional means.
If you want to find out more please read:
Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder
and discuss this with a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychologist, if self-help therapy fails. But most people can help themselves by going on a hypoglycemic diet.
Also read:
Nutritional Aspects of Schizophrenia
and go to page 7
Much of this applies also to Bipolar Disorder.
Articles on Schizophrenia
Thus don't allow yourself to be impressed by any comments that points the finger to your parenting-skills being responsible for the unfortunate illnesses of your children. |
Seyen
New Member
Joined: 07 Apr 2010
Posts: 1
Wed Apr 07, 2010 10:06 am
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don't be so hard on yourself, the important thing is that now you realize you've made some mistakes and you can begin to work on fixing them... if you've had harm done to you when you were child by your parents, sometimes it takes time to understand how it affects the way you are with your own offsprings |
*Nihilistic One*
Senior Member
Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 1352
Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:59 pm
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quote:
Originally posted by jurplesman
If you want to understand your children and how they turned into a drug-addict or schizophrenia you have to understand that addiction is NOT a psychological disorder, a learned habit stemming from a bad childhood
Environment causes neurobiological changes. |
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