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Bubble Boy
New Member
Joined: 31 Oct 2009
Posts: 15
Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:22 am
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I’m really sorry to hear about your previous experiences with counsellors and the hospitalisation. To be honest, this is exactly the kind of story that frightens me and offends me. I could ramble on about how the system that you’ve experienced sounds corrupt and entirely USELESS, regarding the safeguarding and aid of positive mental health, but I’m sure there wouldn’t be any use. It’s also pretty upsetting to hear that adults of authority and responsibility (i.e. your teachers) saw you had cuts on your arm but failed to even take you to one side and ask you about it. I’m afraid that self-harm is just something that a lot of people don’t understand, and the typical reaction is to either a) Look down on you and make you feel bad for self-harming, or b) Completely ignore you because they see you as a problem.
I’m glad that you can see you’re not alone, and that you’re just as normal as anybody else. If you deal with this kind of thing alone, you tend to emphasise in your mind that you’re different to everybody else and hence MUST be crazy, when this really isn’t the case.
It sounds like your family aren’t doing a lot to help you. I’m a very sensitive person, and it sounds like you might be too. It’s always worth trying to remember that if somebody or something is winding you up, because it’s real easy to fall back into that emotional pit of self-loathing. Don’t worry about the suicidal thoughts either, though, because I can guarantee you that EVERYBODY, even the most mentally stable of us, have had those thoughts at one time or another. I think maybe it’s something we do to try and work out our place in our lives. The truth is, that if you were to drop dead tomorrow, no matter what your family say, or how they act, they would lose a part of themselves, and they’ll feel it for the rest of their lives. But I think you already know well enough that suicide isn’t something you want to do anyway.
One of the points I was TRYING to get at, but somehow got lost, is that I’m concerned about your environment at the moment. It sounds like your family may not be very supportive of you, and that you might be let down by people in your life if you go to them with this. I really think it’s important to be able to talk out your issues with somebody. Personally, I think a friend is better than a counsellor, but it has to be somebody you really trust. However, that being said, I know how easy it is to think that people don’t care. It’s all part of a systematic depression that can feed on itself. It’s very dangerous because it’s like a mental trap that will keep you constantly depressed and feeling that nobody cares. It’s important that you’re aware of it so that you can try to break the cycle. I couldn’t possibly say for sure that your family are good enough people to stick with you and help you through the feelings you’re having - if they aren’t, that might be a risk in itself, so maybe confiding them isn’t the best option for you, but it does perhaps mean that for the most part, you’ll have to deal with this by yourself (minus any forums, naturally).
I think that your problems aren’t just with your family though. Whenever you feel upset, or worthless or whatever negative emotion it is at the time, give yourself a moment to consider why you feel that way. You mentioned you get upset when your sister says you’re nothing - do you feel your sister is the ‘favourite’ child? Having an understanding of how you think can be a great advantage in those moments where you’re on the edge - you can give yourself a bit of distance from it, so it doesn’t hurt you as much. My own personal opinion would be; “Well why is your sister saying you’re nothing? That sounds like a cocktail of jealousy and bitterness”. I also bet the situation isn’t as clear cut as that, though, and your sister probably says things which you automatically interpret as “you’re nothing”, and again, it’s useful to know how your mind works, because when you feel a negative emotion, you can start to question it.
It’s very difficult for me to gauge exactly what your situation is, because I don’t know the details of your life, and everybody who goes through this is going to experience it slightly differently. I was very lucky because I hid my wounds from my parents (after I’d told them I’d stop), and had a couple of good friends I could confide in. I also had an intense relationship with a girl a long time ago, and she used to get me so stressed that I’d self-harm in the relationship anyway, and when it finally ended, I was pretty fortunate to realise that the self-harming didn’t work anymore - that pain was just too emotionally embedded, I suppose. My point is, that YOU are aware of your situation a lot better than me and can gauge it better, but in order to do so, you have to be aware that you’re struggling with some hard emotional issues, and THAT is going to affect your thinking and perception about your environment. If you want to stop that deep emotional pain that you feel - the cause of why you self-harm in the first place, you need to try and keep a clear head, and not get carried away in emotion. I still maintain, however, that self-harming can be good for you, but like all things, it’s BEST when used appropriately and in moderation. The only REAL problem here is the emotional pain that you’re suffering. I really hope that you don’t ever feel alone in this, and even though it’s REALLY tough, I hope you can look inside yourself and learn to be at peace. |
BDG123412
Junior Member
Joined: 30 Oct 2009
Posts: 31
Tue Nov 03, 2009 11:36 pm
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I just don't know what to do anymore i mean my doctor just put me on an depression medication against what i had to say she is giving me more of a reason to NOT take my medication i do not want to be one of those people who has to drug to be happy OMG! |
Bubble Boy
New Member
Joined: 31 Oct 2009
Posts: 15
Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:23 am
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Again, I assume there will be a few people who don't like this opinion, but I'm not in favour of anti-depressants. I'm probably not allowed to have that opinion because I've never taken any, but even if I was advised to now, I wouldn't do it. I keep hearing little snippets about how people who have taken anti-depressants ended up worse and even more suicidal than before they started, and as far as I'm concerned, the drugs are there to eradicate the SYMPTOMS of depression, rather than cause. There's also a connotation implied that there's something wrong with you so you NEED this to adjust your brain so you're not insane, which as you may have picked up, I think is a totally rubbish (refrained from swearing) attitude.
However, I think it's dangerous for just me to tell you anti-depressants are bad, because I was lucky enough to have avoided other people investigating into it too much. Maybe somebody with experience in this area could advise you / provide you with better information, or maybe try scouring other posts in depression about anti-depressants and how effective they are.
First thing’s first, though. Remember, you’re not insane, and you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re not mad, and whilst people will probably never ‘get’ you, you should never ever lose faith that you’re just as normal and human as anybody else, with exactly the same rights and privileges. If there’s nobody on-hand to listen to you and give time to understand you, I’d recommend that you keep posting on here or another similar-themed forum, just so you can vent it and try to move on.
Also, I remember keeping a journal of my feelings for quite a few years (on and off, because it was a hassle and really upsetting to read). I don’t think it really helped me, except that I could look back on things I’d wrote, and I remember being really shocked at just how bad I felt about some things. I remember once that my dad had made a hurtful and spiteful remark one night, and all I could think about at the time was how I would hurt him (to be honest, in a violent way). I think a big part of why I reacted so strongly was because he was my dad, and it felt like betrayal (loyalty, for some reason, is super-important to me). But now, if he said a similar thing, I would throw an angry and probably quite humbling remark back at him…I guess somewhere, my perception about who I was, and how valid my opinions were, changed. I hope it can be the same for you too, but I’m pretty sure you won’t achieve that with medication. |
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