I have to comment that I think it was very cruel of the doctor to say that you "would die by your own hand." I hope you did not take his opinion to heart. You need love and support right now. What kind of person would say that to someone who is going through what you are going through? Especially a doctor? He was exceptionally inconsiderate and extraordinarily unprofessional. I'd place no trust in anything he would have to say.
I also want to mention that I am concerned about your decision to do ECT, although I do understand it. I know you are at your wit's end and part of you just doesn't care anymore, but remember that ECT does not really cure depression, it just desensitizes you. I feel I must quote two women who have had this procedure:
" I've only had negatives with ECT. I think it depends on the level of symptoms and what one is willing to trade for lessening or getting rid of the symptoms entirely. I was told that the memory loss would be temporary..........sometimes I forget how to drive..............I forget what a green light means.......there's... a definite deficeit in my brain function. I used to be an excellent speller.........now who knows what will happen when I type anything - thank goodness for spell check. I honestly think it should be banned as a forced treatment everywhere - and it should be talked about honestly with patients so they can make a well informed decision.............not just a slightly informed decision."
"ECT ruined my life. I had 40 unilateral and bilateral treatments over the course of 5 months in 2005, and it basically fried my brain. I forgot my engineering education, how to do my job, even my own wedding. I have been on disabililty ever since, unable to function or work in normal society. The ECT did not help my de...pression, and I had several suicide attempts and hospital visits after my ECT, party because of what the ECT did to my mind and my life. I want to warn people of the dangers of ECT, this should be an absolutely last resort if done at all. I understand it does help some people, I'm not ignorant. But I would never even recomend it to my worst enemy."
Although it may seem a viable option, please think about it more before you decide to do it. Perhaps just start on the MAOI and see how that goes first?
I hope you are doing better today. There IS hope.
Love to you,