How to manage an ED with DBT??? Help!

#45

Postby angel_lotus » Thu Dec 17, 2009 1:13 pm

Stella,

Thank God you are still here. Thank you so much for posting even in your current state. **HUGS**

I'll offer again, and I am sincere, I am here for you. I PMed you my number, and you can always PM me with yours and I'll give you a call. I am not here to judge, just to listen, to hear you if you want to vent, or want another pair of ears. I am here all day and available.

Love and blessings,
Debbi
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#46

Postby briary » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:26 pm

Hi Stella

I really feel for you and although my situation is not identical, it is similar enough for me to empathase wholeheartedly. I am so sorry you are feeling so low and hopeless about things but I do understand it. I am there too.

stella_blues wrote:Im just so bottom of my soul sad to be here- I failed. :cry: What could be more pathetic. I haven't given up the ghost- it's just inevitable. One of the dr. who spoke with me- one of the new ones to me, supposedly to offer "fresh eyes" on the situation- even said he believes it's inevitable I'll die by my own hand.

What kind of life is being watched and sedated?

This is so sad but reflects so much where I am right now too. No one is actually watching me as I've managed to escape all prying eyes, but if I hadn't I'd probably be on suicide watch too, even though my last doctor admitted to me she knew not what to do with me, used to shrug at me and say "I give up, Karen".

I wish I could give you hope Stella but the truth is I can't do that, no one can. But like Debbi, I am here for you if you want me to be. Contact me by PM or email if you want and I'll listen. I feel we are so alike and struggling with such similar issues. If I can help in any way I will.

One last thing - you haven't hurt anyone - not here anyway. I understand your pain and why you are contemplating the desperate action you feel driven to. We are here for you if you want us to be.

Karen
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#47

Postby angel_lotus » Fri Dec 18, 2009 3:44 am

Stella,

I have to comment that I think it was very cruel of the doctor to say that you "would die by your own hand." I hope you did not take his opinion to heart. You need love and support right now. What kind of person would say that to someone who is going through what you are going through? Especially a doctor? He was exceptionally inconsiderate and extraordinarily unprofessional. I'd place no trust in anything he would have to say.

I also want to mention that I am concerned about your decision to do ECT, although I do understand it. I know you are at your wit's end and part of you just doesn't care anymore, but remember that ECT does not really cure depression, it just desensitizes you. I feel I must quote two women who have had this procedure:

" I've only had negatives with ECT. I think it depends on the level of symptoms and what one is willing to trade for lessening or getting rid of the symptoms entirely. I was told that the memory loss would be temporary..........sometimes I forget how to drive..............I forget what a green light means.......there's... a definite deficeit in my brain function. I used to be an excellent speller.........now who knows what will happen when I type anything - thank goodness for spell check. I honestly think it should be banned as a forced treatment everywhere - and it should be talked about honestly with patients so they can make a well informed decision.............not just a slightly informed decision."

"ECT ruined my life. I had 40 unilateral and bilateral treatments over the course of 5 months in 2005, and it basically fried my brain. I forgot my engineering education, how to do my job, even my own wedding. I have been on disabililty ever since, unable to function or work in normal society. The ECT did not help my de...pression, and I had several suicide attempts and hospital visits after my ECT, party because of what the ECT did to my mind and my life. I want to warn people of the dangers of ECT, this should be an absolutely last resort if done at all. I understand it does help some people, I'm not ignorant. But I would never even recomend it to my worst enemy."

Although it may seem a viable option, please think about it more before you decide to do it. Perhaps just start on the MAOI and see how that goes first?

I hope you are doing better today. There IS hope. :)

Love to you,
Debbi
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#48

Postby stella_blues » Fri Dec 18, 2009 10:15 am

Karen and Debi- Such good friends you are. :) The psat day is a fog- my pdoc wants me to sleep so I'm drugged up to the gills. I guess sleeping is a good way to contain me? I talked to my partner about it very candidnly last night. I asked her point blank- What would she did if I ended my life? How would her life look? And just like I always assumed, she said that it would be incredibly painful, but that she'd continue forward, that she would survive. She was purely sincere. We alos talked about my life insurance policy. After three years of coverage (we've been on it for 5 years, now), suicide is paid out. I told her she should hire a lawyer, even still, b/c insurance companies are shadey, always trying to get out of paying. It was such a relief to talk openly that way. My pdoc, on the other hand, said she would be deeply affected, would carry it forever,and wonders if she would continue working wth high risk clientelle. Hard to say if she says that to "guilt" me into ambiivilance- but she seemed so sincere. She says when I'm well I light up a room- and that she's never given up hope. She does seem to put personal caring into her work.

Oh, that male doc I mentioned- he was zero help. Cruel, I don't know. I'm someone who can make others feel comfortable saying whatever's on their mind, and I thinkk that's just what he did. I didnt' take offense- if anything, I appreciated hearing it. It's something I beleve is true.

Well enough out of me.

I'm sorry I haven't been there for you this week Karen. Thanks for mustering the energy to stand up for me. Hugs to you.

Taking a break from teh sedatives this morning, while my partner is still alseep. My head it pounding! :x
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#49

Postby angel_lotus » Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:59 am

Hi Stella,

Just hoping you had a better day today.

Debbi :)
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#50

Postby stella_blues » Sun Dec 20, 2009 10:02 am

Wow- the med change has made such a enormous difference! I can't believe I was that bad off just a few days ago. I was cuddling with my sweetheart on the sofa, watching TV, last night and my mind was reeling that I almost wouldn't have been laying there with her. That she would be alone on that sofa. I've never in all my life been so on the edge.

The medication side effects are crap, but I'll take them over the alternative.

Unfortunately the eating disorder is bigger than ever. I'm now purging everything. Last night I was so desperate to purge all had was a pen and I scratched my throat all to h3ll. I thought it would swell shut. Just like an alcoholic going for the cough syrup with the bottle of vodka runs dry. :oops:

I feel like I've let you gals down here. I don't know why. I guess it's that I feel like I gave up in the face of all your caring support. I just want to appologize- for making it seem like your support didn't matter and for putting you through such worry. Your being here has meant the world to me- and I shouldn't have posted my intentions with Karen also being so close to the edge. That wasn't good. Not at all. I hope you can forgive me, Karen. :( We need to be strong for each other and I intend to be more mindful of that in the future.
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#51

Postby briary » Sun Dec 20, 2009 10:41 am

Hi Stella

You have nothing whatsoever to apologise for. You have certainly not let anyone down so please stop thinking that. I know myself it is often incredibly hard to take on board advice, expecially when going through a crisis like this. It doesn't seem to me like you gave up - when it came down to it you were braver than I could ever be by being completely open and honest with your pdoc and other professionals and sought help for yourself. That's being extremely courageous.

And please don't apologise to me for anything you wrote. It is true I am on the edge myself right now, but nothing you wrote had any kind of detrimental effect on me. I am responsible for my own actions and although I care about you and what happens to you, I can detach myself and wouldn't do anything to myself based on what you said. So no need for guilt or feeling bad ok? There is nothing to forgive.

I am glad the new medication seems to be helping, even if the side effects are very unpleasant. I hope these start to subside soon.

However, I am concerned that you are now purging everything you eat, as I am sure you don't need me to tell you how dangerous this can be. Your body will be suffering from the traumatic effects of purging, and also from severe malnutrition as you are not keeping any food down. Could you speak to your pdoc and explain that this is worse?

Look after yourself and keep posting here. We are here to support you in any way we can.

Karen
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#52

Postby stella_blues » Sun Dec 20, 2009 10:54 am

Thank you, Karen, for being so kind and understanding. I'm so glad my stuff isn't triggering for you. Please don't hesitate to let me know if it ever does come to that. I would totally understand. This forum is about support and I want to be that for you.

Are you having better days? Any changes?

I have a side job trimming horses hooves. I have five donkeys and mules to trim today. It's takes a lot of physical exertion to do this and I'm going to have to lay off the purging today. I haven't been able to work nearly as much lately b/c I'm getting weak. My pdoc and therapist are getting paperwork together to apply for Federal Disability. :(

Do you have Gov. Disability assistance where you are, to help financially?
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#53

Postby briary » Mon Dec 21, 2009 11:56 pm

Hi Stella

I'm about the same, struggling, you know how it is :(

How are you today?

It's sad you feel too weak because of the restricting and purging to manage your work any longer but I am glad your pdoc and therapist are trying to get you some disability financial support.

Yes, I receive disability benefits as I have a number of conditions as well as the mental health ones.

I hope today has been a little easier for you.

Karen
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#54

Postby stella_blues » Wed Dec 23, 2009 10:58 am

Hi Karen- I've been thinking about you these past few days. I'm sorry I haven't been around. But I finally feel like I've joined the land of the living, again.

I had the ECT consultation yesterday and we're going ahead with it. My first treatment is this Tuesday. I'd be lying to say I'm not nervous. I'm actually pretty anxious. But the technology has come a long, long way from even ten years ago and I feel convinced that it's safe. I really don't have anything left- and the hoplessness that's come from this is so hard to live with. As you well know. So I'm really relieved to have something new to try.

My hope is that the ECT will stave off the depression and sucidality- and that in turn will take the power out of the eating disorder. :?

Have you been able to find someone to prescribe your Thyroid meds, yet? How are you?
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#55

Postby briary » Thu Dec 24, 2009 9:59 am

Hi Stella

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. How are you today?

I can't really comment on ECT treatment because my opinions are probably biased. It is the last thing in the world I would consent to, probably because when I was young my parents used to tell me that's what would happen to me if I didn't 'shut up' about feeling depressed and 'stop lying' and 'seeking attention'.

Also, I don't personally believe in it as I saw the effects of it on someone who had it a couple of years ago, and being one of my biggest fears anyway I wouldn't consider it as a treatment.

However, you have discussed this with your pdoc and the people treating you, and I can tell that this is a kind of last resort for you and you are desperate for something, anything to help turn things around. So, I wish you well and hope it gives you the results you are hoping for. You certainly deserve some relief from all that has been happening recently and I hope this treatment brings you some peace and relief from the depression and eating disorder problems.

Nothing has really changed with me. Still struggling and thinking the same way. The time of year really doesn't help.

Karen
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#56

Postby angel_lotus » Fri Dec 25, 2009 2:19 am

Hi Stella,

I hope you have a wonderful, peaceful holiday.

Blessings,
Debbi :)
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#57

Postby stella_blues » Fri Dec 25, 2009 11:17 am

Wishing Happy Holidays to you both, Debbi and Karen! And a better year in 2010!
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