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myungsin
New Member
Joined: 23 Oct 2006
Posts: 3
Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:37 am
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| Pushing people away |
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I'm going to see a 'cognitive analytical therapist' on Monday, so just trying to work out what my problem is so I can talk to them about it, and thought it would be good to get a head start by getting some feedback on here while I try and suss out what I need help with.
Basically I think I don't let people get to close and the people that I do allow to get close I don't make it easy for them. As an example, I rarely have girlfriends and that is by choice, I meet a lot of girls who I connect with and we are interested in each other but I don't let them get close enough, my ex-girlfriend had to be pretty forceful to get to the stage we got to and then I think I made it hard enough for her that it wasn't worth sticking around.
Which I believe is due to growing up with parents who didn't really love each other or me and who moved us around a lot. I generally didn't get to stay anywhere more than a year or two. and so the friendships I made as a child never got to close and now as an adult I find it hard to stay in one place, one job or with one group of people, I would even say I find it hard to commit to an idea or opinion.
My current situation is that I have been in a new job for about three months and am already thinking of excuses to move to a new country and although I was really friendly and sociable at first I have started ignoring people and probably been a bit rude to them aswell and people who clearly wanted to be friends are probably starting to change their minds. I want to stick this job out now as I can see its a pattern of behaviour and everything will be the same wherever I go.
I guess my main concern before seeing a therapist is: If this isn't really a result of a particular event but is actually the result of how I have been brought up then surely its not something that can be changed as it is actually at the core of who I am?
If anyone feels in a similar situation as me I would love to hear from you.
It's good to know your not alone! |
kontra
Junior Member
Joined: 20 Jul 2010
Posts: 55
Fri Jul 30, 2010 11:36 am
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Hey myungsin,
Well I do share alot in common with what you mentioned here. You speak of the 'bringing up', and probably it is the source, yet my country has a very rich familial tradition and I was brought up in the custom of a good loving family with several strong bonds. Yet I (out of 24 cousins) came out to be the black sheep. I instinctively construct a barrier with others, I don't value friendship and I am an opportunist. As with you I don't tend to have many girlfriends, I don't care anymore really, I have long since stopped believing in love, it has no use for people like me. I find it easy to separate from anyone, but I am not rude or arrogant with people. I always try to take the whole scene, rather than emotion, and construct responses in that way.
Keeping people at a distance does have its advantages. I realized that I could devise strategy and co-ordination far better than most untrained individuals. Also, the very conscious eye within yourself that constantly keeps you updated with your emotions and how to control them. Of course disadvantages include that most people will not feel too comfortable around you, since they never know what you're up to (which is a law of strategy actually).
With whatever team I am in, I naturally take the co-ordination role, but very unnatural for me to be part of a team. The best kind of job for my kind of person is with orders coming directly from the boss and my duty to direct a team towards the goal required, constructing plans and thinking of situations that may happen, calculating till the last probability. In such a scenario I feel at 'one' with the job, and rarely do I get tired (sometimes working for long hours with constant motivation). But put me with a team and I'll be out of the company within weeks.
I don't know if it is a problem. But as I said, alone I can put myself at 100%, in a team I cannot belong. |
kjames
New Member
Joined: 10 Aug 2010
Posts: 2
Tue Aug 10, 2010 8:33 pm
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| Re: Pushing people away |
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I have many of the same issues and am currently seeing a counsellor about it. I feel exactly the same way when it comes to intimate relationships. I just ruined a relationship with this really great guy because I wouldn't let him get close to me. When you said "I think I made it hard enough for her that it wasn't work sticking around" that really rang true...that is exactly how I feel. As much as I liked him...I couldn't let him get close to me..mostly due to my fear of not being good enough. Not sure if that's something that you have been feeling too.
It really sucks not being able to have normal relationships with people because of this. Thanks for posting..you're right...it is good to know you're not alone! |
myungsin
New Member
Joined: 23 Oct 2006
Posts: 3
Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:48 pm
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Komtra:
Thanks for the reply. I'm not to sure if I think like that. I actually value friendship very much and am really not career driven at all, in fact I have always said I would rather have lots of friends than lost of money (I seem to have ended up with neither!!) of course thats just what I think and people live the lives they want. I just personally think people are very important to me.
Kjames:
I actually just started seeing a therapist myself and wish I had sooner! We have just scratched the surface of my past and it really feels like the right place to be digging although bringing all that stuff up again has made me pretty depressed... In the words of my old boxing teacher "to get to heaven you must first go through hell" (which is why he made class really painful, apparently). I know what you mean about worrying you are not good enough, I actually feel like everything I do has to be perfect or I am a failure because of the way my parents treated me. Seeing as how therapy is basically just talking about stuff, I wondered if you wanted to set up a kind of pen pall relationship while we go through it? you know as we are both in the same place, dealing with similar problems?
Rob
(myungsin is ironically a black sheep as well. He's a north korean terrorist in the korean movie 'typhoon'. Ironic, because I didn't see the connection till now) |
kjames
New Member
Joined: 10 Aug 2010
Posts: 2
Fri Aug 13, 2010 3:21 am
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I would be more than happy to do that. It would be really nice to talk further with you about this. I can't seem to send you a private message though...? |
myungsin
New Member
Joined: 23 Oct 2006
Posts: 3
Sun Aug 15, 2010 4:13 pm
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It seems we have to be more active members to pm each other. So as we are both new, it wont let us.
you can email me on
rob at firefields dot com
The more I think about this the better an idea it seems. Hope to hear from you soon. |
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