Nice to have you here on the Eating Disorders forum. Sorry for the circumstances you're in, though. It sounds very hard. It made me sad for you, that you feel it's sick. You have a disorder and it's no more sickening than having diabetes or cancer. Try not to beat yourself up for it.
I agree with what other replies have mentioned, too. I purge daily these days and feel it doesn't have much at all to do with food- but mostly about trying to distract from distressing feelings. If I abstain from eating or purging, I start to feel all the bad things- think the bad thoughts- and feel out of control, anxious, and like a failure. When I eat, I know I can just purge it all- and I know I'll feel a great sense of accomplishment after I purge. I'll feel light, empty, sin-free, no consequence for giving in to the urge to eat.
The whole process- from when I start preparing the food to when I finish purging- can use up a couple hours of my day. Lately, the name of the game for me is just getting through the day. And this has become my coping mechanism.
I hope you'll consider the suggestion to join an ED group if it's available. I've been in a Dialectical Behavior Therapy class since late summer. I have to confess it hasn't helped me resolve my ED stuff. But it HAS been instrumental in my confronting the dysfuntion of the disorder. And it's been such a relief having people to share my fears knowing I won't be judged harshly for it.
Week before last, I herniated a blood vessel on my tonsil during a purge. I realized if I'd kept at it, I could have ruptured the vessel and hemorrhaged. I'm sure you know about the dangers of purging. But this really freaked me out. Not the way I've pictured myself going. To make matters worse, I had to hide the discomfort of it from my partner and pretend I was fine. Since she doesn't know about my purging. A pretty low point in my ED.
Have you ever tried chewing and spitting instead of eating and vomiting? I've been trying to substitute this behavior. It's still considered a purge, just that it's a lot less invasive and damaging. If I know these cookies I'm about to eat will require purging, I'll try to choose spitting them into a tissue rather than swallow them and need to vomit them up.