" This has been going on long enough that I recognize somewhat of a cycle, and this is the part where everything is happy for a while and I am holding my breath hoping it will last as long as possible, even though deep down I know it won't. It is only a matter of time before the next downturn. I feel like such a pessimist for expecting the worst to happen but I think I have learned through the years. But I am trying my best to enjoy the "happy" time while I can. I also don't talk about it because I want to avoid the self-fulfilling prophecy effect, in case it's just all in my head. I have my own emotional issues, I suffer from PMS, and I have it now, so my emotions that I have been suppressing tend to come out during this time and I lay awake at night thinking and worrying about his health (it is 5am, I have been up since 3) and feeling paranoid that "this is too good to last" and wondering what the catch is. I fear that my sitting back during this time makes me an "enabler" because his smoking benefits me, because he is nicer, and I feel guilty and selfish because I am allowing him to ruin his health for periods of "smooth sailing," and I am confused because I wonder if I am detaching to the point that I am giving up on trying to help, it is all very confusing. Sometimes I feel like I am living with a stoner burnout college roomate instead of a husband, our intimacy decreases when I feel this way because I find the habit disgusting and repulsive. Sometimes he offers to get me high too, like to help my PMS. I was reminded of an old college roomate he had who tried to get everyone around him to drink too so he wouldn't feel so bad about himself."
Are you positive that the worst problem is the smoking, or is the worst problem your opinion of it? You have already said that it really doesn't interfere with his life, or yours, other than his mood swings (which I assume are NOT caused by the pot) and your hatred of his smoking. It is possible that the greatest problem is that you have set up in your mind that you WILL NOT be happy when he is high, no matter what.
"I am leaving this weekend for three weeks to travel with my parents. Under the current state of things, I will go, we will miss each other, nothing will change, I will come back, life will resume just like this. While I am gone he will probably work a lot, work out a lot, and smoke a lot and enjoy the break from me. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we can use this three weeks apart for some productive benefit?"
Yea. You can use the time to figure out just how much you really love him. Can you live without him? Are you really happier without being around someone who is smoking, and is that happiness worth more to you than the relationship? As far as the "we" part goes, you need to realise that you have to stop trying to run his life. You cannot control what he learns from your time apart.
"He says we are codependent. We spend 24/7 together because we both work at home and do the same recreational activities. Each of our happiness depends largely on whether the other person is happy. I bought a book on the subject and I don' t recognize many of the symptoms, though my happiness does depend in large part on what mood he is in. Sometimes. I make a point of doing my own thing and finding peace and happiness on my own, I have no choice. Otherwise the vacation would have been suicidal for me, I had to go out in the ocean alone and to yoga classes by myself and find my own happiness when he is unhappy. I feel selfish when I do this. I do love him more than anything else in life. I can't imagine life without him, but in some ways that makes me sad. I don't know if this is the one life I am meant to live or if it can be different. When he was feeling rotten during the trip he talked about getting separated or leaving me, not because of me but because he felt I deserved better. That confuses me. Because if I tell him how I feel and how he affects me, that I am up all night crying alone at least once a month, I am scared I will lose him because he loves me enough to let me go. Or he will feel resentful that I want him to change. And that is not what i want, I love him the way he is, I only want him to be healthy and happy and grow old with me as my loving partner. If we talk he says that we are focusing on HIS problem and how I must think I'm perfect and have no faults. I know I have my own issues, I wish I knew a way to figure them out and bring them up equally so we are working together on ourselves and not focusing on him. But maybe that is what codependence is, my happiness depends so much on how his moods are, so by talking about his mood swings and their cause, we are talking about me too."
He probably is already resentful and so are you. He probably does love you and want to be with you, but something he does and likes to do, something that he sees as part of him, bothers you so much that you can't function. You are probably making him feel guilty for making you feel bad, because it seems you must go to great lengths to feel bad, trying to make sure he knows just how bad he makes you feel. Certainly he must not like the idea of you crying yourself to sleep at night just because he wants to smoke pot. He probably feels like you'll NEVER be happy with him. You said you "love him the way he is". So either you do or you don't!!! If you do, then why so much misery? You seem to be obsessing on what you want to the point of ruining both your lives.
I don't think there is anything wrong at all with being co-dependant. It's when one or the other person becomes too much of a burden that it's a problem.
"earth mother, I think he understands that he might have some bi-polar symptoms, but when I mentioned it he got upset at me. He said something like, why does it always have to be about what's wrong with me? What about you, you think you have no faults and you are not perfect. I also think if he recognizes something in himself, he justifies his smoking as part of the treatment, as better than all those other pharmaceuticals with bad side effects. have you heard of "borderline" personality? I don't know much about it but I walk on eggshells wondering what his mood will be, and so does one of our dogs, she has been with us for almost 10 years."
That's common with bipolar. But there might be some times when he is more receptive to talking about it. I'm getting a sense, however, that you spend entirely too much time fretting over HIS problems, and you are NOT perfect, but maybe it just isn't in his nature to spend alot of time dwelling on what's wrong with you. I know from experience that it can become totally wearing to always have to be hearing about everybodies problems. It seems he just wants to be accepted.
"drug worker, when I ask myself what my problem is with the smoking, it is mainly health worries, and also the fear and waiting for the withdrawal or the next mood swing. I worry that it will affect/has affected his brain long term. He smokes and smokes until his body is so adapted to it that it doesn't help medicate anymore, so he has to smoke even more, and it eventually leads to a bad time, whether due to running out or due to the fact that it doesn't affect him so he is just as unhappy as if he didn't have any. He can't stay high forever. Or can he? If you are high your entire life until you die, is that missing out on life, or living a life more enriched?"
You need very much to STOP linking his smoking with the mood swings! Sorry, but it's true. Now I understand being concerned about his health, but NO ONE likes to feel as if they are being controlled by another person, no matter how much they love them. Especially if they don't feel that it's all that bad of a thing. He is not a posession. You do not own him. He is a separate entity from you. There WILL be things that you have in common and things you don't. You need to develope some self confidence so that you can do things by yourself and on your own and still have fun, without him. Try not to rely on him quite so much for all your happiness. That's a heavy burden to lay on someone.
Certainly he is not stupid, and can think for himself. He knows that inhaling smoke is not the best thing for his health. You probably do not need to remind him of this, as it may make him feel as if you believe he can't think for himself. If you are high on pot for your "entire life", it just means that you have an alternative outlook. Nothing more.
"I repeat, when things are good, they are wonderful and couldn't be better than anything else in the world. When things are bad, well, I barely feel like I can go on. But I hang in there for the good times and because I love him. We have a great life together. Our love for each other is strong. So should I accept things the way they are because no relationship is perfect? In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, that is how it is supposed to be, right?"
You should learn how to relax. Try to rid yourself of "judgemental-ness". Stop being so addicted to having things your way or else. You need to agree to disagree. I find it hard to relate to your obsesson with his smoking. You offer such mixed messages, somewhere between it's ruining your life and it doesn't cause any problems to speak of, other than making you unhappy. Separate the mood swings from the smoking!!! They could be from you nagging him about the smoking. Or that he knows how you feel about it, and so it makes him edgy, because he feels it's only a matter of time before you go off on him about it. He is the way he is. Being a confirmed pot smoker is not just a habit. It's a way of life. It's a culture. Figure out if you can tolerate it or not. Quit waffling. There is a great difference between loving someone and trying to control them. Trying to control means that it's CONDITIONAL love instead of unconditional. And unconditional love won't go away, even if you feel the need to part company due to your convictions about pot. What is REALLY more important? Having your way, or having him just the way he is?