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the love of my life is addicted to marijuana - please help


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mixedup
New Member


Joined: 03 Sep 2005
Posts: 2

Post Wed Sep 14, 2005 1:12 am

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Hi Sadgirl. I can feel your sense of denial because I have been there. I know my situation is different, I was never married but I have been in a long term relationship where I practiclly lived w/ my boyfriend. Its almost easier to pretend that the problem doesn't exsisit when the good times are happening. Honestly am I glad I ended things, partly yes and no. I miss him terribly and can't stop worrying about him and if he is ok. I feel this guilt like if there was only something else I could do. The reality is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and he doesn't right now. The only thing that I am glad about is not constantly feeling angry and aggitated because he is always high.

I have felt like a "enabler" because the times that I act like everything is ok I am deep down so upset that why can't you be happy and not be stoned? Why can't we just enjoy each other and not have to get high? I honestly don't get it. I have also felt myself being extremley bitter towards him because of it. I don't want to take something away from you that makes you happy but when it starts to affect our relationship, why is he so blind to see the deep root of arguments? Why should I have to constantly appease him just to avoid another unnecssary argument? This is what makes you bitter.

Another thing sad girl, I have heard the whole "I deserve better than him" thing before. I think its guilt because the "people" with the problems have this guilt and don't know if they are able to get by without the pot. Realisticlly I have done the same thing in the past always worrying if he is happy and if his mood is good then mine will be good. Sometimes I wonder if he put forth that much effort to consider my feelings.

I also want you to know that I have had that same scared to lose him feeling and that it seems that a person that has become some dependent on me is so easily willing to let me go and all because we argue over the fact that I wish to God that he didn't need to be high all the time.

Your situation is very different, you are married and that is something that is taken very seriously. I wish i was a expert to give you advice (then it would help answer some of my questions too) but since i am not I think you should takes this time on your 3 week trip and evaluate your relationship as a whole and weigh out the good time sand teh bad times. If you feel miserable more times than you are happy them maybe you need to start evaluating your relationship closer. You deserve to be happy and not jsut fake happy, really happy. I feel your pain and I hope that this time away will give you some more perspective on things. Looki forward to hearing your update.
  
Rob
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Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 874
Location: North London.UK

Post Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:20 am

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Hi Sadgirl
I just think I had to face up to the fact that smoking spliff was not good for me, it was actually a factor that was and still could bring ruin to my life.
It took a certain amount of real,repeated and tangible loss to realise this..perhaps it will only be when he has lost you that he will deal with it?
It is undeniable that some men treat their wives like their mothers and that some men were pretty rotten to their mothers.
Perhaps your man needs to see you in a different light now..
If you are really that unhappy with your life as a result of your mans smoking you have every right to demand a resolution.
If you are that scared of his moods and you can see a clear link to the smoking then he really has a problem.
At the core of his life is a mess of tobacco stained and spliff induced confusion...you are married to a two bit chemistry experiment.
He is scared to face life without a smoke because to do this would be to look at what a hollow person he has become...but then we all do perhaps and life is not as complex and wonderful as we hoped it might be.
I think he will need to feel more danger to quit..
Will the thought of loosing you be enough?
It is a dangerous game to play unless you really mean it and will suffer the best or the worst outcome with equanimity.
I think you should use your trip away as a break from the guy.
You need to look at this situation and this trip away is a good time to do it even if perhaps one year away would be a better length of time!
He thinks you will be there always...
To me your relationship seems a little disfunctional..and for 'better or for worse' I don't believe meant cruel or indifferent behaviour.
He is being a bit hopeful when he calls this relationship co-dependent.
It seems just like a classic case for break-up if you are walking on eggshells all the time..he has to admit to himself that something has to change/improve/get better and that it is time to 'dry out' for a year and see how that feels.
But you know he won't..can't..and is a slave to his spliff.
He is trapped in an illusion where he can't concentrate..communicate or fornicate without Nicotine and Spliff banging on his brain..pumping through his body and mind.
I think you should concentrate on your mum and you for three weeks..but mainly you!

Rob


Last edited by Rob on Wed Sep 14, 2005 4:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
earthmother
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Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 230
Location: earth

Post Wed Sep 14, 2005 3:01 pm

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" This has been going on long enough that I recognize somewhat of a cycle, and this is the part where everything is happy for a while and I am holding my breath hoping it will last as long as possible, even though deep down I know it won't. It is only a matter of time before the next downturn. I feel like such a pessimist for expecting the worst to happen but I think I have learned through the years. But I am trying my best to enjoy the "happy" time while I can. I also don't talk about it because I want to avoid the self-fulfilling prophecy effect, in case it's just all in my head. I have my own emotional issues, I suffer from PMS, and I have it now, so my emotions that I have been suppressing tend to come out during this time and I lay awake at night thinking and worrying about his health (it is 5am, I have been up since 3) and feeling paranoid that "this is too good to last" and wondering what the catch is. I fear that my sitting back during this time makes me an "enabler" because his smoking benefits me, because he is nicer, and I feel guilty and selfish because I am allowing him to ruin his health for periods of "smooth sailing," and I am confused because I wonder if I am detaching to the point that I am giving up on trying to help, it is all very confusing. Sometimes I feel like I am living with a stoner burnout college roomate instead of a husband, our intimacy decreases when I feel this way because I find the habit disgusting and repulsive. Sometimes he offers to get me high too, like to help my PMS. I was reminded of an old college roomate he had who tried to get everyone around him to drink too so he wouldn't feel so bad about himself."

Are you positive that the worst problem is the smoking, or is the worst problem your opinion of it? You have already said that it really doesn't interfere with his life, or yours, other than his mood swings (which I assume are NOT caused by the pot) and your hatred of his smoking. It is possible that the greatest problem is that you have set up in your mind that you WILL NOT be happy when he is high, no matter what.

"I am leaving this weekend for three weeks to travel with my parents. Under the current state of things, I will go, we will miss each other, nothing will change, I will come back, life will resume just like this. While I am gone he will probably work a lot, work out a lot, and smoke a lot and enjoy the break from me. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we can use this three weeks apart for some productive benefit?"

Yea. You can use the time to figure out just how much you really love him. Can you live without him? Are you really happier without being around someone who is smoking, and is that happiness worth more to you than the relationship? As far as the "we" part goes, you need to realise that you have to stop trying to run his life. You cannot control what he learns from your time apart.

"He says we are codependent. We spend 24/7 together because we both work at home and do the same recreational activities. Each of our happiness depends largely on whether the other person is happy. I bought a book on the subject and I don' t recognize many of the symptoms, though my happiness does depend in large part on what mood he is in. Sometimes. I make a point of doing my own thing and finding peace and happiness on my own, I have no choice. Otherwise the vacation would have been suicidal for me, I had to go out in the ocean alone and to yoga classes by myself and find my own happiness when he is unhappy. I feel selfish when I do this. I do love him more than anything else in life. I can't imagine life without him, but in some ways that makes me sad. I don't know if this is the one life I am meant to live or if it can be different. When he was feeling rotten during the trip he talked about getting separated or leaving me, not because of me but because he felt I deserved better. That confuses me. Because if I tell him how I feel and how he affects me, that I am up all night crying alone at least once a month, I am scared I will lose him because he loves me enough to let me go. Or he will feel resentful that I want him to change. And that is not what i want, I love him the way he is, I only want him to be healthy and happy and grow old with me as my loving partner. If we talk he says that we are focusing on HIS problem and how I must think I'm perfect and have no faults. I know I have my own issues, I wish I knew a way to figure them out and bring them up equally so we are working together on ourselves and not focusing on him. But maybe that is what codependence is, my happiness depends so much on how his moods are, so by talking about his mood swings and their cause, we are talking about me too."

He probably is already resentful and so are you. He probably does love you and want to be with you, but something he does and likes to do, something that he sees as part of him, bothers you so much that you can't function. You are probably making him feel guilty for making you feel bad, because it seems you must go to great lengths to feel bad, trying to make sure he knows just how bad he makes you feel. Certainly he must not like the idea of you crying yourself to sleep at night just because he wants to smoke pot. He probably feels like you'll NEVER be happy with him. You said you "love him the way he is". So either you do or you don't!!! If you do, then why so much misery? You seem to be obsessing on what you want to the point of ruining both your lives.
I don't think there is anything wrong at all with being co-dependant. It's when one or the other person becomes too much of a burden that it's a problem.

"earth mother, I think he understands that he might have some bi-polar symptoms, but when I mentioned it he got upset at me. He said something like, why does it always have to be about what's wrong with me? What about you, you think you have no faults and you are not perfect. I also think if he recognizes something in himself, he justifies his smoking as part of the treatment, as better than all those other pharmaceuticals with bad side effects. have you heard of "borderline" personality? I don't know much about it but I walk on eggshells wondering what his mood will be, and so does one of our dogs, she has been with us for almost 10 years."

That's common with bipolar. But there might be some times when he is more receptive to talking about it. I'm getting a sense, however, that you spend entirely too much time fretting over HIS problems, and you are NOT perfect, but maybe it just isn't in his nature to spend alot of time dwelling on what's wrong with you. I know from experience that it can become totally wearing to always have to be hearing about everybodies problems. It seems he just wants to be accepted.

"drug worker, when I ask myself what my problem is with the smoking, it is mainly health worries, and also the fear and waiting for the withdrawal or the next mood swing. I worry that it will affect/has affected his brain long term. He smokes and smokes until his body is so adapted to it that it doesn't help medicate anymore, so he has to smoke even more, and it eventually leads to a bad time, whether due to running out or due to the fact that it doesn't affect him so he is just as unhappy as if he didn't have any. He can't stay high forever. Or can he? If you are high your entire life until you die, is that missing out on life, or living a life more enriched?"

You need very much to STOP linking his smoking with the mood swings! Sorry, but it's true. Now I understand being concerned about his health, but NO ONE likes to feel as if they are being controlled by another person, no matter how much they love them. Especially if they don't feel that it's all that bad of a thing. He is not a posession. You do not own him. He is a separate entity from you. There WILL be things that you have in common and things you don't. You need to develope some self confidence so that you can do things by yourself and on your own and still have fun, without him. Try not to rely on him quite so much for all your happiness. That's a heavy burden to lay on someone.
Certainly he is not stupid, and can think for himself. He knows that inhaling smoke is not the best thing for his health. You probably do not need to remind him of this, as it may make him feel as if you believe he can't think for himself. If you are high on pot for your "entire life", it just means that you have an alternative outlook. Nothing more.

"I repeat, when things are good, they are wonderful and couldn't be better than anything else in the world. When things are bad, well, I barely feel like I can go on. But I hang in there for the good times and because I love him. We have a great life together. Our love for each other is strong. So should I accept things the way they are because no relationship is perfect? In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, that is how it is supposed to be, right?"

You should learn how to relax. Try to rid yourself of "judgemental-ness". Stop being so addicted to having things your way or else. You need to agree to disagree. I find it hard to relate to your obsesson with his smoking. You offer such mixed messages, somewhere between it's ruining your life and it doesn't cause any problems to speak of, other than making you unhappy. Separate the mood swings from the smoking!!! They could be from you nagging him about the smoking. Or that he knows how you feel about it, and so it makes him edgy, because he feels it's only a matter of time before you go off on him about it. He is the way he is. Being a confirmed pot smoker is not just a habit. It's a way of life. It's a culture. Figure out if you can tolerate it or not. Quit waffling. There is a great difference between loving someone and trying to control them. Trying to control means that it's CONDITIONAL love instead of unconditional. And unconditional love won't go away, even if you feel the need to part company due to your convictions about pot. What is REALLY more important? Having your way, or having him just the way he is?
sad girl
New Member


Joined: 14 Aug 2005
Posts: 14

Post Fri Sep 16, 2005 3:38 am

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Great points from all. Thank you.

Earth Mother, you may have confused my posts with someone else's in this thread. I have pretty much let go of my "convictions" about pot, as I said earlier, I am fine with recreational use. I would love it if my husband smoked as little as you do. Average of 6 to 10 bowls per day, $300 up to $1000 a pop, not lasting very long, is what I'm talking about. The way you describe your routine sounds fine to me. It's the constant self-medication to cope with daily life that scares me. And you and your house probably don't reek of it all the time.

I apologize for mixed messages. As I have said before, I am confused myself. I would be fooling myself to say that this is totally selfless love -- sure, I would like to have a happy healthy partner to share my life with, I think having him in my life makes my life richer, and I don't want to be a young widow. But I honestly believe that I would not stop loving him even if nothing changed.

I do not want to change him, I want to HELP him. He suffers far more than I do from the mood swings and I hate to see him in pain. When it gets bad he hates the world and questions the reasons for living. I am only a bystander while he is the one hurting so badly. I just want to hold him in my arms and cry with him, and I wish I could help, but he hates me too during those times.

Even some of his behaviors are endearing to me when he is high. He is more loving towards me and happier with the world in general. But I care more about his welfare than to enjoy those benefits at the expense of his health.

He does not know that I cry myself to sleep. I do not want to add that burden, because I already know he is smoking to cope with the world. I would like to believe that I am not being judgmental of him, and that I am purely concerned for his well being.

As for myself (since it seems like I'm just talking about HIM), I also used to have severe mood swings from PMS and I have tried many things, currently I take over the counter PMS remedies and do up to 3 hours of Bikram Yoga a day during that time, it seems to help, I still get the heavy emotions (with much more self introspection nowadays) and some irritability but I think it has improved a lot. My husband is also doing the yoga and for a while he didn't even need to smoke to be high because of the yoga, but like everything you do a lot of, your body adapts, so now he likes to smoke before yoga to make it more fun.

I am grateful to have found this forum. Earth Mother helped me to realize that I may need to separate the mood swings from the smoking. I did not know that before. I truly believed that the smoking was directly related to the mood swings, and now I have more information to work with.

At the same time, truth_hurts, mixed up, rob, SpencerK, have all demonstrated that smoking pot really can have its negative effects all on its own.

I am trying to find out if smoking pot has real negative health effects or bad long term mental effects before I make a bigger deal of it. I would love to find out that there's no risks and I don't need to cry any more. Bottom line, I want him to be happy and to share my life with him. I am here in this forum searching for a way to make it happen.

I don't think I need the three weeks to decide whether I really love him, I already know I do. Maybe I need to come out with all this so he can use the break to think about whether he loves himself enough to take care of himself for him. I just don't want it to seem like I am saying he has problems that he needs to fix for me to stay with him, that is not the point at all.

Things are going "well" right now so if I bring it up, he might assume I'm trying to create drama in our otherwise happy home or say that I'm never satisfied. I could come back to find the locks changed or all my things thrown out. Perhaps I need to be brave and accept that whatever is meant to happen will happen? Or am I playing with fire?
Rob
Preferred Member


Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 874
Location: North London.UK

Post Fri Sep 16, 2005 6:46 am

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Hi sadgirl
I think life is playing with fire perhaps..
but it sounds to me like the forum has done its job and put across a wide selection of ideas and comments to throw into the pot (excuse the pun!).

As a grown up..i enjoyed the choice to smoke or not to smoke....
But the truth is I never ever tried not to smoke!!

I can report that life without smoke is different for me and apart from a much better chest I do feel more consistent and presentable as a person.
I did loose a certain creative focus up to now (5 months) but I feel this will return with a more
'cold light of day' approach, which I need anyhow.
This is very much what I had to unlearn and was scared to face and created in me a deep conflict.
For as much as I knew that my smoking weed was out of control in terms of volume,strength and pattern..i would still chuff to help me sit down and concentrate..until I blurred out of focus and overstayed the moments in effect ruining my efforts. Communication with the world also suffered as some days I would be to stoned to really participate in much and drop out.....(clearly not the point of a small spliff now and then to effect a little change of perspective and help things along!)
So in a very real way I did put off change until now because I Liked smoking and failed to really see it was the one obvious life style change I could make in an emergency effort to win my mind and health back.
It seems to have been a good choice but only yesterday I was joking with a friend I was working with how good it would be to have a smoke!
Luckily he gave up too and just understood what I meant!!!
Rob
indigo
Preferred Member


Joined: 04 May 2005
Posts: 845

Post Fri Sep 16, 2005 9:54 am

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Rob

<< I can report that life without smoke is different for me >>

<<But the truth is I never ever tried not to smoke!!

<< did put off change until now because I Liked smoking >>

I've never looked at life without smoking .

That a good way to stop & find out! how life will be without smoking !

Thanks!
earthmother
Full Member


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 230
Location: earth

Post Fri Sep 16, 2005 1:32 pm

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"""Earth Mother, you may have confused my posts with someone else's in this thread. I have pretty much let go of my "convictions" about pot, as I said earlier, I am fine with recreational use. I would love it if my husband smoked as little as you do. Average of 6 to 10 bowls per day, $300 up to $1000 a pop, not lasting very long, is what I'm talking about. The way you describe your routine sounds fine to me. It's the constant self-medication to cope with daily life that scares me. And you and your house probably don't reek of it all the time."""

No, no confusion. It's just what I read between the lines of your posts. And as far as smoking amounts, well, I'm sure that on a normal day, I smoke about that much, and have for 35 years. My house smells like there are 4 pot smokers, 2 cigarette smokers, 12 dogs, and someone who loves insense living in it. Thank god for insense. But there is a big difference, because if we are all going to smoke that much then we need to take responsibility for the cost, and so we grow it. If we don't have any we don't smoke any. That's all. I feel I can safely say that the mental effects aside from getting stoned are none. And I cough more from seasonal allergies than smoking. Or if all there is to smoke is leaf, that makes me cough, but when I stop for a couple days, it stops. I can't afford to have a bad cough, I'm a singer, so when I know I'm going to have to sing of an evening, I just be careful what and how much I smoke that day. I feel I suffer far more health wise from inhaling other peoples cigarette smoke, (I don't do cigs.) And mentally, I suffer far more from trying to deal with friends and family members drinking, which I see as making yourself retarded on purpose. I surely know what it's like to watch loved ones do something regularly which I KNOW is bad for them, and DOES have a really negative impact on them and others. I get grossed out by drinkers and it makes it hard to act normally around them until they sober up. I guess this is why I have trouble relating to your strong desire for your man to quit smoking pot. Money issues I can relate to, Actual problem makers, I can't tolerate, and the constant smell of dirty ashtrays and cig smoke so thick at times that I have to leave the room makes me retch, but if all I had to deal with was your "problem", well, I'd be glad to grow it for him actually if I were you...
Finkle
New Member


Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 3
Location: Australia

Post Fri Sep 16, 2005 11:16 pm

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Dear Sad girl
I can see what is going on here and I am not so sure the problem can be fixed, pot seems to falsely expand on who ever you are, I think this is why people like it so much and find it so hard to give it up. Itís not going to kill them straight away and so they can lie to themselves that they do not have a problem.

There seems to be a lot of debate in this thread about whether pot effects you and your moods, of course it does other wise why do we smoke it? Pot affects different people in different ways. Some people can remain normal for years others go off the deep end very quickly.

It is an intoxicant, it is only when you go without for a long period that you begin to see how badly it effects you and how useless it makes you. It is only people who have never stopped for more than a month or two who think it does not affect them. It can take up to a year for the individuals mental health to return to normal. It is fat soluble, and stays in the fatty tissues until the fat is burnt by exercise.

Speaking for my self if I smoke I become more energetic for a while, and will go for long walks or very long cycle rides 100 klms or more. Then sit down and work all night, and not pay to higher price, if I donít go for the cycle ride I am useless for days.

Please donít misunderstand me this is not a good thing far from it. As I said pot seems FALSELY expand on who you are, your short comings are very much part WHO YOU ARE, and will eventually take over your life. His life first and then yours.

I have just had to kick my closest and only friend out of my home for similar offences, being moody and making me walk around on egg shells, sitting around smoking while I worked 70 hour weeks to keep the place afloat. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and would rather go through major oral surgery again than have to do this.

It is good that you are getting away on your own for a while, from reading your posts you seem like the proverbial ďGood CatchĒ and your husband is unlikely to get this lucky twice in one life time.

You are unable to think clearly while you are immersed in this situation. Get away from the abuse at all costs if the loss of the relationship is the price then pay up. There are plenty of good straight men out there just choose more carefully next time and there will be a next time regardless of how you feel right now.

Marriage is about love and understanding and most importantly self sacrifice, which all appears to be coming from you at the moment.

Get some counseling, go along to a meeting or two and make some new friends. You cannot beat this alone, not because you are weak. You are not, you must be very strong to have lasted this long. You are the victim of a master manipulator this is how all addicts work regardless of their drug of choice.

They control the people around them and make them feel that it is their fault that they are the way they are and if you will only give them a break they can change. Instead of fessing up and admitting that they have a problem they turn on you and start to list your faults, in a vain attempt to gloss over their own.

They then get all vulnerable and apologetic and you remember the good times only, and put up with it for another round this is all manipulation and so on it goes on. You can learn about this by reading up on alcoholism who are acknowledged the masters of this.

Your husband is abusing you, and is a fool and doesnít deserve you, if he is constantly saying cruel and hurtful things to you then ask yourself is this worth it? Mental cruelty is justifiable grounds for divorce. Mental abuse is just as real as physical abuse sometimes worse. Bruises heal quicker than emotions and wrecked self-esteem. His confusion is leading to your misery and this is not what marriage is about.

Ask your self, if you have become addicted to him, itís easy to do, you love him and donít know to live with out him, and donít want to be alone. This is maybe the very thing that you need right now, there is a spiritual liberty in independence that very few people ever find. Having found it in my self I can say no relationship is worth it if it makes you miserable.

It is the easiest thing in the world to be addicted to another human being no matter how bad it is. Speaking from the bitter experience of having walked out of several relationships for this very reason it is often the only way out.

If there is a chance that he will land in jail and take you with him, then do what ever it takes to get out of there. This is a risk you cannot take, if he is flirting with long term prison and cannot see the risk then he has lost his reason and deserves to lose you.

Sorry to be so harsh on him I am sure that behind that pot addled mess there is a fine and lovable human being, but under the circumstance you describe that man may be lost forever if you do not do something decisive and soon. This may include turning on your heal and walking away.
sad girl
New Member


Joined: 14 Aug 2005
Posts: 14

Post Sat Sep 17, 2005 1:09 am

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Correction to my previous estimate, he explained to me that he smokes a number of "one hitter" bowls per day, not 6-10 full bowls. The $$ is the same though.

In reading everyone's insightful and very helpful replies, I think I have been unfair in focusing on the negative behaviors and not praising his wonderful qualities. But I suppose this is not the place to talk about things like that.

I am hopeful that things are looking up. What happened on the trip may have been rock bottom, it taught us some lessons about how to handle situations in the future, and I hope we are going uphill from here. He is being so sweet and wonderful now, it is hard to imagine those bad experiences happening with the same person. Also reading my previous posts it seems surreal as if it wasn't me, things have changed so much since we got back.

I still can't help this nagging feeling of self doubt though - wondering if he would be so sweet to me if he wasn't high. Since usually when he runs out he is not very nice. Can pot cause unrealistic feelings of love? Or does it magnify true feelings that are already there?

He even mentioned something today about wanting to be "natural" I think he meant happy and pure on his own without drugs. I cautiously suggested that if he was to go through withdrawal that it might be easier without me around to annoy him (while I am traveling). I don't think he has ever stopped for more than a few months though, and I have heard his good intentions before.

I even suggested that pot might not be the problem, and how moderate use may be a treatment for bipolar symptoms, but he was fairly adamant that he is not bipolar.

We talked about marriage with a mutual friend today, who believes two people shouldn't be forced to stay together their entire lives no matter what, each individual can experience changes and growth in life that change the relationship. Afterwards, my husband said he wants to stay married to me his whole life. I hope that would include doing what it takes to stay together, such as counseling, etc.

I don't want him to be sad and lonely while I am gone. Even worse, I don't want to even suggest that I am questioning our future by raising the issue and make my absence even harder. I will concentrate and send my love from halfway around the world to him and hope he is happy and doing what is right for him. But I doubt I'll have the heart to say anything before I leave on Sunday other than how much I'll miss him.

p.s. Finkle, I am not ignoring your advice at all, should I ever feel abused I will seek counseling and take some action. Thank you for your thoughts.
nilla
New Member


Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 1

Post Thu Oct 13, 2005 5:48 pm

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Hi sadgirl,

Our situations are very similar, but I have been married for 28 years to an everyday, all day, high-functioning marijuana smoker. As with your husband, his mood is totally dependent on the availability and quality of weed he smokes. Without smoking, he is tense, judgmental, moody, uncommunicative and can be violent if provoked. He describes smoking marijuana as being "as important as air" and that being high is normal.

Was your husband an addicted smoker when you met? If so, then you have never really known or spoken to him. Every communication you have, is with the pot he just smoked. Somewhere deep down inside him the original guy still lurks. For persons who are seriously addicted, eventually everything about them is colored, affected and guided by their need for THC, and their personalities, even the "nice" parts, are completely dependent on the level of drug in their brains.

I know this sound harsh, but I have been there from the very beginning of my husband's addiction, literally from his first use till now. Does your husband spend a good deal of time and money in the pursuit of staying high? I know this doesn't seem such a big deal now, since you both make nice incomes and you have no children. I noticed you mentioned the you "paid for half" of some weed he bought in secret. It's not the money. I wouldn't care if it was free and legal (The "societal pressures" statement doesn't fly. My husband is 46, no longer a child and doesn't bend to peer or societal pressure. His need is driven solely by the THC recptors in his brain. You should do some reading on how drug receptors are created and you will see what an incredibly strong addiction this can be).

Little by little I have become resentful of the priority status marijuana plays in his life. Sometimes that translates out in the form of money spent, his excessive "nap" schedule, time spent smoking with friends (not allowed at home - see next paragraph), mood shifts which limit his functioning only in environments that allow him to sneak a buzz, never making love without being high, his judgement always being skewed by marijuana use and the constant threat of being caught with an illegal substance.

We do have a child and my absolute goal is that she never knows about her father's drug use and that she has a very clear knowledge of my expectations and rules concerning drugs. I have been talking to her in age-appropriate ways since she was very small about the dangers of drugs, including cigarettes and alcohol and I have let her know that no use of any of these will be tolerated as long as she is a minor. I talk to her about health, moral and life issues concerning drug use and all the while I feel like a complete hypocrite. I constantly ask myself if she is better off with the dad she loves, even though he is drug addicted.

The vacation issue is a huge one. My daughter and I almost always do things alone - movies, holiday occasions, festivals, school functions, family gatherings - just she and I. The few times we have included dad, it ended badly as his high wore off and he became mean. We recently had to take our daughter out of state for surgery - she has cerebral palsy. He quit for the month prior to the surgery to prepare for the driving trip. What a nightmare! Trusting your child's life and well-being to doctors is one of the scariest experiences in life. Also dealing with a mean, impatient, childish man nearly drove me to homicide - or suicide - but fortunately we made it back home in one piece.

I no longer have the same feelings for my husband and he too was "the love of my life", my high school sweetheart. We have both changed and grown older and it is sometimes difficult to know how much of his personality changes are due to his drug use. Unfortunately, resentments grow especially, when one person absolutely refuses to change and considers the question of why he should change as ludicrous. He tells me that his drug use has absolutely nothing to do with and does not affect me or our daughter. Looking from my side, it affects everything.

I'll be glad to talk, if you think I can help. I too, really have no one to talk to. My only confidant is my sister-in-law, and she is sympathetic, but also drug-addicted (Their dad was an alcoholic and one other sister is drug-addicted. There's a pattern here.). I too do not wish to compromise my husband's standing with his friends and associates.

My husband refuses to go to counseling and becomes very threatening to me if I suggest marriage or individual therapy. He feels a third person would just create more friction.

It doesn't get better. I have been very direct, with no embellishments. I also have no intention of leaving my husband, not now while we still have our daughter at home. But if I knew then, what I know now...

Best wishes,

nilla
melj
New Member


Joined: 20 Oct 2005
Posts: 2

Post Thu Oct 20, 2005 2:14 am

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Hello,
Have been searching for answers to my (our) husband's marijuana problem and found comfort in finding this site.
My husband, too, is the love of my life...We share the same interests (horses/rural life style) and are the best of friends. But his chronic pot use has/is taking its toll on our marriage.
Long story short, we sold a business in '94 and he basically smoked up the $$. I felt that I needed to step in and take care of the family finances so got a job and have been working ever since...the more I will go the more he lets me do. His pot smoking allows him to to stay away from family functions, take long afternoon nap, not attend school functions... I could go on and on.
He gets on a carbo/sugar binge (eats chocolate by the pound) when he is smoking adding to health concerns.
One time, when I was actually on my knees pleading for him to quit, he told me, ' If it comes to a choice between you and pot, you lose'... can you believe I am still here 10 year later? f**ks with my own self esteem. Wouldn't most people have taken that statement to heart and left? What's wrong with me?
He has since tried to retract that statement but it is hard to forget.
He is so good to me, I can do what I like, he flatters me, he loves my body... but, I hate looking in those stoned, bloodshot eyes, I hate him not being able to remember what he did/didn't tell me. I want my relationship with him but I want it on my terms, I want him pot free.
I have threatened divorce, he said he would split everything in half...not quite the response I was looking for. I want him to say 'I love you more than pot, I will try to quit and this is how I am going to go about it. '
Seems like I am the one to come up with possible solutions;
*get counseling (alone or together)
*live like we are
*live apart
*get a divorce
I asked that he be the one to set up counseling as I feel that if I set it up he will feel pushed/nagged into it...so far no go. He doesn't want a divorce, he says that he has NEVER thought being the one to leave the relationship.
If I go it alone, (I work out of town and have an apt) he says he misses me, but will call only if he has a question. He doesn't like living in this unhappy relationship but will tolerate it.
What am I to do?
We are in our late 40's mid 50's. Is he going to be a debilitated old man smoking pot?
He will probably never attend an Alanon or M A meeting.
I can't pretend that it is alright to live like this, I want my life with him the way I want it. I am not high maintanence, am I not worth the effort to quit smoking? How do I support him in this? I am in a constant state of turmoil, our problem is always on my mind, I sometimes feel that I will implode.
I just want to be happy with my mate.

Mel
melj
New Member


Joined: 20 Oct 2005
Posts: 2

Post Thu Oct 20, 2005 2:15 am

   Reply with quote  

Hello,
Have been searching for answers to my (our) husband's marijuana problem and found comfort in finding this site.
My husband, too, is the love of my life...We share the same interests (horses/rural life style) and are the best of friends. But his chronic pot use has/is taking its toll on our marriage.
Long story short, we sold a business in '94 and he basically smoked up the $$. I felt that I needed to step in and take care of the family finances so got a job and have been working ever since...the more I will go the more he lets me do. His pot smoking allows him to to stay away from family functions, take long afternoon nap, not attend school functions... I could go on and on.
He gets on a carbo/sugar binge (eats chocolate by the pound) when he is smoking adding to health concerns.
One time, when I was actually on my knees pleading for him to quit, he told me, ' If it comes to a choice between you and pot, you lose'... can you believe I am still here 10 year later? f**ks with my own self esteem. Wouldn't most people have taken that statement to heart and left? What's wrong with me?
He has since tried to retract that statement but it is hard to forget.
He is so good to me, I can do what I like, he flatters me, he loves my body... but, I hate looking in those stoned, bloodshot eyes, I hate him not being able to remember what he did/didn't tell me. I want my relationship with him but I want it on my terms, I want him pot free.
I have threatened divorce, he said he would split everything in half...not quite the response I was looking for. I want him to say 'I love you more than pot, I will try to quit and this is how I am going to go about it. '
Seems like I am the one to come up with possible solutions;
*get counseling (alone or together)
*live like we are
*live apart
*get a divorce
I asked that he be the one to set up counseling as I feel that if I set it up he will feel pushed/nagged into it...so far no go. He doesn't want a divorce, he says that he has NEVER thought being the one to leave the relationship.
If I go it alone, (I work out of town and have an apt) he says he misses me, but will call only if he has a question. He doesn't like living in this unhappy relationship but will tolerate it.
What am I to do?
We are in our late 40's mid 50's. Is he going to be a debilitated old man smoking pot?
He will probably never attend an Alanon or M A meeting.
I can't pretend that it is alright to live like this, I want my life with him the way I want it. I am not high maintanence, am I not worth the effort to quit smoking? How do I support him in this? I am in a constant state of turmoil, our problem is always on my mind, I sometimes feel that I will implode.
I just want to be happy with my mate.

Mel
earthmother
Full Member


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 230
Location: earth

Post Thu Oct 20, 2005 3:14 pm

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As I've stated before, smoking pot on this scale is a lifestyle, a culture. This is who he is. At your ages, I'm guessing that he is totally comfortable in his lifestyle and doesn't feel the need or desire to try to change to please someone else. You also state clearly, more than once, that you only want your relationship on YOUR terms. I'm sorry, but that comes off sounding incredibly selfish on your part. Well, maybe you think HE'S being selfish, so it's ok. So you have reached STALE MATE then? I assume he's been smoking for a long time? You have survived ok this far? Aside from your distaste of his habit, that is? Don't divorce him for petes sake! Not so fast. If you already work away and have your own apt, then put your money where your mouth is and leave if it's that large of an issue. You're all set up to do it. Let him see just how important it is to you. Or are you afraid that he might just be fine without you? Let him find out for real if being apart from you is really ok with him or not. You seriously need to stop playing around and get real. So, maybe you are just not his type, or vice versa. Get to the truth, or you will just end up hating.
earthmother
Full Member


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 230
Location: earth

Post Thu Oct 20, 2005 3:40 pm

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quote:
Originally posted by nilla

We do have a child and my absolute goal is that she never knows about her father's drug use and that she has a very clear knowledge of my expectations and rules concerning drugs. I have been talking to her in age-appropriate ways since she was very small about the dangers of drugs, including cigarettes and alcohol and I have let her know that no use of any of these will be tolerated as long as she is a minor. I talk to her about health, moral and life issues concerning drug use and all the while I feel like a complete hypocrite. I constantly ask myself if she is better off with the dad she loves, even though he is drug addicted.nilla


I just had to comment on this. I have been closely "studying" this mind set for something like 30 odd years, and I have come to the conclusion that it is a terrible mistake to hide these things from your children. Kids are very smart, and, like the reality of Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, you can only hide things from them for so long. Then you find yourself with a child who sees her parents as hipocrites or liars. They lose some respect for you, and many times will get involved not only in the drugs that you are wanting to hide, but others as well, and far worse ones. It seems to go something like this, "After all, if mom and dad lied to me about this, then they probably lied about alot of other things, and seeing how I wasn't allowed to know the truth, and I have no experience, so I want to try everything. I'll get even with them." It doesn't matter how much you tell your kids something, seeing it first hand is the best teacher. Nothing was ever hidden from my kids, no matter how horrible or hateful. They saw things FAR FAR worse than smoking some pot!!! I certainly let them know my feelings about whatever was going on, and pointed out some of the "effects" just in case they missed it. I never had to put much energy into controling what they did, and allowed them to be independant and make their own decisions with a few GENTLE persuasion tactics. This approach has met with GREAT success, as all my kids are now grown, and have good sense regarding these things, with NO addictions. From my observations of my childrens upbringing and many others, hiding, lying, and being preachy and demanding about expectations will do one thing, make your kids rebellious, hateful, and turn them into demanding, judgemental, and selfish individuals.
sad girl
New Member


Joined: 14 Aug 2005
Posts: 14

Post Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:21 pm

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Well, I'm back, and I found some comfort in everyone's posts. So I went on the three week trip with my parents and sister, and eagerly looked forward to reuniting with my husband after the break and working on our relationship. But just as I was getting on the plane to come back home, I got called on a work-related emergency and returned home stressed and exhausted (16 hour time difference jet lag) and having to pack to travel for work. I basically had to turn around and leave again after the weekend, and basically I have been gone for a month and a half except for a couple of weekends. So imagine, a couple that has been together 24/7 both working from home for at least 2 years, suddenly apart for extended time. I think he enjoyed my absence, since when I came home for a weekend it was like I was disturbing his happy routine. So anyway, yesterday was my birthday and I tried really hard to come home for my birthday and bought a full fare one way ticket, and when I told him, he was not happy (I was originally scheduled to come home Friday night). He had already made plans with friends and was inconvenienced to cancel them to pick me up at the airport. He also stopped smoking 3 days ago (I don't know if it's voluntary or due to running out of weed). We are not getting along very well, it is like living with a stranger. I do not know where this is going, but I wanted to give an update and let you girls know I am still here to talk. I am here for a week or so before I have to leave town again for work. We are scheduled to go on vacation together for Thanksgiving week . . . don't know how that will go. . .if at all.
  

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