My quitting journal

Postby BlueFlame » Sun Jan 08, 2017 1:58 pm

Hello everyone,

I have discovered this forum since a few weeks and it has already helped me in many ways to read empowering words from others that have gone through the same path.
I have been smoking weed for several years, with some periods (lasting a few weeks) of abstinence that all got me to the beginning for the same reason (oh, maybe I can have just one now, that won't do any harm... hmm sure... very fast, I go back to a crazy daily use, pretty classic !).

Now I feel that I want some big change in my life. I have used weed as a crutch for some time, for the sake of being able not to feel, to avoid facing and living my emotions. In a way it is what I needed and some form of self-therapy, but I can no longer go on with the tiredness, the dizziness, the lack of perspectives associated to this behaviour. And I have decided a few days ago to go back on a new work (and life-searching) activity for which I will need a lot of energy to develop it in the coming months. and I have already wasted a lot of my energy to a plant, this has no sense to go on and on.

I stopped smoking during 10 days, at Christmas time, when I went to see my family. It was actually very enjoyable to be able to FEEL real feelings again, even negative ones (a lot of sadness went back to me, I cried a lot but it felt like liberating all those feelings that have been locked up inside of me all the time that I smoked), and to find very quickly joy in positive activities without finding the urge to smoke. I spent very few time thinking of weed, actually.
But back home, I very rapidly stumbled back on the smoking habit with my boyfriend.
Now I want to stop again, but I will not be able to isolate myself from home for a few weeks, since I have quite a lot of work and training in the coming weeks. I would appreciate your support and if you have any tips with helping not being too tempted to smoke at home (as I cannot get rid of the stuff since my boyfriend smokes and doesn't want to give up, given that he is pretty moderate and can control his habit). Anyway, I will use this thread to write advancements on my smoke-free journey throughout life. I deeply feel it's time for new positive habits in my way of life. Even if pot has helped me in some ways in the past, it's not possible anymore to go on and on with this, and I am willing to let it go. Good luck to all of you in the liberation process :-) !
BlueFlame
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#1

Postby Howuadoing » Sun Jan 08, 2017 3:15 pm

Firstly well done for what you have achieved so far!! My head was the same for couple days to start with so up and down and anger issues lol I found cutting sugar and caffeine out helped calm me alot! Eating better and training to tire myself out so I sleep lol I had wierd moments of dizziness and random fuzzy head but 4 days in now and feel so much better for it! I'm alert more I can get up in the morning as well lol keep us posted and all the best on the journey lol pete
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#2

Postby BlueFlame » Sun Jan 08, 2017 8:11 pm

Hi Pete, thanks for the nice words. Maybe what I have achieved so far is to understand that I need to quit completely; if I fall into smoking again while having stopped, I go back very fast to the usual routine which is just... crazy, you know :)
I also understood that what have lacked me when I was trying to quit in the past was a sort of sense to fill out the voir inner myself. There's no way to fill it with external sources, it's something very deep inside of you. Staying sober for some days helped me realize that I have huge opportunities coming that will lead me to my own path, and that I could just decide to live life rather than hiding myself behind the fog.

For my part, I don't drink coffee or tea and I eat few sugar and a quite healthy food (I enjoy cooking everyday local vegetables that taste like heaven :D ). I know that tomorrow morning will begin with a glass of hot water with the juice of a lemon, making a lovely fruit and grains salad, and hopefully that will help me to be OK without smoking and relaxing at work ! But that's also a reason for quitting : even if I already have healthy habits, smoking is quite illogical as it fulls my body with toxins. without talking about how it f**ks up my mind haha...

I'll finish this one for tonight, and let tomorrow be a brand new day ...
Have a good night everyone !
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#3

Postby BlueFlame » Mon Jan 09, 2017 9:07 pm

I went to work today without taking my smoking stuff. Even if my record of today is not perfect (I smoked a joint in the afternoon with a friend and a cigarette after a meeting tonight), it's way less than what I am used to. No crazy craving in the morning, no problem with no smoking before sleeping, I'm surprised and happy with how my mind reacts.

I would like to stop for good but I have the feeling there's something in me that still want to go on... I don't really know what to think... But I'll go for the one day at a time method and see what it brings... have a good night everyone!
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#4

Postby BlueFlame » Wed Jan 11, 2017 3:42 pm

Hello, I'm keeping up the writing activity here, just a very short visit to put my mind together. I overused in the last days, but I'm leaving now for a 3 days trip in another town for a training, so it's the opportunity to unsmoke my mind and have the chance to see life how it really is, when the fog dissipates !
Have a good week all of you, let's be hopeful together !
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#5

Postby Hopefulforchange » Thu Jan 12, 2017 4:48 am

BlueFlame wrote:Hello, I'm keeping up the writing activity here, just a very short visit to put my mind together. I overused in the last days, but I'm leaving now for a 3 days trip in another town for a training, so it's the opportunity to unsmoke my mind and have the chance to see life how it really is, when the fog dissipates !
Have a good week all of you, let's be hopeful together !


Sounds like you're well on your way. Enjoy your trip. :)
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#6

Postby BlueFlame » Mon Jan 16, 2017 9:50 pm

Thank you for your kind words. Your pseudonyme speaks for itself :D

Being a little bit away from home was a good thing; I'll be laving to another town this weekend too, but with a lot of smoking friends so I hope the temptation will not be too...argh :)
I feel pretty ill-at-ease these days, a lot of body tensions (especially in the belly), my body is telling me to stop too, but my mind has its tricky reasons, anyhow !
I remembered the last time I stopped smoking for a "long" period, it lasted almost 5 months and I relapsed because of too many mixed emotions, and the feeling that a little puff of anaesthetics and psychotrops won't do any bad... it was last March, and since then I struggle almost every day to quit. How crazy is that, right ? And is it supposed to be a struggle anyway ? I'm fed up with struggling. I don't want to struggle, I want to face life how it is. I made a smoking pause of 10 tens when I was with family for Christmas time, and it was so enjoyable to be able to feel again real emotions, be it of happiness or sufferings. I want to quit still, but there's something in me that's preventing this to happen so far... Well, let tomorrow be a new day and have some rest now, good night to all !
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