Until a few days ago, I was seriously depressed. It had started sometime in December, and was made worse when I visited my parents over the Christmas period, where I became very ill and everyone was in an incredibly bad mood, although the root causes obviously lie further back in the past. Once I got back home, I recovered from my physical ailments pretty quickly, although I continued to feel very weak and tired, and by the end of last week I only spent about three hours a day outside my bed. I realised that it must be mainly due to psychological causes, and I kept asking myself 'WHY?', rather than the more useful question 'HOW do I get out of this state?'
Three days ago I read an article about an author who had overcome her depression by microdosing on LSD for a month ('How dropping acid saved my life'
). It made me think of a tab of acid that I had stored in my fridge from over a year ago, and I decided to take a small amount of it. In the past, I have often taken dozens of strong tabs in a single night, so despite the fact that I hadn't had any for over a year (which always creates a completely new experience), I didn't think that it would have much of an effect on me, other than maybe slightly enhancing my cognitive abilities. While I was aware that the 'set' (current mindset) and 'setting' (the environment that it is taken in) are incredibly important, I have also realised in the past that it can make it easier to identify problems in one's life, so that it can be very beneficial to take it during a low point in life (which is also proven by various studies from the 1960s, when it was successfully being used in therapeutic settings before being outlawed).
When I opened the bottle, I realised that it also contained a small amount of MDMA, which I had completely forgotten about, so I decided to take just 1/6 of the tab (a smaller amount than I had ever taken before), and 1/3 of the Mandy, after spending about 45 minutes meditating first, and then ritualistically banishing any negative energies in my environment. It didn't take long for both substances to kick in, and I was starting to think that I wouldn't be able to bear the experience without getting in touch with a friend of mine to get some weed, but then I became aware that there was no logical reason for that statement to be true, and that I had everything in my environment that I needed for a good time. At some point I realised how much my depression had taken a toll on the tidiness of my flat, which was in a state of disarray. I spent most of the night tidying up, and the process actually sent me into a state of ecstasy, rather than appearing as a chore. During that time I had another 1/3 of the tab, and another 1/3 of the MDMA. Sometime before sunrise I walked me dog up the hill through the woods, and there was a thick fog which hardly made it possible to see further than about 100m. I was soaking in the atmosphere, and it filled me with a lot of joy. Once I got back I tried sleeping, but although it was about 10 hours since I had dropped the first dose of acid, I was still tripping like mad, and I realised that I needed to carry on keeping myself busy before my mind would be at enough rest for me to be able to sleep. I finally dropped off into some light sleep at around 10am, and got up again about three hours later.
Although I felt quite tired, I decided to finish off what I had started that evening, and I dropped the remaining half tab as well as the MDMA that was left. That night, I got into the tidying and cleaning process even more after I had achieved some first results the previous night, and by the end of the night I was absolutely astonished how much I had got done. Once again I only got a few hours sleep before getting up again, and soon afterwards I had a phone call from a friend who lives outside town, and who had announced a few days earlier that he would be coming that day. I was about to walk my dog, so we met outside my flat and went for a walk before coming back here, listening to some music and have some deep conversations about all kinds of stuff (we are on a similar wavelength, and he doesn't smoke either while sharing plenty of interests with me). By the time he left I felt extremely tired, and I thought I'd be heading back to bed before getting up again at night, when it would be time to walk my dog. But he recommended that I should keep myself awake until after I had walked my dog, and it seemed like a sensible idea. I had a few hours left, so I did my laundry, but apart from that I was too knackered to do anything other than just sit on the sofa. After I walked my dog around midnight – which once again showed me how much I enjoyed being alone in the woods at night – I went to bed, and I got a sensible amount of sleep last night. Today I am feeling very relaxed and positive, and I noticed like on many occasions in the past how the feelings that are experienced during a trip are carried over into everyday life, affecting my mood and overall wellbeing for a long time.
When I had last been tripping before, last Winter, it had been with my friend 'Mr. Dopeman', whose mental health has sadly deteriorated over the past two years or so, and it had left me inhibited while we were taking acid together, as I felt that I needed to be careful what I said and did around him, rather than just being myself and saying whatever popped into my mind, as I usually do. At the same time, I had probably become very aware that smoking had become the main problem in my life, and with that issue being unresolved, the whole experience was a whole lot less enjoyable than it could have been, and the whole uncertainty, confusion, feelings of helplessness etc. carried on affecting my life a long time after I had taken that last trip just over a year ago. While I have been working on solving my problems since then, I can't say the same about 'Mr. Dopeman', who was in a pretty bad state when I last saw him several months ago. When he becomes very ill he always throws his phone away and he lives about 50 miles away from here, so there is no way I can get in touch with him. But those who know him believe that he is probably either in prison or in a psychiatric institution. There have been times when he has been able to snap out his unhealthy mindset to a large extent (even when I was still able to detect some of his deluded thought patterns), and at times that has also been after he went home and took some acid on his own, although as with me at the time, he was often taking it undiscerningly, simply to get 'out of his head' (mixed with loads of weed and some amount of alcohol), rather than to get inside
it. Personally, I'm happy to go without any psychedelics for a while, and to live with the positive feelings that my recent experience has caused me. There is always a chance that a subsequent experience will be more difficult, leading to those complications being carried over into the period following the trip, and I'd rather quit for some time while I am feeling that I am very much in control of my life again. It has also become more difficult for me to get anything, as the person whom I was previously buying it off no longer sells it, but it seems to be one of those things which enter my life when I most need it, so I won't be forcing anything, but I'd rather let it find me instead of me going out of my way to look for it.
There are so many more thoughts that I could share, but I feel like having lunch now. Eating healthy food is also something that has suddenly become a lot more enjoyable (rather than just eating anything that doesn't need a lot of effort to prepare), and I have become very aware of how much the things that I eat affect my overall health, so I'm not going to waste any time to get something nice into my stomach ...