My struggle with weed addiction

Postby Shalvors » Tue Aug 23, 2016 6:10 pm

Hi all. I'm I brand new member but I've been checking out this forum for ahwile now and seams like a great community for support and advice. I'm a 28 year old male from Canada Who didn't take my first toke until I was 20 years old but imediatly I knew I loved it and I was hooked. I started immediately smoking every single night. Within 6 months of starting I was smoking all day every day. a quarter ounce per day I was going through.I didn't miss a day of doing that for 7 years straight. I have a very good job so money was never an issue . It got to the point that I needed it just to get out of bed in the morning or I would get physically nauseous and vomit from the anxiety of not smoking. I was a functioning addict and successfully kept it hidden from work and family. Anyways in October 2015 I decided to quit smoking cigarettes( I started smoking a pack of them a day when I was 17) and weed cold turkey. The first 2 weeks was hell. I was physically sick to my stomach all the time. I couldn't eat or sleep. I had no motivation and I just laid on my couch and thought about how badly I wanted to be high. ( that's why I find it laughable the claims of weed not being at all addictive. I never thought about cigarettes at all during this time I just wanted to get high)I kept with it tho and eventually started feeling back to normal and functioning. I made it 6 months without smoking and hardly ever thought about it anymore when my old dealer who was a friend from back in highschool asked me to come hang out. I missed the old group and thought I could now control myself so I went and when I got there a joint was being passed around already. I thought hey I'll just have a couple hits tonight and go right back to stopping tomorrow so I did. Well after 6 months off smoking it hit me hard. I started freaking out in my mind. Panicking . Couldn't talk to anyone. Now you think that would scare most people off but after a week I went back to his house and did it again. Same thing happened I freaked out. At this point tho I was thinking hey I can control myself now and go a week in between smoking no problem, maybe I won't freak out alone at home so I'll buy a bag to smoke every couple nights when I want to relax. I couldn't function high anymore so this plan did actually work for a few weeks...,until I started smoking every night alone at home which led to me getting my tolerance back which quickly led to me needing to smoke all day every day. It was like those 6 months clean never happened at all within 2 weeks of taking my first puff back at it. I started buying ounces again and going through them In less than a week. Everytime I would get high I would tell myself after this bag is done I'm quitting again. But soon as I would run out I would be buying another one. 5 months passed by where I smoked an ounce a week. Now I'm back on day 3 of quitting. I feel awful again. I can't eat I can't sleep but I keep telling myself I deserve this after I went back after coming so far. I know I'll get through this but it is so hard. Atleast there is some good news, I never went back to cigarettes and in a month and a half I'll be at one year. I don't think about or miss them at all. I hope I can get to that point with weed. Sorry for the long story just needed to get it off my chest.
Shalvors
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#1

Postby tokeless » Tue Aug 23, 2016 9:10 pm

Hi there... I guess and without wanting to be too blunt but it seems you 'planned' to lapse by hanging out with your old dealer and old friends.. you knew weed would be passed round before you went. The fact you carried on maybe more about wanting to avoid giving up or you decided you'll stop again at some point?
Stopping anything is about making choices relating to it.. you can smoke or choose not to. The other stuff is padding that we use to explain or rationalise what we do it reasons why we can't... you have to decide if you want to smoke weed or not. What other things do you do that you really don't want to?
Best wishes
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#2

Postby Shalvors » Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:19 pm

First off thanks a lot for taking the time to reply and offer perspective. Yeah I knew weed would be passed around and apart of me was excited at how high I would actually get after taking that much time of but I genuinely believed going into it that I would just do it the one time and not do it again because of those 6 months not smoking I felt the best I had felt in years. I loved dreaming again especially. None of that mattered tho once I smoked again. Apart of me was lonely too as all my friends are stoners so for those 6 months I basically was alone unless I was out with family( I have a large house and I live alone). I don't do anything else I don't want to do. That's why I can't graspe why I can't control this supposedly not addictive drug when I'm around it. Like I said I quit smoking cold turkey after a pack a day for 11 years and never thought twice about it and nictonine is a drug that is supposed to be physically addicted.
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#3

Postby Shalvors » Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:24 pm

Sorry I forgot to mention I don't drink ever(hate how I feel and how it tastes, never had a problem or anything and I don't do any other drugs all tho I experimented a lot when I was younger with opiates and cocaine I never had any problem). Weed is the only thing I do I don't want to do. I don't even drink coffee or pop because I don't want caffeine in my body
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#4

Postby 1973 » Wed Aug 24, 2016 1:21 am

Congrats on the 3 days...the last time I had a year w/out smoke was in 2003 ...thought I was missing out on something ..I was lonely..n wanted the good part of addiction back.... horrible anxiety 1st time i smoked n "forced" myself thru the panic 2..lol..crazy s*** we do...just wanted to say Good Luck I have no answers just keep trying n not over think it..for today I didn't text my connect..I wanted to...day 2 here...
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#5

Postby Shalvors » Wed Aug 24, 2016 2:02 am

Thanks a lot. Congrats on making it 2 days yourself. It's no easy task I know. Yeah lol its crazy to put ourselves through all that anxiety and panic . good luck to you aswell. I actually went through my entire phone and deleted every number that I could use to get some. It seams to have helped me relax a little more and keep my mind off of it.
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#6

Postby naturegirl » Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:19 pm

Shalvors, I'm curious how you are doing. I think that it's great you quit smoking cigarettes. Maybe one step at a time. I see you haven't posted in a long while. I hope you are doing well. Check in and let the world know your status. It is a hard journey. You have to create a new life and new friends. It seems like you were reaching out. Hope you are well,
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#7

Postby Shalvors » Tue Sep 19, 2017 8:35 pm

Just an update. A year later and I am still an all day every day smoker.. I often still think of quiting again but taking that first step isnt easy
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