lenvilono wrote:i believe i crave appreciation and acceptance from other people.maybe it is due to my perfectionism i am a people pleaser. i am also hyper sensitive to criticism or insults. i have observed myself that at time i unconsciously try to be nice to people so that i can get very nice responese from them or i will behave in such a way that i would be saved from criticism or insults. two examples i will give here-
1.i went to meet my cousin sister.so i wanted her to greet me very nicely, talk to me , praise me etc. but i didnt't get that response so i felt disapponted.was i expecting too much ( perfectionism) here.
2.my therapist greeted me with a very nice smile and thank you last week . but today she didnt't do such things today although i talked to her in a very nice way. i felt disappointed and started thinking is she judging me.
so guys could you please tell me what i should do to stop such behaviour and feelings
First, you crave appreciation and acceptance.... because you never received it from the 2 people who should have given it to you.
Parents should give her children the necessary love, attention, couragement and appreciation.
What happens when a child is grown up without this, it will start to earn it.
You will adapt yourself in such a way that you know that there is a change to get that appreciation. Just because you need it so badly as a child. There is a small change that you will get it from your parents by adapting yourself.
If they can't give it to you, they just cant give it to you. How much you ask and please for it..
But... in the way you adapt yourself, you are loosing your true self bit by bit.
What also happens is that you try to earn this appreciation by the things you do.
Normally you do something, and when you said it is oke, than you finish it.
But because of that underlaying problems, you start to do it as good as you can
Somewhere inside there is that feeling: Maybe if I do it as good as I can, they will be happy with me.
Developing this pattern is called perfectionism. Trying to do things as good as you can, but the problem is that you want some love and appreciation.
It's no surprise that you develop a sensitivity for criticism. Because of your perfectionism, you are asking for positive attention all the time. That is why
you have this behavior. When people have some criticism in stead, you are hurt and disappointed. This makes you react in a negative way, what can cause that you reject people in stead of build the relationship.
So from my point of view, your behavior of people pleasing, perfectionism, crave for appreciation and acceptance are not your problem. They are symptoms of the problem. You have to face the root problem that is inside.
You have to find a way to fill this inner gap with love, acceptance and encouragement.
So that you will love and accept yourself. I mean your true self. Not your adapted version of yourself.
If you love and accept yourself, you won't need it from others any longer. You won't need to please (= adapting yourself) any longer. You won't do things "perfect" but you will learn that enough is enough.
And if you start loving and accepting yourself, you will start love and accept others.
If you know who
you are, you won't be sensitive for criticism any longer because you don't take it personally any longer.
Criticism is always telling something about what you do
, but not telling something about who you are
You have to learn to make that distinction.
I truly hope that this gives you some insights about what's going on in your life.
And more do I hope that you find a way to love and accept yourself. That you will meet others who do love you as you are.