Do i have created mess (a lot of) for me in my life? Or is just my fate that is doing injustice to me and unfolding bitter realities to me one by one which i am not able to cope with?
Have i really done bad to other or i am the one who is victim here?
Why i am alone? or i was so since always and it is just now that i have started realizing it? Or
I have just created a new illusion for me. Whatever it is, i don't like it all, I actually hate it. I hate myself even more. I also hate many things and people around me.
Do i even like anything..? yes , perhaps the things that don't heart me. ... or at least not doing it to me me for now. What if they will also start doing the same in future. Even if there are things and people i like, why I always feel they alone are not enough for me. ?
Why i think what i have lost was most important? Do the ones whom have lost, think same about me? How do i know that.
Why i saw dream about them. Why my fears turns into harsh realities every time.
I think i have not been able to understand the life, or in perusing this understating, i am actually getting more and more confused and loosing my faith and loved ones one by one. The ones i felt for from the bottom of my heart. Why i was not able to make them happy? Even i wast not why they have not done anything about it?
Was they wrong or I am? Why this happens to me?
What will happen next? This is a biggest fear for me since always. Now i fear that i am loosing interest even in it.
I don't know how i have become what i am and what else i want to be?
All i know that people i loved so much, have betrayed me, they dislike me , hate me and not given me or my feelings importance including my siblings and my mother. I don't even have friends. What i will do when i will not have this job. I give up once i don't have courage to do that again. I am totally deteriorated and detracted.
Why God is not with me? Why i don't have or not able to develop a strong relationship with God or anyone else?
I wanted the total opposite of it and whatever happen with me, just thinking about it is so painful that it is sufficient to blow my mind every time i am alone or free. So id don't give myself time to sit and think. This is very painful. It add more pain and my heart bleed more when i am not able to weep.
I t fills pain in my brain and i lose my patient on little things.
Where it went wrong??? and what i can do it to make all right again? or it cant be all right again? if not why i am even alive. But if i die this way... i will have no or worse after life.
Is God is doing this or I myself is creating this mess. If I am... even then why God is not helping.