Seeking help and advice

[micro]

Do i have created mess (a lot of) for me in my life? Or is just my fate that is doing injustice to me and unfolding bitter realities to me one by one which i am not able to cope with?

Have i really done bad to other or i am the one who is victim here?

Why i am alone? or i was so since always and it is just now that i have started realizing it? Or
I have just created a new illusion for me. Whatever it is, i don't like it all, I actually hate it. I hate myself even more. I also hate many things and people around me.

Do i even like anything..? yes , perhaps the things that don't heart me. ... or at least not doing it to me me for now. What if they will also start doing the same in future. Even if there are things and people i like, why I always feel they alone are not enough for me. ?

Why i think what i have lost was most important? Do the ones whom have lost, think same about me? How do i know that.

Why i saw dream about them. Why my fears turns into harsh realities every time.

I think i have not been able to understand the life, or in perusing this understating, i am actually getting more and more confused and loosing my faith and loved ones one by one. The ones i felt for from the bottom of my heart. Why i was not able to make them happy? Even i wast not why they have not done anything about it?
Was they wrong or I am? Why this happens to me?

What will happen next? This is a biggest fear for me since always. Now i fear that i am loosing interest even in it.

I don't know how i have become what i am and what else i want to be?

All i know that people i loved so much, have betrayed me, they dislike me , hate me and not given me or my feelings importance including my siblings and my mother. I don't even have friends. What i will do when i will not have this job. I give up once i don't have courage to do that again. I am totally deteriorated and detracted.

Why God is not with me? Why i don't have or not able to develop a strong relationship with God or anyone else?

I wanted the total opposite of it and whatever happen with me, just thinking about it is so painful that it is sufficient to blow my mind every time i am alone or free. So id don't give myself time to sit and think. This is very painful. It add more pain and my heart bleed more when i am not able to weep.

I t fills pain in my brain and i lose my patient on little things.

Where it went wrong??? and what i can do it to make all right again? or it cant be all right again? if not why i am even alive. But if i die this way... i will have no or worse after life.

Is God is doing this or I myself is creating this mess. If I am... even then why God is not helping.

[WonderGurl]

Your problem is that you are asking all the wrong questions.

When you ask a question, your brain automatically starts looking for answers to satify those questions. The answers you are going to get are not going to be pretry and will only continue to support your victim views as long as you continue to ask the wrong questions.

So, instead ask yourself - Why is God with me? Why am I no longer alone? Why am I exited about what happens next? ...and so on and so forth.

[Selenara]

Our relationship with God is a lot like the relationship we have with our pets. My cat does not understand why it is that when she feels bad, I make it ten times worse by dragging her to a scary place full of barking dogs where a strange man pokes and prods her. Left to her own devices, she would definitely not make the trip voluntarily. But I am a higher being than my cat, and I know that I am inflicting temporary pain and distress on my cat out of love. And even though I purposely allow this pain and distress to befall her, my cat still trusts in me and loves me unconditionally. That is our relationship wtih God, and in fact, the Greek word proskuneo, translated as worship, literally refers to a dog licking its master's hand. We do not understand why God allows suffering to befall His beloved children, but He is all-loving, all-powerful, and all-knowing. If this is the world He created, we can only trust in Him that it is the best possible world even though we cannot see the whole picture. We are only human though, and so we question Him, grow angry and even curse Him. But there IS a reason why you are suffering like this now, even though you don't understand why just yet. It's possible you may not ever fully understand in this life, but even so, never forget that all suffering in this world has a greater purpose that our tiny human minds cannot fathom.

I don't understand your situation because your post was very vague, so my advice is shooting in the dark a bit. It sounds like you perhaps struggle with feelings of loneliness, worthlessness and depression which have cost you important relationships. I may be somewhat biased with this guess, because I actually just ended a friendship with an important friend for the very same reasons. If my guess is correct, then I can say that your loved ones probably do not hate you; it's just that your issues strained your relationships to the breaking point. You ask whether it was you or was it them...it was neither. It is the fault of a treatable mental health problem which is separate from who you are, though that does not mean you aren't culpable your actions. I don't know what happened in your case, but there is a kind of selfishness that creeps in with depression and loneliness, that makes you unable to see the needs of others. So you put your own needs first, becoming an emotional vampire to survive, and you lack the perspective to see how selfish you are toward others. That is what caused me to end my friendship with someone I cared about--he did something so outrageously selfish that it shattered all trust I had in him.

Whether or not that is the case with you, it really does not matter; now is not the time to live in the past. The past is the past and it cannot be changed, but the future is unwritten. How do you want to live your life from this day onward? Do you want the future you're heading toward on your current trajectory, or do you want a different one? Do you want it badly enough to make a change in your life? Change is incredibly scary and painful, and it is so easy to cling to the self-destructive thoughts and behaviors that got you here. You wear them like an old comfortable pair of jeans you know you should toss out but can't because you're so attached to them. I would strongly suggest seeking professional help if at all possible as well as finding a good spiritual advisor, and definitely join a support group of some sort. Believe it or not, you are not unique in your position--there are millions of people who have gone through very similar experiences as you. Their wisdom and empathy will definitely help you. I wish you the very best and will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.