Confidence drop - Unsuccessful experiences in getting girls

Postby popoguy » Fri Sep 30, 2016 6:24 pm

As a yet forever-single and virgin 20 year old, I have been struggling with the societal shame that 20 year old virgin/single is such a shame.

I am such a pure guy probably because my family is Catholic, and I am such a realistic person that I just couldn't simply believe in god that easily now (have been skipping weekend churches for months, since my failed chase-for-first-girl), since I believe I can solve the problems individually without someone to depend on. Moreover, to give you a clue about me, a lot of people described me as a fun, and nice (I know right? "Nice guys finish the last", or perhaps last equals forever?)

During the second year of my college studies, I put the best of my effort in trying/studying things about relationship (even tried to read a book about it). I simply hangout with several girls individually. During that period of time, I felt a huge boost of energy in doing so. I was really active and even got one held hands and slept with me (too dumb I didn't make any further moves as both of us were like tipsy/half-drunk)

Until one that really struck me. In beforehand, I used to dye my hair brown because I lost to a guy while getting a girl during the first semester (the guy dyed his hair too, it struck me too but I tried to move on with that eventually).

The real story starts here: Before the second semester ended, I had a huge crush on a girl I met during my friend's birthday party. I basically went all in, flirted/complemented her a lot, hangout/grab food with her several times, studied with her sometime and spent a month getting her.

Then, exam week was approaching, and I literally spent the whole week to plan prepare a piano song (some romantic Chinese movie theme) to confess my love to her.

I don't get why, like everything seemed to flow so smooth during the piano confession, but after eating with her and playing the piano song, she told me she treated me as a friend, and she also tell me to not dye my hair (she knew the story behind why I dye my hair) after this. :cry:

For around 3 months after the rejection till now, I refused to dye my hair brown again (pricy, and majorly her request), and I stopped flirting completely. The dating sh**/hope is getting less and less, and it as well correlate to my self-confidence towards girls. Some of my best friends noticed my confidence drops too. Now, I just don't approach girls as easily, and am more worried about failure. And day by day, I feel that I am too old for this sxxt.

I really don't know how to deal with this, and how to become successful again, because I just don't believe in love anymore, since it seems so out of reach, thus here comes the confidence drop. I tried to think that "They would come eventually for me as long as I don't act needy", but I find this really anti-intuitive, and how can you really get them when you don't make moves?

I am so thirsty at the same time that I am sometimes thinking of going to the red light district. (Is this even a good idea?)

Last but not least, I know you all would tell me how "Oh! It's not such a shame because virgins/singles are precious due to their inexperience!" etc, but this would not even help me to proceed. Things like "Oh! You need to move on!" won't solve this as well, because I tried, and realized that the real path to moving on is gaining actual successful experiences (I don't have any, unfortunately/what's wrong).

At the same time, I feel hopeless so please give me some useful advice about girls and confidence.;( I feel that my effort spent did not give me what I wanted exactly. Afterall, I simply couldn't live life with simplicity anymore, even if I did it would be a really short while. Or, should I dye my hair gold instead of brown to get rid of the rejection sh** and to regain my confidence? Like I don't think gold hair fits my personality.
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#1

Postby Translucent » Fri Sep 30, 2016 9:55 pm

To think that being 20 and a virgin is wrong by "society", is pretty immature imho. Focus on yourself more and what others think less. Don't be desperate, don't be clingy, don't be controlling. Be grounded, be happy, be easy going. Stop looking at other men who "get all the girls". What if you get her pregnant and she turns out to be your worst enemy? What if you get an std? Change the way you think because it's not gonna take you anywhere you want to be.

Women are not pieces of meat but human beings, who want an emotional connection.
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#2

Postby tijmenklip » Mon Oct 03, 2016 6:56 pm

I agree with translucent, don't let what society "tells" you define what is right and wrong for you. You should independently define what is, and what isn't of importance. If getting as many girls as possible is important to you - go ahead and learn to do that. But if it isn't, and waiting for the right one is, do just that. Or something in between :).

Anyway - that was just one girl. There are still so many girls out there. And if you want to woo them perfectly, there is a different and difficult approach for all of them. Why not work on yourself actively. Take good care of yourself, eat well, work out, meditate, don't over indulge in porn, make good friends and slowly grow confident. And keep that up! Than in the future when you meet girls you like - the chance that they like you is a lot bigger.

Go out there and have fun. Don't take life too serious, but try to enjoy it as much as possible!
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#3

Postby midaz » Sun Feb 05, 2017 12:15 pm

Hi sir,

First of everything, I had my first sex experience at 20 years-old and I know a lot of people like this so it is not the problem. The problem is all the pressure you put on yourself to do that kind of stuff and it is probably a vicious circle ; ohhhh I never done sh*t I need to do it, will I be good tho? What about this and that. And this stuff need to stop now. Let the things go like they are suppose to go and stop overthinking. Why? Because when you overthink you are sharing some insecurity vybe and people feel it and guess what, girls like people who can give them security.

In fact if you want sex you need to give them at least 3 things:
-they must feel understood
-must feel safe
-must feel respected

The problem you have is that you are young, and at your age girls don't know what they want for most of them. Most try to fill emptiness in relationships while they need to fill it by themselves. But you have your own emptiness to fill too.

Now dont take it personal, the girl didn't like you as a friend too much, she just lost interest in you. Why? Because if you are too serious and you look "desperate" they will run. You need to give them attention, give them love, time etc but not too much and you need to show that you have control of the situation. If you look desperate, scared , insecure it won't attract sex.

Now you are probably saying ; yes but it is me, how should I change, I don't want to change just to get girls and have other people approbation. True, don't change for a girl, change for yourself. Work on your flawes and grow self-confidence, realize that you are awesome like you are and if a girl don't like your hair well screw her. Start to act confident and start to have manly energies.

Good luck sir
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#4

Postby proudconfidentman » Wed Feb 08, 2017 7:13 pm

Getting laid isn't a big deal and it shouldn't be a big deal for you as well. Don't listen to society, there's nothing wrong with you. Your first time will be with someone amazing and when you are loving yourself it will happen sooner than you think.
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#5

Postby Alex4 » Thu Feb 09, 2017 6:28 am

iPopoguy,
sadly,our society has a double standard. Girls are supposed to remain virtuous and guys are supposed to get "experience" before marrying.

Red light district, no. I'm not Catholic, but I am old fashioned. Intimate encounters are not about getting experience or keeping up with the other guys. Its about sharing. Sex is a powerful thing. You are at your most vulnerable, sharing a part of yourself that no one else sees and I don't mean bodily parts. Its putting yourself in the position to be hurt and trusting that your partner won't hurt you and she should expect the same from you. What you do in the bedroom, so to speak, is a private, sharing experience. Sex is not love. Nor is love sex. Having sex without love is just scratching an itch and if one party is expecting love while the other is just after the physical experience, someone is going to get hurt.

I was a "virgin" until I was 26. For a guy, that can open you up to a lot of jokes. I saw a couple girls prior to that, and the attraction was there physically, but it wasn't right. I married the girl I lost my virginity to. I'm no saint, and wound up divorced, though it didn't have anything to do with sex.
Since the divorce, there have been several propositions, but it was physical attraction. If that makes me weird, big deal. You have nothing to be ashamed of just because you haven't had sex yet. There are both guys and girls for whom casual sex is what they want, and I'm in no position to judge them. As long as they are aware of what they are in for, its their choice. The real problem is when one tries to make the other believe they are getting more than just a physical experience and are then left behind.

Sometimes I do wonder if one reason marriages from generations gone by may have lasted longer was because they waited. Dating for a fair amount of time before marriage, but not having sex gives you a better chance of the other person loving you for who you are and not what is in your pants. I know this sounds pious, and I don't mean to be, its just an opinion. the point is, if waiting is what is right for you, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I've never had another guy ask me how many girls I've been with, and personally, that is my business to tell or not, but that doesn't make a guy or girl a slob for sleeping with someone they don't intend to marry. Its no one else's business and you have to live with yourself, so go with your gut, not with someone else's.

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#6

Postby slick_willy » Thu Feb 09, 2017 9:27 am

Hey popoguy. Thanks for sharing your story man, that's very brave of you.

Honestly what women want in a man is somebody who is confident enough to go after what he wants in life. All other bs aside, I have found that the best way to attract women is to focus on improving yourself, like realllly improving yourself by working out, eating right, learning new things, striking up lively and sincere conversations with strangers, being sincere and not fake, using your body language instead of your words... this is a big one, just little things like that. The reason that trying too hard to get the girl doesn't work is because women are incredibly skilled at psychology and reading nonverbal cues. So you might write a sweet song confessing your love to a girl, and honestly you are probably a great guy who would treat her well, but imagine if there was another guy who is focused on working toward what he truly wants in life, just working hard and kicking donkey and growing as a person and not caring what peoole think. I hate to say it but the girl will go for that guy about 98% of the time.

This is not a bad thing though because you are a young guy and sound like a sweet person and chicks love that. You just need to add a little edge by figuring out what you want to be and going straight for it. This includes how you talk to people and where you invest your time. If someone makes fun of you in front of a crowd, do you take it sheepishly or do you fire back with something even bigger, making him look stupid and putting him on the spot? If you can master these kinds of social situations, you will have more women chasing join than you will know what to do with 8)

Whatever happens, always be sincere and don't try too too hard. Women are great at spotting a fake and constantly playing the role of the cool guy turns people off very fast. You sound like you've got a good heart though so I think you will do very well for yourself. It's like a balancing act of putting out good energy and showing that you care but not too much. Maybe you only show you care about 10% of the time. The rest of the time just act like her friend and don't entertain any romantic feelings for her.

Alright man hope that rambling repsonse helps a bit, haha. I'm off to bed. Best of luck mate
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#7

Postby Livetowin » Thu Feb 09, 2017 4:04 pm

I know exactly how you felt to be in that rabbit hole of creating what you "think" everyone expects from you. Unfortunately you're doing what I was doing which was sticking your head in the ground looking for air when it was all around you.

First of all, your sexual experience is only relevant if you plan on being a porn star. I think we can cross that off your list of aspirations. And second, you don't need to pay a hooker to tell you nice things because if you think your head is fried right now, just imagine how ass-backwards your head will be in the hole if you start thinking about whether her comments where real or simply paid advertising. So much for you confidence doing that.

Let me tell you something about allot of women that you haven't figured out yet. They are creatures of attention. You can be a five hundred pound bag of donkey nuts, but if you flatter and give enough attention to a woman, they will seek you out. It doesn't mean they like you, "want" you, or otherwise want something other than the attention you give them. So the first thing you need to do is drop all the nuances of overindulging or otherwise overcompensating for what you think you lack because you will only invite the wrong people who will show up to take ONLY what you are giving.

In terms of the sex, you really need to step back and reconsider your value system here. What kind of girl are you looking for? Are you looking for a relationship or are you wanting a bucking bronco? Sure intimacy is a powerful and impactful tool in relationships, but it's only one piece to the bigger puzzle. You need to find someone who is compatible to the person you ARE. Your penis designation should not be part of that dinner conversation. Saying you are a virgin is like shouting, "I'M COMPLETELY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF! WANT TO COME JOIN ME IN MY AWKWARDNESS?!" Nobody wants to know (or cares) how many times you've been to the track of sexual encounters. So PLEASE, put that stud out to pasture.

But above all that, the biggest thing you need to learn is to BE YOURSELF. All of these games you play by trying to be someone you're not is strictly in your own head. People who have an identity see you're catering to them, which tells the average person, you are a void. Who wants to invest in someone who is asking others to tell them what to be? Would you date a dog because it's eager to give you paw? I imagine not. So quit performing for people and sit down and figure out who you are and be just that person. Why is this important? Because until you know who you are, you can't possibly know who you want to be with.

Relationships are not a game. They are not a series of questions you have to answer correctly. And it sure as hell isn't about the color of your damn hair or the friction burn rate on your penis. 'Opportunities' to be with a person sexually has nothing to do with compatibility. And forget about that mythical perfect race of charming someone by saying all the right things. Let me clue you in on a little secret. We all say the wrong things most of the time. The people who care about us understand what we mean to say.

Good relationships come from honesty, integrity, understanding, patience, and most importantly forgiveness. People who care about us (as we do them) know our strengths and work through our weaknesses because they WANT to be with us. We stand by people we care for during those times when they perhaps don't look so grand because we see the better person we know them to be. This is what you should strive to find and leave the thrill seekers to oblivion. Welcome to the imperfect human race.
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#8

Postby awd » Wed Mar 15, 2017 8:57 pm

Hi!

From what you wrote, just out of curiosity and because I wanted to help, I made an analysis of your personality. I have it in the form of sunburst chart visualisation. If you wish to see it and maybe get into some more details, let me know :).
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#9

Postby AlphaPrime » Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:28 pm

Popoguy, you think it'd be easy? One failed attempt to get a girl, and you give up? Get back up, this is no time to feel sorry for yourself. You have to build on your character, study what makes a man really attractive to women.

Don't expect to become world class with women after just one attempt. You've been raised religiously and therefore your point of view of how girls think/act is, unfortunately very wrong. Look at how girls behave, instead of "how they should".

This can definitely be learnt. Thousands upon thousands of people have done it before you. You can too.
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