Its because I have to live with it for the rest of my life. There are some boundaries that I feel should not be crossed, its what makes me who I am. It's the reason I can face people, get on with my life and do what I do, because it is who I am. Now that I have done this, memories are painful, I changed my life and cannot face getting on with life knowing that I did this. I crossed my own boundaries and cannot forgive myself because I will always know I did this. There are only 2 types of people, male and female, and I believe there are somethings you just don't do...but know I have done it. It is this I want to forget, I want to forget I did it and everything that I did with the person.
Thanks for this. This makes it much easier to understand where you're coming from.
The short answer is "yes". You can have what you want. There is a longer answer too, with some good news and some bad.
I am going to a counselor next week, but I would like to know whether I am able to forget the memory? Even though I know I did this, I can learn to forgive and forget about it, but the memory is the hardest because it is there. If the memory was not there and I still know I did stuff, I think it will be easier for me to forget and forgive because I cannot remember what I actually did, just know that I did it...I hope this makes sense
Are you saying that the bigger problem for you is being able to remember and relive the experience itself, not the knowledge that you did it?
Say for example you went to the grocery store to buy some food, grabbed an orange, and ate it on the way home.
In the minimal sense, you could remember everything about what you did but not remember what it was *like*. You could remember that you ate an orange, but not what it tasted like, not what it felt like on your tongue, and not whether you enjoyed it. If you don't remember that, do you need to forget that you bought and ate an orange? Would you need an alternate memory of never even going to the grocery store?
Is that what you're getting at? That it's really about the memory of the lived experience itself, not about knowing the cold facts of the matter?