I want to stop being angry

Postby RR8205 » Sat Nov 19, 2016 9:00 am

I can't believe that my life has come to this, but l figure l have nothing left to lose and really want to make a change in my life.

I'm here telling you my story because l was physically, verbally and mentally abused by my parents through most of my childhood years. If that wasn't enough l was also sexually abused at the age of 8 by an uncle and l never told anyone about until a few years ago, for fear that my parents would blame me due to their already violent behaviour towards me for no good reason.

I said before that this had come out a few years ago, just about the time l met the love of my life Gray. It wasn't an ideal time, but l honestly thought l could handle it and he was a good support. However, our relationship quickly became like a patient carer relationship with me suffering from depression with the outcome of my past and a court case that did not go in my favour.

I do not speak to any of my family for various reasons, not because of any of the abuse l suffered at their hands (growing up l thought this was normal), but because l realised that no matter how much l tried to care and be there for them it would never be enough, and they would always hurt me as long as they got what they wanted.

So because l felt l was never being heard by my parents or family, l would lash out on Gray, because he was closest to me and understood my pain. However, instead of taking on board his support and cherishing him, l acted like my parents and verbally, mentally and emotionally abused him; until last week l destroyed him and our relationship by letting my anger get the better of me and physically lashing out at him.

Three years of emotional abuse have pushed him to the point of a nervous breakdown. I have destroyed the man he once was and broken his trust. I am a monster and l never deserved him.

My behaviour is a catalogue of typical undealt with issues that have lead me to losing someone l loved but did not cherish. The biggest regret of my life to lose someone who loved me for me and accepted me with all my emotional baggage and only wanted me to be at peace with myself.

I know that it's too late for me and Gray, but l don't want my loss to have been for nothing. I want to be able to control my anger and learn to love and cherish someone and never take them for granted. I want to be free; can anyone help me?
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#1

Postby Leo Volont » Sat Nov 19, 2016 10:09 am

Dear RR

You are very well spoken. Your post reads a bit like a Professional Piece… it actually has Design and Symmetry. So your problem is NOT that you write badly.

But, getting down to the Business of Anger Management, yes, of course we can help you here. All we require is that the People who Want Help feel motivated enough to act on their own behalf, and apply a degree of Will Power and Self Discipline. Well, you certainly have the Motivation. Yes, it was tragic, your break up. I’ve had such break ups myself. Yes, there is Love, but what they say about how Certain Bells cannot be Un-Rung, Words cannot be taken back, and some Memories are just so Powerful that they can Poison a Well Forever. You just know that it is Over and could never Work again.

Oh, this also applies in some ways with Work Place Anger. Anybody who has Made Scenes at Work, well, I think it would take Decades to ever live that down. Forever After the Office Gossip would characterize you as a Potential Hothead… “Oh, he seems okay most of the time, but just wait until you ever get on the wrong side of him…” and this could be YEARS after your last ‘blow up’. Sometimes having a History of Anger might call for Totally Relocating… Starting Fresh somewhere else.

But you Need to Square yourself away first. It may take years of Study and Practice and Focus before you can Rely on Yourself to be Under Steady and Reliable Control. So you might as well stay where you are and let people think what they want to think for the time being. But remember, when you finally DO get to that level of Control you want, then you really should Relocate, because the People who Know you Now will never forget – they have already made up their minds about you and there is no changing that. The Last Problem you will have to solve is Them, and the easiest way is by Waving Goodbye.

The Most Successful therapeutic techniques for Anger Management have been various forms of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This is where the emphasis is on applying Awareness to one’s own thinking, and disputing what is dysfunctional. Of course, that begs the question as to what IS or Is Not Dysfunctional. People tend to accept what they Think because That is what they Think and have always thought. So, my advice is to Do a Great Deal of Reading in Anger Management. You want books with Case Studies and Anecdotes and Stories, and Explanations and theories, new Metaphors and Associations – you Want Anger Management at Every Angle and in Thousands of different Details. You want your Mind to be Rich in the Wealth of Anger Management Resources. In That Way you will Know a Dysfunctional Thought when it creeps up on you.

Also, there are Behavioural Habits that tend to Anger, and you will learn how to identify and avoid these also.

A few of my favourite books are “Anger Management” by Peter Favaro. It is a very well organized book. Then there are books by Ron Efron-Potter… I forget which one I like the best… he keeps writing more books, but he does focus on Anger and is one of the best Anger Authors out there. Read the Reviews and pick one. Get these or other books that you prefer and Get Your Head into Anger Management. Reading Every Day will keep you aware and on your guard.

Also, watch your Adrenaline. I am about to write an Essay for this Forum about The Earliest Possible Way of Spotting an Immanent Adrenaline Rish, and so forgive me for putting you off. But come by tomorrow and the Essay should be there.

Is this enough to constitute a good start? Let me know what you think.
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#2

Postby RR8205 » Sat Nov 19, 2016 10:30 am

Thank you Leo, l was not expecting such a quick response. I am confused as l never mentioned my writing was bad, and l feel that although l am unable to articulate verbally (hence my anger issues), l have always been able to articulate my thoughts quite well when writing, as it gives me the time to think about what l really want to say.

There is no issue with anyone outside of my personal relationship, as l only 'bear my soul' so to speak to them and any friends, family or work colleagues l have are completely unaware of my issues. The person l am with them is the person l want to be with my personal relationships.

I will take on-board the advice you have given with regards to reading up on anger management, l am constantly being told to read by counsellors and partners, maybe it's time to listen and give them a shot; and l'll be sure to read your essay.

Many thanks for your advice it is much appreciated.
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#3

Postby Leo Volont » Sat Nov 19, 2016 10:47 am

Dear RR,

Oh, I am so sorry that I confused you... when I complemented your writing and said that It was not Bad... that it was One Thing you Didn't have to Worry About, well, I guess I was Off Topic, but I only meant to flatter you for your obvious Talent in writing. But I suppose such Light Heartedness is not quite Where Your Head is at right now. I apologize.

But, yes, it is Good that other people have also suggested that you do some reading. That means that Other people besides myself think that there is Hope for you. Notice that nobody ever tells Complete Idiots or Total Lost Causes that they should read books... people simply avoid them as Hopeless. but for you there is hope.

Remember to 'report back' regularly and tell us how you are doing. That helps both You and Us. it would be nice for us to know how to gage the 'Help' we give people... whether it is working... how long it takes... There is plenty enough Learning here for all of us.
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#4

Postby AlexD » Thu Nov 24, 2016 6:05 am

Dear RR, you have dealt with so much! Have you ever sought professional help? I am asking because I realize it is too hard to deal with all this just on your own. You have gone through too many disasters in your life alone. Why not some professional help? After all, there are many therapists with helpful client reviews online that you can interview and find a professional you trust and are willing to go to for some time until the issues get resolved one by one.
I am sorry for your relationship. That seems like a good indication that it is time for some expert help. Your anger is not to be taken lightly, as what you are describing from the life you had while growing up, anger is really not a surprise at all. Unfortunately, it is now hurting you and not the people that it was pointed to in the first place. It is hurting your relationships with those you truly love. Please know that I absolutely don't mean that you are unable to resolve your issues, not at all, it is just that help from a person who has ample experience with clients with anger can be really useful and save you a lot of time and frustration, by providing you with practical advice they know to have worked. There is no shame in asking a professional for help. And it is worth the money, really! You have already taken the most important step: recognizing the problem. And it is not easy to do this, it is a brave thing to do. I just wish you would consider a professional so the time to resolve most of the issues gets shorter simply by them being able to pinpoint the goals and get to work with you. If you are sick of the anger, you are ready to learn to control it. But it is that learning curve that can be alleviated by a pro. Do some research and interview at least four people. You need to be comfortable with the one you choose, so that the period of recovery is hopefully not as long as the period of suffering you've already experienced. Stay strong, RR, you can do it! And only you can!
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#5

Postby Leo Volont » Thu Nov 24, 2016 8:20 pm

Dear Alex,

Professional Help has its uses. The Economy, that is the Corporations, and also the Courts, use Anger Management 'Professional Help' more as a way of Evaluating a person's propensity to be Dangerous, that is, I believe that what seems most important to the Powers that Be is using the Mental Health Community in a Risk Assessment role, but that therapy was also put into play, perhaps as a second thought, or because the Mental Health insisted upon it as a source of necessary revenue, or they would not be able to 'exist' to perform the more important role of Risk Assessment. But usually the Therapy that is provided is limited to a relatively few sessions, perhaps only 10 sessions that would cover just a few months. this would be enough to cover for any temporary crisis, but the lasting effects of Therapy can be variable. Of course, Therapy can be a Life Changing Eye Opener, for people who had never thought about stuff like that before -- just basic True Statements coming from a Therapist to clients who never had much exposure to Education or the society of educated people who have educated insights into Life, well, just the simplest common sense insights from a Therapist may open up what had in effect been Secret Truths -- Epiphanies! Wisdom at Last! and of course exposure to these insights may have some lasting effect. But Anger Management is perhaps One Part Knowledge, but Ten Parts Practice Practice Practice. Nobody is cool and calm just because they know they ought to be. Yes, knowing they should be calm and rational and socially civil is an Important Realization, and I spend much of my time trying to convince Angry People of that, who think it somehow 'Healthy' to be impulsive, emotional and demonstrative (people who love 'Drama' can always find ways of justifying it). But even people who want to be Good and Sociable and Civilized, find the going very difficult. it cuts against all former Habits of Behavior and Thought.

that is why I recommend immersion into the Anger management Literature. therapy is only short term, and it is very expensive, and people are afraid to take off of work for it ("Hey, Boss, I need to take the Afternoon off to go to a Psychologist became I'm crazy"). But Anger Management Books are inexpensive, and their numbers keep growing. As soon as you read them All, there are more to read.

so, yes, Therapy has its place, but it can't do the job alone. Indeed, when I myself went to Therapy, when the Doctor found I was college educated, the first thing he did was load me up with books, and when he saw that the books were working for me, well we had a lot of time to talk about sports... So it is that I make every effort to get these angry people here to pick up the Books. yes, uneducated people resist any kind of a useful book.... they hated School and what survives from that hatred is a transferred hatred of Books. But anger management books could be their Salvation if we could only get them to start reading.
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#6

Postby AlexD » Fri Nov 25, 2016 5:04 am

Everyone has a different way to learn and change. Literature is great. If you are willing to read. Some people learn better with a person who guides them. I am a health care professional in addition to being a self-confidence coach and know overall what the health care system can do with people. Yet I also know that no two doctors are that same and if you look hard enough, you will find a great professional who can help. Now if you have an emergency, you are at the mercy of destiny indeed, but for elective things (as is the case here), you can shop around and find a good specialist to help you. I am sure it can be very expensive. But how badly do you want to overcome your issue? Literature is very good but in some cases it is not enough. Of course I don't know RR well. She may do just awesome with reading enough relevant books.
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#7

Postby Leo Volont » Fri Nov 25, 2016 9:38 am

Hi Alex,

Oh, you are a Professional. That is Great!... especially for our Forum. It is good to have you.

And since you are a professional, maybe you are up on the Data and the Studies as to the Long Term Effectiveness of the current Anger Management Therapies (I suppose most Therapists are using some version or variant of Cognitive Behavior Therapies). I had read that the Cognitive Behavior Therapies had Proved Themselves In years (or decades) ago by showing a significantly better non-recidivism rate, if that is right term for it, than the Therapies that were then in use. But what is your experience and knowledge of the Lasting Effects of Anger Management Therapy nowadays? Oh... sorry to put you to work...
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#8

Postby osenych » Fri Nov 25, 2016 9:53 am

Hi RR,

You have already received a lot of great advice here, but I wanted to jump in as well and to offer a little bit of support and encouragement to you in this situation.

What concerns me the most in your message are the following words " I am a monster and l never deserved him."

Let me tell you a little story to illustrate why these words caught my attention.

I would like you to imagine a precious little girl who was born into this world with a lot of wonderful gifts and talents, and a lovable personality, just like all of us were. And then at some point this little girl's life turned into a nightmare - her parents were abusing her in all kinds of ways, she was sexually abused as well. And because she was so little and innocent and had no idea how to deal with the aftermath of all this abuse, she never completely recovered from it, and its emotional effects spilled into different areas of her life.

If someone told you the story of this little girl, would you call her a monster? Or would you treat her with love and compassion and tell her that she deserves all the best things in life?

Please realize that inside you are just a precious little girl that I am describing here. And you deserve the most amazing things, as well as love and compassion.

So please-please-please whenever you start hearing negative self-talk in your head, just be conscious and aware of it. And remind yourself in those moments that you are a precious human being that has been lost and just needs some time and space to get back on track. With appropriate help, support and resources.

Hope this helps to re-frame your perspective on things a little bit. Please let me know if you ever need to talk.

Best,
Olga
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#9

Postby AlexD » Sat Nov 26, 2016 2:04 am

@ Leo Volont

Hi Leo :) I am a medical professional and not a psych professional. My specialty is care in the home setting. But I was simply drawing a parallel to what you said in your first reply to me. What I was getting at was that you can have very inefficient therapies on both sides of the isle ( medical and mental). But if you find a knowledgeable and ethical person to help you, in the case of this conversation here, anger management therapist, that can be very helpful. It may take some research and interviewing. I know people who did go to anger management classes and those were very helpful to them. Others like to read. Or of course can be in a group or one to one setting. But I don't want RR to be hopeless and thinking there are very few options out there when in fact there are plenty of options, so she has choices, and that is very important.
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#10

Postby Leo Volont » Sun Nov 27, 2016 9:42 am

Dear Alex,

Well, as 'Any Kind' of Medical Professional, I would hold the greatest respect for your Intellects, particularly in regards to being able to Remember Neat Medical Stuff. As I said in one of my Posts... I had read about the Effectiveness Rate of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapies... but my memory falls short of quoting the details (my Memory is a kind of Holistic Big Picture kind of Memory -- I Remember the Patterns but the Devil for me is still in the Details).

So I was thinking that if you Ever Knew It, you would be able to Remember and tell me. But apparently you are a bit too busy to pour over all of the Medical and Psychological Journals. Hmmmmm, maybe I should subscribe to something like that, now that I think about it...
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#11

Postby AlexD » Mon Nov 28, 2016 8:14 pm

You are right :). I take care of people. I have read quite a few journals until I discovered from experience that many of the PHDs out there have not touched a patient in a very long time. I am a nurse and I also have three businesses of my own, one of which is a self-confidence coaching. I also have doctoral degree in a very different profession. I love to read just as you do. But I have found for myself that personal contact is also useful and very helpful. That's why you shop around and don't give up until you find the one with the right experience. When you get to talk with someone who lives by personal example. I used to have severe anger management issues. Thanks to reading AND deliberately meeting with people who had successfully managed their anger issues, I am a much happier person today and in a very successful relationship. I did lose a partner in my past due to my anger. So I can relate to RR very much.
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