How to be his gf and not his mother

Postby Annamama1234 » Mon Nov 28, 2016 10:11 am

So, i am on a path of staying single till i can narrow down my problems in relationships. I know i have personal identity issues, and i am working on those but i need to figure out how to STOP MOTHERING THE MEN IN MY LIFE! All of my past relationships have been this way! I thought at first its them that is the problem...but not every guy can be the problem so i must be the root of how it all starts. Mothering, is not how the relationship starts out though... Its all nice and sweet at first, you know honeymoon period type start. Then once im nice and comfortable, i start catering to him in every need. I cook, clean, work, wash dry and fold and put out an outfit for the next day. I take him places he wants to go and also ask him to check in ever so often if he is out with friends. I even start talking to him like i talk to my children! In a very calm and passive manner. In the end i find myself serving breakfast on a daily basis to a 31 year old man IN BED! While i rush the kids to school and i go to work, then come home 6hrs later to him taking a nap, because doing nothing is so exhausting. I take the breakfast plate from the tv bes tray and wash it and then serve him lunch in bed again while he watches yet another episode of the Kardashians (smh) while i clean up and prep for dinner. When done i drive him to the gym where we workout (not together mind you) for an hour and a half. Then its time to pick up the kids...he is thought of as super man in thier eyes because he is fun and throws them around and plays with them. While im mean mommy who sets boundaries and says no more than anything (Sigh)
He doesnt work but pretends to look for work...who am i kidding, why the hell would he want to work when he has it made doing nothing and being served hand and foot!? In the end he started using drugs with friends of his and i had to cut him loose. Soooo i dont know how to not "mother" and let a man take care of me or atleast be equal partners. Healthy relationship has never been something i have...now that i think of it...i am like this with my friendships as well! Omg please help me!!!
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#1

Postby Roady » Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:39 am

As long as you feel responsible for him, why should he takes his own responsibilities?

The solution is simple: stop taking the responsibility for him.
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#2

Postby Annamama1234 » Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:47 am

I know that sounds like the practical thing to do but before i even realize it, im knee deep in mothering. I dont even realize it till its become an expectation of me and i feel i have no right to be mad at him because i set the standard. Stuck in an almost impossible situation considering my track record of my never ending need to be a people pleaser. So i guess my biggest problem is that i dont even know how or why it turns that way for me.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 28, 2016 1:17 pm

Annamama1234 wrote: So i guess my biggest problem is that i dont even know how or why it turns that way for me.


It is most likely some form of underlying insecurity you have. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean some massive issue, rather it could be a slight level of insecurity so you revert to what you know, you revert to a path which provides you immediate comfort in lieu of confronting a fear.

Think about it as driving to work each day. You are comfortable with the route. You know how to handle all the ins and outs of getting out of the neighborhood. You want to take a different route, but when actually faced with the decision to turn left or right, you face a level of insecurity. What if you get lost? What if it takes longer? What if there are no gas stations or I get a flat or that route requires I have a higher skill level as a driver because it includes tollways and high speed traffic? Nope...I think I will stick to what I know.

The same can be said for your relationships. You fear you don't have the skill set, it is hard to get out of the comfort zone. It sounds like you have a fear of disappointing others or fear of not being liked or something related. This fear keeps you repeating the same behaviors.

What I would do is take some time to work on whatever insecurity by putting yourself first and not being so accommodating to others. This doesn't require anything more than to create a few rules for yourself. Start small. Book yourself a you day once a week where you dont take calls or texts. If one day is too much, block out half a day. Build from there.
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