I am still seeking my mother's approval

Postby Petakash » Mon Dec 12, 2016 4:54 am

Even though I am an adult, I keep on looking to my mother for her approval. I have done so many things in my past trying to win her approval and I have not been able to do so. My mother plays favouritism with my brother and he always get her approval. This have been happening since I was a child. My brother could never do any wrong and if he did she just laugh and say to him, behave. Never once did she draw him up for his behavior. I have done the most unscrupulous things that I have ever done, just to seek the approval I wasn't getting at home. Yea, I have done things that I never knew I would ever done in this my lifetime.

I do suffer from low self esteem. I never knew, that I did. My mother kept on comparing me to others in our community, and in everything. If someone got their drivers license before me, I was always asked, what happened to you, when you going to get it. Mind you, I had taken the exam twice, and failed it, but I was in school and didn't bother with it until recently. The latest battle I am having with her is one for my masters. I want better for my life, but she thinks that going to the university here is ok. I know that, but right now, I know I want something different.

How do I shut her out, how do I shut out her negativity. How do I move from her to being who I am suppose to be.
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#1

Postby Roady » Mon Dec 12, 2016 6:56 am

Petakash wrote:Even though I am an adult, I keep on looking to my mother for her approval. I have done so many things in my past trying to win her approval and I have not been able to do so.

Hi
As you write here, you are not able to get from your mother what you (think you) need.
There must be a reason your mother behave herself like she do, although it's not really healthy for you.
Nor for your brother. And nor for herself.

You have the age that you want to go your own path. Great choice!
But how is it possible to let your mother go, and free yourself from your hunger to her approval?

Well, that will be a process.
There is an emotional bond between you and your mother and you are the one who have to disconnect.
Step by step, bit by bit. You have to work on your low self-esteem and in that process you will discover what your healthy boundaries are. By setting them between you and your mother, you will create the necessary space you need.
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#2

Postby Petakash » Mon Dec 12, 2016 3:44 pm

Hi Roady,
Thank you for the response. I have been thinking a lot about what you said. How is it that I can stop hearing her voice in my head
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#3

Postby Roady » Mon Dec 12, 2016 6:29 pm

You hear her voice a lot in your head, because you just don't have any boundaries to her.
If you make the decision to tell your mother what you need, the voice in your head will disappear.
It's only there because you don't dare to say a thing to your mother.
Everything you don't speak out, stays in your head.
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#4

Postby Petakash » Mon Dec 12, 2016 7:28 pm

I do tell her what I need, and its her thing to tell me what I do need from what I don't need based on her own perceptions. I do care about what she says which is causing detriment to me and my own standards. In her head she is always right and never wrong and then she thinks of the most outlandish thoughts and she voices them. So those are the things that get stuck in my head. While I am trying not to buy into them, I am often hearing those words being repeated in my head.
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#5

Postby laureat » Tue Dec 13, 2016 12:30 am

It ia because you know its time for you to move forwards and you are insecure about it
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#6

Postby Petakash » Tue Dec 13, 2016 1:23 am

Laureat, I do agree that it is time for me to move forward yes, but when I do tend to take a move forward or a step, I was always told, don't do this or don't do that. If I were you this is what I would do or If I were you I wouldn't do this or that. I would do this or that. So all my decision making process is skewed to what she thought. So when the time came for the decision to be made, it was like I was moving in her direction and not in mine. When I was trying to stand on my own, like I said, she would think the weirdest of thoughts...such as you are not concern for your safety, or they are doing this out there and you need to be careful. Don't you hear what happened there why are you going there...so right now, I am moving into my direction. Scared as it maybe, but right now, I am apprehensive but excited
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#7

Postby laureat » Tue Dec 13, 2016 2:38 am

she didnt know any better
simply start to make easy steps forwards to your direction
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#8

Postby Petakash » Tue Dec 13, 2016 2:55 am

laureat wrote:she didnt know any better
simply start to make easy steps forwards to your direction


I have started and now, its a fight every time. She wants me to still do what she wants but I am making the step slowly and surely. I have had a very good boyfriend who had to jump start my life...but right now, I am figuring out who I am...
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#9

Postby laureat » Tue Dec 13, 2016 7:51 am

you let her know that you are now an adult and you need to move gradualy towards independence , You cannot wait until its too late to do that,

18-24 that is the best time you have lots of energy to do too much
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#10

Postby Petakash » Tue Dec 13, 2016 11:01 am

I only wished I did that at that age Laureat. I am now 35 and want my own independence. When I was 18-24 I was not financially stable, and I started university in my late 20s. I have done everything, but this one right now is the only obstacle and while I have make the necessary steps to moving on, this is the one issue that she is fighting me on where she wants to dictate my life
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#11

Postby laureat » Tue Dec 13, 2016 12:35 pm

Yeah, I am 32 and i would say i dont have energy to do too much but that doesnt mean i cannot do a little, just a little,
You make little steps every day and soon you have what you looking for
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#12

Postby Petakash » Tue Dec 13, 2016 12:39 pm

I agree, its like chipping away at the boulder. Every day you work on a apart of what you can do
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#13

Postby AlexD » Wed Dec 14, 2016 7:30 pm

The sooner you establish your limits with your mother, the better for you. For some people, it takes longer time, but you are now 35 and realizing this is suffocating for you. NO fights are necessary. Do not expect her to all of a sudden understand your wishes since she has always found ways to not be happy with you. Time is your most valuable asset as it is the only thing you will never get back. Therefore, stop wasting time trying to convince Mom that you have the right to be independent. If she hasn't realized this by now, convincing her further is counterproductive. Just go ahead and BECOME independent. Set limits. Plan financially to move out, meet people who are likeminded and create some life goals that you want to achieve, independently from your mother. Create a healthy distance between yourself and her. You are the one who determines what healthy means to you. You may choose to call her once a week, or once every two weeks. You also have the right to choose not to answer the phone when she calls if you know she is going to try to diminish your dreams again and again. A family can be a great support, but oftentimes family relationships have dragged people down instead of helping them live to their full potential. If you are recognizing that she is not helping you (and I am not saying she doesn't mean well), it is your responsibility to determine what is good for you and act on it. Do not expect her to agree. And, most importantly, do not use her disapproval as an excuse not to move on with your own life. Best of luck to you, Petakash.
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#14

Postby TheCloud » Thu Dec 15, 2016 1:05 am

I am only guessing here, but to me it sounds as if you need someone who will listen to you talk about how you feel and the things that are important to you. If you express these things, it will become more clear what you can do next.

If you need this, then I and many others here would like to listen to you. Tell us about the feelings and the hopes that your mother has not helped you with.
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