I am still seeking my mother's approval

#15

Postby Petakash » Thu Dec 15, 2016 12:36 pm

Thanks Alex and Cloud. Alex, for the first time in my life, I am taking on ways and measures of wanting a different path than the one I am acostomed to. I am looking at ways and means of creating space between us, and setting boundaries. My mother is of the notion that she is always right and can never be wrong. She is often comparing me to family members who have been non productive. Her saying is this, mind you suffer the same fate as your uncle. My uncle has never been one who gave to the family. He has no degrees or anything, and he has no job. I have been one who gave to my family, who have completed university, and I have been working in the same entry level position, there is for the past 6 years. I have always told my mother not to compare myself and my uncle but judge me based on my merit. She still does and still compare me to others in her sphere. I have accomplished a lot, and the only time I heard I am proud of you was when I was in a state of having a panic attack and I was trying to figure why I was not healing from a past relationship, while studying. My mother is quick to heap praises on my brother, than with me. Sometimes that hurt. But I need to stop caring about what she is saying and start listening to my own voice.
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#16

Postby AlexD » Thu Dec 15, 2016 7:07 pm

Yes, and you can do it if you have the determination. Find people who appreciate you for who you are. I am sure you have accomplished a great deal already and I bet you also want to accomplish even more, but it is so important to get yourself surrounded with likeminded people. People who share your endeavors, and who want to accomplish a lot in their lives, too. Good for you for deciding to be yourself and build your life independently!
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#17

Postby Petakash » Fri Dec 16, 2016 6:26 pm

Thank you Alex. Though the first step is the roughest. its a journey that I have to take on my own. Last night she said some hurtful things, and I was saying to myself, her life is not my life, her thoughts is not my thoughts. I want this, now I am getting it. I don't care for what she says anymore, because all her life, she has done things to keep me down, comparing me with others, my uncle, making me doubt my abilities, thinking I was wrong when I was right. I learnt self doubt from her, I learnt that if I made a move without her acknowledging it, it was a bad move. I learnt not to trust my guts and my instincts from her. I made me doubt myself because of what I learnt growing up. I accept full responsibility on my part, and I have forgiven her, but I will never let her talk to me again about it.
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#18

Postby AlexD » Mon Dec 19, 2016 3:18 pm

You are doing great, Petakash! Once you take the first step, there is no reason not to be able to do the second step, third step, and however many steps you want to take. What you are telling yourself are positive affirmations towards your ability to build the life you want. This is exactly how successful people do it. Once you are out of the confinement of self-doubt, you will never look back. It is good to think critically and demand of yourself, but when it turns into constant self-doubt, then it paralyzes you. You are getting out of this right now. And I am sure that you will still love your mother for who she is, but you will not feel guilty for choosing your own way. I know many parents who will never acknowledge that their children have the right to determine their lives. It is very hard for the child when he or she grows up. My uncle was one of those grown up children who never had a life of his own. It is almost impossible for dominant parents to understand that their child will still respect them even if they don't agree with them. Great job with your action steps and affirmations! Don't give up, Petakash!
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#19

Postby Petakash » Tue Dec 20, 2016 3:31 am

Hey Alex
Today she did the same thing again, and for the first time in my life, I did not cry, I did not flinch. I got upset at her saying that she only made the promise of me going to the local university. She said she would have been happy about it, but when I asked her what about my happiness, she could not answer that. However, she said to me, she doesn't care if I go to the university overseas. She said that was my decision and she could not care less about it. I saw that as a sign that she did not care about me in the first place. She clearly do not care about my dreams. Oh well, she made her decisions. How I reacted, I got calmed and kept on talking to her. I got out the house, and I felt nothing absolutely nothing for her.
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#20

Postby AlexD » Tue Dec 20, 2016 6:21 am

Standing your ground is not only important with parents and close friends, but also at work, in a business, or if you are sick and at the mercy of doctors in a hospital. You are your own best advocate. Being treated like this by a parent is very hurtful, and this is why it is even more of an achievement to advocate for yourself the way you did today. Just accept she may never admit she was harsh to you, and continue moving on with your life goals like you are doing. I know of a father who had two daughters. One was the favorite and he gave her everything she wanted, so she never learned to fend for herself or support herself financially. The father, mind you, was a very successful businessman. The other daughter was not the favorite and somehow she could never do right, according to her dad. This made her quite ambitious and she ended up starting and succeeding in several businesses of her own, after she moved far away from him and her sister. Up to the moment he passed away, he never recognized her for who she was, and she continued to be very successful and independent in spite of that. Her sister also passed away from some bad disease, so she adopted the child of the sister and taught him business while he was growing up. I hope this helps you realize that you are not alone in your struggles. Just don't give up and you will do awesome, Petakash.
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#21

Postby Petakash » Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:53 am

Thanks Alex for your confidence in me. I have stood my ground with her and so far, she doesn't like it. As far as I am concerned she no longer is my mother but someone who gave birth to me.
When I started this journey, I did not know that this is what I would feel. I have tried to get away, but something keeps holding me back. My mother would rather my dreams be ruined just for money.
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#22

Postby AlexD » Tue Dec 20, 2016 6:11 pm

I am sorry you are feeling this way, Petakash, I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Look, you can still be the better person by showing respect while you are standing your ground. You have not insulted her like she has insulted you, so you are at a different level already. You've shown so much more care and respect already. And that's the best you can do sometimes, if the parent will not respond and is not willing to understand. Having a favorite child is not right. If you have two, three, four children, they should all be equally precious to you. No child is better than the other. If one becomes a criminal by choice, then that is a completely different situation, but from what you say, you are a hard worker, so you deserve respect.
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#23

Postby Petakash » Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:53 pm

So true Alex so true, and yes I am a hard worker and I am looking at things in a different way. I frankly don't care any more. Whatever love I had for her, died a painful and horrible death.
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#24

Postby SuzieO » Wed Dec 21, 2016 10:22 am

Hi I agree with the what they other have already wrote but just wanted to add - its a journey to let go of needing our mothers approval, and the more you focus on your own needs and trusting your own decisions the easier it gets. The older we get the easier it gets to let go (we just don't have as much energy :) ) I am 46 and still looking for ways to stand strong in who I am while not hurting my mother. Although I generally feel like I have established my own boundaries there are times when something new crops up and I have to re-assess my boundaries and modified or create new ones.
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#25

Postby Petakash » Wed Dec 21, 2016 2:37 pm

Hi SuzieO, Thank you for your support. It is indeed a journey and I know that right now, after I took the first step, I realized how easy it became to really and truly to stand on my own. I have learnt to extrapolate and think fast on my feet. However, when I really do need her help with little add-ons its a problem. I got into a masters programme, and right now, I need money for my ticket. Even though I had asked her, as time is of the essence for me to leave for my programme, my mother said no. Which is in its case an expected answer. I am now looking at ways and means of raising my ticket fare, which is $800 and even though she said no to it, I know I will get it before the weekend.
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