My heart is breaking..

Postby Pbj1989 » Fri Dec 16, 2016 10:04 am

I am a mother of two beautiful kids. A girl and a boy. I had my daughter when I was young, 18 and a senior in high school, with a boy I now despise. Everything involving my daughter, seems to sadden me. However, it wasn't something I even noticed till after my son was born.

My daughter is now 8, almost 9, and for the past 3 years I have noticed overwhelmingly how much we lack that "mother-daughter bond". Because I was 18 when I had my daughter my parents decided I was just too young and immature to take care of a baby, so they all but snatched her out of my arms the day she was born. I had to fight every day for the first two years of her life to be able to take care of my daughter, to be able to even say how I wanted her to be raised. My parents even had her sleeping in their room after she turned about 3 months old.
Every time I went to take control of the situation, they made me feel that all I was doing was hurting my daughter, and being new to parenting, just those words scared and hurt me.

After my daughter turned 2, I was in a stable situation to get my own apartment and provide for her without the help of my parents. At that point it was like hell had broken loose. My parents resented me for taking their "grandchild" away. (I put that in quotations because at that point they were considering her their daughter, and not mine. They even tried getting her to call me sissy, rather than mommy)

I was beyond hurt. Betrayed, it felt like, by my own parents. And on top of all their shenanigans, I was dealing with my daughter's biological father. He tormented me. He tried using my daughter as leverage and a weapon against me. I had no where to turn, so I turned inward. I became cruel to my parents and to her father. I hated them all at that point.

I believe some small part of me began resenting my daughter, as much as it kills me to admit. I love her and I want the absolute best for her, but I constantly feel... distant towards her.

When me and my now husband had our son, my daughter was 6. We were stable, had just bought our first home, and it felt as though we were happy and perfect. However, that's when I began noticing the difference between the relationship I had with my daughter and the relationship I was developing with my son.

The moment my son was born we were attached, I was the primary caregiver to him for the first 5 months. I breastfed him, so my husband really only stole him away for a small amount of time each day. I never complained, I cherished it. I adored him. When he was 5 months, I went back to work. It killed me leaving my son, and I made a mental note how I never felt that way about my daughter. I was use to having to give her up, and that fact broke my heart.

I feel like a horrible mother. I see it in her eyes that she knows we lack some fundamental connection. She craves it as much as I do. But I have no idea on how to build that. I have always over compensated for our lack of bond. Tried giving her extra attention, do extra special things for her on birthdays and holidays. Tried to always be opposite of my parents. I've been overly involved in school, and tried to show her how much I care about her and her future... I just.. am lost.

Needing advice.
Pbj1989
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#1

Postby Roady » Sat Dec 17, 2016 10:09 am

Dear Mother,

First I want to say how much I appreciate the fact that you see what is going on between you and your daughter.
The pain you feel is the drive to write your post here, making you vulnerable. Wow. I think that's amazing.

You are lost? Definitely not. You would be lost if the whole thing shouldn't matter you at all.
But it does. You do care about your daughter, but... you can't. Your heart is longing so much for that very special connection, but somewhere it's blocked.

I think I do understand what is going on.
You are hurt by your parents and by the fathers of your daughter right?
All that pain is still somewhere deep inside you. It is exactly that pain, all those humiliations, all those disrepect, all those rejection, all those misunderstandings that is still inside you and what is the blockade between you and your daugher. (and also other persons).

My advice to you is to clean up your life completely.
You have a stable life now, your partner is next to you. What are you still afraid of?
You need to talk about your inner pain, maybe with a counselor. When you are going through all this pain, you will be able to forgive the ones who have hurt you. Actually that's the most important thing you have to do.

You will see that in this process your heart will be freed. Once you are freed, you will be free to love and care your daughter as never before.

Just a few thoughts for you.
Please think about it. If you want to talk some more, please feel free to write back here.
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#2

Postby Pbj1989 » Mon Dec 19, 2016 1:15 am

Thank you. And yes, I agree. I believe it is the pain I still feel towards them holding me back. Unfortunately it is something I deal with even today, from them. At every opportunity, my dad especially, they seem to find a way to put me down, and the way I parent down. I am 27 years old now, and somehow my parents find new ways to hurt me, which they seem completely oblivious to. My husband tells me constantly to just walk away from them, that I deserve so much more than they could ever offer, yet.. I find myself still going back. I must be a masochist..
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#3

Postby Roady » Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:29 am

Pbj1989 wrote:Thank you. And yes, I agree. I believe it is the pain I still feel towards them holding me back. Unfortunately it is something I deal with even today, from them. At every opportunity, my dad especially, they seem to find a way to put me down


They put you down, but only......
because you let it happen to let put you down.
As long as you don't give any resistance to it, they will continue putting you down.
You have to stand up, strength your back and learn them exactly how you want to be treated by them.

I am 27 years old now, and somehow my parents find new ways to hurt me, which they seem completely oblivious to. My husband tells me constantly to just walk away from them, that I deserve so much more than they could ever offer, yet.. I find myself still going back. I must be a masochist..


A child will always be loyal and obedient to his/her parents. Nothing wrong with that as the parents search the good for the child, but if not, than there will be a inner conflict in the life of the child.

You can walk away from your parents like your partner is telling you, but then you miss the important lessons you definitely have to learn.

So the question is: how will you react the next time they try to put you under?
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#4

Postby TheCloud » Wed Dec 21, 2016 5:16 pm

There is a simple process to go through when you are confronted with questions this difficult; how do you feel, and what do you need? Making judgements of yourself and others is a simple thing when it is what you are taught to do, and most people barely bother to ask about feelings and needs for themselves or others.

In cases such as yours, there are many feelings and needs built up over the years, so they are layered and must be addressed multiple times. If you continue with the process, though, your ability to connect with yourself and others will improve, and that includes your daughter.

One major strength of this process is that it deals with what is going on inside you right now, at the present moment. No judgements, no theories. Just what are the feelings, and what are the needs? I want to understand, as specifically as possible, what you are feeling right now. Is there a way that you can tell me?

https://www.cnvc.org/
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#5

Postby Pbj1989 » Wed Dec 21, 2016 5:22 pm

I feel.. hopeless. Afraid. It's almost like I'm split in two. One side of me understanding that things like this take time, and the other side .. screaming at the top of her lungs needing her daughter to know and see how much I love her.. how much I need her.
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#6

Postby TheCloud » Wed Dec 21, 2016 6:44 pm

Pbj1989 wrote:I feel.. hopeless. Afraid. It's almost like I'm split in two. One side of me understanding that things like this take time, and the other side .. screaming at the top of her lungs needing her daughter to know and see how much I love her.. how much I need her.


I don't know about elsewhere, but you are free to communicate those feelings of yours here. There are people who are listening to you, to what you feel and what you need. So please keep talking as much as you feel the need to talk.
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#7

Postby Roady » Thu Dec 22, 2016 4:34 pm

Pbj1989 wrote:I feel.. hopeless. Afraid. It's almost like I'm split in two. One side of me understanding that things like this take time, and the other side .. screaming at the top of her lungs needing her daughter to know and see how much I love her.. how much I need her.


I think you become closer to the truth if you twist your statements a bit.
It 's more logical to think that your daughter needs you than to think that you need your daughter.
As I can read you project your own problem (the missing love in your own life) on your daughter.

Do you have any steps planned you want to make ?
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#8

Postby Pbj1989 » Fri Dec 23, 2016 1:34 am

Not as of yet. I believe fear is holding me back.
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#9

Postby Roady » Fri Dec 23, 2016 9:23 am

Pbj1989 wrote:Not as of yet. I believe fear is holding me back.


The fear is letting you believe that you "need your daughter so much".
Actually you misuse her to make her your blade of straw.
That's a very very big responsibility you give your daughter.

Please take a step to work on this issue.
Why don't you go to a counselor?
If you love your daughter, that would be a good reason to get some professional help.
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#10

Postby Pbj1989 » Fri Dec 23, 2016 10:16 am

I've certainly considered seeking out a counselor. Where I live, they are hard to find.. but I believe I may have gave the wrong impression. On the "needing my daughter" part. I don't allow anything like this to weigh on her. I try insanely hard to let her be just a simple care-free kid. I never was able to just "be a kid".. so I strive to allow my kids that freedom.

What I mean when I say that I need her to know how much I love and need her is, I want her to physically see and feel that she matters to me. That she knows in the very core of her being that she is loved and adored by her mother.
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#11

Postby Roady » Fri Dec 23, 2016 2:35 pm

Oke PBj,

I am so glad to read that.
Your inner attitude is pure and straight. And you know exactly what is going on in your life.
With some help you must be able to overcome this issue.
If it may help you to express your feelings here, just go ahead. There are always some people willing to listen and give some useful feedback.
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