I am a mother of two beautiful kids. A girl and a boy. I had my daughter when I was young, 18 and a senior in high school, with a boy I now despise. Everything involving my daughter, seems to sadden me. However, it wasn't something I even noticed till after my son was born.
My daughter is now 8, almost 9, and for the past 3 years I have noticed overwhelmingly how much we lack that "mother-daughter bond". Because I was 18 when I had my daughter my parents decided I was just too young and immature to take care of a baby, so they all but snatched her out of my arms the day she was born. I had to fight every day for the first two years of her life to be able to take care of my daughter, to be able to even say how I wanted her to be raised. My parents even had her sleeping in their room after she turned about 3 months old.
Every time I went to take control of the situation, they made me feel that all I was doing was hurting my daughter, and being new to parenting, just those words scared and hurt me.
After my daughter turned 2, I was in a stable situation to get my own apartment and provide for her without the help of my parents. At that point it was like hell had broken loose. My parents resented me for taking their "grandchild" away. (I put that in quotations because at that point they were considering her their daughter, and not mine. They even tried getting her to call me sissy, rather than mommy)
I was beyond hurt. Betrayed, it felt like, by my own parents. And on top of all their shenanigans, I was dealing with my daughter's biological father. He tormented me. He tried using my daughter as leverage and a weapon against me. I had no where to turn, so I turned inward. I became cruel to my parents and to her father. I hated them all at that point.
I believe some small part of me began resenting my daughter, as much as it kills me to admit. I love her and I want the absolute best for her, but I constantly feel... distant towards her.
When me and my now husband had our son, my daughter was 6. We were stable, had just bought our first home, and it felt as though we were happy and perfect. However, that's when I began noticing the difference between the relationship I had with my daughter and the relationship I was developing with my son.
The moment my son was born we were attached, I was the primary caregiver to him for the first 5 months. I breastfed him, so my husband really only stole him away for a small amount of time each day. I never complained, I cherished it. I adored him. When he was 5 months, I went back to work. It killed me leaving my son, and I made a mental note how I never felt that way about my daughter. I was use to having to give her up, and that fact broke my heart.
I feel like a horrible mother. I see it in her eyes that she knows we lack some fundamental connection. She craves it as much as I do. But I have no idea on how to build that. I have always over compensated for our lack of bond. Tried giving her extra attention, do extra special things for her on birthdays and holidays. Tried to always be opposite of my parents. I've been overly involved in school, and tried to show her how much I care about her and her future... I just.. am lost.