How has my life come to this?

Postby Twisterella » Mon Dec 19, 2016 1:34 pm

Hello. Where to start.
I extracted myself from an unhappy marriage. I had a great job, I've got two amazing children. We all got through it.
I met the most amazing man. I never thought I'd feel I had a 'soul mate' but I did.
He turned his world upside down to be with me.
We have a lovely happy life, a lovely home, great children.
We both suffer from anxiety and depression.
2015 my mum got ill and died. I was bullied at work, I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in hospital.
I lost my job.
My next 2 jobs were mistakes, during this my man got very down, went off sex, could not orgasm if he did try.
Then he proposed and we had a lovely, very 'us' wedding. Happiest day of my life.
Two days later on my honeymoon I got a text saying he had been swinging with this woman we vaguely knew. I told them they'd made a mistake and thought nothing more of it. He was really affected by it.
3 weeks later someone sent me an email between them confirming it. I confronted him and he said he'd slept with her 3 times. He didn't know why.
I got into a fake email account he'd created and found they had been swinging with another couple. A week before we married, the day of my mum's funeral (long story).
I also found mail from the previous year from another woman! Was an old school friend, he slept with her once. Was going on whilst my mum was dying and when I was in hospital.
I then found from phone bills he had them both on the go, and sent them same photos daily from holiday we went on as a pick me up.
I went through all of this with him. He is adamant there was no emotion, he had no feelings. He can't say why he did it other than he could and he really didn't think he'd get caught.
He couldn't orgasm with them and his inability to coincided with the first indiscretion - clearly guilt based.
During all this time he couldn't hold a job down.He was clearly reckless and not in the real world. But he says he never stopped loving me, that I was the perfect one, and that he saw it as two different strands to his life.
The moment I found out there has been nothing else. He is loving, he has been able to orgasm.
I confronted both women and the swinging couple. One confirmed what he said. One was nasty, the complete antithesis to me. Dirty, cheap, illiterate, evil, she was even ugly. Her boyfriend threatened to come and beat me up in front of my kids. She called the police and made up stories about me. I fail to see how he could want to spend any time with her. How he could bring that low life into our lives. I found between 500-1000 texts to her per month for 16 months. How can there be no emotion?
He said that she fulfilled his fantasy of seeing two lesbians together. She called him master. We used to indulge in light bdsm, and clearly they were.
But I am more highly sexed than he. I am the adventurous one. He underestimated me. I don't know what he got from them that he couldn't get from me?
I asked why he proposed and married if he wanted this type of life. He said he wants me. He doesn't want that.
He is the most unlikely person to do this. His parents and sister cannot believe it.
I was not untangling my life that has already been through so much, I love him, we have stayed together.
He went through hoops to be with me. Why would he risk that? Why would he fraternise with such a nasty piece of work?
So now I wonder about me. I am a strong woman but people seem to treat me like dirt. Employers, my partner.
I have no job, no self esteem. I don't look at him the same way any more and no longer feel special.
How has my life come to this?
If it weren't for my kids I would seriously consider ending it, but there is NO WAY I would EVER do that to my children. Without them though my life would be pointless.
It feels such a waste. How have I managed to reach this point?
Twisterella
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#1

Postby Harrison57 » Mon Dec 19, 2016 3:11 pm

Oh gosh!

I've read your message and I really feel for you.

Firstly, you're going through a rough patch, do not put yourself down. You may not have a job now but remember what you have accomplished before? Youre a strong independent woman and you need to snap out of this. Remember all the things you've done before off your own back, why has this now changed?

Now on to your husband. It sounds like to me, he leads two very separate lives. One of those is this single man, who can hook up with women. The other is the loving life he has with his wife and the security of that.

Personally, I would love to read something about the strong woman you are, what would she think? Personally I think she would pick herself up, can you forgive him? Could you move on? I think that is something to consider, afterall he did this a week before you commited yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives I would hate to think after you've been married for a while if he would do it again. But I don't know him.

Please don't do anything rash, these forums are here for you to talk to strangers and get advice and we will all be honest with you.

X
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#2

Postby Twisterella » Mon Dec 19, 2016 3:26 pm

That's amazing. The strong me has forgiven him. I love him. I've been unbelievably strong. Most of the time I'm getting over it. Even on occasion forgetting it happened. I found out in August.
But some days, like today, it hits me hard. The pain I feel in my chest stops me breathing.
I know it wasn't about me. He didn't do this to me. He fulfilled his own fantasies and me getting hurt was a by product.

I am a strong independent woman. I'm not afraid of anything or anyone. I am an achiever.
But I nurse a longstanding depression and anxiety that sometimes overwhelm me.
Ironically I'm full of humour. I make people laugh. I attract a lot of suitors because I'm a bit of a Maverick, I always remind myself of Chaucer's Wife of Bath, loud, confident and sexual.
But he decided that I wasn't enough.
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#3

Postby Harrison57 » Mon Dec 19, 2016 5:12 pm

That's more like it! I know what you mean about having down days, I usually over annalise myself and that's a downpoint of mine.

I'm glad you've come to a decision and you've been able to forgive him and move on. Have you asked him why he wouldn't ask you to do these sexual fantasies and went to another woman for them? You don't think he's embarrassed by them do you? (I'm not saying this is a reason to do what he did to you)
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#4

Postby Twisterella » Mon Dec 19, 2016 5:24 pm

I did ask him. He didn't want me sullied. He wanted me to be his perfection.
He said if I had have done it he'd have hated it, he hated it anyway because reality was nothing like fantasy. No sh**.

What I fail to see is why he would gamble with our life together. Why he went with truly disgusting women (if they'd have been stunning I would acknowledge it).
He said he has always felt that I was out of his league.

Does sex without emotion ring true? If you're ashamed of something why would you go back for more?

So many questions he refuses to answer. He doesn't like me getting upset, not for me but because he wants to bury it all.
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#5

Postby TheCloud » Wed Dec 21, 2016 5:29 pm

I think you need to pull yourself together. You appear to have lost focus on yourself in the wash of all of the things that have happened to you, and now you are scattered all over the place. I think you are as strong and noble as you think of yourself as being, and all you are lacking is concentration.

How did this happen? How did you end up scattered this way?
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#6

Postby Twisterella » Wed Dec 21, 2016 10:44 pm

Cos all I wanted was my happy ever after. But then I found he'd shagged 3 other women.
And it's ripped me to shreds
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#7

Postby TheCloud » Thu Dec 22, 2016 3:09 am

Twisterella wrote:Cos all I wanted was my happy ever after. But then I found he'd shagged 3 other women.
And it's ripped me to shreds


You are powerful, a woman of action. You are not taking action, though. You are stopped, dead. When did you decide to stop being so powerful?
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#8

Postby AlexD » Thu Dec 22, 2016 5:02 am

Twisterella, what exactly do you think you deserve in your life, your relationship, your work? What are your goals with regards to these three very important aspects of self-esteem and self-confidence? Do you think you deserve to be taken for granted? It seems to me that you are hurt by his behavior, therefore you fully understand that what he's done to you is wrong from the way you feel about love, relationships, mutual commitment, and loyalty. He tells you he'd be hurt if you did this to him, yet he does it to you? What kind of a person is that? Please don't tell me how anxious and depressed he is. Please remember that you are the one that determines the limits in your life. You are the one allowing or enabling behaviors that hurt you and someone is getting away with it. He is with you and treating you this way because you have allowed him to do so. He is sensing very well that you are vulnerable. The more you allow this, the more your own self-esteem will go down the drain. Do you really want this for yourself? How have you deserved his attitude other than purely allowing it and enabling him by creating all sorts of excuses for his inexcusable behavior? If you have mutually agreed to an open relationship, that's one thing, but clearly this is not the case if you are here seeking help. Run the other way, as fast as you can, before he convinces you even more how much he truly loves you. What you are going through right now is a form of suffering that is completely unnecessary, but if you allow it to continue rest assured it will. I wish you the best of luck and strength. He has been lying to you for more than a year. That is enough to realize that things are really wrong here. Please be your own best advocate, whatever that takes.
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