Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:I agree with you Roady. The OP's writings does allow for us to speculate about the mother. So, how do we calculate that speculation into any advice provided to a 35 year old? What about the influence and teachings of the father, school teachers, neighbors, siblings, grandparents, mentors, friends, coworkers, teammates, coaches, therapists, etc?
I wasn't mean to talk about the mother in a bad way or whatever.
The reason why I mentioned it, is that it can help the OP to understand what is going on.
For example, if the mother has never bought a flying ticket herself, so, never made such a journey, what can you expect from the children?
In other words, if the parent(s) is raised by/with fear, they raised their children with fear as well.
So to me it's no surprise that a 35 old is struggling with things like this.
As an ex-addict I know that I can hide myself for years.
When I decided to come alive again, sometimes it feels to me if I am only 18 in stead of 42. During all those years, I was too afraid for doing certain things (on certain terrains). Now I have faced the inner pain, I don't feel the fear any more so I can build up my life on a different base than fear. Oh man, what a pleasure is that
So emotionally people can freeze in a certain way, until they develop further from the point where the frozing begun.
In my opinion this whole topic is about fear. Nothing else.
All I can read is that the world is too insecure for the OP to spread his wings and fly away.
So he has to deal with this inner insecurity on one side, and let the object where this security should have come from (his mother) go on the other side. And that is not a tiny thing to do.
Actually it's very paradoxical.
At what point...or I guess it is better to ask to what extent do we focus on the speculative influence of a mother as an enabler of bad choices, verses focusing on the OP as being responsible for themselves? I don't have an exact answer or formula.
In my opinion, when somebody has reached the age of 35 he IS already responsible for his own life, wanting or not.
He just IS. He is now waking up to TAKE that responsibility. For him it's the right time, so that's oke to me.
It's important for the OP to make a distinguish between his responsibility and his mothers.
Because the mother should not change because of a healthy relationship, he has to take the responsibility to keep himself healthy and build up a healthy, productive life, according to his own feelings, wishes, longings, convictions etc.
Personally, when a young teen posts a question I have more empathy as legally they are bound to the parent. They have no life experience, they live with the parent. A young adult, they are just getting out of the home and I understand the influence and enabling behaviors of a parent. Past the age of 20? 25? 30? At what point do I begin to lack empathy?
Well, that's totally up to you. As long as you can see things obviously, you shouldn't give up empathy to anyone.
As I said I have no exact formula, but in this case my empathy for a 35 year old is much less than it would be for a teenager. Maybe I'm wrong, but the OP discusses a brother that afforded a trip, but he borrowed. The OP discusses a perceived disparity of treatment with his brother. Are we to believe the mother pushes one child out of the nest, but enables the other to remain suckling on her tit?
I know what you try to say here (I think).
I can understand that somebody is becoming conscious in a certain way and maybe for the first time in life he is sharing some of his feelings about this important issue. I mean, for him it is
As this is his topic, who am I to judge somebody? The least thing I can do is to share some thoughts hoping that the OP is making one little step further in his process.
I like your thought process. I am right there with you regarding the role of the mother in all of this. But, I don't trust the biased perspective of the OP. And at the age of 35 I choose to focus on the accountability and responsibility of the 35 year old, of the OP.
Of course Richard, you should do that with an 35 years old.
But I think there is a big gap between your vision and the way the OP is experiencing it.
Therefor I try to look inside what is happening.
If somebody looks for approval of his mom (knowing that the mother-son relationship is the most important and most close relationship) I know that there are other things going on.
I guess my fear is that the OP wants to be enabled. The OP is posting in hopes to hear and be reinforced about the faults of the mother. The more we use the information provided by the OP to speculate about those potential faults, the more the OP feels justified in feeling hurt. And the mother is not here to defend herself. We are getting strictly a one sided perspective of the mother.
I would like to add:
We can speculate or not, but the OP is the only one who can tell us if we are right or wrong.
I don't have the need to solve his problem. He has to do that. I hope that the advises here can help him a bit to grow further in his adulthood.