Had something nice, and ruined it. Can't forgive myself.

Postby loxagos_snake » Fri Dec 23, 2016 2:41 pm

Alright, there are a ton of things I want to write because the devil is in the details, but I'll try to sum it up. It's gonna be long but please, I need some support so much!

We met about a month ago at my regular hangout. She approached me, we had a brief talk and later, I found her on Facebook and talked to her. She gave me her number, and before I could call her, she talked to me again. The whole thing was fun to begin with, but it became even better when she started calling me about after a week of talking. Those phone sessions quickly reached up to an hour and she started being extremely sweet after I told her I like her. 9 out of 10 she was the one who would call, text, and say nice things, but there's a catch: up to the second week, she had already cancelled twice. Things went great though. She would even call me before her morning work when I was awake and spend that time with me. When we arranged for the third time and she supposedly thought it was cancelled because I didn't call her that day, I got a bit pissed off and she went out of her way to see me that day for a little bit - I also arranged something with my friends. We kissed that day. Things only got better after that -now talking before bed was guaranteed- and she always said how much she liked me and how sweet I was with her. Until I learned something. When she called me one day, she was crying uncontrollably. I tried to calm her down and she dropped the bomb: during the second week, she had sex with another guy. She told me that even though she had the right to do it since we aren't in a relationship, she was deeply sorry about it, broke it off during the act and wanted to be honest with me because she wanted something more from this.

I tried my best and I forgave her, on the condition that this wouldn't happen again. We returned to normalcy, and finally arranged for a date which happened. Man, I wish it didn't. That morning we were talking before her work as usual, when I found out that my BJJ class would be cancelled that day. I told her that and she burst in happy smileys and hearts because she would have more time to see me and that I had made her day. Fast forward to the date, and she is cold and distant. I attribute that to nerves and we go to grab some coffee. She is sitting there, just looking at me, and looking around, and checking her phone and even yawning. I know I wasn't very interesting, but I started sensing something bad. I ask her if everything's alright, she says she's just tired. After about two hours, she proposes we take a short walk and...go home. I lost it. I told her to skip the walk and go straight home. She insisted on that walk, and started caressing my hand and trying to kiss me but man, I was pissed. I told her that she is so much different and that I thought she didn't want to stay with me. We fought a bit, made up and went home. After that, she did talk to me but was cold, although still tried to be sweet. Two days later, she apologizes for that distance and says that she is thinking about what happened. I tell her that if she doesn't feel like it, we shouldn't press the whole thing and she says we will talk tomorrow. More than a week has passed, I tried to say hi and she never replied.

I know what you're gonna say. 'It's just one month', 'Plenty of fish in the sea'. I'm not inexperienced in relationships, I've had my fair share. But the fact remains that every single night since that event, when I'm alone in my bed, I burst in tears, and I'm a tough dude. I know it's irrational, but I can't help it. It was all so abrupt. She wasn't perfect, but I blame myself for turning from cool to needy and ruining something sweet, not being able to believe her. I miss her badly.
Thank you for your time.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Dec 23, 2016 3:45 pm

loxagos_snake wrote: I know it's irrational, but I can't help it....


This sums it up.

It is tough to give an irrational person advice. You have already explained what you don't want to hear about it being one month, etc. In other words, you don't want to hear rational advice.

Anyway, what I will share is no big secret, but it can help you with your situation. You are living inside your head. To some extent this is normal. When our minds are not occupied in the present, it is reasonable that we spend time living in our past or dreaming of some future. Three states of mind; past, present, future. Otherwise you are asleep.

If you want to heal, focus on your present. Get involved with other relationships, projects, goals, etc. Get active with your mind. Read, learn, grow, engage. If you find yourself thinking of her, it means you are failing to engage, failing to get active and failing to live in your present. It means you are choosing to allow yourself to wallow in some past or dreaming of some future.

Ever heard the phrase "time heals all wounds"? There is a scientific basis for this. The more you think of something the more those neurons, those connections in the brain are strengthened. The less you think of something the weaker those connections become. When you engage in life, when you live in your present and focus on things other than her then the connections regarding her will weaken as other connections strengthen.
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#2

Postby loxagos_snake » Fri Dec 23, 2016 4:16 pm

Thank you for your feedback, Richard. The thing is, I'm left with a whole host of insecurities that won't leave me alone at night. Knowing that the girl who's been talking to me every night would make it hard for me to see her, yet slept with another man makes me feel inadequate to say the least. I might be a bit absolute, but if she wasn't passionate with me, it was probably my fault, because she displayed interest. It shakes my belief that you can be respectful, forgiving and caring for a new person without being a doormat, so to speak. This is the only girl that I decided to let go and be myself from the beginning, and it seemed rewarding, until it became the very reason I'm hurting right now. I don't think it's as simple as 'just letting go'. I know she isn't the love of my life, and while I miss her, I have to move on.

But what's going to happen when another girl comes? I'm already scared that I won't be able to keep her. I feel like I've been living a fairytale my whole life, and the girls I was with before her reinforced that. I felt far more betrayed that I should have. What I'm trying to say is, I do keep going with my life. The gym I train in and my partners are very supportive and I almost forget about it when I'm there. I regain my 'sense of manhood' when I fight and lift weights. But when I'm alone at night, the thoughts just keep coming.
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#3

Postby Roady » Fri Dec 23, 2016 4:17 pm

I tried my best and I forgave her, on the condition that this wouldn't happen again.


Well, you show me that you put her on a big pedestal. She is so lovely, beautiful, nice and sweet, that even the fact that she had sex with someone else, you are willing to keep her.

You definitely have to start to use your brain.
If I met such a girl, I would put on my fastest running shoes, say her goodbye....

And RUN!!

You learned her just this:
Oh, that is a kind man. I can have sex with others and he is still giving me some attention.

She has problems in her life and I hope you have the insights to see that and to react on it the right way.

And don't make the mistake that you should have a sweet girl next to you because of Christmas eve.
You better go to that little manger in the stable and have a look on that little boy.
That boy can learn you some lessons of live you need so badly.
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#4

Postby tokeless » Sat Dec 24, 2016 12:56 pm

Sounds more like a rejection thing to me. She chose to sleep with someone over you, before you and then told you... it's understandable to feel hurt but she wasn't yours so chose what she did despite telling you she regretted it etc etc... what could she say, he was great??? Rejection is very common in relationships and can be destructive because you may project it on to your next one.. I.e she'll do the same or I can't trust her..
Accept it's done and get back to your life or stay in the seductive misery of feeling hard done by... the emotion fuelled by rejection.
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#5

Postby calvinTO » Sun Dec 25, 2016 10:56 pm

You've been juggling a lot and it's tough to go through what you are going through. I get it. Even if she isn't (as you say) the love of your life, she sure has touched something in you.

And that is it, isn't it? You. I read your two messages over again, and it seems to me that what's really playing out here is that you're lonely. This latest woman is merely a symptom of that. This isn't to say that she wasn't worthwhile; it's just that she's brought about a return to lonely nights when you're alone and crying.

Good on you for being in touch with what's going on with yourself and being honest about it. That's a major step. But you're still wondering about your future. Indeed, your second message seems to indicate that you're already moving past this latest woman and are now thinking about trust issues. You refer to "living a fairytale" and having been "betrayed." Well, what's the fairytale? What are these betrayals? I'd wager that *these* are the real issues that are leading you to tearful nights, not just this woman (as I've said). Please consider seeking some professional help to get at the root of what you've gestured to. Perhaps there are patterns that you're living out (such as trying to live in fairytale and being disappointed when life turns out to be anything but?) that need to be addressed, so that the next time an interesting woman comes along you'll be able to maintain a sense of yourself, with firm boundaries, clear communication, and self-respect.

You're already past this latest woman, it's clear. Let us know what happens in the next step of your journey forward. Be well.

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