A narcissist ruined my life

Postby Mabel333 » Fri Dec 23, 2016 11:41 pm

Hi. Sorry this is such a long story, but I want to make sure I leave nothing out.

So, I met a narcissist around the same time I got together with my boyfriend.
He was a mutual friend of ours. I immediately liked him and talked to him a lot. I couldn't help but notice that he could get very flirtatious though, to the point that it made me uncomfortable, but when I asked some other mutual friends about it, they assured me I shouldn't worry, because that was simply who he was.
I accepted it, though I still asked him to back off if some things really made me uncomfortable. He never really did back off. But I came to accept it more and more, because I liked the person he seemed to be. He made me laugh, he made my day when I talked to him and I went to him with problems I couldn't tell my boyfriend for fear it would hurt his feelings.
Big mistake. He wove this web around me and I didn't notice at all how he got me addicted to our conversations and how he made me go along in his flirtations more than I had really wanted to. Before I knew it I thought I was in love with him. I often cried myself to sleep because I could never bring myself to break up with my wonderful loving boyfriend, but nor could I stop talking to him. I was in it too deep.
At some point, we ended up in my room. Alone. He was very touchy and he cuddled me a lot, which made me uncomfortable. I thought it weird that he would do that, because he had a girlfriend at the time. At some point he almost kissed me. I told him to stop, because it wasn't right. He then confessed that he had 'feelings' for me, and I admitted that I, too, felt somewhat strange around him. He told me it was better not to tell anyone about it and just forget about it. He then left.
I wasn't comfortable about it though and ended up telling my boyfriend. After some shock and anger he forgave me but asked me not to see him again.
But I was at that point feeling very unsure about our relationship. I was very confused, and this one night I came home from a night out with my friends, and my boyfriend made a romantic candle light dinner and put red roses on the table. I freaked out, I was already feeling so horribly guilty and couldn't really handle it. It became a huge fight and I told my boyfriend I wanted to break up with him. He told me I should take some time to rethink that decision and went home, leaving me alone at my place with the roses.
My boyfriend and I made up very quickly after that, though we had to fight through it one step at a time. We remained friends with the narcissist even after all of this. My boyfriend forgave him. But he trampled all over us. He had continued to flirt with me and I still couldn't say no to him. Then, we had this huge fight over nothing, his disproportionate anger over a little thing baffled me.
When I asked him why, he responded that he just started working and no one ever bothered to ask him about his day, and why did everyone expect him to be so understanding towards them. That it was just who he was, that he didn't give a ****, and that we should be more open-minded and just accept how he was. And that I was emotionally unstable. I called him a narcissist. At that point, though, I had no idea yet how true that was.
Then I heard stories from others and started remembering things from my own experience:
- He lost a lot of friends over time, often with huge fights
- In discussions, he would never stop arguing his own point of view and he never once admitted to being wrong
- He never once apologized to me, his girlfriend or friends he had a fight with. He always demanded an apology from others
- The one time he did apologize was to my boyfriend after what happened, and only with the prospect of manipulating me again
- He often made a friend feel guilty for not replying to his messages immediately
- He blamed his girlfriend for all the fights they had, it was never his fault
- He bragged a lot about his achievements, even though he did his best to appear modest
- If he did something for someone, he considered it some sort of eternal debt
- He often sided with his friends against his girlfriend
- If a friend told him they'd 'be there for him', his reply was that those words did nothing for him
- He talked about not being able to care about other people
- He'd get really angry when someone questioned him too much
- He told me he didn't feel remorse at all, that he only knew by standards that what he did to me was bad
- He lied about having feelings for me, same thing with his girlfriend
- He refused to let someone close to him see a psychologist out of fear that it would damage his reputation

And I could have summed up a great deal more.

That was one year ago. We haven't talked ever since. But I feel like I am still in his power. There is not a day that goes by without me thinking about it.
It's been a year and I still miss him for the friend he was. I still feel guilty towards my boyfriend though he forgave me. I even feel guilty for initiating a fight with the narcissist. I feel like I am obsessed and there is no way out. I fear that it is going to ruin the wonderful and healthy relationship I have, I fear that in a weak moment I will try to contact him. I'm afraid of talking to people, I'm unable to make new friends. I don't enjoy the things I used to like as much now. I cannot concentrate on work. It has taken over my life. I feel like I am going to burst.
Can anyone give me advice on how to deal with this?
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#1

Postby Roady » Sat Dec 24, 2016 12:23 pm

I would like to advice you:

Rewrite your post and change every "he" or "him" to "I" and "me".
You are only pointing at him as the one who hurt you, but you have definitely work on setting your healthy boundaries. And work on your lack of self-esteem.
Probable there is also a "narcissist" in yourself......

The only wise one in this story is your boyfriend.
If I were your boyfriend, I would definitely break up with you.
Loyalty is the most important moral thing in life imo. And you've played with it.
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#2

Postby quietvoice » Sat Dec 24, 2016 12:37 pm

- He refused to let someone close to him see a psychologist out of fear that it would damage his reputation

My, my. Unless this other person was his child, he is quite a powerful personality.
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#3

Postby Mabel333 » Sat Dec 24, 2016 1:55 pm

Roady wrote:I would like to advice you:

Rewrite your post and change every "he" or "him" to "I" and "me".
You are only pointing at him as the one who hurt you, but you have definitely work on setting your healthy boundaries. And work on your lack of self-esteem.
Probable there is also a "narcissist" in yourself......
.


Please, no, that's not true. Would I be so hung up on it, would I be hating myself for it every day if I were? Would I even feel the remorse that I feel every day? It keeps me awake at night.
It's not like I don't care about other people. It is in fact, a big reason why I can't move on. I care about my boyfriend and I tell him so often that I don't deserve him. I cared for the narcissist too. He was a precious friend. I still miss his friendship. I cared about his girlfriend who came to me crying and got damaged so much by his ill usage of her. Some other mutual friends who told me how they were just manipulated and tossed aside by him.
I'm not going to pretend that I don't at least have some of the blame, for being stupid and allowing so much when it came to him, but it's not like that's just who I am. I have always been firmly against things that weren't right, I have always stood up to bullies, and I have never before abandoned a friend in need. I've just gone through a very difficult time and made some very stupid mistakes.
I hope this post will at least somewhat alter your opinion, because it pains me a lot to have someone thinking so badly of me.
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#4

Postby quietvoice » Sat Dec 24, 2016 3:51 pm

You are responsible for where your attention goes (generally speaking, not counting for sudden, unexpected happenings).

Thus stipulated, any so-called narcissist can affect you only so far as you give him your attention.

Therefore, if you want to be free of thoughts of this person, when you recognize that you're on those thoughts, begin to steer your thoughts somewhere/anywhere else. Make a habit of that; eventually you'll be free of those thoughts. Just remember that you are responsible for where you take your thinking — you're not responsible for the thoughts that come "to" you, only whether you decide to dwell on those thoughts.

Mabel333 wrote:. . . because it pains me a lot to have someone thinking so badly of me.

What You Think of Me is None of My Business at Amazon.
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#5

Postby quietvoice » Sat Dec 24, 2016 5:53 pm

Mabel333 wrote: I tell him so often that I don't deserve him.

If he doesn't already, do you think that one day he'll come to believe you?
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#6

Postby Mabel333 » Sat Dec 24, 2016 11:39 pm

quietvoice wrote:
Mabel333 wrote: I tell him so often that I don't deserve him.

If he doesn't already, do you think that one day he'll come to believe you?


He doesn't and he won't. He should. He'd be better off, probably.
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#7

Postby Roady » Sun Dec 25, 2016 2:43 pm

Mabel333 wrote:
Please, no, that's not true. Would I be so hung up on it, would I be hating myself for it every day if I were? Would I even feel the remorse that I feel every day? It keeps me awake at night.
It's not like I don't care about other people. It is in fact, a big reason why I can't move on. I care about my boyfriend and I tell him so often that I don't deserve him. I cared for the narcissist too. He was a precious friend. I still miss his friendship. I cared about his girlfriend who came to me crying and got damaged so much by his ill usage of her. Some other mutual friends who told me how they were just manipulated and tossed aside by him.
I'm not going to pretend that I don't at least have some of the blame, for being stupid and allowing so much when it came to him, but it's not like that's just who I am. I have always been firmly against things that weren't right, I have always stood up to bullies, and I have never before abandoned a friend in need. I've just gone through a very difficult time and made some very stupid mistakes.
I hope this post will at least somewhat alter your opinion, because it pains me a lot to have someone thinking so badly of me.


Hmmm well
at least you should make some distinguishes between your problem (the reason you write a post here) and his problem.

So if it may help you:
Describe what exactly is your problem?
What is your problem that keeps you awake at night?
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#8

Postby Ogm305 » Thu Nov 09, 2017 8:16 am

Mabel you know you are better than that, you are a special girl I do know it
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#9

Postby Livetowin » Fri Nov 10, 2017 12:06 pm

First rule in life - You only control yourself. So for better or worse, right or wrong, your actions define you. The first thing you need to do is step up to the plate and make yourself accountable. There's no mystery here. There's no hidden force controlling you. What this whole ordeal boils down to is you have no discipline, no conviction, and no principles to control yourself when temptation hits you.

You obsess over this guy because you won't own the fact that you fell for him, so you hide behind all of these poorly constructed ideas that it's actually not your fault. HE made you do it. And he's "good at that" because look at how he controls everyone else! You run from guilt. You hide behind other people because you don't want to look in the mirror and say, " You know I allowed him into my life and I let him have his way at the cost of my relationship."

You SHOULD feel bad! You act like its a crime for you to feel bad for your actions. What is that? You're feeling sorry for yourself. What about your boyfriend that you emotionally cheated on? What about all the signs this guy gave you that he did not respect your relationship with your boyfriend? Where's YOUR brain in this? " Oh well I saw that but THEY told me it was okay." Oh so when common sense kicks in, you check out? So if a Great White Shark is in the water and everyone says, " It's okay,. he's already been fed" you think it's safe? Don't you think that would be...uhm... STUPID?

So quit playing stupid, because that's exactly how you come across. You allowed a con man to play you while ignoring all the danger signs that should have screamed, " STAY AWAY.". You didn't care, so you embraced his attention and affection and now , despite your pleas of feeling bad (for yourself), you want more. Did I miss anything? No.

So if you want to continue to pretend like you don't 'get it' and that this guy magically "controls you", then go find him, play his fool once again, and when he's done using you, you can come crying back to your boyfriend. At this point hopefully your boyfriend will realize you are not worth the trouble and will deposit you on the corner.

If all of this sounds " cruel", it's because you have spent entirely too much time hurting others and not owning that for yourself. No one "makes" you do anything. You're decisions are based on an internal value system. And most every time this guy took a swipe, you weighed his merits against your boyfriend and your boyfriend lost. Saying you didn't go all the way is not a check in your boyfriend's box because the action didn't repulse you, it fascinated you. You were more compelled to take his attention than walk away on the principle that you were emotionally cheating on your boyfriend.

Honestly I'm not sold on you even caring about your boyfriend. Perhaps your immaturity dictates you need someone to chase, which is why this other guy stays on your radar. You give merit to someone you think you have to "earn", rather than a guy who shows up with roses that you didn't have to fight to get. Maybe you're stuck in this 15 year old attitude that it's the bad guys that carry all the charm. Well, try and cash that check in life and see where it gets you. I think you've already tried. Not that you're listening to Life's lessons.

So own your decisions, and decide whether this guy you have been unfaithful to repeatedly is really someone you actually want in Life. Because sitting in bed with your boyfriend while you dream about this con artist is wasting everyone's time. If you need to get used again, please let you boyfriend know so he can move on with his life. At least that gesture would show you cared enough to let him go.
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#10

Postby quietvoice » Fri Nov 10, 2017 12:24 pm

321 days since OP last posted. Wonder what's happening with her now?
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