Fed up with the way things are going

Postby Smash10033 » Mon Dec 26, 2016 10:42 pm

I do not know where I should turn or if this is even something I can work on but I have very low self esteem and confidence. I have been fortunate in my life and have been very successful. At 36 I have reached the highest rungs of my career ladder. I am probably the most successful member of my highschool class. From my freshman year in college on I have been an overachiever. Most of my deep issues go back to grade school and high-school. As a child I was sick all the time this went back as long as I can remember until my senior year in high school. I missed a ton of school and was always tired and exhausted when I would attend class. I barely scraped through grade school and by the grace of god just barely passed high school. I was always embarrassed back then about not keeping up with the other kids. As a defense mechanism I became a rather violent kid and teen. I was ruthless and would fight at a drop of a dime. I had no loyalty to my friends and never trusted or let any of the kids become close to me. In general I was an absolutely horrible person in grade school and high school.

As I said in my senior year my health issues were resolved. I was only accepted into one College and that was as a provisional. My grades were that bad I had to make it two semesters with a 2.0 GPA Before being considered as a full student. This was a wake up call and I worked as hard as humanly possible. I graduated with 2 degrees and a 4.0 GPA. I also began working out and got myself into great shape.

Once I got into my career field I worked endless hours and received promotions at a lightning pace. My issue is with social interactions.... I literally still feel like that underachieving jerk of a teenager. When I talk with people I feel unworthy, like I am a fraud and that they know how horrible I used to be. I have no contact with anyone anymore from my highschool class and when I see one of them out I literally go out of my way to avoid them.

No matter how much I work out or succeed I still feel like a failure. I constantly feel fat, ugly, and unworthy of any of the things in my life. This feeling continues to grow.
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#1

Postby quietvoice » Mon Dec 26, 2016 10:54 pm

All of your feelings are coming from your thinking. You are thinking yourself into those states. The thinking is habitual — habits of thought.

One thing you can do is to figure out a way to change your habits of thought.
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#2

Postby Roady » Tue Dec 27, 2016 10:13 am

As I can read, you have learned a very important lesson.

It doesn't matter at all how "successful" you are in career, how much hours a week you work and how much
promotions you've got.
It doesn't matter at all how great your body shape is
It doesn't matter at all how much money you have in stock

If all those things are just a try to push down your pain, or a try to prove yourself to ....(your former school kids?)

You have put your ladder to the wall and climbed to the top.
Now you are at the top, you see that you've climbed the wrong wall......

Actually..... you discovered that there is not such thing as "climbing".
Climbing means actually: pushing down your inner feelings and grow to your own benefit, but at the expense of others.

You definitely have to use your brain now, and start to be honest, very honest to yourself.
How do you feel? Start sharing the answer on that question to others.

You have to leave the "mister perfect" version of yourself and find the "true" version of yourself.
People don't like perfect people
People normally like just normal, humble and vulnerable people.

What you have to do, is to go back to your youth-years and clean up the mess.
That means: you have to talk to somebody about the pain, the rejection,the abandonment, all the s##t you have gone through. If you face that pain and go through it, you will start growing the right way.

and by the grace of god just barely passed high school.

I am glad to see that you know the grace of God.
Maybe it can help you, or makes sense in your current situation?
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#3

Postby Smash10033 » Tue Dec 27, 2016 12:39 pm

Roady wrote:As I can read, you have learned a very important lesson.

It doesn't matter at all how "successful" you are in career, how much hours a week you work and how much
promotions you've got.
It doesn't matter at all how great your body shape is
It doesn't matter at all how much money you have in stock

If all those things are just a try to push down your pain, or a try to prove yourself to ....(your former school kids?)

You have put your ladder to the wall and climbed to the top.
Now you are at the top, you see that you've climbed the wrong wall......

Actually..... you discovered that there is not such thing as "climbing".
Climbing means actually: pushing down your inner feelings and grow to your own benefit, but at the expense of others.

You definitely have to use your brain now, and start to be honest, very honest to yourself.
How do you feel? Start sharing the answer on that question to others.

You have to leave the "mister perfect" version of yourself and find the "true" version of yourself.
People don't like perfect people
People normally like just normal, humble and vulnerable people.

What you have to do, is to go back to your youth-years and clean up the mess.
That means: you have to talk to somebody about the pain, the rejection,the abandonment, all the s##t you have gone through. If you face that pain and go through it, you will start growing the right way.

and by the grace of god just barely passed high school.

I am glad to see that you know the grace of God.
Maybe it can help you, or makes sense in your current situation?


Thank you, You actually just summed up everything. As I sit here now I can see what I have been doing. I wake up, workout, go to work, work my rear off, come home, go to the golf course, practice until nearly dark, workout again, leaving myself barely an hour of free time to eat, shower, and prepare for my next day. I never allowed myself the time to think about these things that bothered me.

When I have extra time I usually cannot stand to be alone with my thoughts. I am now 36 years old and it honestly feels like impending doom. I have not found happiness in any of my achievements. I never took the time to stop and enjoy this journey, I just kept running from my past.

I have had friends over the years but usually hurt them in someway. I abandoned all of my friends from grade school, then my friends from high school, and then I abandoned the friends I had in college. I am ashamed of how selfish I was. I was the best man in 2 of their weddings and eventually just cut all contact with them because I was too busy. I have a group of close friends now that I have not hurt as of yet.

I used to love Christmas and the Holidays as a kid, teen and even 20 something. I have become something I used to hate.... I did not celebrate Christmas at all this year. I actually went into work so I did not have to deal with it.

I am 36 years old and have all the money I need, a beautiful house, and great career but deep down I feel dead inside.
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#4

Postby Roady » Tue Dec 27, 2016 2:22 pm

Smash10033 wrote: I never allowed myself the time to think about these things that bothered me.


Oke, that may be a good starting point.

Now tell me, what gives you more anxiety:
Just walk alone in the beach and listen very very carefully to your own heart and just let be what there is?

Or keep on escaping from your past running hard day by day, and never contact to your real feelings?

Did you ever thought about writing down everything bad and painful that happened in the past?

Just write it down.

And maybe later, talk to a counselor about these writings?

Don't you think you feel dead inside because you never opened the windows of your heart?
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#5

Postby AlexD » Wed Jan 04, 2017 7:01 am

If you are not happy with what you have achieved, even if it sounds like a great deal of achievement, that means that there is something missing, and you have control over it. Normally, people will not despair over things they can't control Nobody gets upset that the sun rises or sets, right? I know this is a very simple example, but what you are saying indicates that you know what part of your life is not quite developed yet and feels like an empty space. To be a happy and self-confident person, you need balance in several area in you life, and relationships is one of these important areas. To make it very clear, there is absolutely no use in you diminishing yourself by suggesting that others "know" what type of a "horrible" person you are. These are useless thoughts, therefore you will do yourself a great favor if you avoid them. The other very important thing to understand is that you have ultimate control over your thoughts.
As far as relationships: these need time and effort to create, develop, nourish and sustain. You can take online classes on relationship and communication skills, as well as conversation skills. The classes are not expensive, so all you need is some time and practice. If you have achieved so much in your career, what makes you think that you are not able to achieve excellent conversation skills, and relationship-building skills? You have not set your mind on it. It is a skill like anything else. And yes, it can be learned. Trust me, have seen it happen many times.
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