In a state of confusion

Postby WannaSurvive » Tue Dec 27, 2016 9:52 am

Well, now that me and my wife are divorcing, I can't seem to keep my head straight. Seeing her go through pain is killing me and seeing her struggle with how she is going to support herself and get on her feet is making me feel miserable. Seems like when she still lashes out at me and says snide remarks, I remember why I'm doing it but also it causes me to want to help her as much as I can for our child.

I feel so much turmoil with wondering if I should try to heal this and make it work for our child but not sure it'll change anything. I keep wondering if this would be the rock bottom for her to get help but I also wonder if all the damage that's come out of getting divorce started is too much. She has said some pretty nasty things and also made me feel like a target to be screwed over as much as possible.
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#1

Postby Roady » Tue Dec 27, 2016 10:17 am

Why do you think there is no way to admit your mistakes, forgive each other and atone / reconcile the relationship?
And both start working on your own issues??
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#2

Postby WannaSurvive » Tue Dec 27, 2016 10:54 am

Because I have admitted my mistakes. I definitely was not, and am not perfect, but I tried my absolute hardest I feel. She needed help and I was able to get her into psych and therapy and she backed out shortly after. I tried relentlessly to get her back in and tackle whatever it is the she might have or need help with and she refused. Now that I want the divorce she wants help but only after reaffirming all the negative things she had said about me "in the heat of the moment". Someone lashing out at you numerous times about not being a man and not doing enough and then apologizing the next day beats you down.

I understand it's out of anger but it creates a wound that I'm sick of having to try and heal. I love her and care about her but all the negative has outweighed everything. Once we get to a point where things may seem like they're working (after talking) it rebounds hard. I've voiced concerns and it seems like she's more interested in casting the blame on me and not understanding she played a part.

Now that I want out, she cycles between happy, angry, sad and takes her anger out on me and I understand I guess.
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#3

Postby Roady » Tue Dec 27, 2016 11:46 am

WannaSurvive wrote:Now that I want the divorce she wants help but only after reaffirming all the negative things she had said about me "in the heat of the moment".


It sounds to me that you both have difficulties in a clear communication and understanding each other.
It seems to me that you have manipulated her in a certain way.
Love is always waiting and never pushing. Did she felt the space she needed to search for her solutions on her own way?
Or did you push her in a certain direction?

However the situation is, you better start focus on your own problem while she is focusing on hers.
If you gave each other some time and space, maybe the relationship will grow out of this problem-situation?

And by the way, you as the man has definitely learn to hear what is not said.
If she is shouting to you, then try to understand what she is really saying, trying to tell you.
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#4

Postby WannaSurvive » Tue Dec 27, 2016 11:58 am

There's a lot of history that wasn't explained in this post. If you see my prior posts, you may understand a little more.
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#5

Postby quietvoice » Tue Dec 27, 2016 12:41 pm

I see that you've been married for approximately one year now, per past posts . . . with 17 years to go before your child is an adult.
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#6

Postby tokeless » Tue Dec 27, 2016 4:39 pm

Someone lashing out at you numerous times about not being a man and not doing enough and then apologizing the next day beats you down.

I understand it's out of anger but it creates a wound that I'm sick of having to try and heal.

If this was a woman posting the advice would be very different I think because it's bullying behaviour. I am aware of your previous posts and am aware that she apolgises only when she sees the consequences but can't maintain her changed behaviour.
I understand the feeling bad for her as ive been here myself but things may get worse as she may throw everything at you and use the child as a pawn/weapon.... just stay strong. If you've got to the point where you know you're done there isn't much else you can do. Just remember her 'grip' on the child gets weaker as time goes by but it's hard in the present. Stay in contact with your child, never make them second and never express your feelings towards the mother because the child didn't choose this either so keep focus on the child's needs and your relationship bonding. Get support and good legal advice of you need it. Don't rise to baiting as this keeps her in control . Things can only get better but may feel worse for a while, hence the support.
Best wishes
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