Still here

Postby WannaSurvive » Sun Jan 01, 2017 4:35 pm

Well, in connection with my previous posts, I'm still in a weird state of limbo. I have gone through days where I'm solid on the idea of our divorce and then have second thoughts. Thoughts of our good times and the fact that we are parents together. Thoughts that maybe we forgot about our relationship and should keep trying to reconnect. The issue is, my mind also tells me that I was beaten down due to her demeaning words and manipulation and although it could be led by stress of being a new parent, I felt destroyed. To go back on the divorce and try to work on things would scare me. There's been a lot of hurt between our families during this as well as to each other.

I find myself worried about her still. Wondering if when she goes out with friends if she has found someone else. Its like I can't let the idea go that she is (almost) no longer my wife and can do what she wants.

I'm not sure how to keep my mind on one track. I just want to be able to KNOW what I'm doing is right.
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#1

Postby tokeless » Sun Jan 01, 2017 5:00 pm

Only you can decide what to do. The option of doing nothing isn't an option.. perhaps try therapy together to see if it can be saved. If not you need to be clear. Insecurity is common and to be expected and it's probably the same for her if you go out... unless you don't and she does? That gives her a big advantage of she's aware of your fears and insecurity.... I guess you need to make a plan and get on with it.
Asking questions is fine but only you know the answers.
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#2

Postby SuzieO » Mon Jan 02, 2017 4:30 am

Yes I agree with tokeless, only you can decide if the divorce is the right way to go. Sounds to me like you are trying to rationalise everything about the relationship and where or not you should try again. Being logical and practical is fantastic to a point, at the end of the day when you are talking about marriage or any sort of relationships you also need to consult your heart. Try thinking of spending the rest of your life with her, what do you see/feel? If its opens up your heart then it might be worth having another go. If you felt your heart close or just a need to control the situation then maybe you are on the right track with the divorce.
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#3

Postby WannaSurvive » Tue Jan 03, 2017 9:43 am

Thanks guys, I'm sorry for all the yoyo with this. It seems I just can't keep my head on straight because we have a kid together and still live together. This causes me to see her "changing" (not sure if it's her way of trying to get me to stay) and also seeing our child be excited for her. That causes me to feel like a low life that's "giving up too quick".

I keep finding myself thinking about all the things we could have done and gone to together and it makes me sad. She has admitted to the things she has said and done to me and is getting help at the moment for herself, I'm getting help myself as well. We've tried joint counseling and it didn't go too well except her saying she would do anything for me to stay and change herself and the counselor saying from what she heard from both sides it may be healthier to separate for right now and work on ourselves.

I can't determine why I feel fear of my upcoming move out of our place. A mixture of feeling like I'm screwing her over, being scared to be on my own again, missing her company, and also wondering if it's the wrong move. On the other hand, I feel (guiltily) excited for my future and the possibility of finding a new woman way down the road and being able to just exist on my own.
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#4

Postby AlexD » Wed Jan 04, 2017 7:13 am

If you move out and are excited about the possibility of meeting someone else, that is completely your right. And she has the same right, so fearing she may do this is a possessive instinct that you need to let go of, if you are to start a new life yourself. I would humbly like to offer that the counselor has a point that each of you needs to work on himself and herself. Separation can be very healthy. Nobody said you will find a new woman the day after you move out. The same applies to her. But it is very clear that the current situation isn't working. Experience your fear to the fullest, yet don't let it stop you. Do what you feel is right, in spite of the fear. Just ask yourself this question: what am I going to regret more 5 years from now? But answer honestly, without pre-judging yourself. Just accept yourself the way you are, and answer THAT question honestly. and then do what will prevent you from regretting your decision 5-10 years from now. A child is not an indication that you have to be someone's doormat just because there is a child. Your wife is realizing that you are very serious this time around. But if she is really sincere about changing, she needs to let you go first. You need to clear your mind a little bit. And you will not be able to do it while living with her, that I can guarantee you one thousand percent.
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#5

Postby TheCloud » Tue Jan 10, 2017 3:23 am

WannaSurvive wrote:The issue is, my mind also tells me that I was beaten down due to her demeaning words and manipulation and although it could be led by stress of being a new parent, I felt destroyed. To go back on the divorce and try to work on things would scare me.


I think this sums it up well; you want to go on being with your wife, but that would mean confronting everything quoted above, which is something you imagine you are not equipped to do.

WannaSurvive wrote:That causes me to feel like a low life that's "giving up too quick".


Furthermore, your means of reconciling your contradictory feelings is to add guilt into the mix. So now, in addition to feeling beaten and scared, you're also feeling guilty. With that, you're even farther from reconciliation than ever before.

Know this; guilt is poison. It is the opposite of healing or being healed. With it, you'll end up feeling that there is nothing good in this world. So don't apologize. Don't say that you're sorry.

Instead, give thanks. Gratitude is the opposite of guilt. If you're late, don't say "Sorry I'm late," say "Thank you for waiting." If you do something wrong, don't beat yourself up for being wrong, be glad that for the people who still accept you even so. Don't apologize to your wife for your being mixed up, thank her for still wanting to work on things even after everything that has happened.

Gratitude can be scary, but it is the way toward life, just as guilt is the way toward death. Guilt tries to remove you from the world, where gratitude brings you closer to it. You'll still feel beaten down and scared, but when there is gratitude between you and the other person, those feelings are not too much to talk about.
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