WannaSurvive wrote:The issue is, my mind also tells me that I was beaten down due to her demeaning words and manipulation and although it could be led by stress of being a new parent, I felt destroyed. To go back on the divorce and try to work on things would scare me.
I think this sums it up well; you want to go on being with your wife, but that would mean confronting everything quoted above, which is something you imagine you are not equipped to do.
WannaSurvive wrote:That causes me to feel like a low life that's "giving up too quick".
Furthermore, your means of reconciling your contradictory feelings is to add guilt into the mix. So now, in addition to feeling beaten and scared, you're also feeling guilty. With that, you're even farther from reconciliation than ever before.
Know this; guilt is poison. It is the opposite of healing or being healed. With it, you'll end up feeling that there is nothing good in this world. So don't apologize. Don't say that you're sorry.
Instead, give thanks. Gratitude is the opposite of guilt. If you're late, don't say "Sorry I'm late," say "Thank you for waiting." If you do something wrong, don't beat yourself up for being wrong, be glad that for the people who still accept you even so. Don't apologize to your wife for your being mixed up, thank her for still wanting to work on things even after everything that has happened.
Gratitude can be scary, but it is the way toward life, just as guilt is the way toward death. Guilt tries to remove you from the world, where gratitude brings you closer to it. You'll still feel beaten down and scared, but when there is gratitude between you and the other person, those feelings are not too much to talk about.