New Year, New Beginning: My Quit Journal

#15

Postby HungryGhost99 » Sat Jan 07, 2017 1:00 am

January 6th, 2017

I figured out that if I find myself with the idea that I'm going to be alone for a period of time, I start to think about smoking pot and then I start making plans for smoking pot. This addiction is tricky.
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#16

Postby HungryGhost99 » Sat Jan 07, 2017 6:22 pm

January 7th, 2017

Day 1

I failed yesterday. I feel like a complete fool, because I set the intention to quit for good and I didn't follow through early in my 1000th attempt. My apologies to those have been reading and commenting on my posts. I really do want to quit in the long run, but I get side-tracked and forget my reasons to quit. One problem I have is that there is so much pleasure attached to the idea of getting high that it tends to overrule the pain associated with it.

So, I got home from work last night at around 4:30 pm. My family decided we would get Japanese take-out for dinner. I went to pick up the food but, somehow decided to leave myself enough time to pick up some weed before I picked up the food. I started planning for this pickup (of weed) because I knew that I would have some alone time that evening to get high. This is the problem as I said in yesterday's post: having a long stretch of alone time. It seems that when I have the intention to smoke, I can't override the decision. I make excuses, etc.

So I got high around 6:30 after my family had gone out... and around 8:00 pm, a non-smoking friend called asking if we could meet up for a coffee... So, if I had just waited a little bit longer, I wouldn't have been alone for the whole night.

But, in reality, it is essential to learn to be comfortable alone with one's self. I know this. Usually I am. But I think it also shows the importance of building a network of friends and contacts, something I've neglected a lot in the past.

I really feel bad about smoking because I posted on here from January 1st about my quit and I feel that voicing my feelings on here has really been helpful... Especially the comments I've received so far. Please don't think I'm not grateful for the support. It just I'm a very weak-willed person and need to build up my willpower more.

awmm301116: I downloaded Headspace on your suggestion... did my first session.. Thanks for the recommendation, it looks like it will help a lot.

S.W.L.: how goes your anxiety and recovery?

My apologies to the group..I hope you can understand. Back to square one.
I might post again later today.

Thanks for the support :D
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#17

Postby awmm301116 » Sat Jan 07, 2017 6:46 pm

You're not weak at all HungryGhost. This isn't an easy task. Best to be kind to yourself , and try not to be too hard on yourself for it. There's no shame in stumbling. It is how you get back up, right?

I'm delighted you tried Headspace. You'll fly through the Take 10, and you'll pick up new coping strategies along the way.

Take care.
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#18

Postby S.W.L » Sat Jan 07, 2017 7:55 pm

Hey Hungry Ghost.

I wouldn't be getting yourself to wound up about having a smoke everyone has a relapse. Even going a few days is a massive achievement in my eyes. we all smoke for different reason, I smoked because I wanted to hide all the pain in my life instead of trying to face it full on, trouble is I've been hiding since I was 18 and now I'm nearly 33. So now it's even harder because basically I'm still living in a 18 year olds mind.

My anxiety has been absolutely horrendous today worst I've ever had it. Im talking to my fiancé again tho so that's a good thing.

Repeat the beat keep it sweet.
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#19

Postby HungryGhost99 » Sun Jan 08, 2017 6:40 pm

January 8th, 2017

Day 2

Yesterday was a good day. I went for an hour and a half walk with my dog and managed to get through the day without caving despite being alone. Went out in the evening with a friend to a bar and saw some live rock and roll. The place was packed and it felt good to get out in society.

Went for a shorter walk today because it's so damn cold! My class starts tomorrow at University and looking forward to that. Also thinking about starting attending a local Toastmasters on Tuesday nights. If you've never heard of it, Toastmasters is an international organization and meeting club that helps you develop confidence as a public speaker and in leadership. I think it might also be a great way to make social connections.

As I said, I've been reading Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins. I'm just at the part where he's talking about replacing old habits with new ones in order to end the old habit. I think the key for me is meditation. He says that the replacing habit must generate as much pleasure as the old habit. Makes sense. I'm hoping with enough time, the meditation will generate pleasure. I have trouble being consistent but I'm going to try.

Every time you give in to an old habit, you are strengthening the neural pathways in your brain associated with that habit. By being mindfully aware of your urges and paying attention compassionately, you can literally rewire your brain networks with consistent effort. Dr. Gabor Mate's book taught me this. I highly recommend it.

Thanks for reading and until tomorrow, take care.
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#20

Postby HungryGhost99 » Mon Jan 09, 2017 11:33 pm

January 9th, 2017

Day 3

Went to my first class at University for this term. Looks like its going to be a lot of work but I'm up for the challenge and it looks like really interesting material. It's a course on National Cinema and we will be studying Australian, Japanese and Brazilian cinema. After school went out and got myself an iPad Air 2 with a keyboard to use with class. It's really great and should be helpful.

Didn't think about weed once... Keeping busy helps. Should be no problem over the next little while staying abstinent, but who knows? It can really creep up on you... Just when you think you are strong a situation will arise that can trigger it.

Until tomorrow, take care.
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#21

Postby S.W.L » Tue Jan 10, 2017 8:04 am

Good on you Hungry Ghost keep up the good work.
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#22

Postby dillyp70 » Tue Jan 10, 2017 9:22 am

S.W.L wrote:Hey Hungry Ghost.

Thanks for letting me know how you felt. I slept better last night which was a supplies as I slept through the day, I'm sweating like mad all night tho and the mad dreams have started, my eating has pick up a little too. I was a heavy user since 18 and now 32, never smoked joints only buckets bongs and pipes before I quit I was smoking around a 1/4 every 4 days.

I was never an anxious person when I was young just full of confidence and loved a good party. Now tho I never wanna go anywhere and feel like the whole world in against me, I have a beautiful fiancé who supports me 100% and does her very best even tho she doesn't quite understand, she really has been my rock.

I will power on through this hard time and be the boucncing bublley man I used to be.

Cheers
Will keep posted


Reminds me so much of my story am 30 and smoked since 13/14 years of age.
I now hate the stuff am on day one today altough i made 3 weeks before i dont think i was ready to quit.
I feel this time i am i to have a beautiful fiance and two little boys i am wasting so much money that i feel they are now missing out on things.
I have booked a holiday for us in August and thats my new goal to put the £80 per week on that instead.
I no i can do it and reading peoples storys really helps me no i am not alone.
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#23

Postby S.W.L » Tue Jan 10, 2017 5:30 pm

Hey HungryGhost.

It's absolute torture coming off the weed, people don't realise the effect it actually has on you. I'm trying to get away next weekend but not sure if that will happen. All the support helps a lot because we know what each other is going through. Keep it up bud
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#24

Postby HungryGhost99 » Wed Jan 11, 2017 2:43 am

January 10th, 2017

Thanks for the replies, guys. Your support and input means a lot.

Day 4

Had a great day today. I'm starting to fill my days and evenings with new, positive habits that will replace the weed.

First of all, I've now meditated for 4 days straight. Thanks to awmm301116 for recommending the app Headspace... It's great.

Second, I went to my first Toastmasters meeting tonight. Really enjoyable despite putting myself out there in the public speaking arena. Best of all, I won an award for "Best Table Topics" speaker. Table Topics are things that you are put on the spot after being given a question on a certain topic. You have a certain amount of time to give a response. People vote on the best one. Surprisingly, I won. Really encouraging and will definitely return next week.

Also, saw La La Land today at my local movie theatre. The place was packed and I thought it was an incredible movie. Should win more awards (already won some Golden Globes). Highly recommended.

No thoughts of getting stoned. Don't ever want to return to it but I realize that cravings fluctuate.

Thanks for reading.. See you tomorrow. :D
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#25

Postby Hopefulforchange » Wed Jan 11, 2017 8:20 am

HungryGhost99 wrote:January 10th, 2017

Thanks for the replies, guys. Your support and input means a lot.

Day 4

Had a great day today. I'm starting to fill my days and evenings with new, positive habits that will replace the weed.

First of all, I've now meditated for 4 days straight. Thanks to awmm301116 for recommending the app Headspace... It's great.

Second, I went to my first Toastmasters meeting tonight. Really enjoyable despite putting myself out there in the public speaking arena. Best of all, I won an award for "Best Table Topics" speaker. Table Topics are things that you are put on the spot after being given a question on a certain topic. You have a certain amount of time to give a response. People vote on the best one. Surprisingly, I won. Really encouraging and will definitely return next week.

Also, saw La La Land today at my local movie theatre. The place was packed and I thought it was an incredible movie. Should win more awards (already won some Golden Globes). Highly recommended.

No thoughts of getting stoned. Don't ever want to return to it but I realize that cravings fluctuate.

Thanks for reading.. See you tomorrow. :D


Sounds like you're replacing your old habits with something productive/healthy. Congratulations, I know you can do it HungryGhost.
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#26

Postby HungryGhost99 » Thu Jan 12, 2017 12:51 am

January 11th, 2017

Thanks, Hopefulforchange, for your support.

Day 5

Another busy day. Went to school for my course and enjoyed that. It's going to be challenging but I'm up for it.
On my way to an appointment this morning, I turned on the car radio and the song "Dreams" by the Cranberries started playing from the beginning. This may sound strange, but I felt that it was a synchronous moment and that the song was playing for me and my life situation. I feel like I'm taking the steps towards my dreams and ambitions and getting closer every day. Tomorrow I'm going back to work for two days this week. This will be my least favourite part of the week because its not a job I'm totally enthusiastic about but I realize it helps pay the bills.

One thing I've realized is that who you hang around with is very important to who you are. In the past I was hanging around with a lot of stoners and go-nowhere people who had no ambition or goals. Who you spend time with will ultimately build you, so I'm happy to say I've got these people out of my life and have started to make connections with the right kind of people.

Still feeling elated about Toastmasters last night. I recommend it to everyone.

Until tomorrow, thanks for reading.
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#27

Postby HungryGhost99 » Fri Jan 13, 2017 12:45 am

January 12th, 2017

Day 6

Made it to where I caved last time. I will definitely plow through it this time.
This is the time span where I sometimes start to feel deeper desire to smoke, I realize.
There is too much good going on in my life right now though to revert back to my old ways.
I look around the forum and realize that I have it a lot easier than a lot of folks out there.
Many feel intense anxiety, cravings, depression and ill ease. I've been there in the past though.
I've been practicing at quitting for a few years now and most of those symptoms have quieted down.
I want you to realize that it will for you too if you give it time.
I know I'm only early in my quit but I have to say it is relatively easy for me. The only thing that hampers me is when an urge to smoke arises out of absolutely nowhere.
I had thoughts of abandoning my chosen path (pursuing my education) a few times today. These are moments of anxiety and they may well have to do with withdrawal. But... No pain, no gain.

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." - Maxwell Maltz

See you tomorrow. :)
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#28

Postby Hopefulforchange » Fri Jan 13, 2017 2:01 am

HungryGhost99 wrote:January 12th, 2017

Day 6

Made it to where I caved last time. I will definitely plow through it this time.
This is the time span where I sometimes start to feel deeper desire to smoke, I realize.
There is too much good going on in my life right now though to revert back to my old ways.
I look around the forum and realize that I have it a lot easier than a lot of folks out there.
Many feel intense anxiety, cravings, depression and ill ease. I've been there in the past though.
I've been practicing at quitting for a few years now and most of those symptoms have quieted down.
I want you to realize that it will for you too if you give it time.
I know I'm only early in my quit but I have to say it is relatively easy for me. The only thing that hampers me is when an urge to smoke arises out of absolutely nowhere.
I had thoughts of abandoning my chosen path (pursuing my education) a few times today. These are moments of anxiety and they may well have to do with withdrawal. But... No pain, no gain.

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." - Maxwell Maltz

See you tomorrow. :)


I'm happy for you that you're handling it well.

P.S: I really like that quote.
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#29

Postby HungryGhost99 » Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:24 pm

January 13th, 2017

Thanks Hopefulforchange. Its encouraging to know that someone is actually reading this sh** :)

1 Week (Day 7)

Happy to reach the one week mark today.

What is it this addictive urge that causes one to repeat things he or she knows deep down he doesn't really want to do?
Why is it so hard to quit smoking weed for long-term smokers? Is it fear of change? Lack of will? Pleasures outweighing the pains? I have been trying to quit now for about 8 years, never successful in the long run, but always ending up back at square one.

Journaling helps, I find. Putting your thoughts down and then having the ability to read back over your journey is very beneficial.

I'm having thoughts of using tonight. For example, I consider reconnecting with an old smoking friend. Then I realize that smoking is really the only thing we have in common. I'm feeling some anxiety about my course as well and when that tension builds, I tend to want to find a release.

It's still early in my quit and I'm far from through the hardest parts, but I'm going to maintain my sobriety. Considering attending NA meetings too. I love reaching day 8... something about reaching day 8 feels good.

Thanks for reading.
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