I need help. I'm ready to end it all

Postby Rg1239 » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:34 am

This is a final resort for me. I have got myself into the most crazy insane messed up situation. Where do I start. I have what from the outside looks like the best ever relationship with my partner we've bin together 5 years now and we have a beautiful 2 year old son together. But there's one big issue that's haunted me for as long as 15 years now. I'm mixed race my father is half Jamaican half white and my mother is white. My partner is also mixed race but she is half Jamaican half white. It seems like the most ridiculous thing ever but iv lied to her about the amount of black I have in me as I have the appearance of a darker person who is maybe half black like my partner, but I am only a quarter black. So for the whole time we've been together iv just gone along with that I'm half black. iv avoided her meeting my dad and some of my brothers who's appearances are a lot lighter than me almost look white. Iv avoided her meeting my dad because I can't cope with the shame I have bought to my self with this stupid lie. Plus the fact my fathers appearance is more Indian/Asian looking on first impression which is making me think that maybe she won't believe my fathers actual race . the pain and anguish I feel inside for keeping this up for so long is unbearable. I can't go on any longer I don't how iv managed to keep it up for so long it's killing me inside the situation is ridiculous there's no one I can talk to about it in my actual life. My partner is so amazing she doesn't deserve this one bit I can't live with the guilt any longer she knows there's something wrong because she raises the issue that she hasn't met most of my family and we've been together 5 years. My dad is also baffled that he hasn't met the mother to his grandchild I just hate myself for it. It's our sons birthday in 3 weeks and she's planning a party for our son I can't bear to think how it's going to play out when my dad turns up and she finally meets him in front of all her family and friends and everyone then sees that I haven't been honest about who I am I just don't know how too tell her the truth before this scenario plays out. I know I'm more than likely going to loose her and everything when she finds out the truth. I feel like now the only option iv got is too take my own life as selfish and disgusting as it is but I jus can't live like this anymore I'm living with chronic depression and know body knows I hide it so well I don't know if I can live with the shame once she finds out. This is the first time iv ever spoke about this to anybody. Is there anyone who could offer me any help or advice please Im begging u PLEASE
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 05, 2017 2:59 pm

You say, "Honey, can I talk to you for a second. Listen, my dad will be here in 3 weeks. I want you to know, I lied to you about his race, because I was embarrassed. I don't know why I was embarrassed, but I was and so I made a stupid mistake. I love you."

DONE. You have solved your problem in 30 seconds.

Your amazing partner will not give a rat's a$$. Every person on earth has lied about something they were embarrassed about in their life.
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#2

Postby Rg1239 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 12:57 pm

I wish it was so easy as that. I'm just afraid that I'm gonna loose her and everything we have and just made too look like a complete liar to her her and her family I kno her mom will never want to speak to me also her brothers too ,also to my family once it comes too light. We have a trip booked to Paris st the weekend I'm hoping I can find the courage too tell her then. Thank you for your reply Richard@DecisionSkills it means a lot it's the first time iv ever spoke about this too any one.
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#3

Postby SadnotBad » Fri Jan 06, 2017 7:42 pm

You are soooo much more than your ethnic group or should I say man made ethnic groupings. We as human beings are so mixed up genetically that how your biological make up decides to makes it's visual appearance, may well surprise you.

I am of Jamaican parentage with a mother whose grandfather was half Scottish. I then went on to marry a mixed race man. We divorced but not before having two children - one of whom looks mixed, the other one does not. Therefore most people automatically think that my children have two different fathers which can be quite painful for all of us as the world is so caught up in how things look rather than how things are. And to makes things (appear) even worse my ex husband looks more fully Caucasian as he has aged.

My point is that as painful as your situation may be to you, you are loved just as you are by your partner and your lovely little child and............... who will fill that void, that vacuum you will leave in this world if your not here? So if what you and your partner have is real it will weather this current storm regarding the appearance of your extended family.

By the way my marriage ended for completely different reasons and not because of the different colour of my children and despite the end of our marriage my ex husband never ever doubted our youngest sons parentage.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 06, 2017 8:12 pm

Rg1239 wrote:I wish it was so easy as that.


Well, it actually is that easy. Only in your mind it is some huge hurdle.

Truly, once you tell her and discover it was not a big deal, I hope you take the time to reflect on how you used your own mind, a fantasy in your head, to control your life.
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#5

Postby Rg1239 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 9:38 pm

@sadnotbad thank you for your reply this is the first time speaking about my issues and your words have gave me some hope and comfort knowing you have experienced issues with race and appearance with your family thank you so much.
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#6

Postby Rg1239 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 9:45 pm

I am definitely hoping to work towards understanding how iv become a prisoner to this issue through my own thoughts and mind. I'm going to open up about this issue to my partner I hope and pray she does just see it as a minor issue and we can move forward and that she doesn't hate me for it an we can never get over it. Thank you again @richard. Just being able to talk about this issue I feel some weight off my shoulder as iv dealt with this issue for over 15 years and this is the first time ever opening up about it
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#7

Postby S.W.L » Fri Jan 06, 2017 10:31 pm

Hey Rg.

Why is it such a big deal why you didn't tell your partner in the first place? And if you've been together for five years and have a child does that not tell you how much in love you both are? I think you just need to relax and explain the situation to her instead of getting your self so work up in such a worried state about it. Hope it all works out for you pal.
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#8

Postby Rg1239 » Sat Jan 07, 2017 6:59 am

S.W.L wrote:Hey Rg.

Why is it such a big deal why you didn't tell your partner in the first place? And if you've been together for five years and have a child does that not tell you how much in love you both are? I think you just need to relax and explain the situation to her instead of getting your self so work up in such a worried state about it. Hope it all works out for you pal.



Hey thanks for you advice. I think the problem is deep rooted and goes back to my early teens.. I remember growing up and my friends meeting my dad and they would assume on first impression he was of Indian/Asian descent (he's actually half Jamaican Half white) and some my friends would make fun and make racist jokes too me, u know the usual your dads a paki etc etc and this would really hurt because around my area is was common that people were quite racist towards Asian people they weren't popular and was the butt of all the jokes. So I use to avoid people meeting my father because this and iv just carried it through too adulthood (I'm 32 now) and let it kinda get me into this messed up situation with my partner. It hurts to still feel this way about my dads appearance he's a good man and it kills me that I hide him from my partner he's not always been a great father to me but has changed a lot and wants to play a role in my child's life, thanks again for taking time to talk to me it feels so good just to open up about this. Cheers mate
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#9

Postby S.W.L » Sat Jan 07, 2017 9:20 am

Hey rg

Don't let narrow minded people do this to you, you have a lovely partner and child to think about, could you not try sitting her down and just explain how you feel and that it's been bothering you for many years. I'm sure she loves you to bits and will help you resolve this problem no matter what it takes. Good look pal
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#10

Postby Rg1239 » Sat Jan 07, 2017 11:42 pm

Thanks s.w.l I really hope so. Hope she loves me enough not to think anything of it. What's bothering me is that we have a party for my sons 3rd birthday and all her friends and family are going to meet my father for the first time and they all think that I'm half black when in reality I'm only quarter black, which is probably going to be embarrassing for her because all her family and friends also think I'm half black and not only a quarter so she's going to look like a liar to her family and friends, as when any of them ever asked about my race she has always told them I'm half black. I know it seems so ridiculous and petty but it's eating me up me so bad that I just feel like I need end it all I kno her family and friends will look at me as a complete idiot
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#11

Postby S.W.L » Sun Jan 08, 2017 9:36 am

Hey rg.

It really sounds to me that your just a really sensitive person and clearly love your partner dearly, however what your explaining to us is just a little problem that can be easily solved, there's no need to beat yourself up about something so little. If people don't understand and think your a liar then you don't need them type in your life. Sit your partner down and get it all off your chest you'll feel like a new man and have a lovely life ahead of you. Keep your chin up man and get smiling. Good luck
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#12

Postby Rg1239 » Mon Jan 09, 2017 7:19 pm

I just can't Seem to do this every time I try I keep freezing the words just won't physically leave my lips. The despair not knowing how she will react is too much i just feel like disappearing
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#13

Postby cynthialeighton » Mon Jan 09, 2017 11:31 pm

Speak from the heart. It's okay to freeze along the way.
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#14

Postby S.W.L » Tue Jan 10, 2017 5:32 pm

Hey Rg.

How you dog today have you managed to talk to your partner yet? Don't beat yourself up man get it out you'll feel so much better. You can do it
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