Many questions regarding mental health, social, bully etc.

Postby aWs9 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 1:05 am

Hello everyone,

Before starting this topic I would like to ask not to feel obliged to answer, if for some reason you don't want to reply to my thread because of the information within this topic or because I'm still new to this forum then please don't reply I've scrolled through this forums a bit and seen that there are many people that should be replied to instead of me.

Background information about me

I am a 19 years old male student. Currently studying for my bachelor degree. I'm in my second year. I don't quite know what to do with my life and have some questions regarding unhappiness, bullying and socializing.

Unhappiness
Over the past 2 to 3 years I've been experiencing unhappiness. The reason being that I'm not referring to it as depression is that I haven't experienced any tendencies to self hurt nor suicide. Basically what I experience is feeling hopeless, no future, I don't feel like I would fit in / enjoy any job and I have no motivation for education, I also see life as meaningless. However, on the other hand I do fear death. Futhermore I am considered to be a pessimist by people closest to me; I only think of things negatively as example I will take my perspective on humanity: In my opinion humanity does not deserve life, it's evil, ignorant and only acts in its own interests (me included) I myself see myself as a realist. Whenever I have free time I often literally do nothing but refresh my youtube page looking for videos. I used to watch movies. However, I recently experienced each time I watch a movie I get unhappy afterwards.

Strangely enough I do experience small moments of happiness, this happiness comes in the form of materials. Whenever I buy something new I experience happiness. This happiness only last for a short period time and eventually fades away. E.g. I once bought a new piano which made me happy. However, after a couple of days I realized I would never be considered a good musician, which made me unhappy again. Each time I somehow feel happy, the unhappiness and negativity always takes over eventually.

Don't like social interaction

I have never really enjoyed socializing, I always avoid parties, make up excuses when somebody invites me over for a party etc. The last time I hanged out with friends was over 6 to 7 months ago. In this time span I made up excuses each time they invited me. Whenever I do go to a party I get a weird anxious feeling in my stomach hours before hand. Once I'm at the party this feeling is gone. However, I don't feel quite comfortable and don't speak much. After consuming a lot of alcohol I start enjoying it a bit up untill the point we go to a club.

Weird feeling in stomach

The majority of the nights I have issues sleeping, often this is caused by a weird feeling in the stomach which causes me to turn a lot. On average it takes about 2 hours for me to fall asleep. Rare occasions it takes 4 hours for me to fall asleep. This same feeling in the stomach sometimes occurs when I almost arrive at the busstop and think about how I should uncheck (in the Netherlands they have cards which you have to check in and out when entering/exiting the bus).

The questions I have:

1.) What causes unhappiness and depression?

2.) How can I find happiness without looking for it in the form of materials?

3.) Why don't I like socializing, what causes this avoiding behaviour?

4.) Is it normal that I do not like social interaction or should I force myself into it so I might enjoy it eventually?

5.) I've always felt bullied when I was in beginning of high school at the age around 12-15. However, the strange thing is that I cannot remember a specific situation in which I felt bullied by a person yet I do know the persons who bullied me, why is it that I can not remember the specific situations I felt bullied?

5.) What is the reason being for this weird feeling in the stomach? I've read it could be stress. However, I don't feel like I'm stressed about anything major.

6.) When this weird feeling first occured when I tried to sleep I started to "wiggle" my body a bit, this made this feeling go away which allowed me to fall asleep. Unfortunately this no longer works. Are there any other ways I could get rid of this feeling and sleep much faster?

7.) Why do I get this weird feeling when thinking about checking out at the bus whilst the feeling in the stomach is less before presenting in front of a small group of people?

8.) How can I become motivated for my education? As of now I study last minute because if I don't succeed my study I will have study debts. If I do get my degree the debts will be gifted instead. I want to have the motivation to start early on with studying and actually attend classes instead of skipping the majority of them.


I hope it is not too much to ask,
Please don't feel obliged to reply.

Kind regards,
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#1

Postby federico91 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 3:03 am

Maybe you do not do what you like, maybe you study something because of commitment, and not because you really like it, it is not born from the depths of your being, you feel it as something imposed as something you should do and not as something you want to do, duty Is always something imposed, it is like a burden, an obligation and you can usually enjoy something whenever you do it because you like it, because it motivates you, because it is a challenge to do it beyond the difficulties and because you want to overcome those difficulties , For example if you want to learn to play the guitar, at first you will find many difficulties you can feel bad because there are a lot of expert guitarists and it takes a lot of practice, time and dedication, the same dedication that is needed to study and approve all subjects Of a university career, there are millions of people in the world, less than half have a university degree and the same works, and earn money, so it is not synonymous with happiness to have a university degree, nor is synonymous with having a lot of money , Many people have money for the work they do and do not have any university degree,

Some of the things that can make you happy is to help other people, the first thing is to do what you like, what you want, the second is to help people in what you can
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#2

Postby aWs9 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 11:47 pm

@Federico91

Thank you very much for your reply. I've done a lot of research before chosing the particular study I've chosen. Nothing really interested me. The only reason that I've picked the one I follow now is because the salary is somewhat promising. I've had a total of 3 jobs in the past, dish washer, order picker and Boat rental. None of which I enjoyed and quit because of it. I've never liked work and never experienced or seen something that might interest me. Is it common that nobody likes work or am I in the minority? People around me often tell me that I should pursue my talents (Don't have any useful ones though) instead, why are they saying this? Isn't enjoying something more important than being good at it?

As for the second part (helping other people), I've never really felt happier whenever I helped someone or made someone else feel good, don't really know why that is. Generally I'd rather be alone than be with people.

Thank you again for your reply, I really appreciate it.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jan 07, 2017 1:50 am

aWs9 wrote:...Generally I'd rather be alone than be with people.


Which means if you want to function in society, you work on socializing.

You are not alone. The digital age seems to have created an entire generation of people that spend a significant amount of time isolated, or spending time with digital relationships through a computer screen.

To be more social, you socialize. You make it a formal goal to get out and spend time with others. It isn't about liking it or not. If you liked it you would not be posting in this forum. It is about overcoming the dislike, by getting out of your comfort zone and forcing yourself to form real life friendships.

Probably the easiest way is to couple socializing with some activity you normally like doing alone. Join a hiking or biking club, etc. Don't allow yourself to be isolated. Get out of your home, apartment, dorm room, etc.
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#4

Postby federico91 » Sat Jan 07, 2017 6:32 am

I think it is necessary to find a balance and be able to enjoy the solitude, and at the same time enjoy the company with other people, I think it is necessary to find a balance in everything, to seek the Tao, A balance between activity and rest, between words and silence.
I also think that happiness or well-being is always in the process of any activity, it is better to enjoy the process without waiting for a result to be happy or to be well.

earn a lot of money, I do not know if there is a lot of motivation to study something, Because you can make a lot of money, but then what do you do with the money? In addition to buying food, clothing, paying rent, services?

Perhaps it is a quest guided by the survival instinct, But usually people seek to live, feel life, and life is always "here and now", It is important to have goals, projects and objectives, long and medium term, But it is even more important to enjoy step by step, in the pursuit of those objectives

For example in love, which is a very important aspect of human life, Can not be the goal, to find a couple, to have children, and to see them grow and just hope to be happy, it is assumed that one has to enjoy the whole process, to know a person, to share moments together and later if things work, think about having children

I think the secret of life is to enjoy moment to moment, having a path, an address, a goal, but always, enjoy the path traveled

What can you tell me about your love life ?, generates enthusiasm, joy, interest in overcoming you, in conquering some man or woman? Undoubtedly all generate feelings of pain, bitterness, suffering, and it is an aspect that we sometimes try to ignore, forget, nevertheless love is always present, as a possibility to find meaning in life, sometimes we have conflicts By bad experiences of love, or by the oedipus complex, which was not overcome, and which influences the relationships of couple, but I think that as a person grows and matures, inevitably he is attracted to other women or men of Same matures, and it always proves a challenge, try to find a couple, it's fun, I do not know, you can tell me about love and how you feel and live.
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#5

Postby aWs9 » Sun Jan 08, 2017 12:30 am

Thank you Richard and Federico for your replies.

@Richard.
I might give it a try, never really forced myself into doing anything I dislike, but perhaps it might have positive results. Wouldn't know how to begin though. As you mentioned about coupling with an activity I usually like doing alone is difficult as there aren't many things I like doing. Most are digital etc. E.g. gaming, watching movies, watching tv shows, videos. Aside from that I "play" piano, but that is about it. There isn't much I can talk about with people either, my life is pretty boring so nothing much about me to talk about. I'm also never really interested in other people or generally don't care what they do. Highly likely I won't do anything about it though, (Risk avoidance) which is quite ironic as my study partly focusses on entrepreneurship. Thank you again for your reply.

@Federico the motivation regarding money comes from the family I come from. My parents were divorced 10+ years ago leaving my mother alone taking care of 4 children whilst having a part-time job. Over the years I could feel my mother was and still is struggling with money. Therefore, in a way I don't want this situation myself, and I want to repay her. Also since I've experienced short periods of hapiness when buying things money will eventually give me hapiness as well aside from no more financial worries.

In the past I've set myself goals and objectives. Never have I achieved the goal. E.g. mastering Piano, starting studying weeks before instead of a day before. And so on. This made me realize that setting myself goals only gives the opposite effect of what people say goals will do.

As for my love life, it is non existent. I'm insecure, no confidence, don't know why but surely being bullied in the past must have contributed to this. Thank you again for your reply Federico.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jan 08, 2017 1:54 am

aWs9 wrote:@Richard.
I might give it a try, never really forced myself into doing anything I dislike,
....many things I like doing. Most are digital etc. E.g. gaming, watching movies, watching tv shows, videos.


Yep, a very common problem. People live a digital existence and then struggle socially so they avoid it...

There is no magic formula for dealing with such an issue. If you want to bake bread, you learn by baking. If you want to speak publicly, you practice speaking public. If you want to be able to lift a lot of weight, you lift weights. If you don't want to have social problems, you socialize. No magic, no secret.

It's like asking, "How can I get six pack abdominal muscles, but no pain please."

The answer, you can't. You can waste a ton of money on gimmicks, you can read all sorts of Internet articles that will waste your time, but at the end of the day there is but one thing you can do, get to exercising. The same goes for you avoiding social interaction.
Last edited by Richard@DecisionSkills on Sun Jan 08, 2017 1:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
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#7

Postby federico91 » Sun Jan 08, 2017 3:07 am

I think that social interaction over the internet and through technology can be very positive, Provided that it is used appropriately,

Although the face-to-face interaction is richer because it involves facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, through the internet it has the benefit that people can respect times and distances more easily, sometimes when one is with A person physically close at times maybe one does not know what to say and they form uncomfortable silences, through the internet those silences are more allowed, because each person has his own occupations, I do not know, it has its advantages and disadvantages, sometimes socializing with A person face to face can be difficult and unsatisfactory for example if the person is absent, or if he is pending his cell, what determines the satisfaction of a relationship is the quality of the presence you have, mutual interest
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#8

Postby TheCloud » Tue Jan 10, 2017 6:02 am

I suggest that your difficulties are emotional. Emotions are necessary for connecting with people and finding passion for life. However, some people have a natural difficulty in handling their emotions, and if they do not learn how to do so, they end up as you are; pessimistic and withdrawn. Emotions are not the only necessary thing, but I think they are what you are most lacking.

People in your position often develop a disdain for emotions. Do you have a disdain for emotional thinking, and if so, why?
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#9

Postby Livetowin » Wed Jan 18, 2017 5:44 pm

Hi aWs9. You have allot of questions, but most kids your age do...and should. Lets start with the one I read the most about...

Unhappiness and depression - I think you have to look at these two terms as two entirely different issues. Lets take me for example. I was happy Sunday until the Dallas Cowboys lost in a heart-breaker to the Green Bay Packers. I was quite unhappy after that point because my favorite team had spent so much time getting back into a position to win playoff games again, then this happened. But you know what? It's just a game. Whether they win it all or lose it all, my life goes on. I accepted the outcome and by the next day I was just fine. I also have a full life outside of sports. That is a hobby, not my life. I have a wife, kids, and even a grandson. So before we can talk about the issues of life that can make us "unhappy" you first have to weigh the merits of where you sit in the middle of everything that comes at you each day.

Your state of mind is based upon your ability to assess and weigh the merits of everything around you and where you fit in. Right now you are a 19 year old young man going to college, studying to be something of relevance later. I'm 52, so let me give you a little peak up the road and around the corner - You're not supposed to have life's answers taken care of at your age or even know what the hell you're going to end up doing. Emotionally and psychologically you are fresh clay and life is still molding you. Don't get lost in the minutia of "What does it all mean?" So happiness, unhappiness, sadness, stress, uncertainty... They are all there. Hell I could give you all kinds of emotional schematics that might make you run in and never come out again, but that won't do you any good. We are human beings. We have an emotional register, but we also have a mind that must invest in WHY we feel what we feel and gain an understanding of who we are.

Let me tell you now what no one ever told me at your age. Happiness comes from the inside out, not from the outside in. At your age, you are still at that developmental stage of learning and growing yourself. You're trying to set yourself up for that next stage where you go into the world and essentially care for yourself. Where does confidence come from? Demonstrated ability. This is why you learn. This is why you develop yourself. So you can go into the world and operate with everyone else. Along the way you find out what it is you want to do and shape yourself into the individual you will become. Right now you are suffering from paralysis from over analysis. You are looking at things too closely and need to step back about ten paces and get a broader view of life. Happiness is not something tangible you get. It's the culmination of setting goals and reaching them. You need goals right now. You need to set a standard for yourself and go after something that is a challenge. That's how you find out what you like and what you don't like. It also gives you a better understanding of what you do that others don't. And that can be better or worse. You're just drawing the map right now to see where you sit. That's part of where confidence starts, by understanding your surroundings. When you understand your playing field, you gain a broader view of what options you have to utilize.

Confidence is also an enormous measure of how one feels when they encounter a person or share a room with one or more people. If you are unsure of who you are then it equally plays to the uncertainty you feel when you see others. Your footing is not strong when you are not confident in how you relate or what the outcome of that interaction will be. Why does it work that way? Because you have no confidence in your own voice. You become afraid that your views may not match theirs and you don't want the confrontation (assuming there would be one anyway) because your unsure of where you stand anyway. So nothing that you said, sounds out of the ordinary. You just look at it and deem it ABNORMAL because you are thinking what is out there is BETTER than what is inside yourself. You have to understand that everyone is a player. But its not how it looks to them, it's how it looks to YOU. Where you stop is by thinking what you think is without merit so you stay away. You have merit. Go out there and find people you like to be with. You can;t know that unless you meet them and get to know who they are. The social page does not count. But that is a question I must ask. Do you spend allot of time on Facebook or some like-minded social channel?
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#10

Postby JuliusFawcett » Wed Jan 18, 2017 6:26 pm

All the happiness that you could ever enjoy is already within you. The barriers to allowing this happiness to flow are thought patterns to do with fear, anger, jealousy, blame, guilt, tension, stress, sorrow, resentment and criticism.

When we let go of these negative thought patterns, happiness flows more easily.
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