Advice for my Grand daughter?

Postby BlondeGirl18 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 1:36 am

Sorry if this is posting in the wrong section but it can relate to my problem. This is a long and complicated one.

I am a grandma who loves her granddaughter immensely. She moved out of her mother's house because they didn't get a long and she was emotionally abusive to her.

I took her in and I didn't mind it because I felt bad for her. She's 20 now and moved in with me around 17/18 years. The first 6 months to a year were fine but I was noticing the behaviors that probably made her mom upset. She is very lazy and doesn't help around the house. I ask her to unload the dishwasher and while she does it takes her a while to get to it. She does have ADHD and stopped taking medications years ago because they made her anxious and sick. So, her memory isn't the best. Possibly anxiety or some other mental problems. She has told me she doesn't mind helping around the house it's just she's not used to it because her parents did everything for her. Also she feels in the way and anxious so that's another reason why she doesn't pitch in.

She struggled in 11th grade with her grades and teachers have emailed me that she refuses to do her homework especially with Math because she has always struggled alot with Math. Not only this but the teachers have also stated that she is very uncomfortable at school and refuses to make eye contact. The counselor call me and told me she was wanting to be called AJ which I found strange. She's always hated her name and to this day talks about how much she hates it and that to doesn't feel like her. She wants a boys name instead She told me she gives up on everything because she's tired of failing. She ended up taking Summer school for Math after 11th grade and worked hard to finish it. I'm proud of her and all.

While all this was going on I was noticing her wardrobe was changing drastically. She always wanted to wear boy clothes and cut her hair like a boy. She was a little like this when she was young. now, I don't mind her looking like a tomboy but now it's gotten to the point she doesn't look like a girl at all and refuses to wear anything associated with girls. I'm frustrated because SHE IS a girl and should look like one especially for job interviews, but she'd rather wear a suit.

In 2014 she worked for her dad and did a good enough job but many people made comments about how she looked like a boy, her work clothes were boys. They even mentioned how she slouches and pulls her shirt away from her chest. I've been noticing this as well. She's always done this actually even when she was younger. Getting her to fix her hair and wearing dresses was a battle. I put her in a dress once and she kicked and screamed. She had problems playing with girls and even told me that they were too much like sissies and she liked playing with boys. She felt good and right with them? She's always been a tomboy but it feels a bit extreme. When she was a child she got upset when she couldn't play with the boys or their toys. Her Halloween costumes were boys most of the time. Same goes for her birthday parties. She didn't mind girl things but preferred boy things. Playing with girls she was rough and wrestled them and I had to tell her that was a thing boys do. She cut off her hair when she was about 4 years because long hair made her uncomfortable.

Anyway, now that she's 20 years old she doesn't work or go to school. I've confronted her on it and she's told me she's anxious and doesn't feel like herself. She wants to live on her own but she says she's afraid and feels stuck because she apparently living a lie. I understand because she struggles with doing basic life skills like cooking, laundry, ect. Growing up she had everything done for her and she's spoiled but doesn't act like it. She feels like she can't thrive in life because she feels... "wrong" She always cuts herself down and says she wishes she could have a straight and slim body and no curves like a boys? and a few times I've washed her clothes and found some black tank top and this thing was very tight looking. Another time I found a sock in her boxers. I never questioned her about it. She's very secretive on her Facebook account and hides a lot of things from me, in general.

I have a daughter whom she talks to a lot and really acts friendly and social with. While with me she does do the same but gets very moody too. but I'm finding as time passes on she avoids me and lays down all the time. She has no passions or interests. Nothing motivates her. I found out a while ago she was lesbian from her mother. I'm upset by this and it does disgust me. Could this be why she's avoiding me? I know lesbians are sometimes masculine but are they this extreme? My daughter - the one she talks with - wasn't girly either but she did look like a girl. My grand daughter does not. At all. Once I overheard her using her webcam and talking to an online friend and she said to them that she wishes she could live life but she feels fake. Now she's coming to me asking for birth control because her periods are too heavy and they disgust her. She's always had problems with her appearance and the only people she's date are girls since childhood but even they don't get to cuddle her or anything. She feels uncomfortable with it.

I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive but I don't want to deal with her anymore.

She's 20 years old and needs to get it together. Being on your own is difficult but this is too much for me to handle. I'm old and don't understand these gays. Her cousins drive and she doesn't even do that. She's too scared of her ADHD and anxiety interfering. But I'm frustrated that all my grandchildren are living their lives and trying to be successful and make something of themselves but this one. Please help me. I'm desperate. Thank you. :|
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 06, 2017 4:36 am

BlondeGirl18 wrote:Anyway, now that she's 20 years old she doesn't work or go to school. She's 20 years old and needs to get it together.

You take her out to lunch.

At lunch you explain it is time for her to live on her own. I'm sure she doesn't have a ton of stuff. It is the start of the new year. Give her until the end of Jan. to find an apartment. Given she is anxious have your daughter help her find a place, or you can help her find a place. You pay for one months rent and the security deposit. Take her to the grocery and buy a few weeks of food. If you are feeling really generous agree to pay for whatever you are comfortable with, but no more than 3 months.

The sex stuff you simply leave it be for now. That is not your priority and just obscures where you need to focus. Your focus is getting her out and on her own. Don't agree to take her back in, etc.

It was nice you took her in, but at this point you are enabling her to be lazy. She will not get a job or grow up if she has grandmas food and grandmas house. Remove those, stop enabling her and she will grow up.
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Postby TheCloud » Tue Jan 10, 2017 4:58 am

If you read this link, it will help you to understand what is happening with your granddaughter. I understand that these things are difficult for you to understand, even with your experience and wisdom. Imagine how difficult it is for a 20 year old, who lacks both.
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