Should I help get her friends back ?

Postby BSG75 » Mon Jan 09, 2017 2:43 pm

Hi,

Over the last year to 18 montrhs, I have been a thoroughly unpleasant individual. I suffer crippling depression, and my Wife has been very controlling and isolating over the years. Nevertheless, I want to be there for my kids, and I have no idea how to start again, so for better or worse, I stick it out. That isn't going to change.

The things I have done have driven a lot of my Wife's friends away, and while I have none of my own, she misses them to the point of pining for them.

Should I write them each a letter apologising for what I have done ?

Or should I leave well alone ?

Many Thanks.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jan 09, 2017 4:21 pm

BSG75 wrote:The things I have done have driven a lot of my Wife's friends away, and while I have none of my own, she misses them to the point of pining for them.


Is that what your wife is telling you?

People do not typically stay away from a friend only because of a partner. They agree to meet and maintain the friendship independent of the partner. They meet for lunch, they talk on the phone, they go shopping together, they do things together without you being around.

If your wife wants to be friends and maintain friendships and make new friendships, she could. It sounds like she has lost friends and you are being blamed.

Should I write them each a letter apologising for what I have done ?

Or should I leave well alone ?

Many Thanks.


You don't talk to her friends. They are not your friends. It is not your role to put yourself in the middle. Instead, you talk with your wife. Your wife can then turn around and pass along whatever apology to her friends. Your wife can reach out to her friends and arrange lunches, shopping, phone calls, etc. etc.
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#2

Postby TheCloud » Tue Jan 10, 2017 3:50 am

What do you think happened that drove your wife's friends away?
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#3

Postby BSG75 » Tue Jan 10, 2017 9:37 pm

Her friends were always an integral part of my life. They weren't silod. They would be over all the time, I would be asked to do jobs for them like moving their house, they and their kids would have sleepovers. So I had close contact with them. It all started going wrong about 12 months ago when in a discussion about friends, my wife said she had spoken to the spouses of all her friends, and none wanted to go out for a drink with me because of "the way I am " in retrospect I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown, and strated doing weird and unacceptable things.

Apparently her friends have had enough of the hassle.

I'm not my wife's biggest fan, but she was heartbroken when nobody came to see us at Christmas.

I really should do something
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#4

Postby TheCloud » Wed Jan 11, 2017 12:36 am

Why are you so miserably depressed?
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jan 11, 2017 1:56 am

BSG75 wrote: ...They would be over all the time...my wife said she had spoken to the spouses of all her friends, and none...Apparently her friends have had enough of the hassle.

I'm not my wife's biggest fan, but she was heartbroken when nobody came to see us at Christmas.

I really should do something


And she blames you? Why didn't she go see her friends then? Why didn't she go over to their place and hang out with them during the Holidays instead of them coming to "see us"? Does she have ZERO responsibility in all of this? More than likely, you are not the sole cause of what is taking place with your wife and HER friends. What role has she played in her friends not wanting to come around?

The blanket statement that ALL of her friends or NONE, is a good indication that your wife is playing a bigger role in her personal relationships than you are. If you want to do something, have a conversation with your wife. Pick a specific friend or two that she would like to repair her relationship and encourage her to do so. Encourage your wife to get out of the house and meet these friends for a cup of coffee, shopping, etc.
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