Is he being demanding or am I being adamant?

Postby Laksnair » Sat Jan 14, 2017 3:27 pm

I am a separated woman. I have been apart from my husband for 10 months now. Meanwhile, I met a guy. He ravished me and fell in love with me. I love him back too. But I always maintained that i would not be officially with him until my divorce is discussed with my husband (we were waiting until December to see how we feel). I even tried to break it off with him so as not to cause him pain in the future.

The new guy said he is fine with that and he is willing to wait. During the course of my relationship with him, there were instances when both of us felt like we could not be more happier with anyone else. But there were also instances of both of us acting really crazy (walking out of pubs angry, leaving each others' houses etc.). Once he walked off because he was sleeping and I read an article in the other room instead of cuddling with him. I have also done pretty crazy things (googled girls who he said are hitting on him, mentioned his past too often etc.). He said (and I believed) it is because of the insecurity that comes with the situation.

But, now, I discussed the divorce with my estranged husband and the wheels are in motion. Now my boyfriend wants me to go public with our relationship. I am a bit concerned about this, since I did not even let more than a few people know about my separation itself. I would've preferred to announce it in due course rather than say "Hi, I am getting a divorce. By the way, I have a new boyfriend already." But he insists that and said we should breakup if he cannot have all of me. He thinks I am not doing this since I want to appear single in front of others (not true at all).

And this is really making me act out in ways I don't normally do. Like crying, running behind him in night clothes apologizing for not paying him attention to something he did etc. Last night, we got into an argument about the same (this time it was accidentally initiated by something annoying I said) and I even sat on the apartment floor so that he would listen to be before walking off. It made me feel very small.

My question is, is he right in making this demand or is he being controlling? I am just worried that he might keep making more demands if I keep saying yes to whatever he wants. Can this be fixed?
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jan 14, 2017 5:13 pm

Laksnair wrote:My question is, is he right in making this demand or is he being controlling? I am just worried that he might keep making more demands if I keep saying yes to whatever he wants.

You are worried, what about him?

He can't trust you and it is painfully aware to him that you value your public image more than you value him. Even if he doesn't want to think about it, he knows the fact is you separated from your husband to "wait and see" and you didn't wait. As soon as you found this love of your life you could have approached your husband and told him you wanted to finalize the divorce, but you didn't. That was your observable behavior. Then you drug it out 10+ months, sleeping with this guy while still married. Another thing he can easily observe.

No matter how many promises you make that he is different and you would not do the same to him, there is no way for him to truly believe that based on your observed behaviors. He can mentally try to deny it, but it will always be there. You have demonstrated and are continuing to demonstrate how you handle relationships, including sleeping with another man while "waiting to see", dragging out a divorce and hiding him from friends/family to protect your public image. He is worried.

So maybe he is being demanding, but can you really blame him?

Can this be fixed?

No. When a relationship is built on a week foundation it will fail. It will never be a strong, well built house, but rather a shack that is always in need of repair and falling apart. His need for control will always be there, because he can't really ever trust you. He will always be wondering why you are not cuddling with him.

When you eventually end this relationship, make it quick. Don't find another man while still waiting to see if this one will work out. And when you do find a new relationship, if you have nothing to hide then you won't feel the need to protect your public image.
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Postby TheCloud » Sat Jan 14, 2017 9:43 pm

You are both setting each other up for painful experiences in the future. You are already having painful experiences in the present, and unless you start doing something differently, they will get worse as you become more involved. You are crushing on this guy, and he is crushing on you, but those temporary and intense feelings are not a strong basis for a relationship. The reason that you two sometimes act crazy is because your relationship is based in craziness, and positive craziness can instantly change over to negative craziness without any effort at all.

I suggest that you take time to examine the failure of your marriage before deeply involving yourself in another hazardous relationship. Frequently walking out on each other and having difficulty communicating is a major warning sign. Be concerned.

That does not mean that it's impossible for things to work out with your new boyfriend. It means that you have to find a new basis for your relationship, in empathy and understanding and cooperation. Feelings change, waxing and waning. They are dynamic, not consistent. When feelings wane, if all you can do is walk out on each other, your relationship will not last and it will not bring you consistent contentment.

So what don't you understand about your boyfriend? What didn't you understand about your husband? Start there, and work your way outward.
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