Is my relationship over

Postby Whyme2282 » Sun Jan 15, 2017 8:48 pm

My boyfriend of 5 years is going to be running in a mud run in a few months. Usually I always go and run with him. However I cannot this year to to a sudden medical issues that won't heal in time.
So I found out that his ex wife is going to be running with him and his team. And he asked if I was going to watch. I said I wasn't sure. I found out that him and his friend were asking because then they wouldn't have to tell me she was racing too.
He knows I do not like his ex. They have no kids so I don't believe she should still be trying to talk to him let alone hang out with him. We have never got engaged or married because he now feels it is a piece of paper,but was okay marrying her.
He knows my feelings about her.
Needless to say I am pissed. Am I wrong here? I believe he should value my feelings first before agreeing to let her race with them knowing my feelings about it. I feel like he completely betrayed me for her. Thoughts?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jan 16, 2017 2:14 pm

Whyme2282 wrote:Needless to say I am pissed. Am I wrong here?


There really is not enough information. It really depends on the size of your community and the effort your boyfriend has put forth in arranging the ex-wife to participate on the team.

If we are talking about an ex-wife in a community of 8 million, like the city of Bogota then having your ex-wife join your team of mud runners is a bit odd. Running into her at the supermarket and being in the same social circles would be rare if ever. When a couple divorces in NYC, they can go the rest of their lives without ever seeing each other again.

But, if we are talking about a community of only 50,000 then undoubtedly you will have some of the same friends, interests, etc. The runner community will be smaller and you will be seeing each other again. When a mud run comes to town, there might not be a wide selection of available teams. If you both enjoyed bowling, then more than likely you are going to run into your ex-wife at one of the 3 bowling alleys in the entire community. If she is good at bowling and you want to win first prize, you might invite her on your team.

Mud running. That is a very specialized niche. It is a subset of the running community. My question to you is to what extent do you believe this ex-wife issue is a result of being in a small community in a specialized niche, and to what extent is it a result of your boyfriend going out of his way to maintain and share a relationship with his ex-wife?

More info on the overall dynamic of your relationship and overall community would help.
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#2

Postby Whyme2282 » Mon Jan 16, 2017 5:24 pm

The ex wife had to have his specific team information to join his specific team. So she got the details of the team from him and his friends as a way to join. She could have ran at any other time of day or by herself or with others. And he and one of his friends asked me if I was going to watch the race that day. I said I wasn't sure. So they never mentioned she was racing with them. My guess is so if I don't go they figured I wouldn't know. Myou boyfriend knows my feeling towards her and I feel liike he completely disregarded that
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jan 16, 2017 5:51 pm

Whyme2282 wrote:...My boyfriend knows my feeling towards her and I feel liike he completely disregarded that...


Why? What could possibly explain his behavior? Why might he feel the need to disregard your feelings?

Is it possible that you are driving your boyfriend away by having unrealistic expectations? I asked what are the dynamics going on in the community. You did not respond. You ignored that aspect of the question. If you are in a small community then maybe he is simply getting tired of this unrealistic request not to have any contact with his ex. Your constant protective mode has gotten old and so he is simply disregarding what he considers unreasonable.

Imagine living on a small island and because of your jealousy he needs to walk on glass. Him walking on glass, ignoring another person is respecting your feelings? He can't live on the island without running into his ex. They had a relationship, they are not enemies, she is a member of the community.

AND you even say she could have gotten the information about the team from a friend, not necessarily him. What, are his friends now not allowed to speak or associate with his ex either?

I understand you have low self-esteem and don't trust your boyfriend. That is clear enough. But how do your issues translate into him having to ignore another person? If you can't trust him, then you should not be in the relationship. If you can trust him, then it is your low self-esteem that expects he walks on glass for you and if he doesn't then you have the right to be pissed off.

Keep going down this path and see how it works out for you. It won't end well.
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#4

Postby Whyme2282 » Mon Jan 16, 2017 6:41 pm

We live in a large area. A city with immense population. And he has to approve the team so even if she got the info via a friend,he still has the final say so.
And in regards to her. She is constantly trying to find ways to reconnect with him. She tried messaging him on fb etc. Her own husband doesn't trust her. Neither do I. He knows I don't trust her or her antics and I don't thinkle e should be enabling it
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jan 16, 2017 7:06 pm

Whyme2282 wrote:We live in a large area. A city with immense population. And he has to approve the team so even if she got the info via a friend,he still has the final say so.
And in regards to her. She is constantly trying to find ways to reconnect with him. She tried messaging him on fb etc. Her own husband doesn't trust her. Neither do I. He knows I don't trust her or her antics and I don't thinkle e should be enabling it


You don't trust her on her antics...fair enough. Do you trust your boyfriend on his antics?

If you are not in a small community where it is impossible or unrealistic to avoid her, then it is reasonable to have the expectation they would not be maintaining any sort of relationship. It should be rather easy in a large area with an immense population to avoid if not downright eliminate contact.

What the above means is that your boyfriend is entertaining the relationship. Your boyfriend is enabling the relationship to continue. He could easily avoid her, but he is choosing not to...why? It takes effort to do so...as the saying goes, "It takes two to tango."

To me it looks like you are in an unfortunate lose/lose situation. A small community means your expectations are unreasonable, but a large community means your boyfriend is actively engaged in the relationship. Either way you are in a bad spot. The small community relates to you being jealous, while the large community relates to having a boyfriend that has his own antics, that is enabling and actively engaging with his ex.

Given it is a large community, you might want to stop focusing on her antics and start focusing on the antics of your boyfriend. Don't blame her as you are not with her, you are with him. Your focus needs to be on him and his part in this tango.

And then...most important of all...is once again reflect on yourself and why you would choose to be with a man that is willing to dance with his ex. Why would you not leave the situation? Currently it sounds like you have some expectation that if you could just get the ex out of the picture then somehow the underlying values and integrity of your boyfriend will change, but that is not true. If he is willing to entertain and enable this dance with his ex, then you need to reflect and consider why you want to be in such a relationship.
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#6

Postby Livetowin » Thu Jan 26, 2017 7:52 pm

You have EVERY right to be pissed off. You also every right to be moving on from this farce of a relationship if you think these indicators mean anything other than a man who is advertising a departure. I noted you've been with him for five years. Time can sometimes be a good marker on where we are going in a relationship. People often look upon marriage as the measuring stick of how close they are to sealing the deal. Unfortunately marriage is not the finishing line to anything other than what we label it to be at the moment it occurs.

A relationship is a very transient environment that, regardless of legality, will continue evolving and moving in various directions based on the strengths and weaknesses from both parties. If one or both parties can not agree on a singular value system to bond their commitment (be it in marriage or private vows they adhere to) then you really have a relationship that is susceptible to falling apart the longer you stay together.

Your partner deliberately tried to hide the fact his ex was going to be running that race. This action alone demonstrates he is falsely representing his intentions by manipulating what you see and trying to control the narrative when you see something he would rather you not. You can be damn sure if he has reached that position to impact what you see then something has happened in between to get him there. Irregardless it is a complete deception and you don't need to be asking any other questions to him so much as yourself.

Are you going to make him own his actions or are you going to somehow manifest his indiscretions upon yourself to keep the idealized version of him alive? Five years is more than long enough to determine whether you want to be with the person you have. If he is covering his actions with someone he use to have a sexual relationship with, you can be more than certain he has assessed your value and doesn't mind taking the risks to lose you to advance his agenda elsewhere. The only question left is whether you can be honest with yourself and see it as it is rather than something it no longer can be. He's right about one thing. Marriage can be seen as just a piece of paper...if that's all the relevance you want to make of it. Based on his failed track record I would trust his attitude about that and apply it to relationships in general.
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