wondering if I can help him or get out ?

Postby Girl303 » Wed Jan 18, 2017 4:50 am

HI, reading some forums, the advise is positive and supportive, factual and socially considered. I am looking for advice on my relationship with Guy.
We met 6 years ago, we are very attached to each other and yet he does not support my goals and hobbies, he wants me to give up painting, which i hold a Bachelor's degree in and graduated with honors. I do not make my money on art yet, and i say yet because i believe in myself and cannot change my wish to be a professional artist at all costs. However, i make my money in the service industry and have since my first job. Guy is quite rich, he grows medical weed and makes a good living. Because of this success in his business he is able to lead a more expensive lifestyle than i, and so he supports me. In a sense tho, He does not support me going to grad school for art he would tell me to give it up and grow weed like him. I am not too interested in horticulture even though i am proud of his success. However, over the years i have learned and helped him grow his business considerably and have sat through hundreds of hours of weed talks with him pouring his heart out to me about growing and such and such. He has never finished an art conversation with me, If i try to delve into art history, etc... some topic that i am thinking about he says it is over his head, boring, waste of time, ununderstandable, etc.. and stops listening. He does like a few of my paintings i suppose but he just thinks it is a hobby.
When i say he supports me, I mean only that he gives me a truck to drive, (he does not like my 15 year old truck) says i am safer in the newer vehicle, he pays the mortgage on his house that i live in, which he doesn't want rent money from me for, and he pays for things when we are together. However, I buy my own clothes, our groceries, gas, medical, insurance, student loans bills, and cell phone bill etc. i always have a bad feeling on being too dependent on him hence he control me so i keep these things separate.
I undoubtably love him dearly, but his temper and lack of interest in my interests is infuriating and I refuse to settle down when he badmouths me as an artist, a driver, an athlete, etc. He gets very critical and tries to change how, when, who, what i do on the daily. I am quite stubborn and never give in to this behavior and yet he will not quit. He sees his way as better and says that i do not listen to him. I do listen to reason and haven't had similar arguments with other friends and family in my past. He needs to respect me more and also give me space to live my life. We are dependent on each other, and none of our breakups have lasted over the years, and we have been breaking up typically once a year for all seven due to differences that cannot be resolved. And yet we cannot separate fully and end up back together.
Recently this year we attended a therapy session and after the first session he refused to go back. I wanted to go more but gave in because it was easier than fighting with him.
How can i get him to see that he needs to work on his relationship and even see that it is broken. He thinks he can tell me how to drive because he bought the truck, tell me when to clean because he owns the house and also refuse to do things i ask of him and I just need to know what approach to take. Do i flee, losing everything i have put into the home, relationship,, pets? Do I push him into therapy? Is art just a hobby since i do not have a paycheck from it yet? Should I refuse to drive my truck he bought me and go back to the older model to prove a point?

i have a deadline for graduate school applications due next month and I need to make a big decision. this is spurned on today by a typical yet ridiculous argument that is all too common in the car on the way to the ski hill. I drove to pickup spot in the truck he bought me. He dropped off his truck at oil change shop and i pulled out of parking lot. I decided to weave through a gas station parking lot rather than merge onto 2 lane and back into the walmart instead cut through parking lots. There are always cars going any which way in these situations and i was driving slow. too slow for his liking as he told me to speed up. I said no, i was going slow. I then stopped behind a car and waited for it to turn in front of me, also going to walmart. He pushed me to be right behind them as he did n't think my angle good enough. Remind you we are in a parking lot of gas station and no lines. I refuse, saying no, car will go and then i will go. While now arguing with him about his two very stupid and controllng driving tips in the gas station lot in under 1 minute i am now distracted and slow at a corner in the walmart back lot when i do not have a stop sign and this infuriates him. He starts commenting and i tell him to stop commenting on my driving as i am getting upset. WE are still however in a very slow walmart lot no where near danger. I start to drive towards the part of the lot he likes to park in, he is very particular about where he parks always, and as i drive towards the spot he cannot help himself from saying park over there, pointing at where i am already driving the car. This is just ludicrous and all to common sadly and i tell him to shutup. he does not of course and by this time i am parking near a yellow pole driving through to the second empty spot so you can pull out forward. He comments, fifth comment on driving in 4 minutes or less, that I almost sideswiped the yellow pole. Which i saw and, the vehicle upon driving straight through, had 2 feet between it and pole. I comment that he is the one who recently hit a pole when drunk(true story, 1 month before) and that i have never hit a large yellow pole and that i am very mad at his road rage controlling bs.
the day goes south. I am seething yet calm as i get in passenger seat and he goes in for errand. He comes back out i refuse to drive, he drives aggressively and annoyingly around town, we ski separate at the hill, not much is said, he offers food, i refuse saying id rather be alone, we run errands and drop back off at his truck. He then :oops: :oops: says to meet me at shop for work. I go into work , where he is the boss, quietly and peacefully unload the truckload of dirt and nutrients and then ask for key s to my truck to go home. He refuses to give them to me saying if i can't handle his criticism because i am a bad driver, i should move out he is breaking up with me. I leave without causing a scene. My day is ruined. My psyche is messed up. He will come home and ignore me and then pretend like nothing happened. He won't apologise ever and my only choice is to figure out how to make him deal with his anger and control issues with him as his partner, or leave, losing the life of 6 years, our dogs, house, friends. etc. what should i do?
I am on a precipice but have been teetering for five years, i am so mad at myself for the indecisiveness.
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Postby federico91 » Wed Jan 18, 2017 5:31 am

Sometimes it is difficult to leave the comfort zone, a relationship becomes a comfort zone, because it has certain amenities, but with time begin to emerge differences, you have to make an evaluation between the cost and benefits of continuing with your Couple, or break up and start a different lifestyle

If you are a plastic artist, you can start working in a school, as a plastic teacher, that can give you more money, more security in yourself and more independence

Unfortunately whenever a man is the economic sustenance in a couple makes abuse of authority, the money in this world represents, work, time, energy, sacrifice, It has immense value, and if a man gives all that to a woman, gives him all material things, inevitably, he will feel in a higher position, in a position to give orders, to complain, to feel that his wife has to obey

For that reason, when the woman is economically independent, she is no longer subject to the authority of man, she is free and can do what she wants, and enforce her rights
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Postby quietvoice » Wed Jan 18, 2017 9:34 am

Girl303 wrote:what should i do?

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Because it's not going to change. Are you thinking it will get better — that he will transform before your eyes into a non-controlling nice guy?
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Postby Candid » Wed Jan 18, 2017 11:28 am

Girl303 wrote:We met 6 years ago, we are very attached to each other and yet he does not support my goals and hobbies, he wants me to give up painting...

Ugh. Time to run, Girl!
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Postby Girl303 » Sun Jan 22, 2017 8:32 pm

thankyou for the comments. It is good advice
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