I'm still chugging along. The divorce is still proceeding. I'm moving out in the following month and have things lined up. My mind can't seem to let go of ambivalence though.
I made a few mistakes and slept with her a few times and although I'm trying to detach it really made things worse; lesson learned. I can't let go of the thoughts of how a family is falling apart and the inherent changes that will occur. I keep thinking about the things we could try to do to correct the issues and regain our relationship. She has expressed awareness of the issues that she has brought in and so I have but yet I still feel torn. I still partly feel the divorce is the right track and a half of me doesn't know.
I know I've posted here numerous times and I apologize for being a broken record but need a place to vent. I care about her but I'm not sure after all the things that's happened and been said, if I can get to a point of true love again...who knows.
Thinking of staying scares me. It makes me wonder if her acting normal right now is a tactic to make me ponder about staying and if so, it's working quite too well.
Thinking of leaving makes me feel fearful and yet free. I know my time will be focused on my child when I have him, and it scares me to care solely for him without her there to help. It's new and scary and I recognize that it's inevitable. I know that it's normal and I know I'll manage and adjust. I'm also almost excited for the possibility of meeting another person in due time. I need a while to restructure my life but it excites me to know I will be able to have another shot.
The thing that hangs me in between is that I wonder if what we went through is almost normal for new families. Her verbal abuse and seeming control was too much but I wonder if it occurred due to her not being comfortable with being a new parent. I don't believe it excuses the verbal attacks on my character and it makes me ponder if it's just in her core.
Her history illustrated it was what she did. Not all the time but mostly, putting others down and judging their lives. She did it in small doses and I guess when it faced towards me I saw the wrath. Could that just be due to stress and feeling lost as a new parent? I was new and strived to help as much as I could by communicating and helping her with everything I could but it was never enough.
My goal is to understand better on why I can't seem to stay on one decision. The thought of leaving her to do everything alone when our child is with her makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel like I'm abandoning her, in which I slightly am by divorce.
Any help or insight/advice is welcome. Thank you guys.