Moving on with my life (quitting again!)

Postby Wave » Thu Jan 26, 2017 9:36 pm

Hello all,

So, probably need to be clear this is not my first post on here and in fact joined this forum November 2012 which is 4 years and 2 months ago. Oh great I am sure you are saying to yourself, so over 4 years clean then? No, 3 days.

I have quit weed so many times I genuinely cannot tell you how many, but this is my 5th that I have gone to the trouble of actually posting on this forum, which I found has helped me so much. Last quit I made it over 15 months, and then in one moment of bad judgement I started smoking hash and then got back to daily again. Below in the signature of my posts you can press the links to each, if you want any more information.

However, I came back here end of last year saying how unhappy I was with this decision and how I need to make this one final change. My use before quitting this time is by far the lowest it has ever been, smoking only after 8pm and on a good day I would only smoke one tiny bowl of 0.03g hash. What I found surprising was the negative effects of this were still really bad and made me kind of hate myself a little.

Things I hate about being a daily weed addict:
- Some days waiting till 8pm would be really hard, so I was in daily withdrawal which I reset each night. Weekends were a constant struggle and would be on my mind all day.
- Mood swings
- Way less sharp and animated in conversations with people
- Looking really ill/tired all the time
- Become lazy again
- Inability to handle stress
- Less social
- Strain on my relationship
- Lying to everyone around me as few people know about my addiction

I think the thing that finally made me realise I had no interest in this anymore what the feeling of being weak. I don’t mean as I am an addict I am weak, just it made me less sure of myself and started to take my confidence away. I had worked really hard to get the things and people around me I care about and I 100% feel that I will lose some/all of these things if I remain a stoner.

Over the weekend I gathered everything I had a disposed of it. It actually felt good making the change even though in terms of its value it was a hard decision to make. That said, I don’t regret it at all.

The last three days have not been too bad actually. I have loads more energy and find it way easier to wake up and get up. Sleep has not been easy but easier than previous quits. I got one good night and the next day felt I was in a great mood all day. Last night was not good and managed 5-5.5hours. My mood today has not been as great but still when I think back to previous quits this first week is way easier, which is 100% down to reducing my consumption considerably.

I really hope that the withdrawal stays like this / gets easier but I have a feeling that when PAWS kicks in, it will take a lot of energy to remain on this path and become harder. That said, I have made that choice and I need to remind myself how unhappy I was while smoking so going back will not help at all. Like Furtive said on his post, the more time you spend sober, the better it is for your mind. I would add that each quit gets easier as you know what to expect more and ways to deal with it (exercise and new hobbies).

Anyways, hope I stick around and great to see so many people on here. Also a massive thank you to everyone that replied in my thread last year (wakinglife, akash agarwal, slick_willy and netty28661), thought a lot about what you all said and really helped me get back to quitting.
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#1

Postby cleanofgreen » Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:35 am

Good luck with the quit.
You can do it this time.
What helps me is. If you think about giving in, think of all the reasons why you stopped in the first place.
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#2

Postby Wave » Fri Jan 27, 2017 4:15 pm

Day 4

Thank you for the reply, today has been a lot tougher than any other day. I am not sure whether it is due to being tired, worn out or withdrawal but really hit me today. I have found it hard to speak without making mistakes (saying one word when I meant another) and my patience is also way less at the moment. I am also being quite intense too which on one hand is helping me get a lot of stuff done but clearly another signs I am starting this process again.

Not ideal being a Friday as in a way going to miss it tonight but got plans with friends who don't know I smoke bud and I think I would a little ashamed turning up high to see them. I was thinking on the way home that smoking now would be like putting a plaster on a horribly infected wound, its just not going to help long term at all.

I know from my 15 months clean I can get back to a good place again but I was kidding myself when I thought it was going to be lots easier than previous quits.
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#3

Postby tokeless » Sat Jan 28, 2017 9:59 am

Hi.. it sounds to me like your having intense cravings. These can impact on your thoughts, concentration and ability to perform tasks. It's like having a silent narrative going on in your mind.
All I can suggest is occupying that space because if you focus on other things they can be blocked but it takes determination but you can do it.
Another observation is the 'would/should' conflict.. I.e you know you should stop but would like to continue (in some way like controlling use) This feeds the cravings sadly. I hope that's been useful but I'm a believer in choices we make. When I started I was just doing what everyone did so it was about enjoyment etc.. in the end I was just topping up all day but it wasn't enjoyable anymore. I wish you well in your efforts.
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#4

Postby Wave » Sat Jan 28, 2017 11:19 am

Thanks for the reply. I sat and did nothing for a while last night and then made myself go on a 5k run, found a new route that is fairly flat and was pretty much exactly 5k which is ideal. Felt so much better afterwards and had a evening with friends, even had a couple of drinks (alcohol is about the only substance I have never had a problem with a never use more than Friday and Saturday night).

Slept well and only took Melatonin (1mg) last night. I took this while I was smoking as I love the dreams it gives me. As my use was less before quitting this time I still had dreams which I love and this week I have had a few powerful dreams, one of which was someone I really respect in my life telling me how I have failed myself through smoking again and was actually quite good motivation to carry on.

I also noticed the craving I had yesterday did go, took ages and the exercise helped but I forgot they do pass, and as you get further into quitting this becomes easier.

Can't wait to get my first week out the way and hope PAWS isn't too bad when that comes, but hearing from people such as yourself Tokeless reminds me I can do this!!

How long has your quit been now?
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#5

Postby tokeless » Sat Jan 28, 2017 11:57 am

Hi again... it's been over 2 years but I personally don't count.. I no longer smoke and that's it. I also don't hate weed and have no regrets about using it but I'm done with it.
Life is better, clearer and I'm glad I stopped.
You can do this but the psychological but is harder than the physical but saying that I had very little of either. I don't understand how people are still suffering months after stopping but I guess that's them.
Smoking is a choice mate so when you smoke you choose to. If I put you somewhere were you couldn't and therefore had no choice you'd manage it easily... the battle is you have the choice because it's there.
Best wished
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#6

Postby Wave » Sun Jan 29, 2017 8:22 pm

Yea, not having anymore makes not smoking x10 easier. Normally at this point in a quit I am thinking that I wish I still had some and I really miss it but I don't feel that at all. This weekend I have spoken to so many more people and got so much more done.

I woke up Sunday morning and had slept a lot, sleep is getting a lot easier and feels like real sleep. Was actually quite hard to get out of bed today but I think that was because it was a Sunday morning.

I feel totally different about weed. Being clearheaded this week has been a lot better and managed to lots of stuff like sort bills and chase up other jobs I never get around to. Feel I am getting more confident again and sure of myself, when I was high lately I was always criticising myself and I felt I was starting to not believe in myself.

Happy the first week has gone well, anyone reading thinking of quitting I say 100% do it and try and cut down first, has helped me a lot!
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#7

Postby Ade,wales » Tue Jan 31, 2017 10:05 pm

You can do it man
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#8

Postby Wave » Wed Feb 01, 2017 6:21 pm

Day 10

I have not had a very good couple of days. A few bad things have happened and they all come back to me being in withdrawal and not feeling myself at all. I know I have to quit and know it needs to happen now but I really under-estimated how hard this would be.

I don't feel very good both mentally and emotionally. I know it will get better and the "15 months clean" me was such a better person than the person I am now. I deeply regret my decision to start using weed again (6 months ago) and kick myself that if I had not I would be almost 2 years clean.

That said, I cannot go back to smoking weed. It makes me weak and not emotionally stable. I was kidding myself that due to reducing my use to evenings that somehow I wouldn't get the withdrawals that I am experiencing.

Onward and upwards I guess!
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#9

Postby tokeless » Wed Feb 01, 2017 7:07 pm

Just stuck at it fella and think of the bigger picture. You'll get your life back and things will be clearer in your thoughts and judgements. Just remember this is a temporary state wereas smoking never ends. If you find yourself struggling just go to bed. Another day will have passed and you don't crave when you're asleep. Wars are won by winning battles and each day for now is just the next battle. Stick at it or all that effort was wasted.
Best wishes
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#10

Postby Wave » Wed Feb 01, 2017 8:02 pm

Thanks. I feel better now I am home and reflected on the last few days. Now if I smoke again all these events would have been for nothing. Just a few things I am trying to change (this is one of them) and I know, I absolutely know I will be a better person for it when I a 3/6/9+ months in!
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#11

Postby Bagobones » Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:33 pm

Keep going mate. Before you know it your months in and its a lot easier. I started reading your "15 months" thread, and its good info in the beginning there. I just read the beginning so far, but i´ll read the whole thing. I really like how you were concentrating on eating healthy for a happy head. Inspiring. I´ll read the book you suggest in the beginning. And it made me put on a mid 90´s break beat/jungle mix on youtube. It brought back memories from clubbing in UK full of MDMA and super skunk, in my early 20´s. :)
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#12

Postby Bagobones » Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:48 pm

tokeless wrote:Hi again... it's been over 2 years but I personally don't count.. I no longer smoke and that's it. I also don't hate weed and have no regrets about using it but I'm done with it.


This is how I feel too about quitting. Done! No more! Been there done that, time to try other things.. If you can convince your brain that idea, it makes things easier. A lot easier. At least for me.

tokeless wrote:I don't understand how people are still suffering months after stopping but I guess that's them.


That´s what I thought it was going to be like Tokeless, but here I am, 5 months plus into my quit and I am still a little "strange" in my head.

Wave I believe this is your time. Put the weed behind you now..
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#13

Postby kickingthehabit » Fri Feb 03, 2017 4:00 am

Wave!
Nice job quitting again. I remember when I was quitting last time, we would post on each other's threads.

I'm actually surprised that you caved after such a long time of quitting, but this is such a great lesson to all of us. The fact that you regret that much and you're going through the hell of withdrawal again is incentive for anyone who reads this to never cave.

Day 10... sounds like a tough day - right into the 2nd week, which is always tough. I'm closing in on week 3 - it's Day 19, so I totally understand what you're going through.

Stay strong my friend. You got this. It's great that you're exercising. Keep drinking that water!
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#14

Postby Wave » Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:49 pm

Thanks for all the replies. It is great how active this forum is lately. As someone who has been here too many times early on in recovery it is great to have this support right about now!

Bagobones yea clubbing with always a good crack and to be honest, I feel this scene is what transitioned me into a heavy cananbis user and while I look back on that time and don't regret it, I really with last summer I didn't go back. 15 months is all the hard work done and now I am start again *sad face*.

Kickingthehabit yea good to hear from you again pal, there are so many more people on here I used to post with who are 3,4,5years+ and I am almost back at square 1. Live and learn I guess.

Day 12

The last couple of days have been better. While I am not recommending this approach as there is a lot of research on both sides of the argument. I have been taking ZMA supplements at night and Tyrosine in the morning and it has made a huge difference to my ability to cope with this process. The ZMA has helped me sleep without strong prescription sleeping tablets and the Tyrosine has increased my mood a lot in the day. It has made the last couple of days much more bearable and reminded me that I can do this!!!

I have come to the conclusion that I actually hate weed. I hate what it has done to my life lately and if I go back now, I am on a crash cause to losing the life I have. Most of the people in my life have no idea I smoke so it something I do on my own and I feel like a teenager sneaking around all the time. This is pretty pathetic and I need to grow up and move on.

I am not saying that weed is bad or responsible for this, I am saying I started using it way too young (12) and now I am paying the price. That said, I don't know what many people who smoke occasionally and I know a lot of people who smoke all the time. I think weed is one of the only drugs that truly changes your minds perception of what is going on and that is why for me at least, it is so challenging to quit.
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