Just trying to help but things might backfire

Postby himynameis » Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:08 pm

Hi, everyone, was just looking for an outlet where i talk to people without judgement. some background: I'm an exchange student in australia and ive still got 6 months to go before i return home. So the situation is, that one of my boyfriends friends, lets call him henry, was cheating (not sleeping with but making-making out) with 2 other girls. His girlfriend who i didnt know all too well at the time, asked to meet with me in a park for a picnic after they broke up. I said yes. we had a couple of drinks and things got really personal. she asked really leading questions and I believe she discerned from my answers that henry had cheated on her. Now i had no idea of this until she stormed over to his house and accused him of cheating, saying someone told her earlier that day. the boys knew that i went to a picnic with her earlier and it was assumed that i am that person. I've said it wasnt me, but now thinking about it, it might have been but accidentally. Henry is aweful, if he finds out that i said anything, even accidentally he will make my life a living hell, and my relationship will be over. and pretty much every friend I have made here will desert me, thats the ind of manipulative guy he is. and im really scared. his girlfriend continued to talk to me, and then started saying that she wouldnt say that it was me, so im really confused. I feel like ive messed up, but at the same time i feel like i was manipulated into being a backup for her theory. then a couple of days later, henry shouts are her about something and she OD's. since then she talked to me maybe twice and ive tried to be a supportive as anyone can be, then she deleted her FB account so I can't contact her. I dont have her phone number. and really hate getting involved in these kinds of situations because at the end of the day it will all end up being my fault. I'm really scared, and i want to know if shes alright, constantly nervous and crying, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I hate it when people lie about me, and super worried about her. I have no idea hwere she is and who with, yet at the same time i feel rather betrayed. she talked to a friend about 2 days ago and the news through rumours is that shes alright. but now i feel like its only a matter of time before i become the target and blame for this whole situation. Ive talked to henry and been as honest as i could be giving the situation and whilst trying to protect her integrity, but i fee like ive also dug the hole for myself. really lost as to what to do.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jan 28, 2017 12:00 am

himynameis wrote: really lost as to what to do.


Here is a really, really easy solution. Have you heard the acronym, STFU? It means to stop talking. It is your mouth that is getting you in trouble. You talk, then you get nervous so you try to fix it and you talk some more, which makes you nervous, so you talk some more, but you want to fix it so you talk some more.

Now you are in here looking for advice on how to fix it, and my concern is some of the advice will be to talk to X person or Y person, when really all that will do is spin up the issue more and more as you talk and then get nervous and then talk.

Stop talking.

When you stop talking, when you stop offering up your opinion, when you stop trying to fix things, when you mind your own business, the issue will in time die out.
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#2

Postby Livetowin » Sat Jan 28, 2017 10:30 am

A couple of actions in play here that need to be looked at from a different perspective. First of all, who owns the act of infidelity? Henry does. Second - Were they still together before this discussion occurred? No they were not. So what exactly is being protected here? The fact the guy was unfaithful and that this girl, unknowing to you, was looking for a public drubbing instead of moving on with her own life? Neither one deserves the other here. He's unfaithful as hell and she is an insecure lightweight using you to get back at him for some personal satisfaction.

I think you need to drop the weight of feeling like you own these actions and just tell your boyfriend exactly what happen WITHOUT excuses. Anyone of even remote merit can see and understand you were CLEARLY played here. That girl pulled you in the middle of a relationship that was already toxic, but was also terminated. You didn't know she was fishing for "facts" to take back to Kevin.

If your boyfriend is a person who has any character at all, he will not hold that against you. You can't sit there and worry about him hating you or being disappointed with you. What does that mean? Does he own you? Can you not stand up for yourself and speak to the matter without fearing the man is going to judge you? You are sitting there worrying about how he will value you when instead you should be measuring the value he brings to the relationship. If the two of you can't survive this issue which has NOTHING to do with either one of you, then he isn't worth your time is he?

I don't think you owe Henry any kind of explanation. He made his own bed in this and needs to own it. Trying to amplify your discussion with his ex as somehow the catalyst for the breakup when they were already broken up over his infidelity seems like a pretty weak argument. If anything, your boyfriend should be assessing the merit of his friendship to Henry if he tries to bring it back on you. So you have a good place to be measuring the value of both your boyfriend and the weight by contrast he gives to his regular friend, Henry. The answers are crystal clear. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be worried about. If what you did costs you anything, then it's the presence of someone who wasn't worth your time to begin with. Stand your ground and believe in yourself. Don't let others own you in this.
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