what did I do to deserve this?

Postby ced316 » Mon Jan 30, 2017 7:34 am

I've had to do some deep thinking about my toxic mother and i need to understand a few things from people that have a great understanding of psychology as well as an outside prospective.

my mom didnt stay with my dad prior to me being born - so she did all she could to get back at him

*she didnt give me my dads last name when i was born and kept me from knowing any of my fathers side of the family.
*growing up she would literally abuse me, take no interest in developing me in any way, helping me in school (i struggled academically for a year or two , to which she just hit me and told me to 'get it together'). in fact, she refused to drive me to school when it was needed because her sleep was not to be compromised
*if i was in a room, she'd leave the room or find a reason to send me out of it (go to your room) for weekends at a time- during the week she was at bars or clubs while i was left alone with my sisters or at a family members house.
*she's never been to my graduations , wedding or life events. if there was a need of her to invest money into me or my interest she would find a way to get out of it and i'd go without or have to have another family member deal with it.

this is just an over view - but to say the least it sucked growing up

if this was how she treated me AND my sisters then I would not complain because it would have at least been equal treatment.
but it wasnt. she bent over backwards for my younger sisters, made excuses when they were clearly doing wrong and would spend money she really didnt have to make sure they were happy. ex: she paid for my sister to have a tattoo at 14 but wouldnt give me a ride to school at the same age

when i finally confronted my mom about how badly she treated me, she would lie, then deny , then say she didnt remember it, then finally say i deserved everything . she went on to redirect the whole discussion back to my dad and how he did her 'so wrong' when they were together (prior to me even being born). i tried to redirect the subject back to my issues and she would rant about how much i LOVE (sarcastically) my dad even though she was there more than he was (she kept me from him and my other family members) and the discussion goes no where

currently, ive told her where im coming from and my boundaries in order to have any type of relationship with her. she blew it off, stepped on those boundaries and then took it a step further. she went on social media and slandered which ever pictures i have of my dad up, disrespected my wife and this past christmas alienated my kids from not only gifts but any phone calls what so ever. my son had a birthday and she ignored him also.

so now, i havent disrespected anyone or even cursed her out . i stayed quiet and quietly blocked her online and kept me peace

what could her problem be with me? she doesnt treat my sisters or nieces as badly as she treats me and my kids
what should i do?
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#1

Postby federico91 » Mon Jan 30, 2017 12:06 pm

Complex situation, In the first place because one does not know the whole story and it is very difficult to determine what is to be done or not, To live moment by moment is maybe the most assertive, Develop more responsibility, Responsibility means ability to respond, Respond moment by moment, Evaluate the effect of the actions themselves, Before doing or saying anything, meditate on this action, And think whether this action has a positive effect or not, It is difficult to determine what is right and what is wrong to do, But basically it is good to act calmly, with patience, with love, it is good to be free of resentment, jealousy, ambition, expectations

But basically it is good to act calmly, with patience, with love, it is good to be free of resentment, jealousy, ambition, expectations, But if he does not love you, he does not admire you, and on the contrary he assaults you, he criticizes you, what can be done? Ignore it, stop having expectations, take care of your child, Instead of occupying your energy in hating it, use your energy to love your child, we are limited beings, we do not have much energy or time, it is necessary to reflect on the things in which to invest time and energy

I do not know what to say, I have the same problem sometimes but in the reverse, I have difficulties with my father sometimes, Maybe part of the oedipus and electra complex

But also sometimes I have problems with my mother, Sometimes I invest a lot of time and energy in her, and she apparently is not reciprocal, and uses that energy that I give her to criticize me, it seems something absurd, illogical, I think it's best to take distance

Letting go of obsession, sometimes when we move away from a person, when we stop talking to a person for a long time, the person then begins to mar the company that one offered and in his loneliness begins to value us, and when one Becomes more distant the person becomes more thoughtful, trying to reach one, becomes more careful, more loving

There is a story that says that human relations are similar to those of the hedgehog, Legend says that the hedgehog in winter have cold and at night the herd needs to be together to get warm, but if they get too close they can hurt with the thorns they have in their body, The legend says that human relationships are similar, it is necessary to be together to take care and protect themselves, but it is also necessary to take some distance to avoid getting hurt
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jan 30, 2017 12:36 pm

ced316 wrote:what could her problem be with me?


Read what you wrote. It is 100% negative. There is not an ounce of appreciation for a single thing she did right. It is 100% what she did wrong.

Most likely, right or wrong, that is her problem with you.

She feels and has felt you constantly wanting to worship a man that was not there for you, while she was the one to change your diapers, provide you food, clothes, shelter, take care of you when you had a cold, etc. And what does she get for all her effort? A son that has never appreciated her and blocks her. That is her perception.
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#3

Postby Livetowin » Mon Jan 30, 2017 2:07 pm

Sounds to me like your mother had such a bitter breakup with your dad, she took it upon herself to inflict her angst with you since you are biologically part of him and reminded her of him. I saw this very treatment play out with my step daughter. Her dad use to pick her up but would always talk about how he was doing things for his kids, but not her. It scarred her so badly that she finally quite seeing him when she was old enough to make that decision for herself. He hated his ex so much, he felt the only way to get back at her was to treat their kid miserable. He has no relationship with her today. So it sounds to me like your mom did the same thing and disenfranchised you because of your genetics. She is impossibly selfish and you have no reason to carry the weight of that. I feel bad for you because I know how much it hurt my step-daughter.

What I CAN tell you is what I told her. Don't let those actions own you. Don't let them define you. She might have the label of "mom" but she is also a human being and that label does not mean she possesses the greater truth of your circumstances. It doesn't mean that somehow she had just cause and you have to spend your entire life "figuring it out". You don't. She made a conscious choice to take her conflict with her ex and make you the easy target when she felt like getting back at him. Hurting you or making sure she came up short in your expectations provided balance in her head for what she felt her ex did to her. It's damn cruel and she is impossibly selfish.

Like my step daughter you have two choices. You can either resign yourself to keep taking that punishment because she has the label of a parent or you can call it what it is which is emotional abuse and go on about your life without her until she comes around. I wouldn't hold my breath. People who do this understand what they did, but the fact it healed their sense of satisfaction from all the pain they felt incurred from their ex means they won't ever own that same cruelty for themselves. In their mind it is payback, even though you had nothing to do with it. Keep your chin up. You are better than her.
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#4

Postby Candid » Mon Jan 30, 2017 2:23 pm

Have a look at this, ced: http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotiona ... exPTSD.pdf

Afterwards you may want to read a lot of other stuff on Pete's website.
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#5

Postby ced316 » Mon Jan 30, 2017 4:33 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
ced316 wrote:what could her problem be with me?


Read what you wrote. It is 100% negative. There is not an ounce of appreciation for a single thing she did right. It is 100% what she did wrong.

Most likely, right or wrong, that is her problem with you.

She feels and has felt you constantly wanting to worship a man that was not there for you, while she was the one to change your diapers, provide you food, clothes, shelter, take care of you when you had a cold, etc. And what does she get for all her effort? A son that has never appreciated her and blocks her. That is her perception.


where in my post did it say i worshiped my dad? and to help you with your assumptions, my mom passed me off to my grandparents until i was 5 so she could try her hand at hollywood (i cant make this up). when my grandfather was too old to keep up with me he put his foot down and said she needs to act like a mother. i moved into her 1 bed room apt and slept either on the couch in the living room or the floor of the living room with the occasionally having to hear her have sex with guys she brought home. you have no idea what ive been through and to assume that she was actually interested in being responsible in some way is arrogant and silly.
I was an adult when i finally found my dad to ask him what happened and why he was gone. It was through facebook that all happened and over time we learned to get along and respect each other.

ive spent a decade trying to find a common ground with this woman who would only come to me when she needed money or help of some kind. ive been forced to tolerate her off the wall rages toward me and toward the end of my time living with her i was kicked out nearly on a daily basis for what ever slight she imagined received from me. ive tried talking to her , ive tried taking responsibility for all the wrongs in the relationship between us, i've even tried going to church and forgiving everyone to start over again and we always end up right back here- where i'm giving shes taking and when that dynamic changes she'll slander me to who ever will listen
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#6

Postby ced316 » Mon Jan 30, 2017 4:41 pm

Livetowin wrote:Sounds to me like your mother had such a bitter breakup with your dad, she took it upon herself to inflict her angst with you since you are biologically part of him and reminded her of him. I saw this very treatment play out with my step daughter. Her dad use to pick her up but would always talk about how he was doing things for his kids, but not her. It scarred her so badly that she finally quite seeing him when she was old enough to make that decision for herself. He hated his ex so much, he felt the only way to get back at her was to treat their kid miserable. He has no relationship with her today. So it sounds to me like your mom did the same thing and disenfranchised you because of your genetics. She is impossibly selfish and you have no reason to carry the weight of that. I feel bad for you because I know how much it hurt my step-daughter.

What I CAN tell you is what I told her. Don't let those actions own you. Don't let them define you. She might have the label of "mom" but she is also a human being and that label does not mean she possesses the greater truth of your circumstances. It doesn't mean that somehow she had just cause and you have to spend your entire life "figuring it out". You don't. She made a conscious choice to take her conflict with her ex and make you the easy target when she felt like getting back at him. Hurting you or making sure she came up short in your expectations provided balance in her head for what she felt her ex did to her. It's damn cruel and she is impossibly selfish.

Like my step daughter you have two choices. You can either resign yourself to keep taking that punishment because she has the label of a parent or you can call it what it is which is emotional abuse and go on about your life without her until she comes around. I wouldn't hold my breath. People who do this understand what they did, but the fact it healed their sense of satisfaction from all the pain they felt incurred from their ex means they won't ever own that same cruelty for themselves. In their mind it is payback, even though you had nothing to do with it. Keep your chin up. You are better than her.


thank you for this - i feel like i can identify with every thing you are saying here. it took me nearly 10 years to understand there is a manipulation when someone demands you do something because of a title of 'mom' or 'dad'. just because they say that doesnt mean they have your best interest at heart.. I'll take everything you took the time to write and own that - thank you very much for this.
over all she felt that some how some way she was punishing him by punishing me and that gave her a sense of control and comfort all at the same time. that totally makes sense. it also addresses why when she found out he and I are finally getting along and after a life time I'm finally meeting my other sisters and cousins she really had a negative reaction

she told me that my dad's daughters are not my REAL sisters and I better not let her hear me call them my 'Sisters' around her.

also to the post above about the hedgehogs, thats a wonderful story that spells out a very interesting lesson. we need to stay close for protection but not too close because we will get hurt. that is great
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