loving youreslf after codependent relations

Postby zzqqxx » Wed Feb 01, 2017 11:24 am

Hello everyone
So me and my gf decided to break up recently. None of us were abusive or bad on purpose, but both of us were very depressed, broken and alone when we met. So it wasn't normal healthy relationship, as you can guess. We really cared and loved each other, so much that we had forgot about our own selves, about our OWN needs and desires, merged I'd say. You can't live other's live for too long and not loose yourself. That's why we decided that breaking up would be better for us. She's a great person and I don't want to loose her. She wants to be left alone now, but I on the contrary feel very anxious when I can't talk about what's bothering me, but I don't want to disturb her. And the main question is -- how to feel whole again? How to love and enjoy YOUR self? I feel very divided, dependent and abandoned now. I feel like some link attaches me to her still, not letting me to care about MY life and self. I wish the same for her. But I just don't know what to do
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Postby federico91 » Wed Feb 01, 2017 1:15 pm

There is a saying that says "union makes force", Being in a couple can generate some dependence, but still it is very nice to have someone to share moments together, and at the same time to know yourself, because it is in relationships where we really know ourselves as we are

You say that you feel nervous when you can not tell the things that bother you, but at the same time you do not say anything to not disturb her..

Lack of communication is a big problem in any relationship, It is very important that both can express what they feel and think, in the most possible way, because no one is a fortuneteller and if there are things that are not said afterwards can give rise to grudges product of things that were not clearly said

It is also important in every relationship to learn to trust and respect times and spaces, to allow the couple to go out with their friends, give themselves time to be able to miss each other and then have more things to tell each other, if two people see each other 24 hours a day, there is no place for surprise, for novelties, awe, details, new experiences to share, all those things happen outside the couple, and it is very important that people can have a life apart from His love relationship, this does not mean a relationship with a lover, but a private life, to dedicate to his family, friends, hobbies

Something that can help you is to meditate, to observe your mind and your emotions remaining here and now, Feeling your breathing, your body, your surroundings, feeling that everything is constantly changing, and that attachment is usually a cause of suffering according to Buddhism, becoming aware that you only need yourself for your own subsistence, you only depend on your own effort And will, love depends on your conscience, your mind, your character, if you are a kind person, you can easily find anyone to love and share moments together, if you are an independent, responsible person can also easily find people Interesting, in fact one can only find on the outside what is similar to oneself

Meditating is also possible to discover that one is never alone, that we are always connected with the universe, and with many people, division is an illusion of the ego, the supreme reality is that everything is one, one is part of the totality, that is It is possible to perceive the interior as a void of thoughts, desires and emotions, it is possible to perceive the conscience as an empty space and feel the totality of life, the song of the birds, the rays of the sun, people around talking and everything In some way affects his own subjectivity, therefore he is never alone, one is always surrounded by nature and people

Sometimes in meditation it is possible to experience a type of psychogenic death, because one detaches himself from his personality, from his identity constructed by relationships with other people, sometimes the sense of identity is given by personal relationships, when one begins to meditate leaves To depend on that identity obtained by relationships and one begins to feel that one is beyond any personal relationship

But it is in meditation where one can die and be reborn in a psychological way, and feel once again complete, one when meditates dies to the past and is reborn to the present, as an individual being, Integrated, full in its solitude, love is art of coexisting with another person, meditation is the art of coexisting with oneself
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Postby Livetowin » Wed Feb 01, 2017 1:53 pm

There's an old saying that misery loves company. That can often be a profound player in how people come together. People bond initially on how well they relate. Unfortunately when the union comes primarily from applying a fix for our insecurities then those relationships tend to have an expiration date. Why? Because their predicated on momentary needs rather than a natural bond to that person. The statement you made about longing to share your problems with her illustrates that point. Eventually what happens is one or both people grow apart either because they are unable to help one another or the issues that took center stage no longer carry the weight they once did.

The reason why you seek counsel from others is because you don't believe you have the answers to resolve these issues yourself. This comes from low self-esteem. I suffered severely from this when I was a young man. I grew up in a home where I was verbally attacked one moment, then praised the next. So I grew up very ambivalent about what to believe about myself. I discovered the best way to find yourself is through demonstrated ability.

You need to set small goals for yourself and work towards them. It can be anything. You need to invest in yourself. But most importantly you need to close those doors to your heart that allows others to debilitate you. NEVER let the words of others own you. You decide your own value. No one else. This means if someone says something to you that is mean or judgmental, don't carry that weight as if you have to consider what they said to be truthful.

The truth of who you are resides inside you. That's not poetry or some shallow cliche. It's the truth. Everything that we are as people exists whether we want to face it or not. And when we walk through life afraid, it's because someone put something inside us that says we're no good. Well, that's bull. You have as much value as the next person.

Whatever you like, LIKE IT. Whatever you don't like, DON'T LIKE IT. If certain people make you feel uncomfortable because you don't agree with who they are, then STAY AWAY FROM THEM. If you have someone you thought was a good friend who is saying or doing bad things to you, then GET RID OF THEM. Walk away. You need to learn not to blame yourself for what other people say or do. Let everyone own their actions. YOU ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF.

If someone hurts your feelings, it's only because you let them. If someone makes you feel like you are worthless, then it's only because you gave them authority to make that call over yourself. That's on YOU. YOU DO NOT OWN THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM. So own what you do and say, but also manage the front door of your heart so that you don't let people in to judge you and tell you who you are. That is only for you to decide.

The best advice you can get is from yourself because no one should know you better than you. You have to do what makes you happy in life. If that means making sweeping changes to people around you who don't agree, then so be it.The only contract you have in life is to yourself. Do you decide how you want to live or do you let others define that for you? YOU decide and own your actions. Just make sure you make everyone else own theirs.
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