midaz wrote:Last question for you my friend,
I am pretty sure it won't work with her, I try and I dont feel she is. Whe have too many different ways of thinking and I am getting angrier each day about it but I struggle to tell her listen it wont work and cut the links between each others. What should I do and how?
Good morning Midaz. Happy to assist any way I can. I think when you find yourself in a situation where the chemistry is not working between you and another person then you need to be honest with yourself and understand this is not for you. This also takes me back to my first rule in life - I CAN ONLY CONTROL MYSELF. The only thing you can manage effectively is yourself. You control how you treat people and how you react to how they treat you.
You can lose your job tomorrow. You can walk outside and get hit by a car. You can win an inheritance you didn't see coming. Your wife can come home and say, " I want a divorce." Your best friend can say, " I'm killing myself." You can even be a game show host and become president.
But you don't control any of those things. Good things and/or bad things can happen to us every day. How we react to them and what we do is the true measure of who we are as people.
There's two degrees of wisdom to this rule for me. One it reminds me I should focus on being the best person I can be and manage things as thoughtfully as I can. But two, it also reminds me I don't OWN what other people do no matter how invested I am or not. If my brother calls me today and says he has terminal cancer what am I going to do? I'm going to be upset, but then I'm going to regroup and focus on being there for him and do what I CAN to be by his side. I can't control how much time he has and I can't control his pain, so I'm not going to beat myself up about things I can't control. But I can control being a positive force in his life and spending what time left with him.
So here's your situation. You have someone you fully understand is not for you. The two of you think differently and you realize it's time to move on. What do YOU control? You control providing this message to her. First sit YOURSELF down and come to an understanding with YOURSELF that this girl is not what you want. I say that first, because you don't go into these matters wishy-washy about your statement. So come to a clear and precise understanding with yourself that this person is not for you. You are not happy and want to move on. Once that message is clear for you, it's time to explain it just as clearly to her and wash your hands of the whole situation.
You can be nice about it, but don't come across unsure like it's something you can be talked back into. People get their feelings hurt all the time. Nobody likes to be the messenger of difficult news, but you must ALWAYS understand that when you have to deliver it, that doesn't make you wrong or even the bad person. You ALWAYS owe people the truth about who you are, whether they're in agreement or not. You're not happy in this relationship and in order to be happy you need to move on. That's about clear as you can make it. This leads me to my number two rule - DON'T OWN THE WORDS OF OTHERS.
When people are insecure, it doesn't take much to insult them, even under the best of conditions. In almost every situation the first instinct of someone with insecurities and low self-esteem is to verbally attack the person they feel is making them feel bad by telling them things they believe will take that person down to their level. Misery loves company so shaming people is where they go to fuel their isolation. So don't own the words of others. People can say anything about you. Rule number one - You can't control that.. So control yourself and follow rule number two - Don't own what they say. You know who you are. And when you know your intentions are good, you don't need a poll from anyone to finalize that judgement. So if you have to deliver difficult news, don't let them drag you down by trying to guilt trip you and make you feel bad for telling them how you feel. They are being selfish.
Why should you feel bad about telling someone you are not happy? Are you suppose to be miserable so they can feel better? I think not. They're just mad because they don't get to keep what they want and shaming you is worst thing they can do. So DON'T OWN IT, which means don't believe it if they say bad things to you. You own only your actions no matter how she responds in words or deeds.
Finally let me say this - When you have to deliver bad news like this, don't look for anyone to blame. Keep this message about the fact you are just not happy in this and want to move on. Don't point to any specific event and don't make it sound like they messed it up. The best relationships that last a lifetime have scores of mistakes made by both parties. This is not a perfect race. What it simply comes down to is you are not content and want to look elsewhere. Leave no loose strings dangling. Be honest about how you feel and you're desire to move on. Hopefully she can respect that and be accepting even if it makes her sad. Just understand where you stand so no matter how she responds you can deflect those situations and move on. You have one life. Don't waste it worrying about what you didn't want. Hope this helps.