Mental Health

Postby foxypaw » Wed Feb 08, 2017 2:42 pm

I don't really know where to start with all of this except that I don't really know how I feel about it or anything else.

Recently, I've been very closed off and lost, I have no idea what's wrong with me. It's like my mind is unnaturally pushing people away, I have no idea what's wrong with my emotions.

I've been very cold, and when my friends, the ones that at one time I cared deeply about message me, it honestly hurts because I don't really know I want to talk to them. This is coming out of no where.

I had a girlfriend in another state, she sent me a box of her things as a christmas gift. I remember getting it and how painful it was..... i wanted to believe I loved and cared for her, but something started happening that was out of my control or against my will, something that if I did, it wasn't on purpose. But it grew to the point that thinking of her felt like I was thinking of a dead person.... i became lost and uncertain of everything, i started pushing people away for no reason, feeling like I had failed them..

I was going to meet her... but it probably won't happen.. I was going to meet a couple of people I had cared about online, and out of no where, I'm starting to push them away and it's against my own will.... i've tried starting new bonds with others and I can't... i won't let myself do it.

I feel like I am being split into two ways... and it's very, very painful. I remember being able to care deeply about them, and while I don't remember exactly what it feels like, I remember that I was so confident in the directions I was going.... I had deep, caring and Godly bonds with good, good people.. and it hurts that for some reason, my mind is making me retract from them.

I've tried telling myself 'this is in my control, i'm the one who chooses the person I want to be'. So i've tried avoiding it, to stop dwelling on it and move on from it, but I can't.... i'm not able to. It affects the way I see everything, it's painful and lonely, but it's also reluctant from being close to others...

I've tried to talk to my friends about it, and it's hurting them because they don't understand that I'm trying... but I don't know what to do...

I've dwelled on it and can't make anything out of it. It's caused me and a lot of others pain, it's made me snappy and entirely indecisive. I have no idea what to do, what anything is or what i feel, what's wrong with me...

I've tried ignoring it, but i'm not capable of it.... i don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. It's miserable and I can't live like this, my friends can't live with me like this.

I'm losing everyone and they are losing me, but it's against my will. I don't know what I want. I just wish I was normal again and could care... I had an ex girlfriend who went through this and she went to counseling and still couldn't care about others or those who were once important to her... she became hateful and cold, and i've kind of been that way recently....

If there is something I can do, if anyone knows what's wrong with me, I'm begging you for help, to tell me what's wrong with me, what I can do, whether I should get medication or see a counselor... please help.

Nothing I can do feels right.... so sometimes I do nothing, and not even that feels right.. I try to sleep and that's all I can do to escape...

Please help, I don't know what's wrong with me.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Feb 08, 2017 3:44 pm

foxypaw wrote: I don't know what's wrong with me.


You know what is wrong. You keep repeating something that is an unhealthy belief that is obviously not true.

You came to this forum, you created an account, you created a thread and you typed out a post describing your situation. Was doing so, against your will? Did someone force you to type this post, did your mind force your fingers against your will to type each word? NO! You know dang well, you willfully of your own choosing decided to take action, create an account and post in this forum.

The same as you had the will to post in here, all of the behaviors you described are choices you are making in your life. No one is forcing you.

But, what about your mind you ask? Isn't your mind controlling you, forcing you to reject people against your will? No. It is an excuse you are using to justify unhealthy behavior. The real question is why?

The answer is simple. Fear. You are afraid. You have low self-esteem and fear rejection. You have online relationships instead of real relationships. When it comes time to meet you fear the rejection so you begin rationalizing that it is not fear, but rather you can't, that you are somehow willed to not interact. This leads to depression as you run and hide from your fears.

I recommend you start by recognizing and accepting your fears. Create a list of things you fear. You fear being rejected by this online romance, put that at the top of the list.
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#2

Postby foxypaw » Wed Feb 08, 2017 3:56 pm

I see what you are saying, I do. My actions are my choices and my choices alone. But mentally, I do not know what's wrong with me, because I'm automatically pushing things out when I'm not trying to. My mind is stuck in this cycle, I have no idea what had created it. I believe you are possibly right when you say that this has come from my fear. But I don't know how to escape that fear, this thought process, this doubt, and I also fear that I can't be close or open with anyone again. I definitely do not want to be in this mental state for the rest of my life... honestly, what you said has helped my rationalize things just a small bit more clear... That it's my choice to act out on these things, but it's my mental processes that are causing me to feel this way. I don't know how to escape them or move on from them, to be close with others the way that I used to be. I still feel that in the end of this, I may be emotionless or emotionally cold towards others, no matter what I may show. And I don't want to be that way.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Feb 08, 2017 4:02 pm

foxypaw wrote: But I don't know how to escape that fear,


The first step is acknowledging the fear. Write down your fears. Start with the fact you fear actually meeting this online relationship.
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#4

Postby foxypaw » Wed Feb 08, 2017 4:04 pm

Thank you.
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