Losing my best friend

Postby Barc » Wed Feb 15, 2017 5:11 am

Hi, I've had a best friend for over 10 years who I used to talk to everyday... We used to get along great although we would often get into arguments and would stop talking to each other for a few days.

One time we had the stupidest argument and stopped talking to each other for what I tought would be a couple of days like usual.

I decided not to speak to him anymore until he apologized cause he was really rude to me, and also because I was tired of constantly fighting with him.

But it's already been 7 months and we haven't spoken ever since... My birthday was last week and I really thought he would at least write to me but he didn't (we live in different countries)... so now I don't know what to do.

I don't really have a lot of friends and talking to him was always helpful because he knows me better than anyone and he was someone who I could talk to about my problems, but it seems to me like he doesn't wanna be my friend anymore.

So it's like I need him but I'm also tired of all the constant fighting that had been going on between us lately. I've tried finding other friends but he's just someone very hard to replace for me.

I need to talk to him at least one more time anyway because he owes me some money that I lent him so I gotta ask him for my money back... but I don't know whether I should just ask him to pay me and end the relationship, or if I should try to fix things up...

I wouldn't even know how to approach him anymore but either way I feel like things between us won't be the same after this....

So what should I do?
Barc
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#1

Postby tokeless » Wed Feb 15, 2017 9:11 am

All you can do is make the contact. Do you fear being rejected if you do? If that happens then you could say you're sorry it's ended this way, remind him that he still owes you money and then move on. If it was me, depending on the amount I'd tell him to keep the money and wish him well then and contact. Never lend money to friends is the saying... there's a reason for that.
Sometimes friendships change or end because we grow and change.. it's life.
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#2

Postby Livetowin » Wed Feb 15, 2017 12:56 pm

Relationships (in any form) that are besieged by constant conflict are typically not ones that can be salvaged if the only thing that brings the other party back are personal insecurities. You don't have a friend so much as a sounding board for your issues that you don't possess the confidence to answer yourself. That's definitely a value (and a responsibility), you should not give to this person.

I would step back and take a closer look at yourself. You don't "need" him for anything. You need to take more accountability for yourself and find out who you are and accept that definition. If you need improvement in certain areas like all of us do, then identify those issues and work to better yourself. The better you know yourself, the less inclined you're going to feel to take a poll for decisions you should be making exclusively on your own. Anyone who makes decisions for you never has to answer for them. Only you do. So why not take that steering wheel back?

By your definition if your "friendship" with this person was unable to survive conflicts over "stupid things" then that really speaks volumes to how little the two of you actually think of one another on a fairly normal basis. Learn to accept things as they are and not as you idealize them to be. The more honest you can be with yourself, the less time you waste chasing after people who will only foster the insecurities that keep you down.

Unless your loan was truly significant, I would forget about that and take it as payment for a lesson you needed to learn in order to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship that only inflamed those lesser qualities within that you sorely need to address now...on your own.
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#3

Postby HumanB » Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:01 am

re. the money... really depends on how much it is. If it is a small amount I would write it off. If it is a large amount then was it a 'legally enforcable' loan, or a gift?

The money (unless it is a significantly large amount) isnt your main concern by the sounds of it. Why don't you initiate some contact? Best to call him up. Just say it how it is: hey how's it going? I know we had a bust up but I regarded you as my close friend and I've missed not talking with you... Can we meet up, clear the air? ---- see where he stands now. And that will inform you as to how to procede with getting your money back (if applicable).
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