I love my neighbors wife.

Postby I love philosophy » Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:00 am

Where do I begin...

I'm a 26 year old male with some college under my belt. I live next to a couple of swingers (think still active) with four children, kinda insane if you ask me. Anyhow, I fell in love with these neighbors wife about 4 years ago. She's at least 20 years older than me, but I've always been more interested in older women than younger ones. I always knew women were more emotionally mature than men from a young age. Something about mature women is reassuring to me. Having someone who is more experienced in life and emotions calms me. If it means anything I've never had sex and am rather attractive. More about the situation. This women has tried contacting me and asked if I wanted to talk with her in front of my house before me leaving to community college leaving me feeling very embarrassed with that situation, Rarely when I do go on walks in the evenings I see her sometimes. Then she once called me but I didn't talk back.

What I don't understand is why is she doing this to me? She really wants to talk to me and for me to treat her as my mother. I know I'm starting to sound crazy but this is the reality of the situation. I'm not trying to blame anyone here; but, understand the psychology of the situation so that this situation doesn't arise anymore or in the future in some different form.

I knew I fell in love with her when I left to college. Almost every day I would sit in my dorm and not want to study and think about her. I don't have sexual fantasies about her; but, I just really like her as a person or rather platonic. She seems intelligent.

Please let me know if this is a serious problem, it's not like I'm desperate as I've never spoken to her once throughout this whole time [only sent her a text message twice letting her know who I was to see if she was serious about this situation or if this was some sort of elaborate game for her to fill her time (stays at home almost every day), she never replied for the matter].

Thanks.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:05 pm

26 year old virgin having fantasies about a fake relationship. That is what it boils down to.

Why have you never dated? There are plenty of older women for you to date, but you don't. It sounds like you are uncomfortable. It sounds like you never developed the social skills required to initiate a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. Instead of addressing this weak area, and asking out an older woman, it is easier...it is more comfortable and convenient for you to live out a fake relationship in your head with a neighbor.
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#2

Postby Livetowin » Fri Feb 17, 2017 7:40 pm

You've fallen for allot of false notions you've created for yourself here, but none of them have to do with the actual person you're speaking about. First you over-value this individual for her age because you assume with age comes wisdom. You need to write that thought down on a piece of paper and set it ablaze because age does NOT equate to anything other than a slower pace and possibly weaker joints and more trips to the doctor.

Whomever this person is and what you assume she does in her bedroom at night is highly speculative. And what do you ACTUALLY know about her that you can back up as fact? What about her reputation as a person? Is she some one of high integrity or someone who compromises herself for desires? Does she have a criminal record or is she associated with law enforcement? Does she have a clean bill of health or does she hand out free samples of venereal disease? Does she bake apple pies during the day or is she into petty crime? Get the picture? She's a stranger to you. And these rumors of her provocative behavior might have stoked your virgin yearnings but it doesn't mean you have an ounce of common sense if you actually believe that should be the first place you seek the experience.

This might be a good time to also reexamine your sense of self. Please forgive me if I ground you a bit but for someone with zero experience, you sure paint yourself as the catch of the town with your self-anointed "attractiveness" and desire to be with "older women". Perhaps you would be better served to find someone compatible with who you actually are and stay away from people whom can make you less the catch of the town and more the sucker of the moment. Your fascination with completely fictional profiles of strangers tells me you are not someone who has wandered out into the real world of human behavior much. Be careful what you ask for. You are lining yourself up to get more than you reckoned because you followed fantasy over common sense. Use your head and reel this ridiculous notion back in.
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#3

Postby I love philosophy » Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:12 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:26 year old virgin having fantasies about a fake relationship. That is what it boils down to.

Why have you never dated? There are plenty of older women for you to date, but you don't. It sounds like you are uncomfortable. It sounds like you never developed the social skills required to initiate a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. Instead of addressing this weak area, and asking out an older woman, it is easier...it is more comfortable and convenient for you to live out a fake relationship in your head with a neighbor.


I feel quite embarrassed by the whole thing. I'm quite a humble and quiet type that does not like to arouse strong emotions. I was just hoping for a mature woman that isn't interested in extroverted, outgoing, confident, and testosterone driven men, that's just not who I am. I figured that a mature woman would know me better than myself and know how to make me a better person or something like that. There are plenty of divorced or lonely mothers with kids at college that want someone to talk with and just sit around and cuddle with. Mind you, I am not sex driven for a relationship and nowhere in my post have I indicated that I wanted to have sex with this neighbor. And, no I am not projecting my sexual urges onto her, I have enough insight to tell when that happens or not.
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#4

Postby I love philosophy » Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:18 pm

Livetowin wrote:Whomever this person is and what you assume she does in her bedroom at night is highly speculative. And what do you ACTUALLY know about her that you can back up as fact? What about her reputation as a person? Is she some one of high integrity or someone who compromises herself for desires? Does she have a criminal record or is she associated with law enforcement? Does she have a clean bill of health or does she hand out free samples of venereal disease? Does she bake apple pies during the day or is she into petty crime? Get the picture? She's a stranger to you. And these rumors of her provocative behavior might have stoked your virgin yearnings but it doesn't mean you have an ounce of common sense if you actually believe that should be the first place you seek the experience.
I know for a fact that I am not the only one having issues with these people. During one summer the police were called to their house over women walking around half naked in wardrobes, which confirmed my suspicion of her husband having to do something with the adult entertainment industry. Then there was a summer before that when they had sex in the backyard at midnight while sounding high on something and drunk. See, I know that my emotions for this woman are terribly misguided, you don't have to tell me that. I want to know what is the cause for these emotions and desires so that they don't happen again.

Livetowin wrote:This might be a good time to also reexamine your sense of self. Please forgive me if I ground you a bit but for someone with zero experience, you sure paint yourself as the catch of the town with your self-anointed "attractiveness" and desire to be with "older women". Perhaps you would be better served to find someone compatible with who you actually are and stay away from people whom can make you less the catch of the town and more the sucker of the moment. Your fascination with completely fictional profiles of strangers tells me you are not someone who has wandered out into the real world of human behavior much. Be careful what you ask for. You are lining yourself up to get more than you reckoned because you followed fantasy over common sense. Use your head and reel this ridiculous notion back in.

You can see where I'm coming from based on my previous post. As for me being 'attractive' or not, that's really irrelevant and would have been better if I kept my narcissistic notions about my-self to myself.
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#5

Postby Livetowin » Tue Feb 21, 2017 4:52 pm

I love philosophy wrote:I know for a fact that I am not the only one having issues with these people. During one summer the police were called to their house over women walking around half naked in wardrobes, which confirmed my suspicion of her husband having to do something with the adult entertainment industry. Then there was a summer before that when they had sex in the backyard at midnight while sounding high on something and drunk. See, I know that my emotions for this woman are terribly misguided, you don't have to tell me that. I want to know what is the cause for these emotions and desires so that they don't happen again..


I guess the first thing you have to understand is emotions are never rational. Being inexperienced likely places a person whom seems to be provocative in a mysterious, yet enticing, place to prey on those notions of adventure where your experience is still drawing a blank. I wouldn't conclude that is something you need to fix so much as accept as symptomatic to you desire to make your initial experience memorable in a way that sits well with what you imagine.

Where your reasoning strays is your insistence you understand your emotions are misguided, yet you still focus on them. If you understand this is not a rational way to feel about a stranger, then your mind should handle the rest because you're essentially saying there is no merit here. There's no "off" switch to your emotions. The only thing you manage is how to discredit them when they rear their ugly head.

It's the same way you manage any emotion. When you're angry and feel the desire to punch someone, you reason yourself down and in time that feeling subsides. Here you have a stranger whom you hear provocative things about backed by things you have seen that back up those descriptions. Part of you finds that provocative which caters to a fantasy you might have created for yourself. But common sense and reason states you need to get on down the road and quit dwelling on such things. IF you believe what you are reasoning is accurate, time will fix that emotion. If you choose to let your emotions take control, it will persist and you will obsess over it.


I love philosophy wrote:You can see where I'm coming from based on my previous post. As for me being 'attractive' or not, that's really irrelevant and would have been better if I kept my narcissistic notions about my-self to myself.


My apologies if I came across too harsh on your self analysis of appearance. I worded that badly and did not intend for you to take offense to that statement. You always want to have a positive image of yourself as well as a grounded one. I just took that evaluation as you building yourself up in order to match what you think is a connection with this person. My intention was to ground you on that thinking.

When we allow our emotions to govern our reasoning, simple emotions of fancy can evolve into problematic obsession that often have little basis in reality. I would step back and have a real honest assessment with yourself and develop a better understanding of what bothers you about your role in relationships and why a stranger who appears to have a loose lifestyle sounds enticing rather than a traditional one. Perhaps you are afraid of commitment because it places you in a compromised position and the notion of "free love" sounds like a workaround to that? There's a consideration. But again... those are matters you need to sit down and consider for yourself. The main thing is to be completely honest with yourself.
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