Need help for my mother

Postby Bhattacharya » Tue Mar 14, 2017 5:23 pm

First time post, so please forgive me if I ramble. I really need some help for my mother. It feels wrong to say this of my own mother, but everyday she is becoming more and more impossible to deal with. She has always been controlling, manipulative and an egoist who believes she is a cut above 'mere mortals'. With time these traits have only amplified. She is also impulsive and a constant liar who is not concerned with anybody but herself. She also claims to be very religious and keeps promising us divine punishment even for our slightest failings. But as far as her own actions are concerned, she is above judgement. Also, she is totally hung up on men, even at the age of 62. Her goal in life seems to strike up one affair after another with new men. After that she becomes too clingy and obsessive, compelling the men to hurl abuses at her (or block her on social media sites) and run away. Then my mother will obsess over them and pine away and make our lives hell until she finds the next man. She is still married to my father and they share the same room. But she is extremely abusive towards him and his side of the family. Her behaviour is causing him tremendous emotional stress. We have tried taking her to a counsellor but she refuses to go, saying that my father, my sister and I are crazy. She has no friends and most of our relatives avoid her. Can anybody please suggest a way to deal with her?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:42 am

She is 62? I'm assuming that makes you at least 18 unless she had you in her mid-40's. As an adult, you don't need to deal with your mother. You can live wherever you like and have as little contact with her as you like.

The same holds true for your father.

Sometimes help comes in the form of creating distance in a relationship. This allows the person in need of help make a decision.
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#2

Postby WonderGurl » Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:54 am

And how does all that affect you in any way other than her being a difficult person? Thing is, you're not going to change her. She is who she is and I'm certain that at that age there isn't much hope she will change. It seems to work for her, why would she?

The best way to approach this situation, imo, is for you to start focusing on building up some effective strategies on how to cope with your mother rather than trying to change her. The situation is not about her, it is about you.
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#3

Postby Bhattacharya » Thu Mar 16, 2017 10:11 am

Thank you so much for your kind replies. Yes I am well above 18 and I have no compulsion to stay in touch with my mother. But I do not wish to cut off contact with her except as a last resort. If there is a way I can somehow keep a relationship with her I am willing to try it, so all suggestions are welcome.

You are right, I realize I was hoping to change her. But I see that it will not be possible. Perhaps I should see a counsellor to find a way to cope with her. Thanks again for the replies.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Mar 16, 2017 1:01 pm

Bhattacharya wrote: Yes I am well above 18 and I have no compulsion to stay in touch with my mother. But I do not wish to cut off contact with her except as a last resort. If there is a way I can somehow keep a relationship with her I am willing to try it, so all suggestions are welcome.


Given you are well above 18, the extent to which you keep in contact is up to you. Living with her means constant contact that can't be avoided. Living one house over means contact daily or every other day. Live 30 minutes away and it is contact once a week.

In other words, if you want to manage the relationship you can make a choice of where you live, how often you visit, etc.
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