Strong Urges of Murder

Postby Keian=nr » Sat Mar 18, 2017 7:00 am

I'm going to guess this is the best place to stick this post.

Basic information: I am 17 years old, two months until 18. Please don't tell me I'm too young to be thinking seriously about this -- I have true concerns. Other relevant information, biological sex is female, but I identify as male, which started about two years ago. Feel free to discuss the morality/immorality or comment on it, I know a lot of people do not support this type of thing and believe it to be some manifestation of severe psychological problems. In my opinion, it's just how I want to be perceived in society, and being a man is how I want to be. That, however, is a tangent. I just realise that it may be relevant.

As the title indicates, I have strong urges to murder people. On the surface, one would think I'm a normal high school student, if not a bit of an introvert. Actually, that's not a definite. I switch very obviously from introvert to extrovert at unpredictable moments. I can be a real crowd pleaser, getting along with (or pretending to get along with) everyone in the room. And two minutes later, I can absolutely hate them all. I'd say I seem normal -- I have dreams of going to university, of becoming a great engineer, maybe making a startup. Or getting an education, at least, and then travelling and really getting the human experience, which I believe can only be understood at its basis by experiencing many different facets of life. I've been waitlisted at two decent unis, which I am not overly concerned by (rejected from MIT, but I'm not surprised considering my poor work ethic during high school). My goals are centred around self-improvement, as many people's are, and I want to do my best and to impact society memorably as well as to enjoy life. I'd consider myself a bit of a dreamer. I'm considered intelligent by many of my teachers, and as someone with great potential. (And yeah, I'm probably a narcissist. Sorry.)

But normality isn't assured... I get constant, very strong urges to murder people. I'm drawn to the dark and the morbid, that's a pattern. I enjoy gore, criminal shows, reading about killers. Albert Fish was a particular favourite to browse through. I'll say right now that I absolutely do not approve of what he did -- in fact, I find his exploitation of children gruesome and 100% unforgivable. But I found his case fascinating, and (admittedly) more than enjoyed the nitty gritty of what was done.... or, more specifically, Fish's capability to do what he did. A person's potential and capabilities are always the most amazing things about them.

It would be too easy to murder someone if I really let myself go. Many times have I looked at a parent toting their child along in the supermarket and thought about how light and easy the little babe would be easy to drag off. Not even drag -- kids are easy to lure off with some sweet words. I imagine how easy it would be to kill them, because they won't scream before it's too late and if I play my cards right.

My imaginings are not limited to children. I've thought often about harming adults, even my own father and occasionally my mother. The kitchen is stocked with knives; it'd be so easy to pick one up and punch a few holes in him before he even wakes up and finds out what's happening. I don't particularly hate my father -- I just get annoyed at him. He's hardly ever home, and when he is, all he does is yell at me. But it's excusable for sure, he works hard as a physician and has to deal with many things.

These "murder thoughts" aren't intrusive, per se. They're meanderings and typical daydreams. I can be in economics, arguing about the evils of capitalism, when my mind drifts off a few moments later to how I would kill everyone in the room and then speed off on a motorbike, weaving through cars and speeding away from the police, fleeing to another country or getting caught and shooting myself in the mouth before I'm forced into court. The mass killings aren't as appealing to me as individual murders. For those, I only really need a face and a small moment of interaction. I can say "hi, sweetie!" to a little girl on the streets, and that's all it takes for me to lay out a detailed plan in my head about how I would commit murder on the spot. Taking into account the area we're in, the available methods to me, how quick her mother would be to notice her absence.

I think no one is overly concerned yet, although there are some concerns that my father has from interacting with me in the mornings. I usually have no filter at all, but in the morning I really don't pick and choose my topics at all, which becomes dangerous easily. The main instance I can think of right now is when I was in the kitchen at 6AM, making coffee in a daze, and my father came down and told me good morning. I turned to him and asked, genuinely, "what if you put zippers in people?" I had been thinking about what would happen if I became a serial kidnapper and, instead of killing people, cut a neat and deep line down the centre of their bodies and installed a zipper in them that would allow me to unzip their skin and look at the insides of their bodies. By 6:45AM, I had come around to the conclusion that it wouldn't work because the skin wouldn't heal around the zipper, and it would be hard to make a zipper that prevented bleeding out. My victims would then be dead, which I wouldn't want.

The thing that usually brings these thoughts to a grinding halt is that in this day and age, there are plenty of cameras around. Too many ways of identifying someone just from a single hair or a fingerprint. I'm worried about leaving such traces behind. I can almost definitely say I won't commit murder, because I think there's so much more to living life than committing and getting my vitality cut short because of prison or death sentence (self-induced or not). I would like to do it, though. I might even enjoy it.

I know that I enjoy burning ants, holding down the lower halves of their bodies, and pulling off their legs and antennae, then smashing their lower halves or severing it and letting them live a while more. I know that I enjoy pulling the legs of big spiders off, even if spiders are some of my favourite creatures in the world and I have 7 jars, each housing a cute spider I found in my garden, around the house. I know that I came down to the kitchen with a jar when I was 11 during a mouse infestation, hoping that I could catch one in my jar and pour rubbing alcohol in, watch the mouse choke inside, and then drop a burning match inside into the alcohol.


I'll now cover some past information, since I believe that that is also relevant. For anyone who thinks it's TLDR, don't bother.

From a young age, I have always dealt with aggression issues. This wasn't unlike most kids, really -- tons of boys my age were willing to throw hands in the courtyard. But as young as third grade, my teacher was giving my mother books on how to deal with aggression in children (girls, specifically). As far back as in kindergarten, however, I was provoking other children my age, shouting, pulling hair and clothes, bringing full soda cans into the playground to throw during fights. I was definitely a bully at one point, to one kid exclusively (but interestingly enough, since high school began and I found that kid at my school, I became good friends with him). I've always been aggressive and prone to my impulses. Talk first, act first, think later. I'm great with logic, testing, and things like that, but usually it doesn't apply to my real life.

As a child, I did experience some childhood problems. My mother was prone to screaming and shouting, she once pushed me down a flight of stairs -- though admitted by accident, though she had lashed out in anger in the first place -- and locked me out of the house once for hours. She overfed me, forcing three bowls of food into me at times when I could only handle a half, and forced me to write "I will not lie" a hundred times when I threw away a little food and told her that I in fact did not.

As I grew up, my parents became concerned with my aggression and transferred me from my public elementary school to a Catholic private school. From hundreds of kids in a school, to a class of 30 (K-8). I hated it, and hated all of them horribly. But like a switch was thrown, my entire personality changed. I became a sweet and polite little Asian girl who bowed to her superiors and focused on nothing but my academics. Then I'd go home, become grim and rude, and go play with matches in my room.

I think those four years in private school affected my considerably. Or at least, it pushed me into the capability for more sudden and deeper mood swings. Now, I am unsurprised when I've been apathetic, and then in seconds suddenly turn so rageful that I have to consciously force myself not to lash out at other people. I experience such swings not only emotionally, but in philosophy and the kind of person I am. My beliefs go from "death sentence and extreme torture should be applied to even lighter crimes" to "crimes should be forgiven, eventually, and brutality does not fix things." I can be very sweet and caring for a few days, and believe wholeheartedly that the world is a wonderful place. And then one day, I've suddenly decided humanity is evil and I wouldn't mind a mass genocide -- in fact, I'd even induce it if I were in a place of power. Or, I can be in my current state, which is completely apathy. I don't care about other people, life is just a flash in the life of the universe, and nothing lasts forever.

I've also self-harmed, though very slightly only when I was 13. I had a razor, and experimented on my shoulder. But while it drew out many small beads of blood, it wasn't serious. I'm sure I didn't go deep enough to get past the surface of my skin. I also became prone to suicidal thoughts, and very nearly committed suicide last year out of self-deprecation and hopelessness.

Since then, I've decided that I like myself too much for dying, and that I still have too much to experience before I end the game... and that feeling depressed about life in America is ridiculous when there are starving children in Africa and children with no limbs. I still have suicidal thoughts from time to time, but they're more casual and curious than anything. My plan to end life is to go out in an interesting way -- pouring gasoline over myself and lighting a match, or jumping off of the highest building when I'm 60 or so and life has come to a close. Again, that's more out of curiosity of "how will it feel?" rather than any particular self-hatred.


That's the backstory of my life, as far as I'm concerned. I can provide any other details if anyone wants them, short of anything that provides enough info to allow the FBI to come knocking on my door. That illegal Minecraft download has been haunting me.


Please, discuss courses of action and what could possibly be wrong with me, what's going on in my head, other cases of this happening. Should I be concerned? Please no "yes/no" answers -- I really am interested in people's full opinions, and in possibly even having some discourse about this.
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Postby Leo Volont » Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:21 pm

Keian=nr wrote:
I'm going to guess this is the best place to stick this post.....


Dear Keian,

Oh, in regards to your being bio-female but identifying as a male, I was wondering if you have gone on any Hormone Treatments, as I would be inclined to suspect that adding Testosterone to your already aggressive baseline persona would only increase the levels of aggression. Or is ‘aggression’ the right word. Apparently when you were young your parents thought you so overly ‘aggressive’ that they enrolled you into that Private School. But my general impression is that you are not some overt and apparent ‘trouble maker’, but that you keep your ‘aggressions’ quiet and in the shadows. You describe yourself as being “rageful” but you can still manage to contain yourself.

You are extremely bright. I assume you already contemplated ‘monetizing’ your inclinations. Now, I’ve never thought too deeply about it, because violence and gore would frankly kind of leave me frightened, but you must have put a lot of thought into how you could go about applying for a Job as some kind of a Government Agent Covert Assassin. I once talked with one person who had a strong urge to Kill, and he or she was able to ‘mainstream’ his or her inclinations by becoming the Slaughterer in a Slaughter House – a Meat Packing Plant somewhere. Apparently it is a Job that is difficult to fill. But you are Top University Material. You would think that somewhere in the World there is a Need for just your type of person. But if you don’t already know where to Apply for the Job, then there is nothing I could suggest… unless later on I get some epiphany out of the Blue.

OH! We have not spoken of your Nationality, but Most Countries have Militaries and the Militaries have Military Intelligence Units, and that is where the National Intelligence Agency does most of their Recruitment. Maybe you could ‘get your hands bloody’ by being an Official “Spook”. But it would be a gamble. I know we see in the Movies that there are just as many female Spy Assassins as Male, but in the Real World it probably just some Big Boy’s Club and the boys don’t like sharing their play ground with the girls. Then there is the potential problem with your Sexual Identification – a Man hiding in a Woman’s Body could be a Great Asset, but a Woman becoming a Man would only be a guy with marginal upper body strength (and yes, there are a lot of weak guys out there too, me included). Could you comfortably ‘go under cover’ as a female… like the way you Played the Part when you were in Private School?

Oh, I don’t mean to pry, but when I began to think about whether you could ‘Condition’ yourself away from your present morbid fixations and contemplations, it occurred to me that the Problem would be magnified if they were much tied into your Libido. For instance, when I was young I was an Airplane Pilot and so often when I am day dreaming, I think of being 10,000 feet up and circling around the clouds over a nice green countryside. But if that was harmful somehow, well, I could counter those Ideas with other Ideas. BUT if Sexual Arousal was tied into it, then that would add a whole other level of Complexity. If the Libido is uninvolved then any two thoughts are more or less equal (yes, that is an over simplification because it discounts Intensity), but one can’t substitute so easy for Sexual Fetishes (is that the right word?). So, may I ask, are your murderous and sadistic contemplations sexually neutral? If so, then you could go a long way toward steering yourself into a different mental direction simply by staying away from any further Media Inputs, and find a New Hobby to fixate on. For instance, I decided as a 2nd Career to go into Mathematics – I could be a Teacher or get work Tutoring, and I choice Math because everybody Hates Math and so the Field would be wide open, and I am smart enough to figure it out so I wouldn’t have a problem with it. But I find that after a few years of studying Math, I actually find it interesting now. If it is just a Matter of what you Prefer to Think About, then you might only have to choose a New Road and stick to it long enough until the Old Road is out of sight. But if your Libido is tied into it, then, well, with no other ideas striking me at the moment, I would believe you are stuck your thinking the way it is.

Well, now that I think about it. If your Morbid Thoughts are tied into your Libido, well, I remember when I was Young. The Libido is Strongest in the Young, and it quickly diminishes as one gets older… the males ‘dropping off’ a bit before the females do. I have no idea how it would work in your case. I read somewhere that “Normal People” have a sexual thought every 47 seconds on the average, or something like that, which I found hard to believe at the time. Now that I am a Senior Citizen, I suppose that I can go DAYS without a sexual thought. Anyway, the direction this line of thought was taking was that if your Morbid Fixations are connected with your Libido, then they are probably close to their peak at about Now, and will taper off Decade by Decade. But, yes, the Days do creep by, don’t they?

Anyway, I may be thinking along the wrong lines.

Oh, something just occurred to me… and I don’t mean to encourage anything blatantly immoral, but one could imagine that if a person had the inclination for such a ‘Career’ then they could become something of a Freelance Predator – you know, ‘Top of the Food Chain’ …. Like Disney’s “Lion King” but with real life teeth and claws. Such a person could ‘Hunt’ around and find Cash Rich Low Life Predators to prey upon that the Greater Moral Society would never miss. A Freelance Predator would focus on the Criminal or Underworld Element which would not get much protection from the State Authorities. And if the Free Lancer had no ‘Mob or Political Connections’ then the other Criminals or Whoever would not know where to look to get their revenge. Of course it would be Complicated, but a Very Smart Person could figure out all the Details – how to abduct, shake down, murder and dispose of their Subjects without attracting undue attention or leaving a ‘trail’. Yes, there is always Evidence, but only if the Law knows where to look for it. For instance, in the USA they have statistics on Murder which get a lot of attention, but they also keep statistics on Missing Persons. For every One Murdered Person there must be 100 Missing Persons, BUT, realistically speaking , most of the 100 Missing Persons have been Murdered. To help elucidate my point, well, I have heard people “Out West” speak of open Mine Shafts that drop off thousands of feet which they mention whenever anybody is disturbing the local Peace and Tranquility, which would lead me to suspect that such Open Mine Shafts, over the years, must be clogged with ‘Missing Persons’. There are just Too Many to look for. You know that every once in a while on TV there is some Celebrity Murder and that Nation’s attention is focused on it, but I believe this might just be a form of Propaganda – to Tell the Public that the Police are out there Solving Murders, when actually I believe the Truth is that the Police only decide to commit the ‘man hours’ to a homicide investigation if they actually have a body that they can’t make go away. If somebody is just ‘missing’ then I don’t believe the police are going to send out the dogs to sniff for bodies. Besides, Unclosed Cases look bad, and so the Police are not eager to dig up crimes they might have a difficult time solving.

And to get back To the Possibilities for a Career in Freelance Predation, well, to be Economically Workable there would have to be enough Cash Flow to provide for Wardrobe, late model Used Cars paid for with cash, disposable weapons and the necessary chemical and mechanical body disposal gear. A person would have to walk away from every job Entirely Clean. Oh, the person would need some ‘Front’ … some Plausible Reason for all that Travelling Around… and to explain their Affluence if they actually become Successful with such a Venture. Oh, Psychic Fortune Teller. One could say that they pledged secrecy to their clients. One could actually Pay Taxes and report the Income from Confidential Consultations (that never actually happen). If anybody asks one to Prove Psychic Ability, they can be silenced simply by quoting the Cost for such a Service. But I am sure there are other ‘Fronts’ that are being utilized by such Careerists. And IT must be an Actual Career Field, for, when you think of it, you cannot have all that Fruit out there without anybody thinking of Picking It.

And what happens if one does get Caught. Prison actually appeals to some people.

Anyway, I tried to think of something that might help, but this is all quite outside my experience and sometimes I do wish I was smarter. I’m sorry I couldn’t help.
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Postby Leo Volont » Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:18 am

Dear Keian,

You know, although it would be very troubling for me to commit violence (to illustrate, I grew up in the Rural Countryside where all the kids would toss rocks at the rabbits, but when I was about 13 years old, I actually ‘hit’ one of the poor things, and it presented a horrible feeling to me, and I was so glad to see it hop away, and I still hope that it had recovered entirely from however so much I had hurt it. Then when I was in the Army, we where given harmless laser attachments for our rifles and blank cartridges to train with, and I remember how when I got one of the assigned “enemies” in my sights, I hesitated and went back over in my mind about how ‘harmless it all was and that I had indeed actually verified that the ‘blanks’ were indeed ‘blanks’ before I could pull the trigger. If it was a real war and I was aiming at a real enemy, I can’t imagine how troubling it might have been for me. Then just several years back on a rural road I passed what looked like a dead cat that had been hit by a car, but it moved as I went by. Apparently the poor thing was still suffering. I stopped and went back and looked the poor thing over, and its injuries were massive, but it was still alive. So I located its carotid arteries in its neck and clamped down on them tight with my fingers to prevent blood from going to its brain so that it would pass out into unconsciousness and then die peacefully. It took about a minute. Well, that really shook me up. I like cats and I could see that this had been a truly noble creature. I had to open a bottle of Scotch when I got home – the good stuff.)… but yes, while I am almost incapable of any Deliberate and Un-Provoked Violence, still there is a Kind of ‘Murder Mystery’ Fascination with it. So when I am trying to figure out a Way for you to somehow Find a Place for Yourself in the World, I suppose much of it comes from that kind of Murder Plot Fascination.

But the more I thought about it, the less I suppose there is any real chance for finding such a niche in the Modern World. That is because there are more and more Surveillance Devices. You see, I was thinking that in order to Murder somebody who is in any degree affluent, and you wish to divert the attention of the Authorities, you would have to dispose of the Car as well as the Body. You see, if Anybody is reported missing, and their Car is still sitting in the driveway, or where they last parked it, then It Does Look As Though Something is Wrong. So a Murderer would have to make sure the Car is Missing To, so then it would seem like only a case where the Missing Person decided to Leave Town on his own. Then, with a little more Thinking, it occurred to me that all one would have to do is to park the car within several blocks of any Bus Station, Rail Road Station or Airport, and it would appear to the Police to be much the same thing – that the Missing Person simply decided to Leave Town on his own but just wanted to go Farther than a Car could take him. That was when I began to think about all the Surveillance Cameras. Anybody who really got curious could look at Area Data and NOT Find the Missing Person either being behind the wheel of his own car, or walking to the Bus Station or Where Ever.

Right NOW Surveillance has the problem of being too difficult and cumbersome to analyze. However, even I am smart enough to figure out a Theory on how to use Imaging Software to effectively INDEX Surveillance Camera Data into basic Data Sets. You know, when Computerization first came out they had the same problem with Text, Audio and Video Data and it did not take them long before they were able to achieve Compression Formats to minimize the necessary File Sizes for all these kinds of Information. Now with Surveillance, if all you need to do is Track Cars and People, then the Compression could bring the File Sizes down to practically nothing. Law Enforcement would not have to actually Look At all the Surveillance ‘Footage’ for the Time and Places under question, when all they would have to do is do a Search in the Surveillance Indexes for ‘Unfrequent Cars’ and Unfrequent or Unknown Persons. Then they could us the Indexing to review only what could be of possible interest. Once this kind of Surveillance Indexing becomes common, well, any Career Killer would always be ringing that “Unknown Person” Bell.

So, Keian, I suppose to be able to find a place where you can Fit into the Grand Scheme of Things, you will have to simply find a Really Gory Career Field somewhere.

Oh, I was also thinking about Propensity for Taking Risk. Yes, you have a savage and sadistic streak a mile wide, BUT you couldn’t possibly be a Government Assassin, a Special Ops Assassin or a Mercenary Assassin unless you ALSO had a very above average Propensity for Taking Risk. Who knows how much the Fear of Getting Caught saves the World from all sorts of Destruction and Mayhem that could be committed by people with Dark Inclinations if they could only be completely certain they could ‘get away with it’.
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