Missing old partners

Postby LenaLee » Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:11 pm

Hello, how are you all ?
I have a very strange problem. I am happily married to a guy who I've loved from the very first moments we met. I completely changed my life because of him. However, I miss my old boyfriends sometimes. Our talks, our time together, that way I felt weird, and adventurous with them, since they were both amazingly cool people and into extreme sports. My ex boyfriends were adventurous and fun, I am a pretty adventurous person myself. I was going rock climbing, long distance hiking, I was travelling a lot, having fun on my own. My husband is not like it. He is handsome, loyal, a wonderful loving man, and I am too. I love him, I wouldnt cheat on him. He even took me to some trips and gives me gifts and flowers, but my freedom and the fun is dead. With my marriage, that fun part of me has died. My husband does not make bad jokes, he is afraid of heights and much more tame. I remember my ex, how we went horseback riding, or how we went to some crazy concerts. My husband is working 14 hours per day, and I understand and respect him. But I suffer, and I cant help it, because i started having arrhythmias, thus Ive gained some physical manifestations of my sorrow. I feel pain in my heart, because I miss the person who I was with my exes and our strange talking. I miss my "crazy" friendships, sudden trips and stupid things in life. I wish to hear from some of my exes. I feel my life would be complete then. But they would think I am in love with them, or want to see them and date them again. But i don't. I just think I would feel that way again, the way I was, if I revived our friendships. But they would either think I love them or want to date them again. Which is not the case. I hope you guys understand me. Because I feel a heavy rock on my heart .
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Postby tokeless » Mon Mar 20, 2017 6:07 pm

Talk to your husband and suggest putting some excitement it to both your lives. He may need encouraging and it may do him good. Otherwise you're looking outside of your relationship for the answer.... we all know how that could turn out.
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Postby LenaLee » Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:00 am

Dear tokeless, I would love to tell him more about my feelings. But when I start talking about it (and believe me I tried), he gets offended. He is easily hurt by anything I tell him. He doesnt get grumpy or nervous, but he gets genuinely sad. He expects from me only compliments, how everything is great, and if I mention some things I miss in my life, he gets offended easily and doesn't want to talk about it. So I am really feeling caught up, and there is nothing else but to accept this life as it is and hope the sadness would go away eventually :(
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Postby Candid » Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:22 am

What's stopping you going out for adventures in extreme sports without him? You tell him where you're going and when you expect to be back, then you go off, ride a horse, climb rocks or whatever, and make new friends.

Husbands and wives aren't joined at the hip. You'll be a happier person when you're with him, he'll have the freedom to do things and see people without you, and who knows? He might decide to join you for some things.
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Postby deliadelia » Wed Mar 22, 2017 2:17 pm

talk to him..
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Postby Jamie514 » Sun Apr 02, 2017 2:20 pm

tokeless wrote:Talk to your husband and suggest putting some excitement it to both your lives. He may need encouraging and it may do him good. Otherwise you're looking outside of your relationship for the answer.... we all know how that could turn out.

well said tokeless; actually I was going to say the same thing but you already said. Thanks :)
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Postby yquest » Wed Apr 05, 2017 2:49 am

I agree with Candid. It's important that you can fill this void with friends. Sometimes your soul mate can't fulfill your every need and desire. However I noticed that you aren't complaining about a lack of friends but just miss your old exes which I may be wrong but leads me to believe you are craving a romantic connection. If not, then why would you not be able to get these desires fulfilled with friends? Meeting and learning about new people can be exciting too. Join some meetups, do some of the things you enjoy alone for a change. I would just look for other alternatives besides relying on your husband to change. Hope this helps.
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Postby LenaLee » Thu May 04, 2017 11:07 am

Hello everyone. My post may be lengthy, but there is something new I would like you to read. I am back with some news which are, unfortunately, not very well, regarding my life.
First off, huge thank you to everyone who read about my problem and responded in such a friendly, warm, humane way. It means a lot to me and I hope life all treats you well in return, thank you for all the kindness and compassion.
I had some time to reflect on my problems, feelings. The point is, I didn't actually miss my old partners, as I first thought. I missed that period in life, because my relationships with them were more friendly than romantic. I travelled a lot and lived a life Ive always wanted. I was free to do whatever I want. I was free to go awol for a week and come back with bunch of photos. I love that life and I cannot change myself.
What really breaks my heart (and why I am crying right now , and all the time since yesterday afternoon) is the pain I carry in my heart, because I really love my husband. I changed myself, my life because of him. He was treating me nicely, he was a good loyal husband, but I am the one who changed myself for him, so he could keep on living his life the way he always did without having to make any changes. I still love him, but my ego, my self respect, my love for myself is still there. The essence of my being, my concsious, whatever that is, is fighting back. And I suffer very much because I still love him, but I think I might just have to let him go.
I told him that I dont recognize myself. THat my ilfe is now basically all that he wants, regardless my wishes. I asked from him to change something and to acknowledge my needs to live. He was offended and told me literally "i can go if i dont like it" and after begged me to forgive him. Then he promised things would change. He booked a trip for two of us. Together, we payed for plane tickets, chose a hotel, arranged everything. He was very excited himself. He even got in touch with HIS friend who lives in that country, so that they could meet for a beer (again, it has to be something important to him, just being to holiday is not enough). He told to his family, everything got sorted. I decided not to buy my new car before the trip, but to buy a new car in june, after we come back home. Trip is literally next week. I must add, that I am working and earning as well. His friends like me, my co workers like me, I am in general a nice person, I (can say without any feeling of guilt) am rather very attractive woman and never in my life ever never I betrayed him in any way.
Last night he said that we are not going. No matter everything is arranged.
I asked why, he said because in july WE are travelling to his brothers wife in the Philippines so thats just too much travelling for him.
Trip to his brothers wife , which he didnt even ask if i want to go. I HAVE TO GO if he said we are going, we are going.
He then turned back on me and said my talking is boring.
My heart is broken. My ego and my strong love for him are completely conflicted at this point. Before marriage I was a perfectly healthy person, happy with my life. Last year I had a tachycardia episode and I feel I am becoming sick and I am losing my strength. This morning I find it hard to vacuum the house. Instead of resting on my day off I cry all the time and avoid going outside.
I tried talking to him. He saw that as false threats and found it boring. He doesnt take me seriously. Unfortunately, I dont have any more strength left in me. No matter how much I love him, no matter how empty my life is without him, I want to be myself. I want to be important, at least to me, if not to anyone else or him. I dont want to cheat on him. I dont want to punish him. I just want to be happy like i was before we met.
Yesterday, I said that I feel like, on one side, there is him, our life in 4 walls with only work and no adventure, except for boring family trips he wants me to take, because of his family, and on the other side there is life, full of hope, new things, new beginnings, new memories, new restless nights. I said that he brought me too far and now i literally have to chose between being me, or being just someones slave, wife or the follower.
He said "youre boring me". Thats when I realised.
I feel like I will miss him. I will miss our memories and our happy moments (and there were many, not gonna iie). But he does not take me seriously. He is not afraid to lose me, because he thinks I would never leave him. There are no more aces up my sleeve; neither there are any other things left which I could give up on for him. He will have a lot of time to regret for doing these mistakes, he is that kind of person which is too full of himself to believe I would leave him.
I am that kind of person that would do everything for him, but since the thought of suicide occurred in my mind, I realised I have to escape from this poison and the shameful way he treats me.
I am getting divorced throughout this year. First Ill be working for a month and then Im off to a very lengthy trip, completely alone.
last night I said, "i got married because i wanted you to be my partner in everything and you said you will be. IF you didnt want to go you should have said and not pay for everything and make me hope i will go".
FOr all those who ask me about my friends, he is so jealous that he ilterally chased all my friends away and I have zero friends (if we dont count HIS FRIENDS), which is exactly how he wanted.
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Postby Livetowin » Thu May 04, 2017 12:28 pm

So sorry to hear about this latest episode but that was going to come eventually based on your earlier problem. I understand how you are seeing this and I certainly understand what you define as sacrifice for the marriage. What you are NOT seeing is where you were not honest with yourself (or him) before you got married.

You NEVER go into a marriage to change yourself or someone else. If either party is undefined at that moment of commitment, you've just planted the seeds for discourse that will surely bloom. Marriage is not a antidote for incapability. If you were choosing not to be yourself, you have to look in the mirror and own that decision. That is not his fault. What seems to be happening here, is you are just now waking up to how much you chose to change to be with this person whom you state you love so much.

All of these things that you miss are really just symptomatic of the bigger problem which is you got married before you were ready to let go of the freedom that single life affords you. I can understand why he doesn't have allot of energy for the things you want to do because anyone working 14 hours a day has got to be beat as a dog at the end of a work week like that. If he works five days that's a 70 hour work week. That comes close to working two full time jobs. What were the two of you doing when you just dated? Was he more agreeable and changed over the course of the marriage or has he always been the way he is? When did his work load become so enormous? Did he have that when the two of you dated?

I think you have a situation here where two people are living completely opposite lives. He's over-worked and likely stressed out and you're spending a great deal of time away from him as result of that work load which gives you too much time to reminisce about easier times which may have garnered more attention than they would service you in real life. I think before you throw away your marriage, you should sit down and look at things from a different vantage point than you simply wanting to run away on the weekend and go rock climbing.

He's putting in too many hours which is probably making him very lethargic and this is also placing weight on your circumstances because you're needing more out of him when he does finally get home and that's not happening for you. I would examine life/work balance and at least try and find ways to better improve the quality of your time together first before you throw this away. Sounds like both parties are sacrificing but neither recognizes that from the other. But however this plays out, please remember you only control yourself. What you chose to do, or not do, is something only you can decide. I wish you well and hope this can be resolved for both of you.
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Postby LenaLee » Thu May 04, 2017 12:55 pm

Unfortunately, the problem is that, when he has free time, he spends it only the way he wants to spend it.
Not just spending it by himself, but he always says WE will do this and that. WE will go there and there. Only where he finds it amusing.
He cancelled the trip we planned almost two months ago, everything is payed and we should fly out on next friday. LIterally week before trip.
He does not want to listen to what I have to say. At the start, we were travelling more, going to concerts, exhibitions. He just stopped trying and got used to me doing whatever he wants. Before, when he would say "no" to something I wanted, I would accept that. I am just fed up of accepting only what he wants.
Unfortunately, he is not over worked. If he is overworked, then so am I (we have the same number of hours lately).
I think divorce is for the better because at the start he pretended to like things I like. So he was fooling me. We know each other for years, so when he showed what he is really like, I accepted it. I said "oh what the hell, he is not as adventurous as me, but i still love him". But now , he doesnt even include me in decision making process of any kind. He doesnt respect me and is not afraid of me, he treats me like my life depends on him, and that is my fault because i showed him that I care.
I bought him a shirt a month ago and he cared so much that he didnt even unpack it and try it on, to see how it fits him. I am just thinking to dump those shirts in the trash bin.
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Postby Livetowin » Thu May 04, 2017 2:36 pm

Well, it definitely sounds like you've gone from unsure to total resolve in a very short period. I think your decision to leave was already established before you came here though. The only thing I will reiterate is not to pass off your decisions as something he did. You seem to carry allot of resentment towards him for things you chose to do. Just because you reasoned it for him does not mean he made you do it. If you chose not to stand up and have your opinion recognized then you helped make the bed you lie in today. If you are not at peace with ANY of those decisions then they were ALL wrong when you made them and not just when he didn't reciprocate.

And I don't say any of this to suggest in any way, he is not accountable and at fault for his oversights or actions of neglect. But when you leave this situation, he will be gone and you will only have yourself to work on. Whatever he did or didn't do will be history. All you can work on is yourself and fix those areas where your instincts told you to give away your identity for this person. But I also hope you understand that sacrificing is not always going to be an equal transaction. Sometimes you WILL be on the short end of the stick. That's life.

People can get themselves into ruts where they are depressed and just follow one pattern of behavior because they are overwhelmed. And that pattern can come from both the person controlling the narrative and/or the person deferring to that narrative. But either way, both are choosing of their own free will to be there under those conditions. Marriage should never change your identity but can often challenge your commitment depending on the ebb and flow of hard times emotionally. Hence the vows to stay with it, when all looks bleak.

When you get yourself grounded on the single side of life again, I would put allot of time into yourself and building a new connection to your own identity that is permanent and not pliable when you find someone new. You should always feel you are being yourself under any circumstances. Make decisions that service you as well as those involved. Any decision you make in life should be made on solid ground adjacent to who it is you are. And regardless of the results, you should have peace that you made the best decision and not regret it.

I wish you well and hope you find peace in the new world you build for yourself. Just make sure you stay front and center of that world at all times. All my best!
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Postby LenaLee » Thu May 04, 2017 2:58 pm

Thank you Livetowin. Unfortunately, I fail to see where I made a mistake. I think it was because I didnt say "enough!" the first time he showed signs of being selfish.
To me it is a very hard time, but last night I kind of made this decision to divorce, and as the time goes by, I feel stronger that this is the right thing to do.
When we got married, I loved him so much that , if we separated, I wouldnt be able to live without him. But thanks to him, who never listens to me, never consults me, never asks for my opinion, makes the decisions all by himself, somehow that love grew smaller, and smaller.
Now life without him not only seems possible, but easier.
I love him. He was a very different man, but sadly has changed throughout these years. I am a very proud woman and constantly "No", "youre boring me" ,"no", "because i said so" is definitely not someone who I can spend my life with.
Given the fact that I was working, never cheated on him, respected his family and friends gives me right to think I wasnt the only one making mistakes. It is very bad to believe that it's always a woman's fault.
But everybody else can be right, for me its most important to be happy and healthy and not live with someone who thinks I would never leave him and treat me badly.
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Postby Livetowin » Thu May 04, 2017 5:35 pm

Hi Lena. No where am I assigning blame for why the relationship didn't work. Ultimately that is between you and him. And only you and him will have to live with that. I can only speak to you about what you have said here. And what you said was that you gave away to much authority to him. That has nothing to do with your gender or that it's YOUR fault this marriage didn't work. What I AM saying is you can control what you give to others because, clearly, you gave too much here.

Every response you have given in this thread you have stated, " I didn't say this... I gave up that... I accepted less...I allowed him to do this." Who is doing this? You are. That is not assigning blame. I'm trying to get you to step outside your circumstances and understand the mechanics of what is happening here. Based on your depiction of these events I can't imagine anyone would feel you were not invested in this man and didn't gave 1000% I get all of that. No one is trying to shame you or suggest you're the "villain".

What I AM trying to do is EMPOWER you with the tools to avoid this in the future by examining your role in how you may have hurt yourself. The worst thing you can do is walk away from this feeling you're just a victim. Yes, he might have pushed you away and yes this conclusion may have been inevitable. But by your own admission, you gave away too much in this situation and your resentment is palpable here.

There are two rules in life I live by - 1) I only control myself and 2) I don't let the words of others define me. I live that way because I know first hand what it's like for someone to define my value and participation in life. I know what low self esteem looks like, feels like, and most importantly acts like. When you are constantly deferring to another person, you are surrendering your identity and right to be happy by your definition.

Throughout this thread you have offered endless examples of deferment and taking a backseat in this marriage that, at the time, you felt you needed to do for the sake of the marriage. And now that the marriage is ending you are feeling allot of anger and resentment because you made those sacrifices looking for him to recognize that and reform, but it never happened. That is the rabbit hole of low self-esteem my friend. When you say to yourself, " I'm going to do all this and they will eventually see my sacrifice and recognize me" you have set yourself up for allot of pain. There's no payday for all that work. You can't fall on the sword for people and think they will see your compromise. You can set yourself ablaze and think people will understand your pain.

When you make decisions in life, be it in a marriage, your best friend, parents, a work associate, or your counselor or priest, you are best served to first know who you are and what you will and will not do before you EVER render a decision. YOU must account for your own well-being FIRST in life. If you don't see value in yourself how is anyone else going to? You can't respect yourself if you constantly compromise who it is you are and what it is you want to do because you feel you "have to" to service someone else's happiness. That is not the role of marriage or something you should be thinking is expected of you.

Do we have to make compromises along the way? Of course we do. When we live with another person we have to accommodate and assist along the way to pick that person up and recognize their individuality and struggles. But we never do that at the expense of surrendering who it is we are. We do this through a careful communication of checks and balances. You did not get that afforded you in this marriage. You were constantly handing away who it is you are and that's not what we are supposed to do in marriage.

So what I want you to know as one who is a survivor of being punished by other people is that you can have ALL OF THE CONTROL yourself. You just have to want it bad enough and love yourself enough to know you deserve it. So take it back for yourself and NEVER surrender it again. There's never a noble reason to be miserable and self-sacrificing. You owe yourself happiness and contentment that is never on the auctioning block for anyone else, no matter what the situation is. i wish you peace and happiness in your future.
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