Low self esteem destroying relationship

Postby Anonymous_girl » Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:42 pm

So I'm 17 years old. My boyfriend is much older than me. (26) he likes to watch programmes like game of thrones and a lot of it is basically nudity. He knows how I feel about porn (I Despise it) before you all say that him watching game of thrones is his choice, I need to grow up and understand it's just boobs, it's just a show. I know that. But there's a difference between seeing boobs and seeing the girls with the boobs out getting sexual with another girl Knowing your boyfriend loves that kind of stuff. How can I sit back and let that happen? How can I sit back and accept that he's sat there being excited by this action? I can't. It destroys me and it's causing so many arguments in our relationship :( please help me!!
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:49 pm

Anonymous_girl wrote: How can I sit back and let that happen?


You are not sitting back and letting it happen. You have expressed your concerns to your boyfriend. You have argued, you have explained you don't find his behavior acceptable. He doesn't care. What does that tell you?
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#2

Postby Anonymous_girl » Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:52 pm

H.
Last edited by Anonymous_girl on Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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#3

Postby Anonymous_girl » Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:53 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Anonymous_girl wrote: How can I sit back and let that happen?


You are not sitting back and letting it happen. You have expressed your concerns to your boyfriend. You have argued, you have explained you don't find his behavior acceptable. He doesn't care. What does that tell you?

He does care. I know he cares. He tells me "I understand how you feel about game of thrones, but I don't watch it for the nudity, I watch it for the plot" i researched the show myself and found that the show was mainly sex so how is there a plot! The plot is sex! He told me he wouldn't watch it and instantly I felt a weight of my shoulders but then I felt controlling so I told him if he wants to watch it he can but just know I'd rather you didn't as it bothers me, I know he's still going to watch it. What does this say? Like why can't he live without this show I'm sure there's others like it minus the damn right porn in it? Thank you for your reply by the way.
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#4

Postby quietvoice » Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:22 pm

Is he watching the show on his own time? In other words, you're not sitting with him watching it, or hanging around at his place (or wherever) while he watches the show?
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#5

Postby Anonymous_girl » Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:07 am

No I don't watch him with it. He watches it alone. Sometimes he will watch it and not even tell me he is watching it cause he doesn't want me to be upset. This just makes me feel worse that he can't be up front with me. I never control him, I simply tell him how much it bothers me. But he still makes out he doesn't care about the sex even though if he was single that would not be his answer
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#6

Postby wonkymirror » Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:37 am

I know where you are coming at with Game of Thrones, but I would be hard pressed to find any heterosexual guy that didn't enjoy looking at the naked women, I wouldn't take it to heart. Maybe you aren't being entirely honest with yourself as to why it bothers you so much? like you say it's "just boobs"
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#7

Postby bert_ernie » Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:11 pm

Anonymous_girl wrote:No I don't watch him with it. He watches it alone. Sometimes he will watch it and not even tell me he is watching it cause he doesn't want me to be upset. This just makes me feel worse that he can't be up front with me. I never control him, I simply tell him how much it bothers me. But he still makes out he doesn't care about the sex even though if he was single that would not be his answer


i doubt he is watching it for the sex scenes. game of thrones is insanely popular. i guess in small part because of a combination of sex & violence. but mainly because of the story & characters. people get excited about the universe and want to know what will happen next. which main character will be killed off or which intrigue will happen next.

if he was watching it mainly for the sex scenes why wouldn't he cut out middle man by just watching porn?

it just sounds like your insecurities are biasing your perceptions.
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Mar 31, 2017 3:41 pm

Anonymous_girl wrote:He does care. I know he cares. He tells me "I understand how you feel about game of thrones, but I don't watch it for the nudity, I watch it for the plot"


That is not caring. You are confusing the difference between what a person says and a person does. A persons words verses their actions. Just because a person says, "I love you" doesn't make it true. If they say, "I love you" yet sleep with another woman you will say, "But I know he loves me, because he told me, he told me the other woman was just a one time thing."

Now I'm not saying his lack of caring about your opinion, his lack of respect for your values, your beliefs is necessarily an incorrect response on his part. If I was in his position I would watch game of thrones as well, but I wouldn't be dating you either. Why? Because I would recognize that what I believe and what you believe are vastly different and I would have no desire or the energy to stick around and try to work through the huge gap, apparently driven by your low self-esteem and what you consider to be "porn" vs what he views as inappropriate. Nothing against you, but I would move on. But that is me and not him.

He is probably sticking around, because regardless of the difference in your beliefs about "porn" and your low self-esteem, he currently enjoys other benefits and things about the relationship that outweigh the negatives. How long do you think that will last if you continue to have a huge difference, a gap in your beliefs? Do you expect him to change or modify his beliefs? Do you expect at some point you will be able to convince him to care and respect that you feel hurt when he watches an R rated movie or series that has sex scenes? If you expect him to change his belief, I wouldn't hold my breath. More than likely what will happen is over time he will simply tire of your belief, it will get old and when another female comes along that doesn't have your beliefs...when another female thinks Game of Thrones is a great series and enjoys the scenes, then your boyfriend will be tempted to reconsider his relationship with you.

If you don't want the above, then the alternative is to focus on your beliefs. Focus on improving your low self-esteem and question your beliefs about the difference between a sex scene in a popular adult themed series and porn. To do this, maybe go watch some actual porn. Have you ever actually watched porn? It is vastly different than whatever research you did on Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones has a complex series of plots and yes people sometimes get naked and have simulated sex scenes. Porno is not simulated and I challenge you to find a single porno ever created in the history of man that has a plot past a pizza boy ringing a door bell. Actually, I'm sure somewhere out there is a failed example of some porn director that tried to make an actual plot, but that is beside the point. You don't seem to draw a distinction between actual porn and what the vast majority of people believe to be an R rated, adult series. Your belief is NOT consistent with the majority. That doesn't make your belief right or wrong, but how is that belief working out for you in life? It doesn't sound to me like it is working out very well.
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#9

Postby davidanthony » Mon May 01, 2017 2:45 pm

I don't see how changing your beliefs is going to help you resolve any low self-esteem issues you may have. If anything, surely that will make it worse? You are so unworthy, so unimportant, that your significant other isn't even willing to ditch a stupid TV program for you? Your beliefs are yours and if you go changing them to suit other people, you may disappear completely. People should respect your beliefs, not trivialize them.
Focus on your self-esteem, build yourself up in your own eyes. When you understand how special your are, how unique you are and how much you have to offer this world, you won't need relationship advice. You'll know exactly what to do!
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon May 01, 2017 4:34 pm

davidjonescpc wrote: People should respect your beliefs, not trivialize them.


Bull. A recipe for disaster is expecting others to respect and not trivialize whatever you may believe. You end up focusing on what others "should" do, rather than what you should do.

When you understand how special your are, how unique you are and how much you have to offer this world, you won't need relationship advice.


Another dysfunctional belief that being "unique" is somehow an important or special trait. If everyone is "unique" then being unique has no value. You are unique, I am unique, the OP is unique, the other 7+ billion people in the world are all unique, which makes uniqueness a non-unique trait.
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#11

Postby davidanthony » Mon May 01, 2017 5:59 pm

Really? Did I actually read those words?
Expecting others to respect and not trivialize whatever you may believe is a recipe for disaster? Respecting and not trivializing what others believe is part of the job description where I come from! And focusing on what others should do is a prerequisite of not getting trampled on, taken advantage of and abused.
Speaking of dysfunctional, what kind of warped thinking suggests that the fact that everyone is unique means it has no value? Which makes uniqueness a non-unique trait? It's not a trait! It's a fact, a simple fact and it's probably the most important fact regarding human beings!
You state her belief is "not consistent with the majority". Bravo young lady, bravo! Since when has being consistent with the majority been a goal in life?
And please, stop trying to wax lyrical with the distinction between porn and whatever. Two women, with their boobs out, getting it on, and a man sitting there enjoying it, COME ON! I'd have to go a long way to find a woman who was comfortable with that. Oh look! See what I just did? I've proven that her belief IS actually consistent with the majority......of women! Have you not been paying attention? Have you not seen what women all over the world are talking about on social media and in magazines? Wakey-wakey! It's not about a TV program. It's about telling a woman what she should and shouldn't accept when it comes to anything of a sexual nature.
"How is that belief working out for you in life? It doesn't sound to me like it is working out very well".
From where I'm standing, it seems to be working just fine!
If someone sets the bar high, no-one has a right to tell them to lower it. It is a question of standards and we each (being unique) decide what our standards are.
You must've been focusing on her living with her boyfriend.
I was focusing on her living with herself.
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#12

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon May 01, 2017 6:32 pm

Congrats. In one post you demonstrate my point beautifully.

It's a job description where you come from? Then I guess you should be fired as you just successfully demonstrated you don't practice what you preach. You have just demonstrated that you do not respect and have trivialized my beliefs! Boo hoo, I'm devastated, lol. You have no empathy for my beliefs and I should expect you to respect and not trivialize my opinions.

Luckily, I don't mind that you don't respect my beliefs and want to trivialize. I don't care that you don't live the very values you claim to promote. It's okay, because what you "should" do as you claim others should is not relevant to my self esteem, same as what others do not respect or trivialize about the OP should not matter.

Thank you.
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#13

Postby quietvoice » Mon May 01, 2017 7:08 pm

davidjonescpc wrote:I don't see how changing your beliefs is going to help you resolve any low self-esteem issues you may have.

Interesting that you say that . . . isn't self-esteem, whether "high" or "low", built upon beliefs?

There's the belief that there is a self, and then there are the beliefs about the self.
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#14

Postby davidanthony » Mon May 01, 2017 7:30 pm

Nope, I demonstrated no such thing.
You posted your opinion on the young lady's post. I made no comment on your post.
I posted my opinion and you replied that I was talking "Bull".
Word to the wise; when you tell someone that their beliefs are "bull", you have pretty much lost any hope of getting their respect. And that's not the other person being hypocritical, it's not the other person failing to practice what they preach.
That is human nature. That is the way it is. That's how it works, Richard. Not my rules.
I came here to learn from other people. I came to share experiences and, if I possibly can, help and support people. Can I get back to what I came here for now?
Just a thought
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