pizaaaa wrote: But my question is - how do I stop swinging from being independent (even if it's a facade) to feeling needy? How to become stable in my communications with people? These are the questions I can't find answers to and that's why I keep swinging.
You keep swinging, because you have conflicting beliefs. You believe you are independent and you believe you are needy. This causes instability. It isn't a clear cut, black and white, yes or no that you are independent and needy. You are confused about what you really believe. You say you are needy? You used a question mark as if you are uncertain and then you say you internalize this, so others only see the very independent you.
You will stop swinging and gain stability in your communications when you truly figure out and admit to yourself what it is you actually believe, verses what you would like to believe.
Take out a piece of paper or type out on digital paper what you think you believe. Make a list that starts with, "I believe..."
-1- the world is round
-2- pigs can't fly
-3- friendship is important
-4- I'm very independent
-5- I have high self confidence
-6- love is real
-7- aliens exist
Then begin to question those beliefs. Challenge yourself to prove yourself wrong. Gather evidence that shows your beliefs are flawed. In some cases you will have a tough time proving what you believe is flawed. Other times you will experience a mental conflict, you won't feel like your being truly honest, you will find examples where a particular belief doesn't hold up to scrutiny.
Start with the beliefs that are having a negative impact on your life. For instance, whatever you believe about aliens probably isn't doing much one way or the other to negatively impact your life. If they exist or don't exist, so what? But, if you believe you have high self confidence, yet under scrutiny you can demonstrate examples of low self confidence, then maybe that belief is something you need to accept so that you can then move forward with improving that area in your life.
Once you have solidly explored your beliefs, make sure you don't have conflicting beliefs. You can gain stability as you begin to better understand yourself.